Am I disrespectful

I sense the green eyed monster. If she wants to have a good relationship with you, she had better shut her mouth until she has something nice to say.

Just want to say that I agree with the vast majority of GNS here. No, you are most certainly not being "disloyal". It is great that you are able to see your DGC and are on good terms with their mother.

You need to stay on good terms for the sake of your GC,tell his new partner so and leave it at that. I cant understand people who say they dont 'like confrontations'- no one likes them- but a confrontation is just a way of speaking up for yourself,or your principles,and sometimes you just have to.I dont know what the new partner means by 'being disloyal' either? To whom?Her? In what way? You cant go around being rude to people you already knew before your son knew her just because she says so,who does she think she is,laying down her own law?? You & your ex DIL still get along,and theres children involved,so she needs to keep her nose out of whom you speak to or don't.im afraid id NOT want to speak to the new girlfriend if she spoke about me that way,and your son should be telling her to butt out.

Your relationship with the mother of your grandchildren has absolutely nothing to do with your son's new partner, or any subsequent partners. I think he was wrong to mention this to you, he should have told her that it was up to you how you related to his ex-wife if she was grumbling.

It's in the children's best interests to have their grandparents involved in their lives, and in your son and his partner's best interests as well, should they need your help while they are in charge of the children.

Yes theres more to this than meets the eye,if theyve been together 5yrs and shes only just recently said this?(oct isnt long ago) and then blanking you& your husband at xmas,so maybe the relationship is 'on the rocks' a bit and shes looking for someone to blame? But its maybe your sons starting to see how she really is,and the insecurity is a bit too much? He needs to sort it all sharpish and either make her see you all need to stay on good terms with the mum of his kids,or part the ways with this controlling woman before all his ties with his kids& parents is ruined by a jealous control freak.

No i think your son was right to tell you,But he should have also said he had said to partner that its up to you whom your still friendly with,no one else,and the rest,about the children needing you all on good terms etc.and then it would have been 'put to bed' before xmas wouldnt it? Everyones pandering to this womans insecurities,but it wont end well to do so.

As others have said, the new DIL probably feels that she has to live up to the the previous one and may feel that she will never be as close to you as the mother of your grandchildren.
Perhaps it would be worth you making an effort to get to know her in spite of her attitude. - perhaps an evening out or meet for lunch or something? Just so that she feels that you are ready and willing to welcome her into the family too.

There is also the possibility that son is expressing his own thoughts rather than his new partner’s. Maybe seeing you getting on so well together makes him feel guilty at ditching the ex.

Obviously, you want to stay in touch with your former DIL and with your grandchildren.

As you son's new partner isn't able to accept this, you will need to keep the two relationships completely separate. Never mention your ex-DIL or the grandchildren to this insecure and immature woman your son is living with.

For his sake, see if you can possibly improve the situation with his partner. I don't think you have mentioned how he feels about the situation. Could you discuss the whole issue with him and point out that you meant no disrespect to his partner, but that you cannot possibly give up the relationship with your grandchildren/ his children?

You are not being disrespectful nor disloyal you choose who you want to be friends with your son's new partner is trying to control you with intimidation don't give in to her you need to maintain good relations with your son's ex as she is mother of your grandchildren I had a similar experience when my son and his partner split I have a good relationship with his ex15 years on and setting bond with my grandchildren good luck

No you are not at all .
Don’t let anyone give you doubts about having a good relationship with her.

I had many comments about my ex being our best man at our wedding .
My husband and ex are now good friends it’s called being adult .
She might be another ex in law in future years

It's none of her business.

No you are not disloyal, you are being a wonderful Gran keeping the children’s map of the world as near to what they were used to.. well done x

Of course not. She will always be important to you because she is your grandchildren s mother. It is better for them if people can stay friends.

To be honest I think she sounds insecure. Does she feel threatened by your son's ex? Either way there is no reason you shouldn't stay friends with her

Why should you kick out the mother of your grandchildren from your life, just because their stepmother expects it of you? She is trying to drive a wedge in between you because she is unsure of her position - perhaps she thinks you will take the children to see their mother, behind their back, or that you will alienate them from her. However, she is second family, and she must comprehend that she cannot monopolise your son. She knew, when she married him, that he has children by another woman.

My mother in law kept a good relationship with me and my exes new wife. she had photo's of both of us up in her living room. You're doing the right thing 100%

OP’s son & partner have already been together for five years, she is not so new.

What is new is the ‘huff’.
What is new is the hearsay relayed about being disloyal & disrespectful because of OP’s continuing relationship with GC & ExDiL.
What is new is that OP now no longer feels so fond of DS’s partner because of NC.

It is just a pity your son is not also affectionate friends with his first wife! Second wives tend to be insecure. Is there a reason for the second wife's guilt or is she naturally insecure?

Your grandchildren are the most important thing. So be discrete re talking about your son's ex wife if you feel need to but the children are the.most.important thing and there is no reason why you can't carry on having a relationship with them (or his ex wife away from your son and new partner)

It seems she wasn’t an excuse and not a reason to keep her distance from you. Possibly jealousy, she is being rude and disrespectful but if that’s her true nature a bit of distance is a good thing. Your son and grandchildren are what matters, your ex daughter is your friends and the mother of your grandchildren and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me who I can and can not speak to.

No, I don't think it's "disloyal and disrespectful" for you to keep up a relationship w/ XDIL, potter. I agree w/ posters who say it's important for you to do that b/c of your GC. If she's ignoring you, I don't see how you can explain that to her though. Perhaps DS can relay it to her, but IDK.

I'm wondering who she thinks you're being "disloyal" to. Her? DS? And why suddenly get upset last October? Like a few other posters, I wonder if something happened around October that set set the partner off. Do you know/Can you think of anything?

Or maybe she was asking you and DH to stop being friendly w/ XDIL for a while, but you didn't (understandably), so she decided to go NC? As a poster mentioned, this would fit in w/ the kind of advice being given these days ("If the issue continues, just go NC.")

Regardless, as long as she's not trying to make DS go NC w/ you, I don't think you need to worry. It hurts to be snubbed, I know, but as long as you and DH can maintain a good relationship w/ DS, I'm sure you'll be ok. Granted, it may be embarrassing if you address her in front of other famiy and she doesn't reply. But the remedy for that is to avoid addressing her. I agree w/ you and DH to just focus on your relationship w/ DS - and, of course, your GC.

I have never had a moment of regret for keeping in contact with the two mothers of 2 of my Grandchildren. My son left both of them.They have both been like daughters to me.I will always be there for them.My son has had many girlfriends since he left those relationships and I would never be ruled by what any of them thought.

These partners can create such havoc. Just make sure you keep on side with your son. You are doing the right thing but just don't talk about her when she's around. My son's partner has created massive trouble between us and our son. We aren't allowed any more contact with our grandson. It's heart breaking. You wouldn't want to upset the mother of your grandchildren.

Well done you, you knew his ex before your sons new partner came on the scene and she is the mother of your grandchildren. The children are always my main concern when I hear of couples parting.

I have a great relationship with my ex-mil so much so that when we go to collect my son she either makes myself and my partner a cooked breakfast or Sunday dinner depending on what time we go, I wouldn't have it any other way