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DD yet more heartbreak. Why always her?

(34 Posts)
Lizbethann55 Tue 21-Jan-20 19:40:15

Here goes. I have tried writing this so many times. Trying to keep it short and concise. Everytime I think I have it right , the goal posts get shifted. This time someone has thrown them out of the ground. My DD is beautiful, outside and even more so inside. For complicated reasons the man she truly loved (still loves) and who loved (and still loves) her made a catastrophic error of judgement and they are not together. All my DD wants is what her dad and I, her two sisters, and all her friends have. ie, an ideal partner , a nice home and children. Finally she met and married R. He is a lovely man. But totally wrong for her. If there was anything majorly wrong it would be easier. But he is a good man. He doesn't drink, gamble, lie, cheat, shout, bully or any of the big "no nos". But he has no drive, no ambition, no animation, no "oomph". He has little sense of humour. Is a bit dour. The only thing he is serious about is not spending money and no debts. He lived with his parents until he met DDand moved into the little house she has bought. His office job is poorly paid and he has no interest in bettering it. My DD earns way more than him so is trapped in her stressful job. He makes few decisions and is not remotely pro active in their lives. Despite that he is a truly lovely man. All would have survived had the longed for baby arrived. But it didn't. Tests proved his sperm count was low and quality poor. IVF followed. He went along with it, but did no research, read no books, asked no questions. Two goes failed. DD put off trying again. Said she wasn't ready. Later admitted doubts about her future with SiL. Long discussions. At Christmas I really expected her alone with her suitcase. No. It was them with positive pregnancy test. About four weeks. TBH I wasnt sure how I felt, and even less sure about how she felt. But they were obviously making a go of it and SiL was really proactive and keen. A new him!. Today. Tragedy. Following a car bump ( a man on his phone bumped into back of DD) she went to hospital to be checked. Turns out the baby is no more. Not because of bump, it had died a couple of weeks ago. My daughter has to go back to get it all"taken away". We are all bereft. My DD is utterly distraught. Nothing ever goes right for her, despite being the loveliest person you could ever meet. Thank you if you have stayed with me. I know there is no advice you can give. I just want your loving arms around me to help me guide her through this.

GrannyGravy13 Tue 21-Jan-20 19:45:43

Sending virtual hugs, it is so very hard when our children are hurting and there is nothing we can do to heal them flowers

Doodledog Tue 21-Jan-20 19:46:59

Life is horribly unfair sometimes. Good people have bad things happen to them, and vice versa, which can make no sense to those who love them.

There is nothing I can say to make it better, but have a virtual hug. xx

Doodle Tue 21-Jan-20 19:49:20

I am so sorry lizbeth. You and your family must be very upset. I too have lost 3 not to be grandchildren and it is a very sad time.
I think your daughter really needs to decide how she feels about your SIL. Being proactive and ambitious are some people’s targets in life but they are not the be all and end all of everything. Your daughter could find a man who is ambitious and wealthy and proactive but he may well not be as kind and loving as her DH. Perhaps she should decide where her priorities lie before thinking about getting pregnant again but at the moment you all need some love and tlc x

cornergran Tue 21-Jan-20 19:50:25

I’m so sorry. Our children’s pain is our own so of course you’re hurting. Sending a hug and flowers. Come and talk to us whenever it helps. There’s always someone to listen.

V3ra Tue 21-Jan-20 19:54:51

Oh your poor daughter. You must be beside yourself with worry and so upset for her. We're so helpless when nasty adult things happen to our children, as I know. So, so sad x

paddyanne Tue 21-Jan-20 19:58:41

My husband has a friend like your SIL,no drive no ambition but the nicest most content man on the planet.Please dont dismiss him as not right for your daughter just because he,doen't want to work himself to death or finds it best to let things happen rather than MAKE them happen/The baby loss is a different thing,he isn't AT FAULT because of his low sperm count ...I'm sure he didn't ask for that or cause it.Would you be blaming your daughter if the conception problem was hers?
I think the figures are one in three for miscarriages so its no ones fault its just what it is.On the positive side if she managed to concieve once then she knows its possible to concieve again,and it was early in the pregnancy which tends to be easier to accept.I say that as someone who had multiple losses early and after birth .I hope she /they get the help they need to get through this and can be optimistic about the future .All you can do is be supportive without being judgemental about their situation .

crazyH Tue 21-Jan-20 19:59:25

So sorry flowers

JuliaM Tue 21-Jan-20 20:22:31

If they really want a baby, then never give up hope. My second youngest DD suffered several early miscarriages, and went to our local fertility clinic for help. Likewise, it was her partner who had problems with a low sperm count and mobility. She was assured that given time, there was a high chance of a successful pregnancy, but they opted for using donor sperm, and she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl the following year. They where both very happy to have a baby to call their own at last, and were very proud parents indeed.
DD continued to feel very tired and unwell after the birth, but just put this down to the hard work of becoming a new mum and coping with sleepless nights and recovering from a long difficult labour. At her post natal appointment with her midwife, several weeks later, she told her how tired she was still feeling. Further questioning and a blood test followed, and both her and her partner were truly amazed, she had actually conceived naturally, and gave birth to a baby boy exactly a year and a week after her first DD arrived. Just to say, never give up hope, with help, most couples do conceive given time.

Opal Tue 21-Jan-20 20:22:47

Thinking of you Lizbeth, we have had a terrible last few years with our son, including a lost baby. You would rather be in pain yourself than see your child in pain, it's so hard. Sending my heartfelt sympathy to you flowers

GranEd Tue 21-Jan-20 20:24:13

Oh lizbethann55 I’m so sorry! Life can be very unfair can’t it? No wonder you are upset.
Sending love and hugs to you all. xxx 💐💐

sodapop Tue 21-Jan-20 21:24:37

So sorry to hear about your daughter's problems Lizbethann55 it's hard when we can't help isn't it. I agree with Paddyanne don't dismiss her partner out of hand he may turn out to be her rock. I hope things get better for all of you soon, thanks

DoraMarr Tue 21-Jan-20 22:11:11

I’m so sorry, it’s hard for all of you. However, her husband my be just what she needs: a kind and gentle man who will care for her and their child. I had a late miscarriage with my first baby. It was sad, but I had four children in quick succession afterwards, so don’t give up hope.

PamGeo Thu 23-Jan-20 00:58:08

I agree with paddyanne too but at the moment I think you just need a hug ((hug))

Sara65 Thu 23-Jan-20 06:55:44

So sorry for you and your daughter, it does seem so cruel when bad things happen to lovely people.

You don’t mention her age, but hopefully there will be a chance to try again. Maybe first she really needs to think about where her relationship is going.

I agree with Paddyanne, a dynamic ambitious husband isn’t always a good one, he must have lots of other qualities for your daughter to have married him.

gmarie Thu 23-Jan-20 07:21:04

flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers

Sparkling Thu 23-Jan-20 07:32:24

I am so sorry for you all. I agree with some of the comments about her husband, he sounds a lovely man, true he isn't adrinker or a gambler, or more exciting, but he will be looking out for her and loves her,isnt that matters so much. Not everyone has a straightforward pregnancy, it has happened once and often couples do go on to have a healthy baby.

Grammaretto Thu 23-Jan-20 07:38:55

Sending multiple ((hugs)) to you all. I wish there was something we as DP can do . We can't just kiss it better but we can always be available to listen and comfort.
Never give up hope for happiness.

Ginny42 Thu 23-Jan-20 07:51:03

Sending warm wishes. As far as losing a baby is concerned, my DD was there several times. I have a delightful adopted GS. There can be light at the end of the darkest tunnel. Don't despair. Just let her know she's loved.

tinaf1 Thu 23-Jan-20 17:11:24


Ilovecheese Thu 23-Jan-20 17:35:45

So sorry Lizbeth

Hithere Thu 23-Jan-20 19:03:28

So sorry for their loss.

You clearly do not like your sil. You do not think he has any redeemable qualities.

I bet your dd and sil know you are not fond of him. Your feelings are very transparent.

However, it is it for you to like him or approve of him , it is for your dd to be happy with him.

I find it creepy that you know so much about their private life and who your dd's real love is.

dragonfly46 Thu 23-Jan-20 19:12:27

lisbeth so sorry to hear this. It is so sad for your daughter and her DH. It is, however, a good sign that he became galvanised by the thought of a baby.

Hithere not creepy at all. I know more than I want to about my DD. It is a natural thing for girls to confide in their mum.

Lizbethann55 Thu 23-Jan-20 22:41:29

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Hithere, you could not possibly be more wrong. I love my SiL dearly. He is a lovely man. He is good , kind , decent and adores my DD. But that doesn't mean that he is altogether right for her, but my DD is determined to make it work as best she can. Of course I know about her previous love. She was living at home and had known him many years. I was the one to help pick up the pieces when it was over.We are very close and she confides in me. I am blessed to have such a close relationship with her.

Today we have had a dreadful time. She and SiL wanted me to go to hospital with them. We were there at 6.30 am ( book in was 7.00). We sat in a cubicle until she was taken down to theatre at 3.45pm and got home at 7.00. Watching these two lovely people trying to be so strong and brave was heartbreaking. They are now determined to try to move on as best they can and hopefully they will have more success in the future. Thank you again for all your best wishes. It means so much.

Hithere Thu 23-Jan-20 22:58:12

I am truly glad to say I was wrong about sil.

I hope your dd recovers soon. The loss of a child is such a challenging time.