Should I ask my daughter & Granddaughter to move out

I can only say I wouldn't have asked a 20 year old single mum with a very young baby to find somewhere else to live .I dont think I could live with myself if anything went wrong with either of them.Your daughter is having a tough time she may have post natal issues ,she needs support .

Surely you can offer your time and help for a while .Give her a chance to recover from the birth and find her feet being a mum .

Has she applied for child support from the father?

Your dd is a mother and an adult. Your mothering her is crossing the enabling line.

Ask your dd to move out is appropriate.

Thanks, she is going through a difficult time. I guess I’m struggling to hold it together for everyone. We have no family it’s just me her and my grand baby. I joined today to hopefully release some feelings and get some guidance. Thanks for your response x

She receives money from him every month, and he will ‘visit’ and stay in the odd occasions.
Sometimes I do feel like I’m picking her responsibilities up.
Thanks for your message x

I would take a middle ground type of approach.
Gradually help her to get to the point where you feel she can manage on her own (or with the father, if he is around) and then gently send her on her way; hopefully to a fulfilling, adult life.

First reply was meant for you x

The father has said he won’t commit. He’s not ready. She is good with the baby and can manage her finances well. I just worry about her being isolated as I’m now back at work and not on hand for support and worry if she will struggle having bills etc...albeit this is adulthood and responsibilities!!

Surely she doesn't want to spend all her time with her mum, though?
Better for her to make friends with other young mums.

Be careful you don't end up shouldering most of the responsibility of the baby.

Your dd has to break up with that loser when she is ready, sadly.

You can support your dd and your gc without taking over their responsibilities.
The danger is that she gets used to you doing things for her so why shall she try/even bother?
When is it appropriate to say "I am stopping, you are on your own?"
It is a slippery slope

Your dd will be ok. She will adjust.

I’ve tried to encourage her to go to baby group and she won’t go.
I do have her once a week so she can see her friend's, which is fine because I have some quality time with my gc.
But yes I’m trying to not take on or step in to much so she doesn’t become reliant on me. Difficult when we live together.

Oh how I wish she would just end it!! He is such a loser....Yup definitely a slippery slope, But one I have to face else as you’ve said I’m just enabling her to keep relying On me which encourages the ‘why should I bother’ attitude.

I suppose the on/off relationship is dominating her thoughts, for now, if she desperately wants to be with the father, and its still early days with the baby being so young.

The more you can encourage her to be independent, the more likely it is that she will come to the realisation that she can manage, and she needn't be hanging around for daddy to grow up,

Surely she has never needed you more? If she can save some money towards a flat deposit while staying with you, and become settled into (unplanned?) motherhood then she might return to college/training, hopefully finding a nursery, and making a decent future for herself and baby. That might mean her staying with you for the next 18 months to cover a college year but the long term benefits would surely pay off. Make house rules and work to your mutual benefit sharing housework and cooking. You could build a great adult relation ship with your daughter and close bond with grandchild. Most of all you might prevent her from being forced to live in shared housing or set up with her boyfriend out of need/desperation than the two of them really wanting a relationship. Would you have asked her to move out if she had not had a baby? I reiterate - she has never needed you more. Do tell us how you get on.

Oh yes, he is definitely in her head and though process 9/10!! The instability of the relationship is what is impacting in her mental health.

But I do agree, I think independence will show her she had got this and she can manage. Thank you xx

Its so much easier when our children are small enough that we can make them do what we want, isn't it?

Its worth investing time, and love, and instilling confidence in your daughter, because if you send her out now, you'll only be worried about her, and that little baby.

In terms of the deposit I have offered to pay this for her already so she does not have to worry about that. As well as items for her flat which I will cover.
She is already at college and the baby visits her other nan whilst she attends twice a week as I am at work.
We have a good relationship and are very close as we have no other family members. My bond with my grandaugter is amazing as I have been with her everyday day since she has been born, apart from this week. She does cook and clean - and moan about this, which is not what I’m really bothered about. My concerns are her mental health and living alone with the baby.
She has briefly moved out when she was 18 and lived with her friend for 6 months but struggled financially and came back home. And I must state previously she has mentioned moving out to me, I convinced her not to but now I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing...

If only they can stay little forever!!

I do feel that I need to give her more time and support. If I’m honest I think reading the comments I need to hold on to her and put my own feelings to one side...xx

The fact that she lives with you is huge.
She doesn't have to worry about accommodations, bills, food, etc
Does she contribute towards the house expenses?
Have you talked about a plan for her to prepare to be independent? Do you have a date for this arrangement to end?
Does she work? Is she making arrangements to move out in the future or she is comfortable at your place?

Three months is a very short length of time in which to adjust to having a new baby and I don’t think a major decision about your dd moving out should be made right now. I’d give her a bit of leeway but at the same time, set up some boundaries so you don’t become your grandchild’s de facto mother.

There are lots of activities out there for new mums. As well as mum & baby groups there are music groups, massage classes, yoga classes, book worm clubs and so on. I’d really work on getting your dd to attend those, maybe emphasising how good it will be for the baby, if she’s reluctant to go for herself.

Her health visitor or baby clinic can also make suggestions and indeed may run some groups.

I hope it all works out for you in the end.

We cross posted.

If you are now back at work then you are starting to live more independent lives because I am assuming she will be at home with her daughter.

So therefore you should work together to mutually agree and divide up the everyday household responsibilities. This is even more important if she is saving all her monthly income and not contributing to living expenses.

This will definitely help you and give her a ‘role’ in the relationship rather than continuing to live at home as your daughter with her new baby.

This will also help her reestablish her independence and self worth, and maybe it will develop into the first step towards her choosing to move into her own flat without you ‘elbowing’ her out of your home before she’s really able to cope.

Regarding the boyfriend issue - keep your opinions to yourself - certainly don’t get in the middle of that one!

I'd tell her how you feel. Be there for the baby. Perhaps get her counselling....even online. She has low self esteem and she's very young. She needs you, but you can't be a doormat. Stand up to her and set boundaries in place, like not having him at your house. Just try to support her as best you can. Make sure she's on birth control too.

Oh and try to support her getting a useful degree after this young baby grows up a wee bit. She needs a way to provide for herself and her baby. Education is key!
Try to get her motivated! And get that guy to pay child maintenance.

Thank you all for the messages.

Things will get better now I’m back at work and establishing some rules and chores in the house so she does feel
Like she has a role to play sounds like a good idea.
She does have plans to become a teacher and is hoping to begin uncover airy next year once she’s finished her current college course.

It’s difficult to not get involved or give my opinion in the father as they argue in my home, however I am not rude or offensive and I always make sure that I don’t back her into a corner with that one and reassure her I will support what ever decision she makes. I know this is probably not helpful either for her...further realisation for me as I’m writing this!

I will encourage her to attend some classes, although I have been trying.
M