Gransnet forums


No sex

(74 Posts)
Allsaints55 Sun 02-Feb-20 08:05:15

Me and my partner don’t have sex . No intimacy just a hug now and then . I’m 61 and he’s 57 . We live together and get on great and are very happy . I’m happy with my body slim and fit . When we met 10 years ago sex was great and regular .
It’s usually not a problem but last night we were having a chat and both agreed we should ‘doit’ And make an effort to . I’m finding that hard and so is he . I see couples on tv and are envious and feel I’m too young to have no sex . We’ve both agreed we love each other but it’s getting like brother and sister . Is any one else in the same situation and happy x

sodapop Sun 02-Feb-20 08:41:04

I wonder why you feel you should " make an effort" to have sex. If you are both comfortable with the status quo and love each other its not a problem. Many couples don't have sex for various reasons and continue to have happy loving relationships. Don't feel pressured by outside influences.
It's a different thing of course if one of you wants a full sexual relationship.

BlueBelle Sun 02-Feb-20 08:46:49

Definitely agree with sodapop you can’t ‘make’ the situation different just to conform, there is no right or wrongs some people are perfectly happy with companionship some arent
If you both are, then it’s a marriage made in heaven enjoy it

Iam64 Sun 02-Feb-20 09:11:11

sodapop and BlueBelle are right - if you're both happy, count your blessings. You can hold hands, cuddle together and love each other. I sometimes think the focus on sex has become ridiculous. I read the other day that many younger people are being honest about the fact they chose not to have an active sex life. I don't believe we should feel pressured into sex at any time in our lives. One of the joys of getting older is having choices.

Sunnysideup Sun 02-Feb-20 09:57:52

I think it’s fine when you are both ‘singing from the same song sheet’. As long as you are BOTH happy with no sex then surely that’s OK. My husband made the decision to end our sex life two years ago and I’m devastated and resentful. That’s when it’s not right.

Juicylucy Sun 02-Feb-20 09:58:34

I agree with other posters just let it happen naturally. Now you have spoke about it and agreed you both want to, just let it happen take the hugs one step further to cuddling kissing and touching and the rest will happen.

Bluebird64 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:01:26

I'm learning that sex is not the most important thing. My husband has cardiovascular disease and sex has not been an option for several years. Agony aunts always trot out 'solutions' - therapy, operations, more medication - but my husband has been through several traumas and I couldn't even suggest he goes through all that, when he clearly has no desire for sex anyway. I am 64, slim and fit and am sure I could find a sex-only partner on one of 'those' websites, but do I want the hassle, deception and potential chaos of that? No, peace of mind matters more!

Aepgirl Sun 02-Feb-20 10:04:39

I blame TV programmes and films showing people having sex at the drop of a hat (or trousers) for making ‘ordinary’ people think they should be having sex all the time.
If you are both comfortable without it, why try to change.

BusterTank Sun 02-Feb-20 10:05:30

I am 51 and haven't had sex with my husband in the last 5 years . He had an operation that went wrong , so is unable to perform . I can't say this has really bothered me and haven't felt the need to look else were . There is more to a marriage than just sex . We both know we care a bit each other and we are both happy in our day to day lifes . So why let a little thing like sex spoil a good relationship .

ReadyMeals Sun 02-Feb-20 10:08:40

Yes. It's fine if you're both happy.

red1 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:18:47

Your choices are what is important not what others or the media states

timetogo2016 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:29:30

I`m not in a sexless marriage i am in a lovely marriage BUT I would rather be in a happy marriage with no sex than a miserable marriage with sex.
So fair play to you both.

RillaofIngleside Sun 02-Feb-20 10:30:08

I think many couples feel the same after decades of married life - nice if it happens, but a lot of effort! And as others have said, sometimes it is not possible and might be upsetting to try and fail.
If you are happy with that close companionship it is fine. Whatever works for you.

Ashcombe Sun 02-Feb-20 10:35:26

At any age one can enjoy intimate activities that don’t involve penetration. It seems sad to reach the stage where only full intercourse is considered. With a little imagination, other avenues could be explored, regardless of the limitations of age or illness, particularly for the partner who is well and would welcome it.
Recently, I was in hospital after a cardiac event. The cardiologist said there was no reason to discontinue my physical relationship with my DH.

Allsaints55 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:35:55

Thank you everyone for your comments. I feel so much better now . I sort of knew it was ok if we were still both happy . There was just a pang of sadness as memories of younger days and great active sex and yes tv doesn’t help with that feeling of missing out . I had thought too about just filling the gap with sex elsewhere but I love my partner too much to do that . Thankyou all for your helpful comments xx

Caro57 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:37:38

I am and I am definitely happy with the situation! Was a time when I felt slightly guilty but I now think DH various medical issues make it very unlikely that we would have sex - however we do, occasionally, have a snuggle in bed - more than enough for me. Also it is not talked about in any meaningful way

ReadyMeals Sun 02-Feb-20 10:40:31

Well if you mean you have sexual urges and your husband is not interested (or you feel too sisterly towards him to make it seem right) then obviously the solution is to masturbate. But if what you are saying is that neither of you have sexual needs but you feel that you should or could be having a few more years of sex, then that's just some notion that you really can safely ignore since there is no point going to effort to obtain something you don't actually need!

Alexa Sun 02-Feb-20 10:45:09

Like Aepgirl, I believe many of us are persuaded we ought to be having sex, and good sex (whatever that is). You are both happy , so don't rock the boat.

Brigidsdaughter Sun 02-Feb-20 10:52:40

It's very telling that you thought about sex outside your marriage so although its something you wouldn't do there's something going on in you about it.

If you are still sleeping together I think you should make it happen. No one ever regrets sex afterwards. You might feel more contented with just occasional sex. It's just the thought of thinking it's all over can be unsettling- I should know 🙁

Sunnysideup Sun 02-Feb-20 11:01:37

Yes, you’re right Brigidsdaughter, the thought that I shall never have sex again fills me with great sadness. I am happy for the OP though that she and her husband have come to terms with their situation, and it seems others have too.

vampirequeen Sun 02-Feb-20 11:11:34

Sex is lovely...if it's what you want. Love is more important. If hugs and hand holding is enough then that's all you need. Not everyone needs to jump off the wardrobe or swing from the chandeliers. There is too much pressure to conform to what the media decides should be the big issue. Do as little or as much as you feel happy with.

Sleepygran Sun 02-Feb-20 11:31:03

As my name suggests, I'd much rather sleep! But that aside me and my partner arnt bothered now,and it suits us both,very happy just being in each other's company.

alig99 Sun 02-Feb-20 11:41:28

All saints, I’m not sure just settling for the situation is the right thing as some folk have suggested on here.perhaps talk it through with a professional such as a Relate sex counsellor. No sex isn’t the most important thing but it is jolly nice and you are still young and clearly would like to have it. I hope you find a solution you are happy with.

Maccyt1955 Sun 02-Feb-20 11:58:18

I agree with Alig99.
It does sound as if you are very sad.
I think as it you who seems to have settled for this, you are owed an explanation from your husband, and a visit to Relate might be the way forward to finding a compromise that suits you both.
As another poster pointed isn’t all about penetration.
There are plenty of other things you could do.
There are also ways of getting around the awkwardness that inevitable becomes worse the longer you go without being a sexual couple.
Don’t just settle for this situation without giving it a chance.

sarahellenwhitney Sun 02-Feb-20 12:16:55

A mutual agreement 'we should do it' who then makes the first move and where is the action to take place ?
Intimacy is not bedroom restricted with the light out and 'familiarity' as the saying goes, who by I haven't a clue, is a sure way of breeding contempt.
Would you eat the same food day after day after day ?
Have you ever considered when out for an evening meal making it a stop over ?ie lets book a room grinunless that is you need to get home to feed the dog.?