I married my DH 10 years ago, a second marriage for both and we each have a son and a daughter all now in their 30s - so 4 grown children in all. DH and his first wife had a difficult marriage, she had a serious problem with anger and would frequently not speak to him for weeks and would rage at him in front of people. During a row she ordered him out of the family home. Since his youngest child, son, was by then at university and didn’t need him at home, he decided not to go back. We met at work. I’d been divorced for about 15 years at this point. It was clear to me from the first time I met DH’s children that his son was lovely and polite to me, though cautious, but his daughter - I’ll call her Polly - came across then as very rude and spoilt. She seemed to play her parents off against each other, insisted on huge cash sums to support her and was nasty to me and my children.
Fast forward 10 years. Polly was supported through her 20s not to work, travelling, doing higher degrees, volunteering. This was never straightforwardly discussed and I’ve discovered my DH lied to me about how much money he gave her - enough not to work. She now, in her mid 30s, has a part time low income job in a glamorous sector, think fashion. Her mum always supported Polly, cleaned her house for her and looked after pets brought back home on spur of moment etc. DH got endless messages from Polly saying how vile her mother is and unreasonable. I though P’s mother seemed masochistic and could not understand why she acted as P’s slave. They often fought and DH took P’s side. P would often refuse to see me, would cancel family events at the last moment and basically break her dad and mum’s heart. She loses her friends with high handed behaviour and she is as rude to her brother (my stepson)’s gf as she is to me. Think anger filled texting rants, endless attempts to get her father and brother to see DH without me or bro’s gf which they go along with.
Her mum died a year ago so is not there to support, buffer and take bucket loads of rage and demands from Polly and fight constantly. So it falls to DH and me and it’s breaking us. My own sister in law is a doctor and she believes Polly has borderline personalty disorder and also thinks her mother may have had it. DH won’t hear that Polly may have a diagnosable condition. He is obsessed with her, spends hours on the phone with her, accedes to demands to see her without me and while he loves his son and my two children it’s clear Polly is the apple of his eye. My stepson and his gf are now very close to me. They have confronted DH bout his favouritism, lies about money and are trying to get him to see how destructive the set-up is.
Major issue in addition to the above. Polly is now say ing she wants a baby from a sperm donor. A less suitable person you couldn’t think of, though she presents very well when she chooses, beautiful and articulate. Stepson, GF and I think this will be a total disaster. DH half agrees. Obviously we can’t stop a person in their 30s doing what they want but I live in terror that this will happen because I think it will destroy us.
Any ideas or suggestions how to manage will be much appreciated.
