Step-daughters taking my DH out without me

Because Mother's Day should be a family celebration of mother, and this activity will emphasise two halves to the family; the poster has done her best to 'mother' her step children for twenty-five years and that should be acknowledged.

It just appears rather pointed; any other day would do. Why not the girls' mother's birthday?

I'm sure you've heard the saying "you only get one mother " They have every right to spend that day with the only surviving parent they have to remember their mother.They were teens when their mum died only their dad can fill in the blanks for them .No matter how long the OP has been married to their dad she isn't and can never be their mother .

She's not their mother.
She wasnt even their step mother when they were growing up.

eazybee

Here's the thing. These girls were practically grown up when OP married their father. She wasn't so much a mother as she was their father's wife. I do not see a problem at all with them taking a day to themselves to reminisce about their mother/wife together.

I'm wondering what has happened in previous years, since it seems this only a recent thing.

If it is, which is fine, it would be decent to let everyone know that new arrangements have been made.

@ayokunmi1 what an unpleasant response. If Mary52 was so selfish she would not be agonising over her response and thinking of the feeling of others.

@easybee I agree - they could choose a day like their mother's birthday which presumably is not a day special in any way to Mary52. She is someone who has, in her role as SM, cared for the girls. No she isn't their birth mother but equally, it doesn't seem like the day to shut her out. Maybe enquiring about her plans that day and coming to some mutually agreeable plan with her involved too would have felt better.

@JayLicy why wouldn’t they want to celebrate the memory of their mother with the one other person who knew her best? Op is not their mother.

@privilaged OP came into their lives when they were grown. They don’t see her as their mother . Why wouldn’t they want to celebrate their own mother on Mother’s Day with the person who knew their mother the best. OPs husband has nothing to do with OP celebrating mother ‘s Day. She is not the mother of any of his children. So why would he celebrate Mother’s Day with her. That is what her son’s are for

Perhaps it would be better if Mother’s Day was banned.
It’s a far cry from its origins as Mothering Sunday, which was a special Sunday for domestic servants to return to their homes and visit their mothers.
The modern version seems to cause more unhappiness and angst than it does joy and has descended to a mere commercial opportunity for supermarkets and pubs and restaurants to trade on people’s sense of obligation and possibly guilt.

Well the OPs step childtens version isnt about consumerism. They just want to spend time with the people who remember their mother being there and make some new memories with those people in her honour...

Notanan I was making a general observation, which is allowed. Every year at this time there’ll be at least one thread on GN on the subject of Mother’s Day, with someone upset over some aspect of it. Either their ACs haven’t met their expectations or they’re feeling sad because their own mother fell short of theirs. Umbrage is taken on the OP’s behalf, which probably makes the OP feel worse, not better.

In this particular case, the OP herself recognised that it’s not about Mother’s Day per se:
Mother's Day is fine as I will make a plan to be with my boys and their families, but after all these years, I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one
and yet numerous posters have turned it into a Mother’s Day ‘issue’.

I re-read the original post, quoted above, and I agree; whether deliberate or not, the action of the daughters is divisive,very pointedly separating the husband and wife from each other, and both from their step- families.
I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one
It seems strange that these women have suddenly started doing this. No one is suggesting that the step-mother is replacing their real mother, but as she has been part of this family for twenty-five years, it does seem discourteous.

Their mother is their mother no matter how long she's gone.

I agree the step-mother is not their mother. From her point of view she has spent 25 years creating a family-type environment for her husband's daughters and very likely sacrificing things in a motherly type way for her husband's daughters. And it likely hurts that she feels excluded.

It would have been better for her if she had insisted that her husband spent some alone time with his daughter's on a regular basis. Perhaps he was reluctant to do so.

Quite often the parent wants the step to fill the role of mother/father. Which is wrong of them. As so many have stated she will never be their mother. Likewise he will never be the father of her children. It is her husband who has hurt them not his children, nor his wife. He's happily not spent alone time with his children up until recently.

Going forward Op might want to promote regular alone time between husband and daughters and herself and her children. The reality is they ARE two families.

As the children's mother has passed, I think this mothers day ought to be celebrated for the dead mother if her girls wish it.

Let go of all envy and control and embrace the day without the husband. If you can't change the world - change yourself.

Also it does sound like she has had 25 yrs of mothers days already.

I hardly think she is showing envy or control, more hurt, however I would agree she might learn to enjoy more time without her husband his adult daughters.

@craftergran

That is envy and that is control. I realise she is hurt.

Let it go and be glad she is alive, and not the poor mother who passed on and missed the girls mothers days from then onwards.

She does have her own kids to celebrate HER day.

Why does she insist on making them choose her?

For me the most surprising aspect of the OP is that Mary52 has said she would never dream of going out on a special day with her own sons.

In our family it’s the norm to spend time alone with family members when we can. My husband has just arranged to go and spend a couple of days with our daughter in May (while her husband is away) and next week I’ll be spending an evening alone (and staying the night) with my youngest son. I occasionally meet up with my eldest son’s wife for lunch and she is quite at ease about me meeting up with my son in the same way. My husband goes on holiday with one or both of our sons too.

I guess if it’s not been the norm for Mary52 to have time alone with her own sons it can feel exclusionary that her stepdaughters want to meet up with their dad, but personally I think it’s a lovely thing to happen.

Ananimous I don't think she has insisted they choose her. She hasn't mentioned it to them or her husband.

She has mentioned she is hurt.

@crafter Please don't start dogpiling on me again.

dogpile #101

A disagreement on an Internet message board wherein one person says something wrong or offensive, and a large number of people comment in response to tell the person how wrong and/or horrible they are, and continue to disparage the original commenter beyond any reasonable time limit.

People commenting at the same time, without realizing others are jumping on the person as well, do not make a dogpile. The requirement is to join in with an angry group to yell at an easy target, or to get popularity points for being seen to agree with the group. They see that everyone else is doing something, and they copy it.

The original commenter typically does not respond at all, because they are completely overwhelmed or scared off. Once a dogpile has been established, an apology from the original commenter is less likely to be effective.

I am sorry. I did not intend to dogpile on you. (Had to look it up)

I just feel op is being accused of mean things, when she is hurt. Though I do feel she is wrong at feeling hurt with her husbands daughters when it seems clear to me, he is the one who has hurt her AND his own daughters over the years.

craftergran Apology accepted.

It's a problem that happens a lot on Gransnet. I'm not putting up with it anymore though.

Report a post if you must but lay off people and be kind.

She is insistant about this imho. That is not a personal attack, merely a factual observation. Upon which she can be logical.

Why look it up? - I posted the explanation for you especially.