I want to leave after 40 years

I agree that you should go - but, having been in a similar situation, I know it is hard to leave even though you know it is 'the right thing' to do. Anyone who has not been in an abusive relationship thinks 'Why not just go?" but if you've been there, your own self esteem goes down and down and you can begin to feel that you could not manage on your own, and that you need to look after the abuser in some way. No! He is an adult and it is his job to manage his life - as long as you are there you are propping him up in a life he is used to - he will benefit too if this bad relational entanglement comes to an end. Leaving is a big step, however much it is the right thing to do. Find someone who will be your support as you plan and leave - and go.

flygirl have you considered therapy to give you the strength to leave your abusive husband? Sounds like you lack confidence to do the right thing for yourself. Your situation is only going to get worse when he retires. I'm sure you'll get a lot of support on here or mumsnet

When I decided to leave,I got up very early,got dressed and drove the smaller of our two cars down the road .
I walked back and into the bedroom and told him I was going -and went.
I wouldn’t tell anybody if I were you.
Just go.
I do hope and believe you will be far far happier than you are now ,as I was.

A friend left her husband after 52 years of marriage. She said that he could easily continue to be selfish, boring and controlling for another ten years or longer, and that she wanted a chance of happiness. She went back most days to hoover and cook his lunch, he had stayed in the family home, and then enjoyed herself for the rest of the day and evening in her own small flat. Another friend left her husband after 47 years of marriage, says she should have left years before.

In both cases all the adult children and grandchildren completely agreed and are thrilled at how happy their mothers now are! ?

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasures that you seek

Go Go Go - you only have one life!!!

I agree with everyone else about leaving. You don’t need to feel guilty. Your husband broke his vows to love, honour and cherish. He is the one who broke the marriage by neglecting and abusing you. You have good grounds for divorce and nothing to feel guilty about.

NonnaS. I know how you feel. It will not get any better if you stay, but it will get worse. Bit by bit, inch by inch he will erode any feelings of self worth you have left. GO, but plan well, assume nothing. Get legal advice, get counselling, you will need your friends. Do not leave important documents at home, once he gets wind he will rummage. Perhaps you can use a locker or lockable desk at work. Only you know if you can confide in your boss but it may be helpful if you can so you can negotiate time off for various appointments. If you go ahead and divorce (and there are more options now) don't trust him for one minute, he sounds spiteful. Remove your birth/marriage certs/passport from house now. You may find he attempts to claim part of your inheritance, all bank statements, payslips, proof that you have maintained him - take it all now. Be strong. And keep mum for as long as you possibly can. As for acting up at social events - keep dignified & let him show himself up, people aren't fools, they'll get the measure of him. That's what surprised me, my ex was a lay reader at church, ex bank manager etc, he convinced me that no one would believe me (he was a real jeckll & Hyde) but people did & when the first person said 'i believe you're"I cried buckets with relief. So - I believe you. Now take steps to preserve yourself and your sanity. Perhaps you have a loyal, trustworthy friend that would store a couple of suitcases for you? Don't walk out without anything, be logical, setting up again costs money. Take your jewellery, especially anything you'd like to pass on to family, even photos. He will not be reasonable. Remember, his words cannot hurt you, but now you need a backbone of steel. My very sincere good wishes to you.

I would just like to say that I admire your resolve and I sincerely wish you all the very best for your future. Stay strong and enjoy the time ahead.

I was in an abusive relationship for many, many years and like you felt guilty with what I wanted: divorce. I trundled along ... then ... one morning I woke up with a different head on and thought ... well ... this is going to be the start of your new life. I made an appointment with a solicitor that day. It took me nearly 4 yrs before I left the marital home and to get everything sorted - as he tried to block/prolong things. The best thing I ever did - should have done it sooner.

I was married to a man who was cold towards me and seemed to get pleasure out of making me feel small. Yet when we were out with friends he was charming. I wanted to leave but because he treated me better in pulic I thought no one would believe me. I also worried about our children, one was at university, one working but one still at school. Then he had an affair. For me that gave me the courage to ask him to leave. He created a huge fuss and begged to be allowed to stay, told youngest child he had made one mistake and I was bad because I was making him leave so making the family split up. I was furious and under pressure from youngest child but for once I did not give in, like I usually did. With family support I divorced him. When he moved out I was so releaved. After a while I met someone new who made me feel happy. My ex told everyone he was going to spend the rest of his life making me miserable. He tried his best for a couple of years doing lots of little spiteful things and refused to complete divorce forms so divorce could procede. Eventually I got divorce then he refused to cooperate in court to provide financial and pension details so we could sort out financial settlement. Evevtually when he failed to turn up on the second occasion the judge told his solicitor if he did a no show again he would be charged with contempt of court. Atter months of wrangling where I just wanted a 50/50 split equally between us and he tried to argue he should get a lot more and keep all of our joint business the judge gave us 50/50 on house, business and pension sharing and he was ordered to pay his own cost and mine too due to his unhelpful behaviour. He was so angry he actually stomped out of court before the judge had finished and told all of our family and friends I had stiched him up. I was hugely embarrassed by it all. I remarried and ex told our son he would turn up at my wedding and make a scene to spoil the day for me. I was terrified he would because I thought he might do this I even wondered if I should call off my wedding, but my fiance thought he would not do this in pulic as then all family and friends would see why I had divorced him. Look at my story and you will see how he kept control because I was afraid and embarrassed by what he said he would do and by believing him I gave me more power over me. My ex was never physically abusive but very emotionally abusive.

Your h sounds similar in getting pleasure from feeling he can control you and stop you leaving. He is making you miserable now, if you stay with him you will be in for more of the same 24/7 when you retire. Your inheritance has given you a chance to get out. Don't throw this chance away. Your family will be supportive of you and if you don't take this chance you may not get another. He will not change, unless he gets worse when you retire. Then you would have no respite from him.

I went to counselling and learned my ex emotionally abused me but also that I had enabled him to do it by always giving in and letting him get his own way. Fear of breaking up our family made me stay in first marriage for 22 years and now I wish I had left after first 11 or 12 years before his behaviour got worse. Unlike you I had little money of my own. Take your chance to reclaim your own life. Throw away the guilt as he is banking on you feeling guilty and embarrassed. That is why he threatens to make a fuss. Stop enabling him control over you. It took me so many years to feel I was entitled to have a life away from ex and be happy. Only you can do it but your family will support you. We can support you through the process on this board. I got to state when told my then first husband had had a car crash I would have been relieved if he had died. I know that sounds so awful but that is how I honestly felt. I even remember fleetingly how much life insurance as I could not remember. He was badly hurt and it took months but he recovered.

My second dh has made me so happy and spends all of his time showing me how much he loves and cares for me. He builds me up whereas ex took pleasure in pulling me down.

Counselling taught me that no one should put up with a partner who makes them feel constantly unhappy. No one should put up with constant criticism. Everyone is entitled to feel good about themself and worthwhile. No one should feel obliged to stay in relationship if they no loger want to. You are not responsible for his behaviour. It is not selfish to want to leave an abusive partner. Make this your mantra. Say it over and over again. That us how I became strong enough to divorce my ex.

Dont waste another day with this man. Go and see a solicitor and plan how you will leave. Can you look on rightmove for somewhere to rent to start with. You may wish to buy later. If you own your own home now a judge starts with premise if no children live at home and neither are disabled it will be split 50-50 and any pension is pooled then split 50-50 too.

You can make a new and happier life for yourself. I wasted 10 years of my life feeling miserable. You have also wasted many years feeling the same. Please stop enabling him to steal more of your years from you. Take back control over your own happiness. We all gave courage inside us we just need to look hard. Can you get any counselling? It helped me a lot.

Sorry so long but I have stood in your ill fitting and pinching shoes until I finally kicked them off. Do the same, you will feel like you are walking on air.

Sending hugs and sympathy. Set a date and get out as soon AS TIY CAN IN CASE HE IS violent when he realises what is happening. Do not give him your new address. It might be worth taking a short term lease so you can start moving things out. Give you time to decide on where you want to live in the future. Do not feel guilty - you now need to think of yourself and you have family support. He is a controlling bully. You will be able to build a new life.

Hello,
Devoting 40 years to a man who doesn't appreciate you, is sad. Sounds like he enjoys your misery and will continue his madness. There's a whole new bright chapter of your life waiting for you. I would encourage you to consult an attorney and get a plan of action. I suspect that once your husband sees the cook, housekeeper and doormat is exiting, he'll try and convince you that he'll change. This is a common scenario. Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Close the door, and enjoy life again. You deserve it.

Think of yourself please I was in a bad marriage for 23 years and wanted to leave many times but didn't have the courage to then I found out he was having a affair with my best friend and he left me for her it was hard at first because I had 2 12 year olds at home but when I got on my feet and got a home I always wanted I could be me its been 20 years since this happened i am in really bad health but I am happy so happy that i say i had such a good friend she took my husband off my hands for me lol try and write down all the things you could do if you was on your own and the life you would have but remember he will try saying things that might make you want to stay that's mental abuse and you cant let him get away with it just keep thinking about that list and you will do it you are a human being not a punch bag or robot hope this helps you

No advice but wishing you all the luck in the world x

I feel for you. I would suggest that you visit a solicitor for advice Before you tell him. You need to be clear in your own mind what it is you are going to achieve and have that mindset. I know what these domineering types are like and he will likely use all sorts of threats and reasons to unsettle you. If you have a good plan in your head it is easier to deal with these varmints.

Your abuse by your hubby has created your guilt
Go now, you will definitely feel so much better for it, you will begin to enjoy life again.
I did it and had younger children, they were brain washed by their father. I supposedly caused all his anxieties and illnesses. Well the girls left home, started their own lives, realised I wasn’t the person he made me out to be. He is in a nursing home with Parkinson’s Disease now in another state, no contact with his daughters or grandchildren and so he is a lonely old man. Do I care? No. He made his bed, he can lie in it. My daughters say the same, no brain wash from me, they realised I am the happiest I have ever been and they all love their step father as if hubby is their real father.
So, again I say GO, you will never regret it

You need to do whats right for you and you know in your heart you can not live like this anymore and you deserve to be happy. An please stop feeling guilty because I bet he doesn't feel guilty every time he gives you verbal and emotional abuse. I'm sending you my love.

Since you are clearly going to go, do it. Don't stay a minute longer with that miserable --. He clearly believes you won't do it. Show him.

You are living in an abusive relationship. If any of your DC told you they were experiencing what you are in their relationship what would you advise; hopefully for them to leave. Your situation will not change after all this time and could even become worse. Give yourself the respect you are entitled to and deserve and leave.

Go for it NonnaS and all good luck to you. Never feel guilty for leaving an abusive partner. And as for 'helping' in the house - isn't it his house too? Not your job to skivvy for him, especially given his attitude. I hope you have a truly wonderful rest of your life.

I'm not a fan of Meghan Markle, but she said something that really struck a chord with me. We are not just meant to survive, we are meant to THRIVE.
Accept that the only person who is going to get you out of your mess is you.
I was widowed at 54, now I have made a new life for myself. Not what I wanted, I didn't have any choice. I live a very simple modest life at home, but can afford to treat myself now and then. Soon, I'm off to Cyprus for 2 weeks, on my own, but it's a Tui holiday, they fly from Bournemouth, my local airport, organise day trips, and have a rep in the hotel if I need to ask anything. Later in the year I'm staying at the Mistral Hotel in Maleme, Crete, singles only, a lovely place where the food is great, interesting trips, great company, and you never eat on a lonely table for one.
It's your choice what you do with your life, but ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. If you are not happy, you've got to do something about it. I'd also suggest secretly recording any aggression towards you, on your phone. Clear evidence of how your are treated.

Your situation really resonates with me. I had been married for over 35 years and after all those years of emotional and verbal abuse with surreptitious "accidental' physical abuse, his infidelity, gaslighting, neglect, uninvolvement in any family vacations and celebrations (including his own family), I left. He had never been involved with our children and I raised them very successfully on my own. I did everything on my own or with my children or my friends. I could go on for pages listing what a miserable existence I had with him. For many reasons, I didn't have options to leave and was actually literally petrified to take a stance and leave.

It had finally gotten to the point when I stood up for myself and he threatened me with every action; physically, mentally and financially; promising to take away every penny of finances including medical insurance and leave me destitute on the streets. We had a prenup drawn up by his family lawyers when I was very young and naive, that would enable that. I couldn't believe that after so many years of taking care of his every whim and need in every aspect of our lives that he could hate me so much as to wish all that on me.

I thought how can I continue to live with someone who hates me so much and I realized for so long. I also realized that he was either a narcissist or a full blown sociopath who viewed every single thing in life as a competition and hated to "lose". He told me he didnt care about anybody ( and that included our children). I realized he had been raised in such a way that he literally was devoid of any ability to love and care for others. I knew there was no choice but I had to get my ducks in a row and leave. I knew there was the strongest chance he would leave me destitute and he actually fought with every cent of his considerable financial resources to get that prenup honored by the courts (even though we were in a different country.) He had reduced me to feeling I was totally incompetent and worthless but but after many weeks of paralysis, I got up the courage to file for divorce. I didn't care what happened to me but I could not go on like that anymore.

It was very hard and he dragged me through hell and back as he couldn't deal with the fact that I had stood up to him and left HIM.

I just wanted to be free; free from abuse, being lonely and living miserably and in fear. Leaving was the hardest and BEST thing I ever did. I really was not looking to meet somebody else and I had no trust. But I actually met the kindest, most caring, loving, thoughtful man who recognizes my worth and treats me so well. His treatment of me really highlights the wickedness I lived with for so long. It took me a long time to forgive myself for staying so long.

Please, please please don't allow yourself to be miserable for the rest of your life.
You have taken care of everyone else your whole life, You owe it to yourself to now look to your own happiness and find PEACE If I can do it, anyone can. It's hard but it's worth it. Call on your inner resources and strengths and do it. I've never met anyone who has regretted leaving an untenable situation.

Wishing you good luck and strength.

You have put up with this long enough. Too many men get away with being spoilt children all their lives. He is the one who should be feeling guilty. If it were not so serious I'd have laughed where you said - basically if you don't play ball he'll play up at family events - what a child!!!

This isn't a rehearsal, this is it, one life. How ever many years you have got left live them the way you want to. You weren't put on this earth to enhance his life! With the support of your children you can do it.