I want to leave after 40 years

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasures that you seek

A friend left her husband after 52 years of marriage. She said that he could easily continue to be selfish, boring and controlling for another ten years or longer, and that she wanted a chance of happiness. She went back most days to hoover and cook his lunch, he had stayed in the family home, and then enjoyed herself for the rest of the day and evening in her own small flat. Another friend left her husband after 47 years of marriage, says she should have left years before.

In both cases all the adult children and grandchildren completely agreed and are thrilled at how happy their mothers now are! ?

When I decided to leave,I got up very early,got dressed and drove the smaller of our two cars down the road .
I walked back and into the bedroom and told him I was going -and went.
I wouldn’t tell anybody if I were you.
Just go.
I do hope and believe you will be far far happier than you are now ,as I was.

flygirl have you considered therapy to give you the strength to leave your abusive husband? Sounds like you lack confidence to do the right thing for yourself. Your situation is only going to get worse when he retires. I'm sure you'll get a lot of support on here or mumsnet

I agree that you should go - but, having been in a similar situation, I know it is hard to leave even though you know it is 'the right thing' to do. Anyone who has not been in an abusive relationship thinks 'Why not just go?" but if you've been there, your own self esteem goes down and down and you can begin to feel that you could not manage on your own, and that you need to look after the abuser in some way. No! He is an adult and it is his job to manage his life - as long as you are there you are propping him up in a life he is used to - he will benefit too if this bad relational entanglement comes to an end. Leaving is a big step, however much it is the right thing to do. Find someone who will be your support as you plan and leave - and go.

I agree with Applegran.. I was in fairly situation but it’s my house so I had to get him to leave, he was never supportive and could be verbally aggressive and that wears you down over time. You will need support to set the ball rolling and to lean on on your down days. I got all my ducks in a row way before he had any idea what I was doing. That would be my advise to you is get yourself sorted with a home etc cos that will give you strength so when he shouts you down you already have your safe haven to go to. Yes the guilt is there but the relief and happiness and contentment far out weighs that. Good luck, stay strong and do let us know how things go.

Hello. You sound worn down by it all. You don’t have to live like this and a little bit of guilt is nothing compared to the torture you will feel if you stay. Get hold of all your resolve and leave and don’t look back. It’s a big world out there and it’s just waiting for you to enjoy. Good luck. X

My sisters husband was selfish and knocked her about and always having affairs . When I asked why she didn’t leave him she replied that it was because of the money and life style. She died many years before than him and I believe he contributed to death. My husband and I were poor but happy.
You only have one life so go.

Go - & don't waste any more time. Life is too short to stay.
Good luck.

A few points, sorry if they have been made already. It might be worth moving in with friends or relatives before you get a place of your own if you're worried he might try to make you return. As well as moral support it would also make it quicker to move when you've got your documents, belongings etc in order. A friend made a list of things she needed to ask the solicitor every time she was due to visit so the meeting would not be longer than half an hour to keep the cost down. Don't let this situation go on or underestimate the effects of ageing - I firmly believe that some men get more bad tempered as they get older, and you will probably lose confidence. Don't let it drag on and get into a situation where you're no longer confident enough to change things. Good luck!

I left after thirty three years. I hung on hoping for change but it never came. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done and believe me I’ve had some tough times. After the initial shock my children and family have been so supportive, but I did it on my own. Financially it was a struggle to begin with but eventually I found my feet and I’m so glad that I moved on. I wish you all the best and good luck. ?

We were all brought up in the days when women were respected. Wives made the family and the man provided. Things have changed and women have moved on to have lives of their own and are not reliant on the man.
Your man seems to be of the old school expecting you to be subservient. Don't. Get out while you still have a life left to live. Do not feel guilt. You are not guilty. He is.
Good luck.

Emotionally abusive people are good at making people feel guilty. My mother was forever apologising for my father because he had decided to be upset when she wanted to do something for herself although he could do whatever he wanted.
The advice seems to be unanimous, that you should leave. Stop thinking about what it will be like for him and get excited about what the move will mean. You can have your own place, choose your own furniture, eat what you want, watch tv when you want and go out and do what you want. Tell your children that you want to leave if you haven't already and they will probably encourage you.
If you give into the guilt you are sacrificing your life for his. You don't have another one.
Go while you are still young enough to do what you want. He had a choice as to how to treat you so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

NonnaS get out, go, run! You have one life and are allowed to be happy. I am going through a divorce and am not able to fund a move until the house is sold, and my life sounds similar to yours. But no way am I going to feel guilty for leaving my oh on his own. I have soent 40 years being everything to everyone and being sneered at by my oh. While I was busy with work and children I never realised how bad he was, but since he retired I realise what a mean selfish lazy man he is. I am working and hoping to have a reasonable standard of living and being able to relax which is difficult with him around. Please be selfish and do this for you, we are a long time dead.

Please go and make a better life for yourself. You deserve too.

You don't have to discuss it with him. You've tried and it leads to shouting and arguments. Arrange a rented house or flat, get your finances in order and GO. Everything else can be dealt with later.

My advice is to leave as soon as possible. We have one life and we deserve to be happy. I divorced in 2017 after a long marriage; emotional and financial abuse were involved and my (ex) husband was a serial adulterer. 'Promises' to change were always broken. He's now married again - his third time. I'm free and happy. No one dragging me down. Don't feel guilty - let him be miserable if that's what he wants. You don't have to share his misery. I've recently started another degree and am loving the challenge!

You cannot stay with this man out of guilt. If you have money to set up somewhere new, please do it ASAP. You are worth far more than a miserable existence with a man that does not appreciate you. Go with your heart and be guided by what other people have advised you to do. Best of luck.

I have read all the these posts and everyone is saying you should go, and I think you know it in your heart that this is what you need to do.

See a solicitor first....you can get a free first session with most solicitors, so you could even shop around for one you like. They will advise you of the ways to keep your money safe and to make sure you are protected. Then once you have everything planned - spread your wings and fly. Best of luck....you have lots of gransnetters here to support you. (I left 10 years ago at the age of 61 and never regretted it)

As has been said by others ….plan your future. I hope you already have a separate bank account ...if not, get one ! Find all the paperwork for everything you have jointly in the house (i.e. mortgage, bills, income and outgoings) …..then go and see a solicitor. Once you have established your rights to what then you can hunt for property for one …..as far away from him as possible (but obviously since you have family, not too far away from them !) Don't know your age, but you can buy a property share which is cheaper than outright but it has disadvantages for any future sale …...look into it carefully ! Once you have sorted all this, and found somewhere to live ...GO ….if you have difficulty moving your belongings perhaps you have a friend/or a storage facility/ you could move things into over time so he doesn't notice
…. find out from CAB what your entitlement might be to any financial aid if you need it …...good luck !

Please leave this man who clearly doesn't care about you and has been abusing you for a long time. I think a lot of people don't understand the effect that living with an abuser has on your self esteem or self worth. Be careful for your own safety. I say this because he has been violent in the past. I wish you good fortune and happiness in future.

Have a look online for local organisations which support those experiencing domestic abuse. Their website will even tell you how to browse without being detected. They will almost certainly have an advice line. Please, please ring them. They will give you the practical advice and emotional support to take the next step.

I did a piece of work around domestic abuse a few years ago and spoke to a number of people who had experienced it as part of the research and final report. I will never forget one woman saying that the emotional abuse was a hundred times worse than any physical abuse. I believed her. Your husband has chipped away at your confidence and is controlling you and it is only now that you are beginning to see this. His threats of what he is going to do if you leave are part of his controlling behaviour.

You are responsible for you, he is responsible for his own actions.

I wish you the strength and courage to take the next step. Do it quietly, do it quickly and please contact your local domestic abuse organisation for their help. They will be able to give you all sorts of practical and emotional support. Wishing you all the best - you can do this ?

It seems abusers foster guilt in their partner...another form of abusive control. What day is better than today to find your self-pride and walk away....permission not required or requested. Best luck...you can do it.

Everybody on here has said it ... GO! And I wish you all the very best of luck. You'll make it! In a year's time, you'll look back and think, 'Why didn't I leave years ago?' Please don't waste any more of your life. It's precious. It's Yours!