I want to leave after 40 years

I separated after 20 years and my ex carried out all his previous threats, and more, over the first couple of years. He was only physically violent the day I said that’s it, no more. This followed years of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. He kept swinging from angry, controlling moods, damaging my car etc, to weeping, self pitying behaviour and suicide threats.. I had taken advice prior to separating (try ringing Women’s Aid) and I made sure I had separate banking for future salary plus important paperwork was stashed elsewhere safely (e.g. passport, certificates, bank details, treasured photos, Mum’s rings etc). Have a ‘spring clean’ sort out now and, in the process, collect essential clothes etc in one place to grab quickly and put in a bag to leave. The essential thing is to keep yourself safe as physical things can be replaced. The most dangerous time and risk of physical harm to you will be at the point of leaving and the first few weeks. Best thing I ever did for myself as the following 20 years have been so happy and fulfilling. You deserve to be relaxed and happy.

I know i am going to say this wrong but as a young girl and older woman i had other women say the things that made them bitter
Such as that is abuse
He is gaslighting you
You should leave ...

The point is yes abuse control beating is wrong
Putting you at risk is wrong
But thete are so many levels inbetween...
We all have things happen but only you know
Its up to you to decide

If you hate him then leave because that must be horrid for both of you,
Relationships mean both of you

So do you want to be alone can you cope mentally do you have enough money will you be happy if old and alone ?

All those that suggest you leave will not be there to support you

What about him - will he be happier if you leave ?

It really is totally up to you

For me - it took me until the age of 56 to find my love
Now at 61 we are both getting things wrong with us
I just hope to get to 63 then 70 then 77 and beyond with a hand to hold ...

Non a, start getting your ducks in a row, as others have said, take all your important documents, birth, marriage certs, all the info about your finances, and take photos at least his if you have access to them, at very least details of what bank and the account numbers so he can't hide them. Have a friend or family member look after them, any personal possessions you'd be sad to lose, photos, jewellery, mementos, anything you'd be sad to lose just in case. Some women move clothes etc out too on the pretext that they're having a bit of a clear out. Get advice from a solicitor, you can go for a divorce as soon as you are ready on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. And abuse such as he's doled out to you is unreasonable behaviour. Contact women's aid too for support and advice. Try not to change your behaviour so he doesn't get suspicious.
A solicitor will be able to help you work out what you can afford to do, so you can start making plans.
One thing you need to consider is if you own the house how is it held, is it jointly owned, or do you own it as tenants in common. If you own it jointly when one of you dies the house goes straight to the other. person. On a solicitor friend's advice I made a will leaving everything to my children excluding him, this needs to be worded properly so it is OK for both now and after divorce. I then had to split the tenancy so if I did die my half of the house would go to the children (my ex was both abusive and adulterous and I did not want anything to benefit his partner in adultery). If you already hold the house as tenants in common that's ok, if not it is quite quick and easy but he will get a letter saying you've done it so you'll need to time it right
It will be difficult for you for sure and you may have doubts along the way but once you are out the other side things will start to get better, whereas if you do nothing things will stay the same or get worse.
I found that doing the freedom programme was really helpful, it helped me so much, I was lucky enough to have a group running nearby but you can do it online, if possible a group is good though, it's not really about violence but obviously that comes into it, it's the 1001 ways that he will have controlled you over the years, some you'll not have thought we're abusive but were. It helped me understand that it was absolutely nothing to do with me, how he behaved, it was him, and honestly when you hear the stories other women tell you'll think that they'd all read the same book. I ararted to write down horrible things he'd done to me and if I ever felt well maybe we can get back together I would read it and think no I don't want that to happen ever again
Leave only when you're ready and have put safety steps in place as advised by women's aid, but I'd suggest you got steps in place sooner rather than later.
If he misbehaves yes it is embarrassing but you know what it shows everyone what a nasty person he is, I had some funerals that he was at and I just behaved like a reasonable person, other events when he behaved badly I didn't and know that people judged him rather than me

NonnaS - take heart from those who have been in similar situations. I left my husband of over 30 years and understand the guilt but he should bear the guilt not you. I became so used to doing everything and looking after my husband who has mental illness. I sacrificed my life in the process. He took it all. It is scary, especially when you are older but you will find strength you didn’t know you had. A good site I found was flyingfree.com Sending a big hug

Has the OP been back to update at all? I hope she’s ok.

All of the above!!!! Get out whilst you still can.

Life is like a book with many chapters. You are in charge of what will be in the next chapter. You only have one life and deserve to be happy. Dig deep and do what is in your heart, ignore his threats, that is only his insecurity, he has bullied you for long enough in order to keep you there. Time to break free, you have the support of your family, go for it! Good luck and happiness.

When I posted I never thought I would get so much help and advise and I am enormously grateful to you all for your posts and your private messages.

I still feel guilty and I suppose I will for some time but I know I must leave for my own mental health.

In the past week I though of nothing else but then I doubted myself as he has been ok (not great but ok) to me. But yesterday he said something horrible to me for no reason and I realised I must get on with it and make the arrangements to leave.

So as of this week I am"getting my ducks in a row".

Your advise, suggestions and telling me of your own experiences have been comforting and so very helpful I am far more positive.

So thank you all.
I will try and update once the dust has settled.

You are all amazing wonderful people and if I can ever help someone as you have to me I will be there.

XX

Go for it, NonnaS we're with you all the way.

Hi. NonaS, I was in the same situation as you, except I’m disabled in a wheelchair, I was married for 38 years, I Kew my ex husband when I was 13 years old my ex was 20, he moved in with my mum, me and my 3 brothers, he was 6 years older than me, I ha our first baby at 18 years old then we moved out of mums into a home of our own, my ex was a long distance lorry driver, he had an affair left me itch 3 small children for 3 month’s, then asked to come home, I let him come home as he was my first love ? and I was angry but still loved him, e said together for the 38 years I never forgot what he did and never really trusted him again 100%.
The age of 50 he got abusive, my boys were older now and had left home, I had no friends as he didn’t want me to have any,one day I’d just had enough I got the number of a women’s aid they said they would help me, I wheeled my self out of that bungalow with just the clothes I had on, I was with women’s aid for 7 months, they helped me so much, I’m now 62, I met a lovely ? uk internet of all things lol, we are very happy. If you need anyone to talk too, please don’t esitate to get in touch.❤️??xx

Yes, it really is easy. There's no need to prepare, find important paperwork, plan or delay. Do those things if you really must but you can just put your coat on and walk out. You'll find help with Women's aid or at your local police station. Things can be replaced - people can't!

Screw your courage up and leave. Stick with your decision and I doubt that you will ever regret it. My first husband verbally and worse, emotionally abused me before and after marriage. It left me feeling that I was less than the s**t on a shoe. I loved him and thought I needed to try harder to make him happy. I look back on the person I had become and I could weep, well I do sometimes. I know I was on the verge of an abyss of misery but then I was contacted by someone he was having an affair with. I ended up comforting her as he was doing the same to her as to me. I told him that I knew he was being unfaithful, but not how I knew, and he got down on his knees, held my hands and said it wasn't true. That was what I needed to give me the courage to go and not to go back. Don't wait for a breaking point, go and ignore his protestations. My husband tried everything to get me to go back. Tears were just the start, emotional blackmail and a badly staged suicide "attempt". He phoned friends to tell them, knowing that they would tell me. Unfortunately I rushed round too quickly to find him with tea and toast, reading the paper.
I wasn't going to go for a divorce but he told a friend that he was sure we'd eventually get back together. I was at the solicitor's the next day. My every best wish is with you. I was content and peaceful on my own. I did meet a wonderful man who has given me the best years of my life but it did take me years to accept that someone could find me lovable. With hindsight, I can see that my husband had lots of problems that I couldn't solve. When I read now about emotional abuse I can totally relate to it. Be kind to yourself and walk away and more importantly, STAY away.

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I left after 4o years .most of that spent alone as he always preferred to work away .Like you I had a small inheritance and this allowed me to buy a modest house .We remain friends but I know I did the right thing . I brought my children up alone and fought constant debt problems through his spending . you deserve a peaceful life. Leave him to it .he will find which side his bread is buttered.

I too have been married for 40 years and my husband is retired. The difference is that I am loved, respected and cared for. That is how it should be. Not the way you are being treated.

If you can afford to leave please do so. You would be so much happier. Don't let him dictate to you please.

NonnaS You've read lots of other's circumstances.

Having been through emotional abuse for 3/4 of a 20yr marriage all I can add is that it should be regard as bad as physical abuse.

You need independent support and a listener. I used a counsellor secretly. I've heard are RELATE brilliant.

Mine told me that I would wake up one day and make an instant decision. I did this on 1st January 1990. Got up, packed a bag and went to a friends for a couple of weeks till I found a place to rent.

You need support to help you afterwards too and that includes a solicitor.

Keep in touch with GN

Get a new job so he can not trace you. Any job do not be particular and temporary accommodation. Until you are emotionally ok you are a victim of emotional abuse. Inform your loved ones when you have made solid plan. You only get one life this is not practice its living now a happier life for you.

Just seen this thread. I left my husband of 35 years about 6 years ago and never regretted it for a moment. If you feel as bad as I felt you will know deep down that whatever is facing you in the future on your own it will never be as bad as what you have been facing for all those years. Even being financially insecure for a few years is worth it - you have no one to answer to any more. You only have one life so live it as you want and not as someone else wants!! Good luck.

Well NonnaS I was in a very similar marriage and after 32 years of marriage I decided to divorce him and I left and set up by myself and hand on heart it was the best thing I have ever done.
I have never looked back and my life is wonderful even my adult children said I should have gone years ago and they have been so supportive.
11 years later re-married to a great sensitive man whom my family get on fabulously.
So go for it and have a happy life NonnaS.
You won`t regret it.

Go and go now. Stop delaying. Run and don’t look back.

@NonnaS please do it. Allow me to live vicariously through you and enjoy your future.
I too have been married for 42 years. I wish, wish, wish I had your courage.
I tried to leave twice, but am still here.
Lucky, I guess, that I am happy some of the time, I am not physically abused, and and financially comfortable,but Ok dream if being free.

I know how you feel, and am cheering you on. I hope you escape ?

*do dream of being free

Daisydoes. You only one life. If you have an alternate dream reach for it.

I know Gummie, but I also know myself well enough to know I won't do it, so can only applaud and admire those that do.

I agree with the others who have given you advice to leave. But, I can understand there may be other issues you may have in leaving. For instance; Will your children understand and support you? Are you ready to be alone? There are many other questions I am sure you are pondering.
There is one thing you mentioned that others have said and I agree with. He physically abused you and that is/should be the last straw. Once someone gets away with that with no repercussions then they most likely will do it again. I suggest you do what you thing is best, but please distance yourself from this jerk. I will pray for your safety and sanity.