Husband talking to new love in the house while I am there?

I think you d be better starting a new thread or asking HQ to start it for you with this post People might get muddled with the different stories

Good morning all. I haven’t posted in a very long time, but I have an issue that I just cannot shake off, and would like some sage opinions/advice.

I split from my ex July 2018 after 7 years, the relationship wasn’t good in my opinion. I was never really attracted to him, but thought it would ‘grow’ as we had a lot in common, however, his personality was a difficult one, and therefore that ‘growth’ never happened. I caught him out in several lies (mostly about women) he was very secretive and protective of his phone. Eventually I could not continue any longer, and ended the relationship. He Pursued me trying to get me back/change my mind, this time I had the resolve to stick to it, and a weight lifted off me immediately, to this day I am glad with my decision, and I never intended any further friendship with him.

Now to my ‘issue’. He has been in a relationship for over a year, so well established I’d say. He ‘keeps in touch’ every so often by a text, sends me birthday/Christmas cards. And for Valentine’s Day sent me a homemade CD of my favourite band! He sends my adult children cards (they tolerated him, no relationship) and the most recent text about our welfare during the COVID lockdown, he mentions meeting up with me and my kids after

I don’t understand any of this behaviour, I doubt his girlfriend knows any of this and sure she would be displeased if she did?!

Why is he doing these things if he is in a relationship? Controlling me? Does he feel sorry for me? It’s causing me to think about him more than the odd fleeting moment.

Would appreciate some opinions here.

I can’t see he has a choice. Besides your separated to be divorced!
If it were me I’d get on my mobile phone and ‘pretend’ to be talking with a man...I’d be talking...laughing,etc....see what happens then x

What alternative does he have? Sit in the garden shed or in the car?

It is reasonable to ask him perhaps to only use one particular room to phone, (and I do not mean kitchen or loo) where you cannot hear, and he seemed to be willing to do that when you ask. I am sorry, this is just one of the other minor inconveniences that go with separation and divorce.

@bluebelle I don’t recall saying he had done anything wrong ! Everyone needs a little karma in their lives ?

But yorkshirelsss why does she need karma he hasn’t actually done anything wrong they ve been estranged for ten flipping years Has he got to be celibate for the rest of his life it’s not just his fault they re still sharing living accommodation it takes two to tango

helleborus are you still in love with your almost ex husband and have you been staying in his life hoping to get back together or if it’s a financial thing then you have to accept that you’re two separate units and like roommates you can both have other partners if you wish

We were in the same situation but I can honestly say it didnt bother me, one year his girlfriend joined the family christmas.

I think it is because I am really over our relationship ending, enough that we are genuine friends.

I think that maybe you are not over him,nothing about him would bother you if you were.

Hoping it will be easier when you are living separately.

I had this problem and even though it hurts like hell, you have to deal with it and believe me you will get through , always believe in Karma ! ?

I can understand this probably makes you feel sad. But really your husband is just moving on and living his life. You need to do the same. You need to sell asap.

Yes you are being overly sensitive but maybe it will give you the kick you need to stop fannying about and sort yourselves out. After being estranged for 10 years you should be far more advanced with moving on and out. I've no clue why you are still house sharing because it's not working for you is it?

The OP hasn’t returned but maybe the ‘separation’ suits her because they aren’t actually separate ?
It doesn’t sound as though it was her idea in the first place and as long as he is still in the same house, maybe she harboured thoughts that he might decide that the divorce is a mistake?
Sadly though he has moved on, my advice would be to accept the inevitable and move the divorce proceedings along, put the house on the market next week and start a new life.
BTW I hope she isn’t still doing all the housework, washing , cooking etc.

ExactlyFiachna why does it bother Helleborus, she still sounds very upset even after 10 years.

How is it disrespectful? The marriage is over. Neither of them has any say in what the other does unless it is abusive in some way.

There’s been no love in this marriage for over 10 years. Why shouldn’t he have someone to speak lovingly to. In a private telephone call.

As for “he’d be out on his ear” or “why doesn’t he live with his mistress” it is his home as much as the OP.

I can understand you finding it difficult. I agree either play the radio or use ear plugs. Try and improve your social life perhaps? I wish you well.

Why does it bother you if you are getting divorced?

Lovely username, btw
I do like Hellebores, welcome to the garden. There are quite a few of us flowers and plants on GN.

Is it for financial reasons that you still share a house?

It's essentially a house share and your house mate is entitled to phone a friend.
10 years is a very long to continue sharing living accommodation with an estranged partner.

I can’t believe you have spent 10 years apart, together . Why?

Oops pardon my manners . Welcome to Gransnet Helloborus

Bad manners.

I know exactly how you feel, because I've been there and living in the same house until it could be sold was the hardest thing to bear. It's insensitive of him to hold those conversations where you can hear them. It's rather immature behaving like a lovelorn teenager. If you needed confirmation that divorce is the right thing, it's right there in his disrespect for you.

Hold your head high and act with dignity at all times. Do not let him see that you are at all bothered by it. You will soon be in a far better place. xx

PS. The affair ended when she realised he wasn't what she thought he was. Oh how I laughed then.

Are you a new member, Helleborus?

I don't understand why, if you are separated you share a house. Am I missing something?
I would feel extremely peeved if lovey-dovey voices were in my earshot.
If I were him I wouldn't want my conversations overheard either - surely it's easy enough to take your mobile phone away. Why doesn't he live with his mistress?

I remember watching Dallas a TV series about very rich oil tycoons. They only had one phone (and they seemed to share a house) so were always overhearing things they shouldn't.
I am annoyed on your behalf Helleborus and hope it's resolved soon.

I wouldn't say you are being unreasonable but you aren't being realistic, which is what your situation (and you) need.

He really doesn't have much alternative to making private calls in his own home, does he?

You, however, have alternatives to hearing it. Earplugs, radio/CD player next to your bed; TV etc.

But you know, having read your post, I have a suspicion you still have a tendresse for your husband and wish you were still his exclusive love, so perhaps some of this an understandable jealousy.

I take it you will have separate homes once the divorce comes through?

I think it’s really awful for you BUT if you’ve been parted 10 years surely both of you are allowed in separate lives with possible new partners or new friends you must have agreed on being just ‘room mates’ originally Did you set down any ground rules
Why hasn’t one or both of you moved it must be horrendous being in the same house but it’s a choice you ve both made and must have been happy with if you ve stayed in it for so long why have you waited ten years to get divorced and are you still going to be living together after the divorce
I couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible when I parted company there’s no way I would have shared a house
So my answer is yes painful and not the best to be hearing at all but unless you set down rules about it all those years ago I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong

I think you've been pretty tolerant tbh. There's no way I'd have been subject to such humiliation as that's what it is, he'd have been out on his ear. The bloomin' cheek of him.