Controlling husbands

Sorry Coolgran I didn't notice the date and I asked if you had inadvertently suggested that because I didnt notice the date! I wasn't meaning to "get at" you , more wondering if you meant it to read as it did.

Hope you are coping as best you can with the isolating.

Same as SueDonim.
I wouldn`t be here if DH started that caper.

My husband is so controlling it makes me stressed.....

My huband is so controlling it drains me.....

Evie, is he on lithium for his bipolar?

Anyway bipolar is not a cause of bossiness or unfriendliness. I know; I lived with a bipolar man.

Hi there, I stumbled on this site by accident so I’m new to this site and this is my first post! I saw this post and it really struck a chord with me. In the Eighties I was a PA to a director of a large multinational company with an office in London and that’s where I met a lovely man who was 12 years older than me (at the time I thought I was a bit like Princess Diana!). He came from Yorkshire and was quite well off, good job in the company, nice car and he had a lovely flat by Tower Bridge - not surprisingly I was really bowled over by him . I’m quite laid back and easy going and am considered pretty - slim (size 10), medium height with – back then - long, blond hair. We married in 1990, I was 26 and he was 38. We moved to a large house in Greenwich, I was probably a bit immature but like Bbarb, DH was always picking holes in me – I became a housewife (his suggestion) and he wanted everything just so – cushions puffed, papers cleared away, everything tidy and the house spotless. He would tell me to recook meals if he didn’t like what I’d served up and change my clothes when we went out if he didn’t like what I was wearing. He controlled the purse strings too and would make all the decisions and reverse anything that I did without his say so which was really annoying. I would cry most days when he was at work. Then we had a child and I spent the next ten years having babies – 4 in total! DH has always been a good father, supporting me with anything to do with the children and we have never wanted for anything. Also, we lived in New York for six years due to DH’s work which was a good experience for the children, in fact they have all turned out well and appreciate they had a privileged and comfortable upbringing. We’ve always socialised a lot and used to go to a lot of black-tie functions and, as DH likes me to look glamorous, he really doesn’t mind at all about how much I spend on my appearance which is great as I spend a lot! Obviously, because of the age gap most of my friends, and the people we mix with, tend to be that bit older which I have gotten used to over the years. We have now been married very nearly thirty years and DH has mellowed to some extent (he is now retired and we have 3 grandchildren) but I think that somewhere down the line, possibly when the children were young if not from the get-go, I just realised that I’d married an Alpha Male and I just got on with it without resenting it or wanting a divorce.

"I just got on with it without resenting it or wanting a divorce."
A bit like me and my husband. He recognises that he's too bossy, but he's also very kind and generous and was a wonderful stepfather to our children who all love him.
Most people a mix of 'good' and 'bad' traits.
An old lady I used to know told me her husband was bossy so she would say "Yes dear" and go ahead doing what she wanted to do.

I guess some men can be bossy/controlling but then women can also be just the same.

I have to laugh when my hubby tells me how to cook. He's forgotten he couldn't boil an egg before he married me, Everything he knows about cooking he learned from me.
His memory is not so good as it used to be, I just let him get on with it and smile.

I have always taken the line of least resistance a bit cowardly . I was told today again to not ring my sister every day during current lock down as it is unreasonable behaviour Finally dared to say he is controlling me and told his mood for 2 days is my fault and if I don’t stop my calls I will have to face the consequences of his bad mood after 50 years this is the worst ever could it be me

MIne doesn't realise he is a control freak. If I do stand up to him and suggest he might be wrong, he acuuses me of being the CF ! He maintains he is very humble, while telling me all my faults, and how I should still be keen (at 67) to be trying new recipes, new technology and so on. I am quite content discovering new things by myself, and resent deeply being criticised by him. Tough, as he is ill too, and swings from "Never mind, I'll be dead soon", to "I'm going to get better, just you wait and see". He's not, by the way, but what was supposed to be a terminal diagnosis of six months has dragged on to three years. I'm tired, and tired of his continued arrogance. Deep sigh !

Winefride, why can't you ring your sister? You end by saying is it me? No it's not, it is him trying to control you.

The next time he objects to you going out,ask him why? If his answer is because of the virus,then surely the answer is ‘what’s good for the goose ...etc’

Winefride Least resistance is one thing, doormat to wipe his dirty bad-tempered feet on is another. HE is unreasonable.

Phone your sister. If he repeats his claim that you are the unreasonable one, reply that you speak to HIM every day, and you want to speak to your sister too - and add that if he is going to be in a bad mood and not speak to you for two days again, you will have to phone her twice a day for company to make up for it!

Pommiegran Tell your controller that you have used up all your cooking innovation, and now it is up to him to bring some novelty into meals. Buy him a cookbook (there are some written specially for men) and take a day off from the kitchen. He is probably not so ill as to be unable to read a cookbook and stir a saucepan., particularly if he is a bit hungry

Evie64 - how wretched for you. My husband, who has depressive episodes, controls through his anxiety. Have to stop myself being a "martyr" and sorting things out for him. He does seem to be able to sort things that only involve him rather well!

It’s called Coercive Control. It’s against the law. It is also an acceptable ground now for divorce.
If it’s intolerable now it will only get worse.

The simple answer is no. It's not "wired into the male psyche".
Societal norms in the past have contributed to how we perceive ourselves - but I certainly would not want to live with someone like this.

I see our relationship, mine and my husband's as a partnership. I wouldn't want it any other way and don't think he would either.

My 1st husband was a controller, so my advice to anyone is to stand your ground ASAP. How dare anyone, male or female think that they have the right to control an equal partner, it shows such a lack of respect. It’s said that controllers do this to make themselves feel better to hide their own feelings of inadequacy. I also read that weak men are attracted to women that they feel that they can control as it’s the only way that they can feel like men themselves. This may not always be the case I’m sure, but it certainly was for me. Having had a controlling mother, I used to comply for a quiet life, then I realised it achieved nothing, I was unhappy so I gained control of my own life aged 30 ! and have never been happier.

I had a controlling husband for 25 years , I've now been on my own for 15 years and every day is a day of joyfull freedom

Evie64, Be brave and its not going to be easy, but you are entitled to live out your days in a way that suits you, not be his underling in any way, in this difficult time seek help on line at first and someone out there will be able to help you. I wish you All the luck in the world. xx

Bbarb: If you don't like it leave, easy really.

Evie64. My ex is Bi Polar. I didn't live life like other people....but didn't realise it until we separated. It's never too late to leave. Better to take the step....be on your own, but have peace in your life.

Unfortunately this happens only too often. It is very easy to say walk away or take a stand but in reality that only causes loads of arguments and then you find out that he is entitled to half your pension and assets despite the fact that as in my case i have paid all his debts and worked all my life for my pension. I think this is very unfair and has forced me to stay with someone i no longer like in a home i am not prepared to sell
So i think you are stuck unless you can gradually get a setup elsewhere without his knowledge and then walk away but at what cost financially ?

Ladies with controlling husbands I left after 42 years! Not leaving earlier is my biggest regret. Leave now the courts will sort out all the finance and you will be so much happier. I know I am

No, being controlling is not part of the male psyche generally speaking.

Obviously, it is part of your husband, and I think any trait we have has tended to become worse during the lockdown.

I don't get your point about church - the churches have surely been closed everywhere.

You need to tell your husband that his controlling, or bossy behaviour is getting worse again, and that you have no intention of allowing him to treat you like this.