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Controlling husbands

(78 Posts)
Bbarb Wed 11-Mar-20 11:45:40

Is it hot wired into the male psyche that they want full control of everything? When we first married my DH tried to dictate everything I did - who I saw, what I wore, what I cooked, if I could use the car etc etc etc. It didn't last long and we settled down to the usual married compromises that most families have, but it would have taken off if I'd let it.
However, since the Covid scare he's started wanting to keep me at home - don't go to church, to lunch with your friend, and such ..... but its OK for him to go to to meetings or out for a pint ...... does he think he's superman or is it this inbuilt feeling of superiority?
Needless to say, after 50 years of marriage, it ain't gonna happen - but I wondered if anyone else was finding their OH was behaving like this?

SueDonim Wed 11-Mar-20 12:35:48

Nope, my Dh is just doing as I’m doing - carrying on as usual but being cautious where we need to be.

Coolgran65 Wed 11-Mar-20 12:40:48

DH and I are continuing normal life. Going out for tea tonight with ds and dgs.

Waiting to hear if our holiday will go ahead.
We have two local theatre shows coming up and hope they will not be cancelled.

We are being careful but not OTT.

Do you think your dh is using the virus as an excuse to control you again under the guise of 'caring'.

Bbarb stay the strong lady you have become.

TrendyNannie6 Wed 11-Mar-20 12:42:33

No mine isn’t at all, but then he isn’t a controller, we are both high risk due to health reasons, we are doing exactly what we have always done, but obviously being cautious, and washing hands when and where we can, he certainly wouldn’t tell me what I can and can’t do, nor would I him, I’m glad you are sticking to you’re guns and doing what you want to do, congrats on 50 years of marriage BBarb btw

sodapop Wed 11-Mar-20 13:01:54

I echo coolgran stay the strong woman you have become Bbarb and well done on 50 years of marriage.

NanaandGrampy Wed 11-Mar-20 13:56:10

Forgive me, but when I saw the title I thought it would be hints and tips on training husbands 😁

After 43 years of marriage I have a few 😉

I’m afraid I can offer much advice as my husband couldn’t control a runaway small child , let alone me ! And neither would he want to .

Stand your ground I say !

SalsaQueen Wed 11-Mar-20 14:26:25

I've been married for almost 40 years (I'm 60), and my husband has always supported me emotionally, financially (at least for many years when our sons were growing up) and in every way.

I ask his opinion on things - what should I do with my hair/shall I change job, that kind of thing - but in the end, I do what I like, and always have done.

I can't imagine being with someone like your husband.

TerriBull Wed 11-Mar-20 14:44:12

I'm sorry for your situation OP, I really don't think a controlling personality is hot wired into the male psyche, men being 50% of the population, and as such are as diverse in their personality traits as their female counterparts. As we all know some women are just as likely to have the controlling gene.

My husband is far more laid back about the whole situation than I am, but then I'm a born worrier. I can't say I've ever been controlled by a man, well maybe my dad in insisting I go to Sunday mass when I was growing up, but that was a battle he lost eventually! I am sympathetic to your plight as it sounds as if many years of frustration are coming to the fore. I'd merely point out to him when you go out, "what's good for the goose" he can hardly comment on your social meet ups when he is doing the same himself.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

M0nica Wed 11-Mar-20 15:42:18

No men are not hardwired to control and most that I know are not.

I can never understand why women do not make it clear from Day 1 that no man has any right to control them. It only seems to occur to them when they are well down the controlling route and it is difficult to change journey.

Oldbat1 Wed 11-Mar-20 15:46:58

No way would I allow this! And I brought our girls up not to be running around or be controlled by men.

H1954 Wed 11-Mar-20 15:52:19

What he's really afraid of is you catching something nasty, taking to your sickbed and being unable of wiping his backside for him! 🤣🤣🤣

potter6 Mon 16-Mar-20 13:14:57

He would say that he is trying to make sure you don't catch the virus, however it could be looked upon as him trying to control you. What do you think? Is he usually caring of your well being?

paddyanne Mon 16-Mar-20 13:25:57

I'm in control mode here ,My OH has heart problems and HBP so I've been very vocal about who gets through my door and who he sees when he's out .I have never nagged him about anything ever and he knows and understands I'm just anxious ,If he dies they can just pop me in the box with him ,he's my life .

Londonwifi Sat 11-Apr-20 19:42:23

You all might enjoy this story. When I married my first husband he suddenly became really controlling after the honeymoon.
His first day back at work. He’s ready to go out of the door.
“Where are my work shoes?” asks he.
“Where you last put them darling,” I answered.
“Why haven’t you cleaned, polished and put them out for me? My Mum always does that and I need to be treated in the way I am accustomed to!” he shouts.
We are now divorced.😂🤣

Missfoodlove Sat 11-Apr-20 19:50:44

I think mines [email protected]@t scared that it will be me looking after him if he gets it!!!

He has been famously unsympathetic in the past when I have been ill!

Madgran77 Sat 11-Apr-20 21:32:30

Coolgran65 Are you not following any national guidelines on social distancing, staying at home etc etc whilst "continuing normal life"? Or did you inadvertently give that impression?

Hithere Sat 11-Apr-20 21:54:51

No, husbands are not born like that

You are in a abusive relationship

Missfoodlove Sat 11-Apr-20 21:55:46

Coolgran, why do you feel you can continue as normal when everyone else is compliant?

I would love to see my children and grandchildren.

SpringyChicken Sat 11-Apr-20 21:58:39

Madgran77, Coolgran wrote that a month ago.

Cabbie21 Sat 11-Apr-20 22:08:29

Check the date. Coolgran wrote on 11 March when things were very different.

I am very lucky in that my daughter and granddaughter brought me a load of shopping yesterday, so we had a nice chat, at a suitable distance, of course.

On the subject of control, there is only one way in which my husband is very controlling and that is with the TV remote. Now we are both at home every evening I rarely get to watch some of the programmes I like. Fortunately we do enjoy the same things, most of the time.

Evie64 Sun 12-Apr-20 01:12:19

I'm with a controlling husband, who is bipolar. The lockdown is unbearable. I have always been too cowardly to leave and I'm ashamed of that and we've been together 47 years now so I feel that makes it even harder to consider starting again. Plus he'd never leave so I would have to and would do everything in is power to ensure I couldn't sell our marital home. My going out to work each day was my sanctuary, but now I'm working from home. Bipolar means that some days he's really nice, and some days he's really horrible, but there's not a lot in between. The latest is not to run the hot taps as it uses too much gas!!! However, I am a reasonably positive person and always try and lift myself up and remember it's not me, it's him, and at the end of the day, his mental health is not his fault, but that of his family and the dreadful upbringing he had? Woud I do this all again? No way!

Hithere Sun 12-Apr-20 01:19:06

You can still leave, even during pandemic.
Some countries have code words where victims go to pharmacies and they are assisted to get away from abuse

It is never too late

Hithere Sun 12-Apr-20 01:20:43


Dont make excuses for your husband, he is responsible for managing his mental health.
It is not your job to grin and bear it

Leave him. Choose your happiness. You deserve it

Coolgran65 Sun 12-Apr-20 03:45:09

Madgran77 and Missfoodlove I have just returned to this thread and was confused at your comments because dh and I are practising very thorough isolation. Haven't been in a supermarket for 4 weeks etc.
I was very glad to see that, as mentioned by previous posters (thank you for your support), my post was indeed 11 March and Just before it became necessary to practice social distancing and isolation.

I am certainly not living normally while everyone else is compliant. And I would also dearly love to see my dc and dgc.

Thanks again to SpringyChicken and Cabbie21 who supported me in my absence.

Coolgran65 Sun 12-Apr-20 03:57:24

Evie64 if your husband was difficult about selling the house so that you could have your share, the solicitor/barrister would be sorting this on your behalf. Financial affairs would be dealt with as part of a divorce and a judge can ruled that the house be sold or that your husband buy out your share.
Do not be afraid.
One step at a time.
During this pandemic is not the easiest time to start proceedings but until it passes you could be feeling better inwardly knowing that once things are more normal...your time will come.
You could be living in your own little (rented) home contented and happy. For you flowers