Does my partner have a problem ?

I am sorry your partner has behaved badly. Is this a one off or does he often drink to excess? Is the lockdown stressing him unduly? If this is a one off perhaps it is best to let it go. If he regularly drinks too much perhaps you need to try and find a suitable time to discuss it with him. He may well be cross with himself having made himself sick and he will probably feel rough this morning.During lockdown there is no escape from each other so it is best to avoid confrontation if possible.. Hope things improve. If he feels rough he may learn a lesson without you having to say anything.

Drinking in excess in general depends on underlying issues, such as "why" one might feel inclined to drink enough to get drunk-

Alcohol consumption has increased exponentially recently due to pandemic related stressors- I just experienced a similar matter myself with a family member that's in a stressful marriage on the best of days-

Rather than focusing on dependency I focused on talking about the problems the drinking is dependent upon, or in other words, discussing what's driving them to drink-

Suggesting they might be alcohol dependent during a crisis would only add fuel to the fire-

Thank you to both of you. Mum - when he drinks at home he will not always stop at one or two cans but beer is more manageable. He was hunting around on Friday finishing off a whisky that he didnt like, finishing off a small amount of rum, it was almost an obsession. If we are out at weddings or similar I have to keep on at him about his quantity and to pace himself. Rose. He has had these underlying issues for a long time "you need a drink to enjoy yourself" and when asked he will say he just likes the taste.
Yes maybe suggesting a problem was not the right thing to say and Im hoping he will feel rough today. That means though that I will not have an especially nice day treading around him and his mood. This isolation has only been for a two weeks and Im dreading the rest of it

I'm sorry, this doesn't make it right or kind but I think there will be a lot of erratic behaviour and alcohol consumption going on these days.

I would just forget it, wine is much stronger than beer his usual tipple. He just got drunk, that's all, don't overthink it.

We are living in strange times, he will feel rubbish this morning and will probably be put off Prosecco for life!

Can you donate your excess prosecco to a food bank, or is that really silly idea?

Greymar is right, the situation we are in makes our behaviour erratic at times.
It sounds like your partner uses alcohol as a social crutch Flakesdayout and needs help to cope now. Let things settle down then see if he will talk about how he is feeling but not concentrating solely on the drinking. I hope you are both able to sort this out.

My father would drink and become so unreasonable in a matter of minutes! The criticism of food was usually where it started, he would then get very violent.
He was always sorry the next day but I was the one left hiding the bruises and feeling the shame.
It is never acceptable.
You cannot be made to feel like this in your own home.
I don’t know how you tackle this one but you need to do it.
Good luck.

It is the erratic behaviour of drinkers that really bothers me. My step-Dad was a wonderful man but drank like a fish. His mood was all bon homie all the time things were going well but horrible when things went wrong. The trouble was, you never knew what the trigger was. He wasn't violent, just vile.

At the moment I don't think your husband has a 'problem' per se but might find drinking a different tipple has a different effect. My husband once drank strong cider on an empty stomach rather than his usual wife beater Stella and I couldn't believe the change in him. He was rude and loud in a way I have never heard before so I had to get him out of the party before somebody lumped him as one person had already threatened to do. He was really belligerent and horrible. We put it down to experience and now he doesn't drink that. Neither does he drink whisky, ever, because he knows it makes him extremely sarcastic and wounding.

I found that talking to him when he was stone cold sober about how much it was unsettling to me was the way forward. If I tried to say anything at the time, it was disastrous but when he wasn't influenced by alcohol he was apologetic and kind. It might be worth a try.

Hi Flakesdayout,

Firstly, congratulations on your gradual recovery and long may it continue!
You are having to cope with a husband who verbally abuses you when he seeks refuge from himself in alcohol.
One way of approaching this is during a time when he is sober and you feel safe and strong enough to broach it, is to say how this behaviour makes you feel. ie 'When you drink too much and become abusive, I feel ( worried, anxious, hurt, ill..........)' whatever is true for you. That way you are not criticising him, but allowing him to see the effect of his actions when he is able to appreciate what you are saying.
In the long term, counselling or psychotherapy is a very effective approach to discovering, in a non threatening situation, by working together with a professional, the actual cause of this behaviour. In my experience, it is very healing.
Tears shot into my eyes when I read your post, because I left a very abusive marriage after 28 years. But it took me seven years of counselling to become strong enough, after years of being criticised and undermined, to take this action.
I am not for a moment suggesting divorce, just wanted to show the transformative affect of working with a trained specialist.
I wish you and your husband well, and hope very much that you can surmount this together.

My ex swore he didn't have it drink problem but couldn't go more than a few hours without a top up. He said it was all in my mind.

Perhaps your partner is feeling the stress and seeking solace in the bottle. Not a good way to go. Are you able to talk to him about things?

I consider myself an expert on this scenario. 1st husband didn’t drink in the house much as we had 3 small children but when out socially, he poured it down his throat like there was no tomorrow, and altho not aggressive, was very embarrassing. My 2nd husband started drinking when he lost his Co during the recession, he did then become verbally aggressive. He drank daily even when we allegedly had no money for food, he always found money for alcohol. I divorced him for mental cruelty. My last relationship was with a Senior Officer in the Prison Service, who should have known better and he was a secret drinker. I started having my suspicions which were confirmed when he hadn’t hidden all the bottles as well as he thought he had. He was shown the door too. I lost a brother to alcohol abuse too, so I have zero tolerance with it all. If people want to do this, it’s their decision but please do not tolerate this if it is affecting you. I started making a diary where I catalogued all of the incidents and it’s not until you see the repetition in black and white, that you can see if the issue is serious or not. Good luck...

Flakesdayout you said “He was hunting around on Friday finishing off a whisky that he didnt like, finishing off a small amount of rum, it was almost an obsession”.

Now to me that’s a problem I know some may not agree but having lived with an alcoholic first husband hunting around the house and drinking whatever he could find isn’t normal behaviour. As others suggest broach the subject when he’s calm and tell him you feel. I wish you luck.

I'm not sure from your post that your partner is alcohol dependent. You say he likes a beer, but not that he normally drinks to excess.

Neither am I sure why you have a number of Prosecco bottles in the house if you are teetotal - how many do you need?

If this is a regular occurrence - then you need to make the decision as to whether it is something you can put up with, need to talk to him about, or tell him to go.

If it is a one-off, in the current exceptional circumstances, then I'd ignore it. Maybe feeling sick and ill afterwards has taught him a lesson !

Oh dear, this is not want you want as your shielding, wine and spirits are much stronger than beer and can be consumed much faster. Try to keep him on beer only and try not to criticise when he's had enough, it's a red rag to a bull and will make things worse.
Stay well and good luck.

Alcohol in excess be it beer/spirits is a means of escape.To blot out something. Becoming ill following one episode of excess is soon forgotten until the next time. The person concerned needs help.They cannot in ninety nine % of cases conquer this themselves.It is difficult and making threats 'if you don't stop this drinking etc etc is no help The drinker has to want to stop and only expert help will get them there.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I would say that he definitely has a problem and i think you know it in your heart. My father was a drinker and then i married a drinker, divorced now thank god. They dont realise how disgusting and vile they are when drunk. Wait till this is over then give him an ultimation, get help or get lost. I still am affected by my fathers drinking and aggresion 60 years on.

As a recovering alcoholic myself I’m afraid I would say your partner definitely does have a problem

Do you think that he is drinking more than you know? As in hiding bottles in the garage or similar? The husband of a friend of mine did that for years, and she used to think that he just couldn't hold his drink. It turned out that he would have half a bottle of wine in company, but sneak out to top it up between glasses.

If that's the case, and given the likely difficulty for your husband to top up his supplies just now, he might need help to detox, as suddenly stopping drinking can be dangerous for really heavy drinkers. I'm not sure how you would access help during the lockdown, but a call to your GP might be a good place to start.

If the issue is that he is not a regular drinker, but is a nasty drunk, then I agree that you need to talk to him when he's sober. He might not realise just how horrible he's being. If he's not addicted but just 'likes a drink', then maybe he would agree to cut it out, at least whilst you are locked in together. It would be a good way to test his dependence (or lack of it), anyway.

if you are in lockdown who orders the wine ? online or go shopping .or do you have a stash of it .answer is get rid of it.pour it down the sink while he is in bed ......

My ex husband was alcoholic. It ended our marriage. I've heard every excuse in the book from him for drinking.

It wasn't until his drinking nearly ended his SECOND marriage that he wised up.

I would get rid of all of the alcohol in the house. IF he has a problem, it might prevent him from drinking if you can trust him to stay in. IF he isn't dependent. It's just unfortunate you've run out of alcohol.

Really speaking sorry if I offend anyone here but who actually needs to drink alcohol at home ....
Maybe an occasional drop of wine with a meal but why the need on a regular basis. I just don’t get it.
I drink plenty enough when I go out, however I have no real inclination when I’m going about my day to day things in the house to supplement my life with it, and you need to trust me on this I really can put it away and party when I go out.
So I feel it could be a problem for a lot of people currently.

Wildswan16 Having lots of bottles of Prosecco in the house can be also be a sign that the Poster is not a drinker. She gets gifts of wine for Christmas and birthdays and doesn't drink them. Doesn't like to offend the gift givers. Says thanks, and adds to her stash.

To me too, it sounds as if your partner is either an alcoholic or heading that way.

Frankly, in the middle of the lockdown is not the best time to try discussing this with him.

Yes, you can get rid of the prosecco and any other form of alcohol in the house. Some people would say you should do so, but I am concerned about what will happen when he discovers that it has gone.

If he is unlikely to be bothered to find there is no longer any wine or spirits in the house, go ahead and pour them down the sink. But please do take into consideration that he may become very unpleasant indeed when he finds out what you have done.

In my experience, it is never a good idea to try discussing worries about drinking when your partner is drinking. He needs to be sober for you to have any chance at all of getting through to him.

What you can usefully do right now is to get in touch with AA or Blue Cross and ask their advice, as they also provide help to spouses and children of drinkers.

It's a rocky road helping someone out of an addiction, and it will only be possible if your partner himself wants to stop drinking.