Porn

Comparing the last two posts from Smedleyswife, it sounds like it’s all on a bit of a rollercoaster at the moment. There isn’t going to be a quick fix - if they are to reach an equilibrium that both are happy with, it’s going to take time, patience and generosity of spirit. I wish them well.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I think it would really help you to have your own therapist, that sounds like really good advice. I think it sounds like you need to explore your own feelings without your husband being there. Just take it one step at a time

Latest Update. So, I found some useful videos online which explained addiction. We agreed to watch one together after lunch as he was painting and I was working. We ate lunch He went back to painting because he forgot! I sobbed and rang Relate who were very helpful and I discussed my options. He eventually rang a therapist and we had a FaceTime consultation this week. She will work 1:1 with him each week and I will be invited to the discussion from time to time. She comes recommended by relate and was nice enough but school mistressy. She suggested I get my own therapist.

I love him but I’m going through hell, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train, he’s losing weight. It’s ghastly, he’s the last person I would have suspected of this. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, I’m positive about wanting to save our marriage but terrified. I can’t tell anyone and I’m putting my game face on. I’m so pleased it’s lockdown so I don’t need to see anyone.

If he reveals that he’s had sex with anyone I honestly can’t go on, I feel desperately alone.

He said I can sit in the room during the sessions as he has nothing else to hide, seems it’s been about 5 years, He watched soft porn, never escalated to anything else and did not do anything to himself whilst watching it. I’m heartbroken

Vampirequeen wrote:

"If consent is coerced then it's not consent."

There has to be some arbitrary legal age of consent. This is not the only issue.

According to the simplest rule of morality, and even at the level of reciprocity, we should act according to the wellbeing of others. To act according to the wellbeing of others icludes protecting others of any age and condition against harmful products.

Some products are intellectual products and porn is an intellectual product which is sold for profit. If any commercial product including intellectual material is toxic and lacks any benefit whatsoever it is immoral and some porn should be illegal.

Unfortunately I do have knowledge of the effect certain circumstances have on an young soul & the effects it has on the wider family, who through no fault of their own become engulfed in a world that no one should be exposed to.

I am sure its reassuring to believe that.

I wasn't disrespecting gay people. I was replying to a comment about allowing society to decide what is right and wrong in a sexual context and pointing out that when society is allowed to do that then people suffer.

I understand that many people have concerns about porn but there are many in the industry who are not coerced in any way. Just as in the coffee, chocolate, clothing, electronics and many other industries there are those who work freely for a proper wage and those who are coerced/slaves.

The evidence is there for anyone to see. Sorry but I hate the way people use gay people and the prejudice they face as some form of gotcha. Comparing consensual gay relationships with what goes on in porn is not on. Many gay men and women raise concerns about porn will you be beating them over the head with the fact homophobia exists. Are we never to raise concern about how women are exploited in numerous ways in porn, etc because prejudice towards gay people exists.

If consent is coerced then it's not consent.

Not all abused children end up being sexually vulnerable. Whilst damaged in ways most people can't begin to understand, most live 'normal' lives. And before anyone suggests that I can't possibly know that....I can assure you that I can and do. Let's just say that I didn't have an Enid Blyton childhood.

My point about homosexuality was in regard to the comment about society being the judge. Society is full of prejudices.

Consent is the key isn't it. As those working in the field have said it is vulnerable people whose consent is often coerced. If those in the porn industry tend to have a history of being abused as children I wonder what that says about consent.
Equating prejudice towards gay people with people raising questions about porn is all kinds of unpleasant.

"Without boundaries in all areas of life, we do not protect the most vulnerable"

If the activity is undertaken in private by two or more consenting adults over the age of consent then it's nobody's business but theirs. If they choose to film it and put it on a porn site then again it's nobody's business. If an adult then chooses to view the porn in private, again it's nobody's business. It may not be to my or your tastes but it's not for us to say what is right or wrong in this situation.

Who will judge where the boundaries lie? Homosexual acts used to be illegal because society judged them to be wrong. Men were beaten and imprisoned simply for being themselves. We have no right to judge other people's sexual acts or proclivities as long as the people involved are willing participants and over the age of consent.

Indeed. The choicey choice viewpoint never takes this into account.

Judging isn’t always or only about ‘condemning’
It is more about how a society best thrives & cares for each other, also for the protection from the more powerful amongst us.
Without boundaries in all areas of life, we do not protect the most vulnerable.

I'm not going to condemn any sexual practice that all the participants are happy with provided they are over the age of consent. I wouldn't do that particular act myself but if others want to then who am I to judge.

vq are you really saying that you are okay with practices such as the 'rosebud', described by tickingbird, which are intended to harm a person?

Is that something you are happy to 'agree to disagree' about?

Yes well said Luckygirl. Thank you, straight to the point.

Spot on Luckygirl, . Thank you .

Indeed vq - as you say I have already pointed out that we make compromises and can only do our best to be decent in our dealings - it is very hard to try and find out the source of all we consume and whether its production involved exploitation.

I do however think that porn is different - you are directly watching that person being exploited for your own pleasure. That is in a league of its own.

Some of us here have professional backgrounds that mean we have knowledge of how the exploitation works and I have to tell you that it is present in some degree or another with the production of ALL porn - in different ways and in different degrees. I am passing that knowledge on to you as I am sure you would wish to know that and do the honourable thing.

These threads about porn come around every so often and the resulting discussions are always the same. Some people have no problem with porn, some people hate it on moral grounds and some people worry about the physical and psychological impact on actors and viewers. I think it has to be one of those subjects that we have to agree not to agree on otherwise we'll just go around in circles.

I have no way of knowing for definite just as you have no way of knowing that the shoes, clothes and other items you buy haven't been made in a slave sweatshop by children. Do you know if your coffee was grown fairly or if the gold you wear came from the slave mines of Peru, or if the chocolate you eat was grown using the slave labour of children, or if your Apple phone was made by Foxconn, or if the rubber used to make your car tyres came from slave plantations in Liberia, or the palm oil in your soap, shampoo, gravy granules and a host of other products was produced by slave labour in Malaysia. There are many other products from diamonds to shrimp that are also produced by means of slave labour.

Indeed so Iam64

But there are those who choose not to hear this because their pleasure comes first.

Yes Bridgeit (and Luckygirl) - my continuing concern is the notion of informed consent. The number of adults who insist their victim wanted to participate, eg the increased number of women killed or seriously injured in what is known as consensual rough sex.
Its also impossible to insist that women who 'make more money than men 'working in the sex industry, including pornographic films , are doing so because of free choice. So many of those women were introduced to sex as infants that their notion of consent and choice is damaged.

Way too much information, especially when some people, including young & sometimes very young humans have suffered terribly & been persuaded or forced to accept the sexual preference of another. No one should ever feel that they have to oblige or be persuaded to do Anything they do not want to. !

Nor vq have you answered the questions about how you establish that the "actors" in your porn material have not been exploited in any way.

I didn’t suggest you had. What a strange response.