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(158 Posts)
smedleyswife Sun 19-Apr-20 19:37:06

61 and have adjust found out my husband has started watching porn, he reckoned it’s been going on for 3 months and he found it by accident. However in his top 2 sites on both iPhone and iPad and now says it’s about a year. We’ve been married 21 years and I thought we had an average sex life, always in bed, usually the same way but reasonably satisfying I suppose. In the past he has laughed at my attempts to seduce him so I don’t, he indicates sex 99.9% of the time. I’m slightly overweight (BMI 26.5) and I’m ok looking, I look after myself and keep myself as nice as I can. I don’t know what to think,
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Nonogran Sun 19-Apr-20 20:01:31

Hello Smedleyswife, you are on the horns of a dilemma. I'm single now but within the last ten years discovered my (previous) partner at the time had become addicted to porn. It was an accidental discovery because he'd forgotten to log out of a vile site which I accessed when I asked to use his laptop. He would not give it up & call me old fashioned but I couldn't live with his addiction. It started to impact in our intimate life too as he started to ask for different things I found challenging or physically difficult & the secrecy really got me down. There was no compromise so I dumped him. I know that some women can overlook this penchant in their partner but I could not. I too look after myself, hair, clothes, figure, makeup etc but there's something in some men's brains that has a need for this stimulus. I get that but I don't want it on my watch! I've no regrets.

Galaxy Sun 19-Apr-20 20:15:16

I think you have to decide what your boundaries are and make a decision based on that. It sounds as if it makes you uncomfortable and you are absolutely entitled to feel like that. He is also lying to you flowers

ValerieF Tue 21-Apr-20 19:38:15

Maybe start watching it with him? What is upsetting you the most? He is watching it in secret? It is extreme? or you think all porn is despicable?

My curiosity would make me want to see what he is watching! Maybe you might get some ideas? Maybe you will be repelled enough to leave him but I think most men do get a kick out of soft porn and many women too!

Tangerine Tue 21-Apr-20 19:45:37

I think ValerieF has had a good idea.

May I ask something? In general terms, how does he treat you?

If he's generally good, I think that it's worth giving your relationship a chance but, if he's not especially nice anyway, the porn could be the last straw.

vampirequeen Tue 21-Apr-20 20:35:15

Valerie F is right. Try sharing it. You might find you enjoy it and get some ideas. There's always something new to learn. If you don't enjoy it then don't watch it but don't judge him for wanting to. It's only another form of entertainment.

FarNorth Tue 21-Apr-20 20:43:22

Much porn nowadays involves vile treatment of women.
If that is what he is enjoying, I'd dump him.

Sparklefizz Tue 21-Apr-20 20:44:23

vampirequeen It's only another form of entertainment.

I think that depends on how extreme/vile it might be.

Galaxy Tue 21-Apr-20 20:45:19

You are entitled to your boundaries. I loathe porn, those participating in it are frequently abused and exploited, and it is leading to some men having horrific expectations of women. The numbers of hospital admissions for anal injuries in young women is increasing as women are pressured to do what men see in porn. Excessive use of it also causes erectile dysfunction.

vampirequeen Tue 21-Apr-20 21:45:15

How does excessive use of porn cause erectile disfunction?

Galaxy Tue 21-Apr-20 21:55:56

They are not sure, the studies hypothesise that men with excessive porn use are unable to become aroused during sex because of expectations from porn use. Lots of concern around the increase in cases of erectile problems in young men.

vampirequeen Tue 21-Apr-20 22:07:47

I don't think the problem is porn per se. It's more that young, impressionable boys are seeing porn before they understand what love and relationships are all about. They mix porn up with reality. As with any form of entertainment porn has to go slightly or totally OTT. Downton Abbey wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable if the true drudgery of downstairs life was shown or the sense of entitlement of the rich was made clear. We want to see the fantasy side of Victorian and Edwardian England just as people who watch porn want to see fantasy. The problem is not porn but that, unlike when I was young, it is too easily accessible. A grown man who is in a mutually respectful relationship won't see porn in the same way as a teenage boy.

Luckygirl Tue 21-Apr-20 22:11:47

It is interesting that 2 of the posters who have this problem with their partners have felt the need to say that they try and look nice and look after themselves etc. This is just one of the things that is wrong about porn - it makes women feel that they are failing in some way or do not come up to scratch. That is very destructive indeed.

It also sets up expectations in men - particularly young men - that leads some girls into feeling they have to do things they do not want to do.

The secrecy element is also destructive to relationships.

Those who trendily say why not watch it with him are glossing over the exploitation of women involved in the porn film industry - that is a fact that cannot be overlooked. It is too glib to say that there are women who do this quite happily and merrily pocket the dosh. Firstly I find that in itself sad and demeaning of women; but the truth is that many women are forced into this in many ways - induced into drug addiction and forced to continue to do this to get their drug supply. It is a thoroughly nasty and corrupt "industry" and those who take pleasure in it (both men and women) are fostering women's misery.

To the OP I would say hold your head up high - do not be intimidated into thinking you are in some way lacking or narrow-minded or old-fashioned - partners who tell you this are simply gaslighting and are not worth your time.

I am sorry that your relationship has been undermined in this way - you must be feeling very sad.

Nonogran has the right idea.

Galaxy Tue 21-Apr-20 22:13:39

As far as I can remember the issue is with the 20 - 30 year age group.
Also the fantasy as someone mentioned frequently involves the degrading treatment of women. There isn't a great deal of choking women for enjoyment in downtown abbey.

vampirequeen Wed 22-Apr-20 08:05:24

I'm not being trendy. I enjoy watching porn.

Some of the best paid actresses are porn stars and it's one of the few, if not the only industry, where women regularly earn more money than men.

All industries have their bad side. How many women and children are abused in the domestic industry? How many find themselves working in fields and sweatshops?

Porn is fantasy. It's no more real than any Hollywood blockbuster. We can't all look like Angelina Jolie and most men can't look like Jason Statham. We all know that it's make believe. Porn is the same. You may not like the activity that is being portrayed but that doesn't mean that it doesn't take place within a normal loving relationship in real life. Everyone enjoys sex in a different way. Some like basic missionary position sex and others like to swing from the chandeliers.

It's not trendy to enjoy/accept different versions of the sex act. It's just human nature to enjoy things in different ways. We're not all the same.

FarNorth Wed 22-Apr-20 08:33:56

Okay, vq. Even if you are right that porn is harmless entertainment (which I don't think it is nowadays) smedleyswife does not have to pretend that she's okay with it, if she isn't.

If she regards her husband differently because of his porn use, that is entirely up to her.

vampirequeen Wed 22-Apr-20 08:38:49

I'm not suggesting that she pretends. I'm suggesting that she looks at it and if she likes it then great. If she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to watch it again. But at the end of the day, watching porn doesn't mean that her husband doesn't love/want her no more than watching horror movies or action movies does.

Alexa Wed 22-Apr-20 08:40:47

Porn informs about sex, including the anatomy and physiology of sex. However porn's lack and great disadvantage and potential for harm is it is unbalance about the psychology of sex. Porn is biased towards interpersonal control, even to the extent of rape of smaller persons and animals.

The harm porn does therefore outweighs its benefits. The harm porn does compares with the harm done to gullible people by stories that portray _ themes _that are not true.

Alexa Wed 22-Apr-20 08:41:12

themes

FarNorth Wed 22-Apr-20 08:44:08

In the past he has laughed at my attempts to seduce him so I don’t
He actually sounds quite unpleasant and not someone whose porn use is likely to improve their relationship. sad

Alexa Wed 22-Apr-20 08:46:26

Vampire Queen makes a good point. She is right but only when the porn user also knows what is and is not true to real life.

For instance if a child watched nothing but old Wild West film plays she would have a skewed notion of American history.
Role playing is good only when the players know they are role playing.

Grandad1943 Wed 22-Apr-20 08:50:09

I have to agree with vampirequeen that when it comes to wages and conditions the porn industry is the only business were women can leave men standing. 😂🤣

Alexa Wed 22-Apr-20 08:50:33

Luckygirl's post shows how porn is not true to real life. Few people are as sexually energetic or as beautiful as typical porn stars. I do hope schools are addressing the problems of porn influencing young minds with unbalanced ideas about sexual relationships.

Galaxy Wed 22-Apr-20 08:58:09

I think Maria Miller was launching a commission into the effects of porn on young people, because of the concerns being expressed and the issues being presented to the health service. Not sure where that got to. As long as some people earn money from it who cares about the damage it does.

Alexa Wed 22-Apr-20 08:58:28

Smedley's Wife, nobody can do sex like porn stars so please do not set yourself up for failure. Your curvy body is absolutely good enough.

If you or your husband have doubts about enjoying sex enough, ask a sex therapist rather than porn films. Have you asked your husband what he would like to do? If so is what he would like to do something you would like to do?