Divorcing my husband of 21 years

SuzyLee, from your description is seems that he might/ has mental health issues as already said. Paranoia of this kind can be dangerous. Has he seen his GP? He is clearly manipulating you and you must be aware of this type of behaviour. Are you keeping a diary of his behaviour? I do not see where you have said you are living apart, if not then you really should be. Divorce is the key, move out move on don’t fall prey to this gaslighting. I know it’s hard when you have feelings for him but you must be brave and live your life.

RUN!

You need to adjust to being out of your married relationship. Look to the future, without him. You will find your old self sooner than you think. You don't need a bad relationship and it is good to be alone after separating, it teaches us that we can be just fine on our own. Nurture your friendships, old and new and try new hobbies and activities. You will find a satisfying life lies ahead of you. Good luck and be happy.

Does your husband know what the counsellor told you? Has mental health ever been mentioned to him by anyone? What's he like at work? Are there no similar controlling issues with anyone else? If you are the only one experiencing this behaviour then wouldn't that highlight he is controlling and manipulating you. His parents seem the same from what you say, making him bend to their demands. Perhaps a personality disorder or a religious belief is inherent in the family. He either accepts you aren't happy about his behaviour and seeks help or more than likely it's time to move on, definitely.

Sounds like schizophrenia.

Suzy Lee you have nothing to feel guilty about at all, I really sounds like your husband has problems and if I was you I would stay away as your counsellor is right. Too many people come through A and E because of domestic abuse and many die. Take the warning signs and miss him but move away and live. Xxx good luck. Xx

All the responses on here so far have been more or less the same, and as soon as I read your post, my 1st thought was that he sounded quite unbalanced. He is now trying to manipulate you back to him with words of kindness. However if he was “normal” and I use the term loosely, he would never have wasted 21 years keeping you at arms length both mentally and physically. Of course your self confidence is low after living like this for so long, and of course you wish he could be different ..... but anyone who has behaved this way for so many years knowing how unhappy you were, does not even merit the slightest consideration..... the bottom line is it’s mental cruelty and you deserve so much more .... Go, for your own sanity and be happy.

FGS, get out of it! The man is unhinged. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

I recognise parts of your torment. I was in a 16 year relationship where for the last 6 years there was no physical contact or love or support or even cuddles or hand holding. I loved him dearly so I tried to speak to him about it, I tried to instigate contact, I tried everything. We lived like brother and sister for the last few years, he’d sleep downstairs, we were like ships passing in the night, we sat in different rooms watching our TVs. My heart broke as I pined for that contact. I eventually found him looking at porn and going on dating sites, porn I could deal with, dating sites no way. It killed me at first splitting up and he denied it and gave me the sob story about how much he loved me, I gave in and we tried again, only for it to last around 10/12 weeks before it crept back to exactly how it was before. He’s been gone 4 years now and I have never felt better, I’m calm settled, yes I miss him at times, but I sit and make myself replay certain days that stick in my head about the way he treated me then I emerge with a smile and a content heart. So I’d say take each day at a time you will miss your life with him as that’s all you know at the moment but trust me take small steps and things will get better. Come on here and chat if you need to, there are lots of us willing to support you.

Wrong on so many levels.
Run for the hills.....

Listen to the professional advice you have received and seek further professional help if you feel threatened or concerned.

If he does have a mental illness that has been suggested then he needs professional help so if he has not gained that other than the councellor then that should be looked at and he should be persuaded to go down that route, in a non threatening way.

It is understandable that you have an attachment to him and yearn for something that you have seen a flicker of. It is still possible to show support while he gets help.

This is a particularly difficult time for all at present where comfort from loved ones is needed. You need to be particularly strong at this time in order to see things more clearly, get the help needed and not let your emotions take over.

Keep strong and safe.

Suzylee I admire you for your tolerance as no way could I have accepted the 'conditions' you are / have been under for so long..
My advice unless you are prepared to continue living with this man is to see a solicitor, advise him /her of what your life is like and what's in it for you should you chose to opt out of what is not what I would call a marriage.
Love ?yes ,honour ?yes. obey ? never.

So sorry to hear this, I think he’s a controller, I would walk away and never come back, you are worth much much more you say you have been married 21 yrs, and it’s been a bumpy one, that says it all to me, I wish you lots of luck. Please don’t go back to him

I agree with other posters hes either mad or a manipulator. Best wishes you deserve better.

So glad to hear you are in the midst of a divorce. Under no circumstances should you ever consider returning to this abusive relationship.
He has stolen so much of your life. Don’t allow him to punish you further.

I’m sorry if some of these points have been covered already or if I am mistaken in some of my assumptions. What a difficult situation you find yourself in. It’s so hard to be objective when you are in the middle of it.
Mental health issues have frequently been mentioned. With so many people not recognising that they have a problem, it can be difficult to even broach the subject with them, let alone advise them to seek help. Have you thought about ringing MIND or a women’s centre for some confidential advice?
I got the impression that you were still living together - are you able to separate for a while to clarify your thoughts and feelings? The current pandemic will complicate things though, I appreciate that. You mentioned that a counsellor thought that there could be some danger. Perhaps you need to think about an escape plan in case things escalate. In these strange times there is all sorbs of help available to help people leave abusive/dangerous situations. Rail companies are even offering free tickets if you contact an agency. I can’t remember the details, but you could Google it. Have some cash put aside if possible, look up and store phone numbers for taxis if you don’t drive, pop a few things in a discreetly placed bag you could just grab.
It’s an old cliche, but sometimes life really is about looking after Number One. I do hope that you find a swift resolution to your situation.

He is a controller Susylee you are worth so much more than the life you have been leading with him he sounds a bully so walk away as quickly as you can.

You need to know that people with paranoia are dangerous because if they believe others are out to get them, they will often strike first in self defence. The fact that your husband has started being nice to you after all this time should ring huge alarm bells. It would suggest he may be planning something, and it won't be nice. Don't forget he has harboured all that resentment against you for all these years, and that would not suddenly disappear overnight. I would advise you not to be alone with him at any time. You will adjust to being alone, and he will hopefully get treatment.

I am glad you are divorcing him as he sounds quite unhinged.
Best of luck and prepare a bag with a few essentials in it in case you have to dash off to the police station at a moments notice. They will help you find a women's refuge.

Please, please read up about Coercive Control.
You will find out all that you need to know and then hopefully realize that you are lucky to be out of a toxic relationship.

If he is wanting a physical relationship (I am assuming sexual) and you don't that is rape. From other things you have siad it sounds like an abusive, controlling relationship. Only you can decide what to do but remember you are unlikely to be or feel safe with him

When you went to counselling, did your counsellor explore these three episodes that led him to withdraw himself from you? I would imagine he/she would have had something to say about such longstanding issues he's had. The episodes themselves are not the issue, it's how he has held onto them that is the issue. I think you know in your heart that you can't fix him, you just hark back to times that were good and that's why you're missing him. Has he ground down your self esteem to such a low that you would want to be with him despite what you know about him, how his behaviour over the years has reduced your marriage to a loveless one. I agree with others, that you are in a good position to keep going with your divorce. You are too nice, which is why you're doubting yourself. It happens to the best of us. Have a vision of the future as an independent happy person, I don't think you can be that person with him.

Take it from one who has been there and knows. You could end up being even more confused and upset if you gave in to the temptation to try again.

Take courage SuzyLee - divorce this man and build a new life for yourself. Gransnetters will be rooting for you!

This thread is full of very wise advice. Coercive control works at making you doubt the most fundamental beliefs you have about your worth, your behaviour, essentially everything that you are. It belittles your feelings, submerges normal reactions and puts you in the tiny dark corner where the manipulator wants you. That's their qualifier of success, screwing down and crushing you into a frightened remnant of your former self. The situation you have described is horrendous, but please accept the advice from the counsellor and the heartfelt posts before mine, there is a wealth of experience shining through. You deserve a better life, just reach out to grab it with both hands.
Get the feeling we'll all be cheering you on and still here for you. Take care and know that you're precious and important.