Daughter

Help your children out whatever age. That is our duty. Give. Why not? It is the right thing to do.
Who knows you might be a mug but be a mug with a clear conscience.
None of us want our children hoping we would pass on so that they would inherit our house and our money.
It is only money and how privileged we are to be able to help them out.

Great. Feel better after saying all that.

I supported my son for years because of his health. Our income has crashed because of covid. He asked me for three hundred dollars to.get a bigger green waste bin. I said I would when our finances picked up. He three a right tantrum to me and his father. We have stood our ground and he's stopped asking. I would suggest you just do.things like buy clothes for the grandchildren or school trips. She may not talk to you for a week but she will get over it.

Is your daughter in debt? If so, she needs to contact her creditors to discuss her situation. When I escaped from ex I took all the debts with me. Looking back it was a stupid thing to do but at the time I just wanted to run. Anyway I managed the debts until I became too ill to work but then I couldn't make the required payments (a lot of money....it was a huge debt). I contacted the creditors, sent them a statement of income and expenditure (I can send you a blank if you want one) and offered each one a token payment of £1 per month. To my amazement they all accepted. It's been my experience that as long as you're up front with them and keep them updated they're happy to work with you and aren't in the least bit threatening or nasty.

This from a Mum with 2 girls who manage their own finances, and a son who at 33 has never really been financially independent, and has a drink problem.

It's not that he never has his own money, but the minute he has it it's spent, and then he needs medication, food or hasn't quite enough for his rent.

We are not well off, I'm disabled, my husband gets his state pension but we manage. But like you, every week I'm subbing my son, he says it's a loan, but he has NEVER paid anything back. Gradually over the years everyone else has stopped the loans so it's just us now, and we have had to stop now as well. Food costs seem to have gone up so we really do have nothing else left.

Shockingly he hasn't been evicted, he hasn't wasted away, in fact he's cooking at home......pubs are shut, he's not even buying take a ways. It seems like what my daughter's and other family members are saying.....he will survive when he has to, but why bother when he doesn't have to?

I suspect your daughter is the same, at the moment she doesn't have to manage, so she doesn't. Tell her that prices are up for you too and you can't afford to help her. Tell her to contact Step Change, they will help her sort out any debts that she may have and to sort out a budget with her that she can actually afford.

If you can afford to put a little money to one side for the children specifically, maybe you could help with school uniform, trips or a winter coat? But make sure it's you who buys them not you giving money to your daughter. She may say she has to buy it through the school, but if you want you can contact the school and ask for access to their uniform order form, or to pay for a trip etc.

She will manage, maybe with difficulty to begin with but I promise you she won't end up on the streets. Just keep telling her you can't help, that she must contact stepchange, they will help her.

I'm sure it is tricky for you with the grandchildren involved. Perhaps you worry about her response because of them...? As this has gone on a long time, perhaps it needs to be stopped over a few months.... cutting the amount by a third each month so she has a bit of time to change her habits. Tough love!! It could be done with husband... and do her brothers know? It should not be all your problem. Maybe suggest she starts looking online for help with budgetting.

Your Universal Credit will include a child element if you are responsible for a child or qualifying young person who normally lives with you. You usually receive a child element of £235.83 per child per month.

If you’re eligible for Universal Credit you can get help to cover your rent and some service charges.

You get the payment and you have to pay it to your landlord

Universal Credit Standard Allowance Single claimant aged under 25: £342.72 per month. Single claimant aged 25 or over: £409.89 per month. Joint claimants both aged under 25: £488.59 per month. Joint claimants either aged 25 or over: £594.04 per month

This come off the gov website so as she has the children it would work out more then So she would get £594 a month plus £235 a month for each child and her rent and council tax payed.....she will also get back pay from when she applied
Hope this helps

@donna1964
Such sound advice.

I would take donna1964's advice and urge your daughter to attend a CAB interview.

Alongside the above I would warn her that you will be very gradually reducing payments over the coming weeks/months. This may get her to realise she needs to take advice to get back on her feet....as your funds will be running out.

Please keep us posted.

I'm inclined to agree that heping her to manage her finances would be better than just bailomg her out. Seeing someone independent - citizens advice, welfare rights centres may be able help - to see of she is claiming all the benefits she can, drawing up debt repayment plans with the lebders etc

I have the same problem with my 18 year old granddaughter. She is hopeless with money and spends her monthly money from DSS within a week. Her mum won't help her. I sold my house a year ago and live in private rented accommodation so I give her money (around £30 a week). I buy baby milk & nappies etc. I know I won't get it back but I'd rather them be happy now than when I'm gone.

It does seem that this ( & future) generations have a more relaxed attitude to money than my generation.
They seem to spend, & see if there is anything left.!
We see if we can afford to spend..!!

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Nothing further from the truth.
There are moochers and bad planners in every generation.

Sorry, Gingster, that you have this problem, I can't advise you, but do sympathise.

Our own AC are in 40's, both with large mortgages & outgoings, both having (expensive!) children. Although working, money is often tight.

It does seem that this ( & future) generations have a more relaxed attitude to money than my generation.
They seem to spend, & see if there is anything left.!
We see if we can afford to spend..!!

We have given to ours , over the years, but only what we can afford to do so, without leaving us short.
When 'loans' have been made, we count any re-payment as a bonus...!!!

It's hard, being a parent, however old those AC are.

You & Mr.G have to do what you feel is right, for you & your family.

I often wonder why the mothers of today seem to have to have the non working, non contributing partner installed in their house.
Are the family of the partner providing anything? Even if the DGC are not his he will be a cost to the household finances.
My family has had this sort of situation going on with a few of the younger generation. We developed a routine for dealing with these situations. The mother and children can come to their relatives and they will be fed but they will not even get the left overs to take home (we don't want to feed a non working layabout man). Anything such as clothes or shoes bought for the children have the labels removed so that they can not be returned to the shop for cash (or the child's name written on the label if not removeable). Money is never handed over. We have paid rent direct to the landlord or take electricity or gas cards to get money credited to them which we do for the sake of the mother and children.
We need to find out why these mothers seem to think that they have to have these hobosexual layabouts in their lives. What are they lacking that this is essential. Could they be lacking confidence or was the confidence removed from them by the partner constantly running them down? This is becoming endemic now.

I haven’t had a lot of choice really. My daughter is 44 and changed jobs just at the wrong time to be furloughed. She still has her job to go back to when the coffee shop opens again. She has an 11 year old daughter with no income from the absent father, she has a 21 year old son who works at MacDonalds on a zero hours contract, he is furloughed. For the past 4 months I have been paying her rent, council tax and food shopping. I pay the rent and council tax direct to the council. I give her £60 per week for food shopping. She has applied for universal credit when this first started but was told she would have to wait till 3June before getting anything. I believe it’s about £100 per week. Her rent is £106 per week, so not even covered. Her only income at the moment is child benefit of £13 something a week. This situation of no work is not her fault, she likes her new job and wants to get back to it ASAP. I do not expect to get any of this money back but it takes up all my pension. I am paying 2 lots of bills, mine and hers.It is not a loan but there is no way I would see the grandchildren on the street or in one of those dreadful hostels. I also help her with school shoes, uniform and school trips etc. We have done budget sheets in the past which she has stuck to but corona has completely messed up the finances. Let’s hope the catering business soon opens up again for all concerned, there must be a lot of people with very low income at the moment.

Tough love is what she needs, or she will never grow up. It’s very hard but she needs to take responsibility for herself...your responsibility was over when you raised her to adulthood. She is a grownup with kids of her own, not a little girl who needs her Mummy to hold her hand. There is a world of difference between bailing an adult offspring out once in a blue moon and being taken for granted regularly. Do not continue to enable her fecklessness

If she is not working and he works now and then
She is entitled to claim universal credit,they will have there rent and council tax paid.
The other thing it is payed all in one,so it’s there’s responsibilities to pay the rent and council tax from the money they receive.
Is she getting it and not telling you
Plus what makes me think she is, is if your helping her out with the rent where she getting money for food etc
Plus she will be getting family allowance for the children.

I do feel for you as you love your daughter and trying to help her, but and it’s a big but.... she has to learn to manage her finances, you can’t keep being the bank of mum n dad, it’s not fair on you, we all like to help our AC but there comes a time when enough is enough! I wouldn’t keep handing out money I’m afraid, she has a partner who you say works now and then, if you don’t mind me asking gingster, is this since the lockdown? Your daughter has 4 children by dif fathers are they paying maintenance? You sound a lovely mum, I would also want to help my AC as much as I could if they were in difficulty but I wouldn’t be doing it all the time, as she has to take responsibility for herself and her children, and I feel if she’s living with partner too he should be doing more

Would your daughter attend counselling. It sounds like a counsellor could break into the vicious circle and help her to see how to break out into a new way of living

Maintenance here seems to be almost optional for absent parents, sadly.

Why isn't she getting maintenance from the twins' father?

You say she's a good mom, her actions say otherwise.

I think if you can afford it, right this debt off. Then start afresh, but after sitting your daughter down and and telling her you can’t keep subsidising her. Unfortunately quite often situations like this end baldly. I really feel for you, being in the middle is horrible.

From a practical point of view. Can she claim any benefits i.e Universal credit, tax credits, child benefit, housing benefit and council tax support. Her water company may be able to help if she has a debt there and put her on a cheaper tariff. Is she getting child maintenance from the childrens fathers as H1954 has mentioned. If she has debts there are agencies or companies that can help - Stepchange, Citizens Advice and the Council sometimes work with agencies that can help. It may help her if she can write down what she has coming in and what goes out and try some good old fashioned budgeting. (My job before I was ill) From a Mums point of view it is so hard not to help but I do think the handing over of money should stop. You can help in other ways as others have said, buy food or things that the children need. Good luck and dont blame yourself for being you.

Hi Ginster

Did your daughter attend SEX education classes, or practiced too much??
Perhaps, the Pill, condoms or sterilization would be a good idea!

Why should we (the Peasants) have to pay for them???

I hate sounding too judgmental, and I genuinely feel sorry for you, but at the age of 41 your daughter should be standing on her own feet, and certainly not be producing children in such an irresponsible way and then expect you and the State, ie the rest of us through our taxes, to keep her. I think the time for some straight talking was after the first pregnancy but it is still not too late, and for your own health you should tell her firmly that there will be no more financial help, and stick to it. Its called tough love.

What a lot of good and diverse advice from other GNs. Despite my current woes, I’m blessed with 2DDs who are both money savvy . My FIL was a mean man who’s motto was ‘not a lender nor a borrower be’ and he refused any requests for help from anyone! Thankfully, when he died, he left enough for us to split between our DDs to get them on the property ladder - we didn’t need his money.
My own parents weren’t well off, but my Dad loaned me £450 in 1973 for a VW Beetle, known as The Flying Fart’. When DH sold his car (got a company one) I took my Dad his money with a box of Terry’s 1767 (remember them - yum) but on my way out of the house, he handed me back the cash, but kept the chocolates!
As an only child, I’ve always given my DDs unexpected gifts - sometimes paid for holidays, but never in advance and they never expect anything.
My motto is ‘don’t lend it, if you can’t afford to lose it’. As another GN says they’ll get it anyway and better while they’re young enough to enjoy it.

Give a man a fish or teach him how to fish? She needs help with how to manage on the income they have ...yes it might mean going without certain things but she has to learn to shop, cook and pay rent wisely, to prioritize and to budget.