Racist friends

My mother was Irish and when she and her husband tried to rent they came across signs saying "no Blacks or Irish". She was a nurse by the way and was determined to come top of her class to prove the stereotypes wrong. Being Catholic and marrying a Protestant, her family cut her off for 10 years until I was born and then they relented.

She was not a racist but sadly my father was… a lot of his expressions ie "jungle bunnies" were the norm in my family until my mother stood up to him and said he was a bad influence on the children! He loved "Till Death Us do Part" and never saw the irony of it.

He would never have spoken to me again if I had dated a black man.. And yet, in other ways he was very kind.

As an adult I called him out many times on this. My eyes were opened to different cultures when I taught music in the 80s and my pupils' parents were from all over the world.. I learnt a lot about culture and cooking!

One of my cousins is racist and I find it difficult to talk to him. So, sadly we speak less and less often as I stand up to him when he kicks off!

Reminds me of a song from my youth “ what we need is a great big melting pot”. I ended my last relationship, and one of the reasons was his racism, and he was an alleged professional man. He started making vile comments in front of my grandchildren, and I could not tolerate their little minds being filled with such hate. I personally judge people on how they are as people, not race, religion etc We do mostly accept our friends “warts and all” but if you speak to them and voice how you feel, only you can then decide if you can accept them in your life. Many years ago my son told me about a new friend at infants school. He couldn’t recall his name (it was very unusual) so he called him the “curly boy” .... his colour didn’t even enter the equation, only his curly hair did.

To those who instantly hoist up virtue flag, if you're not going to 'be friends' with anyone who doesn't share your identical views, you're pretty soon going to be friendless! How about a bit of active listening and tolerance? Are you SURE they are racist, or did you just stop listening/reading when you saw a 'trigger' word? How about some mature debate? If you keep the temperature down, you might be able to change their minds. This situation reminds me of the Paul Whitehouse sketch of the 2 gay Amsterdam cops: "Here in Amsterdam we are very tolerant. The only thing we cannot tolerate is intolerance, which is very severely punished!"

Just remember what I was told by a black friend long ago - it's not the colour, it's the state of mind!!

"Racist friends" is surely an oxymoron. I'd keep them out of my life.

It would depend what they said. If it’s something hateful then I don’t think I could stay friends, though I’d tell them why. If it’s purely ignorance or an ‘old fashioned’ attitude then I’d try to discuss it and perhaps change their minds.

Sorry, GagaJo. Racists aren't anyone's friends. They know your family? Cut them out of your life.

Quite a few of you seem to think that if a friend is racist, they’re not going to change so you should drop them. What about spending a little time educating them with your own views. Seeing things from a different perspective mightwork. I was brought up by VERY racist parents. My mum for instance was thinking of adopting then realised “but what if I get a black child, imagine it’s black head on my lovely white cotton sheets”. She decided not to adopt. So when I was about 16 I watched a programme that showed me that we’re all the same, we’re all human beings with red blood running through our veins etc. This was such an eye opener to me and actually changed my views overnight. I’m so proud that my own children accept everyone for who they are. People can change with a bit of education.

How dare they assume they know your position, if you had not spoken about it? They sent you rubbish because they thought you are "in their club" - well, you aren't, so you could either ignore them / answer them / not engage with them. All in all, it boils down to this: they expect you to gang up with them, against your family members, and that is not cricket. Your call.

I think the current politico-economic situation has caused a polarisation of views and massive dissatisfaction.
I have close long-standing friends whose hitherto unvoiced views on poverty, racism etc are really extreme and opposite to mine (ours!)
I find the thought meeting up with them again really difficult although we have no longer discussed these important matters since before lockdown. It means for me our friendship has become shallow and rather a sham. Whilst not arguing over their views - as someone else has pointed out they’ll never change - I am trying to cope with this disappointment by avoiding them totally.

My 50 year close friendship with a school friend has certainly changed after she told me she was very racist when encountering panic buying at the beginning of lockdown. It’s her birthday soon, and she won’t be getting the usual Special Friend birthday card unfortunately. Sad, and so upset me as she’s previously been generous in supporting our voluntary work with a refugee charity.

I hope that this is the beginning of a real and lasting challenges to our attitudes and the assumptions we make about our history and our ‘heroes‘. But I ‘m afraid that this may just be a passing moment of high drama and a nine days wonder, only scratching the surface of the structural inequalities that affect everything. Perhaps we should begin by questioning ourselves when we shop in Primark for cheap clothes made in conditions if almost slavery in Bangladesh, or buy salad picked in polytunnels in southern Spain by workers brought over from North Africa sweating in polytunnels for a pittance?

Why are black youngsters so much more likely to stopped and searched than same age white kids? Why is there such inequality of chances of employment, at every level for BAME people?

Why do 70% of black kids live in homes without a father? Some of the problems come from within their own community. Yes there’s racism but there are also community problems that need to be addressed. A black, former gang member now youth worker, spoke on Sky TV a few months ago about this problem. Many of these young gang members join these gangs for some kind of family. He spoke of how 12-13 yr old lads are out on the streets in the early hours of the morning. The problems aren’t all down to racism.

When we die no one knows what colour you were.People are more than just skin colour.You often find people who think white skin is superior are the ones with the lowest intelligence.And why when we go on holiday do people rush to tan their skin.

Are you friends actually racist, in which case how have you only just realised this, or are they anti all the BLM protests that have probably put our fight against Corona back several weeks or even months? What happened to George Floyd was truly appalling. But I find his virtual beatification worrying. He was no Martin Luther King. I would like to see posters saying " our lives matter too" outside every hospital. I worry that the protests will lead to a second peak and put the lives of the medical staff ( especially the many black ones because we know they are at more risk of catching it) in danger. If your friends are truly racist, I am surprised that they are friends at all.

I'm with everyone who says you should let them know their racist opinions are not only unacceptable but mean you no longer wish to maintain a friendship with them.
Political opinions can and do differ because not every party is always 100% right or wrong. Being racist is never, ever to be condoned or accepted.
Drop them!

It depends what you call racist. I have no time for BLM because I think, as an organisation, it is corrupt. I do not believe this orchestrated rioting is purely because of a black criminal dying at the hands of a corrupt white policeman 4000 miles away. The condemnation of that action was universal and rightly so and he's going to get what's coming to him. Many of my black friends agree with me. So I cannot agree that condemnation of the riots and the added danger they put us in automatically makes someone racist.

Tickingbird what a peculiar post. Why do you think the communities have these problems? Intergenerational ones? The legacy of racism!

There are possibly things you do / agree with that they abhor. Perhaps you agree to differ and agree not to discuss these matters at all

My mother and brother were racist. I could not drop them! My sister spoke up and tried to change their views. By doing that she educated me. We spoke up together and didn't make a bit of difference. I walked away and told them why if they made racist comments in public or private. The same with friends. One friend in particular, a kind and delightful person otherwise and mixed well with all people, BUT, she would come out with racist comments in private and public. I would tell her she was being racist and would get herself arrested one day, and to think before she spoke. The friendship survived, but I didn't manage to change her views. They were entrenched.

NoddingGanGan, Black Lives Matter is the new civil rights movement.

I doubt that 'Many' of your black friends agree with your perspective. The one person who disagreed was Candace Owens. And she is ONLY using it for personal gain. She is the black Katie Hopkins.

A minority of people have used the protests as an excuse for rioting and looting. A MINORITY. The same thing happened in the 1960s with Martin Luther King.

It is time for change.

Racism is much more than black versus white. I was very impressed by what Priti Patel said to MP Florence Eshalomi a few days ago when she accused Priti Patel of not understanding racism. I would have liked Miss Patel to remind Florence Eshalomi of why her family , and many other Indian families had to leave their long established homes and businesses in Uganda. All racism is wrong, not just one aspect .

Many years ago as a young girl in the wilds of Wales I asked my Dad what he would think if I had a black boyfriend (I hadn't actually seen anyone with coloured skin until I was 9, thought it looked beautiful ) his answer was that if I loved him and he was a nice person then that's absolutely no problem. This was the 60's in the back of beyond but my Dad was totally non-judgemental, and once I moved to Whitechapel in the East End of London I was so pleased he had passed that mindset on.

I agree with MisAdventure. Say you don’t agree and then don’t discuss it any further if you want to stay friends. If you don’t want to stay friends, discuss it.

We have good friends that are completely opposite to us in political views and we try to go with the fact that we are all entitled to our opinions and leave it at that.

Racism is however not acceptable to most of us and may make us want to question whether we want to keep them as friends

I'd bin them, but that's just me. I ended a 15-year relationship for the same reason, once true colours were shown.