Tips for dating, what red flags to look for?

oh just remembered some others f) if they are evasive about you meeting their family and friends = married g) if they are evasive about giving you his address/work details, only ever wants to come to your house, evades personal questions generally, just grills you for info = married

tricky as some red flags start out very tiny and only begin to unfurl as you get attached to them. Lots of wise words, one that hasn't been mentioned is if he goes too fast, acts romantically very soon, says how perfect you are, contacts you very often, wants to be with you all the time, has exactly the same interests as you, goes on a real charm offensive and gets you hooked, and then he can drop the charm bit. a man like this can sniff out a needy woman. You sometimes see stories about older British women who go out to a poor but warm and sunny country on holiday and meet the love of their life, a young charming man who falls madly in love with them, and when he has basically got what he wants, money, whatever, will disappear from the scene. Not saying it might always be the case, but that is one end of a spectrum, where it is obvious to everyone but the poor fleeced woman, not all are so obvious
Decide what your deal breakers are. Does he resent you seeing your family, that would be a deal-breaker for me for example, is he stingy, penny-pinching beyond reason, or is he so generous that unless he's a millionaire there will be a problem with this down the line, your money/house will be at risk, what would you have to give up if you started a relationship and what do you not want to give up, hobbies, friends, family, does he think you ought to sell your car as you don't need 2, then you are reliant on him for example? Does he basically just want someone who will look after him, so basically wants a housekeeper or will he be an equal partner. Someone said an equal financial footing, as you get older this is even more important I think. Is he over-reliant on alcohol, what are his previous relationships like, does he diss all his previous partners or bosses - chances are while some might have been unreasonable, they were not all totally unreasonable or crazy. And how does he treat other people, those in service roles for example. Is he a racist, are you politically compatible, doesn't mean you have to agree necessarily but if you are living together you don't want it grating on you every day.

I was in a 20 yr relationship, then single for 10 yrs during which time I mainly used internet dating sites. What I found out was that 99% of them are married looking for a leg over (even when they say they are not & looking for relationship not casual fun). So my red lights were a) if they turned up late to dates, told me they did not value my time b) if they never offered to buy me a drink, conveniently forgot to bring their wallet!?! selfish with money, selfish with everything! c) if you can never get hold of them - married d) not working still living at home with mummy - looking at you as surrogate mum and will expect you to do everything for them, house them, feed them, support them e) if they have been single for ages, there is a reason, but you just not found it yet - usually their home a mess, they are a hoarder, obsessed with a hobby which takes over their life. I gave up in the end after endless heartbreaks , guys will say anything just to win you over, get in your knickers, or under your roof but their true colours shine through eventually, just tread carefully and do not believe a word they say!

Wish i had some of this excellent advise years ago.

Some danger signals in my opinion are the following:

The man doesn't want to mention past relationships (he is hiding something)

Is chary of giving details of his place of work or other personal information that comes up in conversation.

He wants to borrow money, or get you involved in a money making scheme.

Other things that should give you pause are if he is always boasting about his accomplishments, flies of the handle about small things, or always wants to be right.

I would try to go out for a meal with this chap and observe how he treats the waiting staff. If he is rude to them that's a red flag. Plus how does he treat people or animals who are of no 'use' to him?

Does he have a generous spirit? If, for instance you won £25 on the lottery would he smile and say, "Well done," or does he moan, "I never win," begrudgingly.

After the basics - he's considerate etc etc - then if you decide to take things further I would suggest that you don't get involved with a man who is not on the same financial footing as yourself. I'm sorry if people think I am hard, but after two divorces and the last one leaving me in a bad financial position I think with my head rather than my heart now. I have remarried (third husband) and we have been married now for 14 years.

It probably doesn’t apply in your case, but seeing how he treats his mother is a good pointer to how he will treat you.

Apart from that, and not having dated anyone since 1963, I can only say to trust your instincts. I didn’t and had a not-very-happy marriage for many years.

When you are are in a position of conflict, do you work as a team to resolve the problem or is it a point scoring exercise? Everybody disagrees at some point and the way they handle conflict is very telling.

Good advice here for all single women looking for companionship. Thank you all for your sensible helpful posts.

Question from my mum, when I was thinking of marrying a chap: "Is he a kind man?"
That was her only comment ... and it turned out, he wasn't!

Loads of great advise already given. My only advise after just ending a 16 year relationship with a controlling narcissist, who however,was very loving so it was hard to see in the beginning of the relationship. Please don’t let your heart run away with you and the idea of how a future will be, this is what happened to me and because my heart ruled my head and like you I was smiling and waiting for the phone to ring I missed the red flags or choose to ignore them because he made me smile. Women’s instinct is usually right so don’t ignore it. Have good time and I hope it works out for you.

I find that most relationships are entered into blindly, we seem to be looking for that someone to fill a void and make us feel happy.
I had to learn the hard way, in a manipulative relationship for 18 years, but the worst thing was, I didn't realize. I now work on myself to know myself fully and feel happy with out the validation of another.
Narcism is everywhere, and these people appear charming, but they are detrimental to our health, so always be aware, see a red flag, Run.

Lots of good info already given that I would endorse. I am happily repartnered after a number of years on my own but have been down this track. Many older men are looking for 'the nurse or the purse' to see them through so be wary of those. Think about what you would like in relationship, what qualities you would be looking for. You probably won't get the whole list but it's helpful to have thought about what is important for you in a relationship.

Agree about not discussing your personal finances and if the relationship reaches the point where you are considering living together make sure you get good legal advice BEFORE doing this. As others have said trust your gut instinct and if something doesn't seem right or his stories or history don't add up it's probably because they really don't add up. At our age we don't have to accept what we don't want just because it may suit someone else. If you ever feel bullied or pressured into doing anything run a mile. Can only wish you the best of luck. ?

One test for me was if they were late turning up. If I was annoyed, then that was probably the end of it, if I was worried something had happened to him, and he had a genuine reason when he arrived, then it was worth continuing to see him!

One thing my late Dad told me was if they are keen they will do everything to see you and not let you do all the chasing, I recall a boyfriend who was keen on me when I was twenty, his van broke down and he biked ten miles to see me along a busy road, so I think he was right. X

I would never discuss my finances. In the past I have told 'boyfriends' that I rent my house, or that it belongs to my ex husband not that I'm cynical but I am very wary of the phrase "this is a nice big house, do you own it?" I would also trust my gut instincts. In the past I have tried to make a Mr. Right out of a Mr. Wrong. Yes take things slowly and just be aware. Good luck to you and I do hope your happiness and smiles last a very long time.

I'm on my own now after two difficult relationships.

I found dating after living with a long term partner a nightmare. And I think I went a bit mad too! I did things I wouldn't normally do - it was as if I didn't know the rules any more!

One thing I would advise is that if there is something which your instinct tells you is wrong, then don't ignore it. There were so many things about my first ex which my instinct told me were wrong, but I chose to ignore them - big mistake.

Also don't allow anyone to treat you badly, to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. That is now my one big rule. No one but no one is allowed to speak me disrespectfully - I put up with too much for too long! Plus, my Dad isn't always very respectful to my Mum and I hate it! I know it seems like a given that someone who is supposed to care about you should treat you well, but it's amazing how much people put up with because "they're in love".

But if your instinct and common sense tell you that this man is a good 'un, then go with it. They're not all monsters, there are some good guys out there and go with it! Enjoy your new relationship and have fun!xxx

I have been alone for so long I have become really independent. I love Dee1012's advice from her father. In fact I have photographed it so I can keep it on my phone. I might have the photo printed to put up on the wall...smiles.

In this day and age where most things seem to happen too fast, I can see no reason why relationships can't be taken step by step rather than, what seems to be the expectation of sex after the first date!
I would suggest that you get to know anyone as a friend first - I have found that several "hidden" things, such as attitude to past relationships are on display a lot easier when the other person doesn't feel under pressure to impress! Being friends also means you can find out a lot of things such as sense of humour, tastes in food, clothing, music etc and more importantly you actually like them !

....and take it slowly and never reject your gut feeling two big mistakes I ve made in life and the reason I m on my own
The slowly bit, it’s amazing how people can act in the first months or even longer we all are on our best behaviour in the first throws ......then the gut feeling bit, never, never accept how they act as just a one off or a mistake, I did that too I blamed myself for upsetting him it started a pattern
Anyway lucky you if you ve found ‘him‘ after three relationships I gave up a long time ago and would never, never put myself in the position again even if I miss Mr Right I ll never know

Good luck indeed

Yes take it slowly. As the others have said if he is kind and considerate makes you smile and you look forward to seeing him see how it develops. You’ll soon find out if he’s the man for you! I moved in with my now husband after 8 years on my own and in that time I became very independent. Suddenly you have someone else to think about, who does things differently etc. I know you’re a long way from that situation but you do have to be tolerant and work at it. We have been married for 16 years now and very happy - even if like most men he irritates me at times!! Good luck!

One tip only - don’t assume that any man you meet might be ‘the one’. As soon as you start to see someone as a potential life partner, you see them selectively. You don’t notice, or don’t take account of, things that might be warning signs, and your mind overplays the nicer parts of the relationship.

Look for him asking about YOU rather than just talking about himself. And yes, note whether he talks of his ex partner(s) with respect rather than being vicious about them. (Unless of course there was a really valid reason for viciousness!) Take things slowly but don't deny yourself a chance of happiness.

Does he have friends? I would be very wary of a relationship with a man who had no personal friends.