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Tips for dating, what red flags to look for?

(61 Posts)
ineedamum Tue 16-Jun-20 09:41:36

I have met a nice man 4 times now, (just walking and sunbathing) but due to my past am scared of repeating the same mistakes. After a year of dating we split, as I attract men who don't want next stage of commitment or are selfish.

My mother was in a controlling abusive relationship with my father and I fear I have gone the other way, just avoided them and have been told I'm too indepenedent.

I have been single for many years now, so perhaps I've developed since I last dated.

It is early stages and we will meet again. But what tips do you have to make sure it is slow and steady and what signs do I look for? How do I know if it is genuine or I'm just settling after being single for so long?

I definitely feel happier and am smiling, is that OK after short period of time?

Dee1012 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:09:53

A couple of things my Dad told me;
No matter how busy a man is, if he really wants to see you, he will make time for you. No excuses, lies, or broken promises.
He won’t push for sex early on.
He will remember your interests and act on them.
Mutual appreciation is an important ingredient in the glue that holds a relationship together. It’s not only about the big things, either. A man who would make a good long term partner should show appreciation for even the small things you do.

Take your time too...see him a couple of times a week and let things develop slowly, look at his relationships with family / friends etc.
I'm always keen to know about relationship history too - I think that's really telling. I dated someone once who when talking about ex girlfriends, always put the "blame" on them!

Most importantly, relax and enjoy yourself, we all deserve to smile a little.
Best of luck.

ineedamum Tue 16-Jun-20 10:49:58

Thank you, you have given me a few good tips. I will definitely listen about exes, we haven't really touched on this yet.

Teetime Tue 16-Jun-20 10:54:32

Dee1012 has some excellent advice. I would also beware of someone who talks about themselves a lot!

ineedamum Tue 16-Jun-20 11:06:52

Thanks.

sodapop Tue 16-Jun-20 13:06:21

I lived alone for ten years before I remarried ineedamum and I did change during that time. I was more independent and knew I didn't necessarily need a partner to be happy.
I think a sense of humour is vital, kindness and tolerance. In my case the fact that he was a chef swung things, I hate cooking.
Take your time and relax with your new friend. Move forward with him and don't stress about the past. Good luck.

ineedamum Wed 17-Jun-20 05:52:58

Thanks sodapop.

mumofmadboys Wed 17-Jun-20 07:06:05

Just see how things go. Dont anticipate the future. Keep seeing your other friends and keep up with your interests. Good luck and enjoy the new relationship.

Urmstongran Wed 17-Jun-20 07:59:54

Don’t think you can ‘change him’ if you come to discover things you’re wary about. What you see IS what you get. Leopards and spots. Only you can decide what is acceptable in a partner.

Liz46 Wed 17-Jun-20 08:16:40

Is he kind and does he make you laugh?

ineedamum Wed 17-Jun-20 09:33:38

Lots of excellent advice again, thank you.

Havemercy Wed 17-Jun-20 09:48:30

Does he have friends? I would be very wary of a relationship with a man who had no personal friends.

Moggycuddler Wed 17-Jun-20 09:50:10

Look for him asking about YOU rather than just talking about himself. And yes, note whether he talks of his ex partner(s) with respect rather than being vicious about them. (Unless of course there was a really valid reason for viciousness!) Take things slowly but don't deny yourself a chance of happiness.

geekesse Wed 17-Jun-20 09:51:44

One tip only - don’t assume that any man you meet might be ‘the one’. As soon as you start to see someone as a potential life partner, you see them selectively. You don’t notice, or don’t take account of, things that might be warning signs, and your mind overplays the nicer parts of the relationship.

Jan16 Wed 17-Jun-20 10:03:24

Yes take it slowly. As the others have said if he is kind and considerate makes you smile and you look forward to seeing him see how it develops. You’ll soon find out if he’s the man for you! I moved in with my now husband after 8 years on my own and in that time I became very independent. Suddenly you have someone else to think about, who does things differently etc. I know you’re a long way from that situation but you do have to be tolerant and work at it. We have been married for 16 years now and very happy - even if like most men he irritates me at times!! Good luck!

BlueBelle Wed 17-Jun-20 10:05:31

....and take it slowly and never reject your gut feeling two big mistakes I ve made in life and the reason I m on my own
The slowly bit, it’s amazing how people can act in the first months or even longer we all are on our best behaviour in the first throws ......then the gut feeling bit, never, never accept how they act as just a one off or a mistake, I did that too I blamed myself for upsetting him it started a pattern
Anyway lucky you if you ve found ‘him‘ after three relationships I gave up a long time ago and would never, never put myself in the position again even if I miss Mr Right I ll never know

Good luck indeed

jaylucy Wed 17-Jun-20 10:08:06

In this day and age where most things seem to happen too fast, I can see no reason why relationships can't be taken step by step rather than, what seems to be the expectation of sex after the first date!
I would suggest that you get to know anyone as a friend first - I have found that several "hidden" things, such as attitude to past relationships are on display a lot easier when the other person doesn't feel under pressure to impress! Being friends also means you can find out a lot of things such as sense of humour, tastes in food, clothing, music etc and more importantly you actually like them !

Theoddbird Wed 17-Jun-20 10:13:15

I have been alone for so long I have become really independent. I love Dee1012's advice from her father. In fact I have photographed it so I can keep it on my phone. I might have the photo printed to put up on the wall...smiles.

MaryFinn Wed 17-Jun-20 10:13:18

I'm on my own now after two difficult relationships.

I found dating after living with a long term partner a nightmare. And I think I went a bit mad too! I did things I wouldn't normally do - it was as if I didn't know the rules any more!

One thing I would advise is that if there is something which your instinct tells you is wrong, then don't ignore it. There were so many things about my first ex which my instinct told me were wrong, but I chose to ignore them - big mistake.

Also don't allow anyone to treat you badly, to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. That is now my one big rule. No one but no one is allowed to speak me disrespectfully - I put up with too much for too long! Plus, my Dad isn't always very respectful to my Mum and I hate it! I know it seems like a given that someone who is supposed to care about you should treat you well, but it's amazing how much people put up with because "they're in love".

But if your instinct and common sense tell you that this man is a good 'un, then go with it. They're not all monsters, there are some good guys out there and go with it! Enjoy your new relationship and have fun!xxx

Flakesdayout Wed 17-Jun-20 10:17:05

I would never discuss my finances. In the past I have told 'boyfriends' that I rent my house, or that it belongs to my ex husband not that I'm cynical but I am very wary of the phrase "this is a nice big house, do you own it?" I would also trust my gut instincts. In the past I have tried to make a Mr. Right out of a Mr. Wrong. Yes take things slowly and just be aware. Good luck to you and I do hope your happiness and smiles last a very long time.

Guineagirl Wed 17-Jun-20 10:30:54

One thing my late Dad told me was if they are keen they will do everything to see you and not let you do all the chasing, I recall a boyfriend who was keen on me when I was twenty, his van broke down and he biked ten miles to see me along a busy road, so I think he was right. X

B9exchange Wed 17-Jun-20 10:45:45

One test for me was if they were late turning up. If I was annoyed, then that was probably the end of it, if I was worried something had happened to him, and he had a genuine reason when he arrived, then it was worth continuing to see him!

Apricity Wed 17-Jun-20 10:46:39

Lots of good info already given that I would endorse. I am happily repartnered after a number of years on my own but have been down this track. Many older men are looking for 'the nurse or the purse' to see them through so be wary of those. Think about what you would like in relationship, what qualities you would be looking for. You probably won't get the whole list but it's helpful to have thought about what is important for you in a relationship.

Agree about not discussing your personal finances and if the relationship reaches the point where you are considering living together make sure you get good legal advice BEFORE doing this. As others have said trust your gut instinct and if something doesn't seem right or his stories or history don't add up it's probably because they really don't add up. At our age we don't have to accept what we don't want just because it may suit someone else. If you ever feel bullied or pressured into doing anything run a mile. Can only wish you the best of luck. 🍀

Telaine13 Wed 17-Jun-20 10:49:35

I find that most relationships are entered into blindly, we seem to be looking for that someone to fill a void and make us feel happy.
I had to learn the hard way, in a manipulative relationship for 18 years, but the worst thing was, I didn't realize. I now work on myself to know myself fully and feel happy with out the validation of another.
Narcism is everywhere, and these people appear charming, but they are detrimental to our health, so always be aware, see a red flag, Run.

Juicylucy Wed 17-Jun-20 10:54:26

Loads of great advise already given. My only advise after just ending a 16 year relationship with a controlling narcissist, who however,was very loving so it was hard to see in the beginning of the relationship. Please don’t let your heart run away with you and the idea of how a future will be, this is what happened to me and because my heart ruled my head and like you I was smiling and waiting for the phone to ring I missed the red flags or choose to ignore them because he made me smile. Women’s instinct is usually right so don’t ignore it. Have good time and I hope it works out for you.