Tips for dating, what red flags to look for?

Thanks. I think I've probably pushed him away then. I think I was starting to get feelings for him, so maybe it is for the best. It's so rare to meet someone with similar interests and personality, but I don't want to be the rebound.

Dear ineedamum, please read the other posts since you updated your post. They are wise and considered. Not only are there red flags regarding the current 'new man' but also a lot of your own red flags. You are expecting far too much far too soon. You are quite clear that you are looking for a long term committed relationship. This is fine but it doesn't happen overnight. I am happily repartnered but it took 12 years to find my lovely man.

First lesson is to learn to live happily and independently on your own. Then think about what you might want in a new partner and what are your personal deal breakers. These are very personal and we all have different ones. What are yours?

Good luck and slow down. ?

Unless you are going to have children I would not be considering marriage to anyone far less telling a man you hardly know that you are looking for such a commitment.
I don’t think you will hear from him again.

I m sorry but I see red flags in a man that has only been separated a year after 20 + years marriage it is very, very early days for him
I also think telling him you are dating with a view to a marriage before the blokes even divorced is a big old mistakes, you do wear your heart on your sdleeve don’t you ?

He has messaged since saying we'll chat again *in few weeks and he messaged to say enjoy a party I was going to, so he remembered*
To an outsider that looks like a cooling off reply and don’t hang on to the fact he mentioned your party he may be a genuine thoughtful person
I hope this goes well for you but.......

Don't take this amiss, but I'm wondering why you need this to progress quite so quickly into the life changing heavy stuff.

I was going to post just take your time, enjoy what it is, but I can see you're wanting more than that.

Personally I wouldn't start to make a life with anyone until I'd known them for a couple of years. That's when the veneer starts to get a bit chipped and scratched!

Thank you for your comments which I have read several times. We have met 7 times now and I have found the red flag.

He is separated and the divorce isn't finalised. I have spoken to him and said I'm dating with view of marriage /living together. I don't want to be rebound woman etc.

He hasnt really mentioned her, seems like they grew apart. But, they were married 20 plus years and seperated just over a year.

He has messaged since saying we'll chat again in few weeks and he messaged to say enjoy a party I was going to, so he remembered.

He said he wouldn't involve me with the divorce, he isn't contesting anything, they're both financially OK, kids are adults it is just house to sort out. He recognised it will be stressful but he wouldn't involve me in it.

I'll be gutted if I don't see him again, I do think I've started to see develop feelings. But I don't want to be rebound, or the transition woman until he settles again. I'm pleased I spoke up and was honest.

He says we'll chat again in a few weeks, he is genuine bloke so he will. I need to see what he says, but my fear is that he thinks he's ready, we take it slow, and then he gets scared and he needs space. This has happened to me before which he now knows.

We haven't slept together, I'm not ready which he respects but we have had fabulous kisses.

Has he introduced you to his family and friends. Is he kind. Does he put you first. Does he take secretive phone calls. Is he open and honest. Is he full of excuses. Has he asked to borrow money or talked about plans that need 'investment'. Whatever you do, however you proceed dont let your friends go, you may need them. If he wants you to give up your friends then the red flags are out. You are never too old to find love and when you find 'the one' dont let selfish people spoil it for you. After my divorce my parents wanted me to be their private carer, dogsbody, whipping boy and its tough to stand against that. I found my lovely man after a lot of heartache but between my mother and his mother its a wonder we made it through.

In later years surely you are looking for a companion first, to share life with, so he needs to be polite, respectful, honest and enjoy the things you do. So dont choose a man that likes Football, Golf and motor racing if you don’t like them, one or two interests that don’t match is OK.
A man that complains about everything, particularly his ex is very wearing, so one that speaks kindly, even if he does not agree with any issue. A man that is solvent you don’t want to be financing his lifestyle and DO NOT MARRY him.

Thank you all again for taking the time to post. There is lots of wonderful advice on here, a poster has summed it up better than me.

I'm naturally emotional, and always put 100 per cent into everything, all or nothing really. So these tips are great, to not get carried away with the future, but to enjoy it.

Make sure he doesn't have double standards. I met a man once who was very angry with the fact that I edited my photos in Photodiva to make myself a little bit prettier, because he was sure that it's a scam and a lie. Still, he had nothing against porn stars with their plastic surgeries and made up bodies. Disgusting!

Have you seen the film The Good Liar, starring Helen Mirren and Ian McKellen? Mind you, it might put you off dating anyone!

It might seem old fashioned, but I think good manners are very important. My late husband was a gentleman and if a man doesn’t do those little things, it upsets me! I know they can say women now want to be treated equally and we are all feminists, but who doesn’t want to feel cherished?
I could not tolerate meanness in a man, money is not the most important thing, but a spirit of generosity is,
Also, look out for little things which irritate you, like table manners. These things might start off as trifles, but end up infuriating you.
Having said that, no one is perfect, including you.

NEVER MARRY THEM!!
I recently came out of a 20 year relationship ( my choice) and have never been happier or calmer. We still see one another but on my terms. Fortunately I have my own house and pensions.
I couldn’t have gone through a second divorce, they’re far too expensive and depressing!

Lots of advice and comments on here ineedamum but don't forget to enjoy yourself and have some fun. He may not be your next partner but you can be friends and enjoy companionship.

That post is by a woman who left an emotionally abusive marriage and now works supporting other abused women.

Here are some red flags that can warn of an abuser. It’s worth knowing someone for at least a year before you commit, and going on holiday with them if possible, as to start with abusers will generally look very good.

www.facebook.com/1662776777354084/posts/2375760486055706/?d=n

I have 3 golden rules of dating:
Do not date anyone with longer hair than me.
Do not date anyone with bigger boobs than me and...
Do NOT date anyone young enough to be my son!
Recently, I discovered a really good analogy - if I wouldn't introduce him to my best friend in Spain, he's history!

Sorry, forgot to add Sober to the list of S factors in my previous post! That's an important one in my book.

I have been on my own for 4 years now and have ventured into online dating cautiously and with a degree of anxiety about this but have now dippedy toe in the water and it's not do bad if you can handle the expected norms of behaviour. It is definitely not the same as when dating when young.
I like Apricity' comment about avoiding seekers of the nurse or the purse! The S rules also are a good starting point. Sense of humour,
Shared Interests, Sexual compatibility, Solvent, Sane, Schooling & Social Standing, and also possibly the Speed of the relationship. Go at your own speed and don't be pressurised or pressurise your date. Show your natural personality.

While many of us have the fall out of past relationships to deal with, it's best to avoid heavy baggage carriers and being a baggage handler. If after a while you think you will be uncomfortable introducing Mr X to your friends and family, heed the warning inside your head.

Dating should be fun but I think it is important to establish discreetly what both sides may be seeking in the longer term, particularly once you reach a certain age, you don't want to either be or be subject to time wasters. If you get to the stage when you are not enjoying looking forward to seeing someone, then it is probably time to call time and move on. If on the other hand the relationship progresses further, take legal & financial advice before getting to a point of no return, especially if assets are at stake, and where these are unequal.

Good luck, proceed with a good balance of caution and excitement in your new found friend!

Wow, thanks again for all your tips. Its good that some he definitely isn't and some I have no idea.

I like the "looking for a port in the storm" idea, I have been that in the past and am scared that will happen again, although it is far too early to know that yet.

Just posting on here is helping me to be more grounded. We have only met 4 times after all!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

What a great question and what wise and wonderful advice. GN at its best, imo. and all round!

Be wary of men who have divorced in later life and are looking for a port in the storm.

Also if they are glued to their phones when you are with them,

Take it slowly, be yourself, and trust your gut instinct, you can tell a lot about a person by how they interact with your family and friends, their family, and obviously how they treat you as a person, if they are always talking about themselves run for the hills lol