Could my husband have aspergers?

BlueBelle

I think we re all on the spectrum A diagnosis would not really help him because if he could behave differently I m sure he would have done
I can’t see any value in telling him of your concerns instead use the knowledge you have (hopefully) gained by reading up, by pinpointing things in your brain and change the way YOU behave to his quirks He won’t have the ability to change he is what he is, you can’t cure Asperger but you can learn to understand it and stop banging your head against a brick wall trying to change him
Having a name for his lack of being how you are expecting him to be isn’t going to alter it, it may make it worse as he may feel attacked for something that seems quite normal for him

Read up as much as you can and hopefully you love him enough to alter how you react to him
Good luck

Speaking as someone who suspects Asperger in themselves I think it’s ridiculous to say we’re all on the spectrum. I have one child with a definite diagnosis and the two of us are unlike anyone else in the family. Social interaction is very difficult for us. We suffer extreme anxiety over the smallest things. We are both intelligent underachievers. Every day has to be the same. For example today we are having laminate installed in the living room and we’re very anxious, on edge. It’s every day things, too, for example using the phone. Neither of us can do it very easily. I get hot and bothered when talking on the phone. I get emotional after social interaction, especially with people I don’t know. We’re both obsessional about whatever we do.

I live with my Asperger's son, and after 36 years accept his quirks. All his friends are autistic so I don`t find it weird. I realize now that I too am the same but didn`t realize it as my late husband was a busy, busy person with lots of energy and I just followed in what ever he wanted to do, but he found our son difficult to understand and left him to me. Don`t try jokes they always fall flat unless you say "joke!" at the same time. We are all different and I don`t suffer loneliness and neither does he!

kangaroo73, if your grandson is having difficulty getting work, as well as help with the condition, he could get support from organisations that recognise it as a disability. Employers who have more than a certain number of people on their payroll should include a percentage of those with recognised disabilities - of whatever kind - otherwise they are not complying with equal opportunities legislation. Is there a disability advice line in your area?

Nowadays there is no such thing as "Aspergers" per se. You are either ASD or you aren't. There is no high functioning, low functioning just ASD. Saying we are all on the spectrum somewhere is considered to be offensive because, whilst you may have some traits that go hand in hand with autism, your brain is neuro-typical. You would no more say that we are all bi-polar to a certain extent than you would say that we are all blind or deaf to a certain extent.
Nobody knows for sure what causes ASD, it appears that some people have a certain gene which is co-morbid with some people with ASD. Some people with ASD had difficult births, some didn't. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (Hypermobile Type), aka HEDS, is something that often goes hand in hand with ASD as is chronic and severe constipation. There is no gene identified with HEDS either so if that ever gets identified, there might be a double break through! Until the scientists work out the cause, we are just stabbing in the dark.
All my children have been diagnosed with HEDS and I am convinced that my daughter is ASD. Several of our family have been diagnosed and I have urged her to take the quiz mentioned above. She says she has and she isn't but when I asked her some of the questions in the quiz, her answers really were very different from what I have seen of her behaviours. She suffers from severe anxiety, stims, is extremely black and white, a complete control freak and, quite frankly, has meltdowns which are legendary. I have learned to interact with her as if she is ASD and that has made a very difficult relationship much easier.

For me, I just feel exhausted dealing with the isolation and loneliness being in a marriage with an autistic/asperger's partner.
There is little sense of 'togetherness'.
The unbreakable habits are only exposed at home, and include many things. Such as hoarding and untidy ness in the extreme.
I.no longer have the physical ability to combat this trait.
I actually feel burdened and controlled by this behaviour, whether he can control it or not.
At the end of the day it's me who has to change/pick up the pieces to try to make life bearable, and at present I dont have that capacity.

So sorry junerose I did t mean to hijack your post!
Just feeling at the end of my tether for a mo.
Good advice from others though.
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My late husband was showing signs some years in advance of his diagnosis with Parkinson's disease ….we had (the docs and specialists) originally thought it may be Asperger OR Narcissisctic Personality Disorder as he was for many years incapable of hearing anyone's thoughts but his own, often with aggressive and bullying behaviour. In the end the Parkinsons diagnosis was eventually reached which although it did not alter his personality traits, did give a valid reason for his behaviour...many times I had thought of leaving as his aggression became violent ...but I stayed and just got on with it. After four years where he deteriorated slowly, he then had to go into care as he could no longer safely remain at home (constant falling, aggression towards the nurses that came in for some medical procedures) ...the only thing he loved was the two cats we had …..so sad. He never accepted he had anything wrong with him which was even more difficult and fought against any help or advice people TRIED to give him......so sad ...but maybe you could have a word with your doctors who might refer him for further tests and maybe a brain scan ? good luck ..hope it works out for you...

I have been married 40 years and knew in my heart that DH was different. I just got on with things and then last year he came in and asked me if I thought he aspergers. I had to admit that I did as he sees things differently to most people and finds communication with others difficult. He now has asked for help from a wonderful and understanding GP who thinks he also has social interacting problems. He has always been protective of me, but found bringing up children difficult, but he does love them and they love him. It's not been easy, but it has been worth sticking with him and I would do it again. Good luck xxxx

My forty six year old son has just been diagnosed as having Autism,the consultant he saw said it is quite often hereditary.When my son described his father ,the consultant said that even without a consultation,he was sure his Dad has Asperger's.As many of you have said,it helps you to understand the difficulties they(and me) have had with their partners over the years.

June Rose my daughter thinks, as I do, that her partner has ADHD. So I am sure there are a lot of in diagnosed adult men, and women, who weren’t picked up and diagnosed as children. They are going through quite bad relationship issues now

My husband (and his late mother) definitely has Asperger Syndrome. It all became clear when my son was diagnosed with it at the age of 15 (he’s 40 now). At the time my husband told my son’s psychiatrist that he was also on the Spectrum but she said not - saying she would definitely know! However it’s recognised now that there are many more ‘shades’ of the Spectrum than first thought. My husband was relieved although he’s never had an official diagnosis as it made him understand why he struggled all his life.
People with AS find it unhelpful that people often say that everyone is somewhere along the Spectrum as it undermines the difficulties that people on the Spectrum face everyday - having said that I’ve found myself saying the same too!
My son is quite badly affected, was bullied all through school and needed support in the workplace. However he is doing well now and has a very understanding wife (my experience is they often marry someone who is able to help them with the social interactions and communication that they find so difficult). It’s taken a long time but he is fully comfortable with the diagnosis and recommended I look at the Facebook page - Autistic, not Weird. You might want to look at that.
Of course we all know that the programme Doc Martin is based on a doctor with Asperger.

If you can try and watch ‘Asperger‘s and me’ Chris Packham. Very eye opening. I watched because there’s every likelihood my grandson has it. Trying to get a diagnosis on the NHS is virtually impossible so it looks like it’ll have to be sought privately. He is actually extremely clever but socially struggles, so much so that he eventually opted out of university because he found it difficult to interact. Now at the age of 24 he is unemployed basically because actually going for interviews is impossible for him. He doesn’t have any friends to speak of. It’s so sad as he is such a wonderful and clever person and has so much to give. All he needs is some kind of therapy to help him to interact. My daughter is doing her best to find him some help.

My friend who is 60 was recently diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. She says it makes it so much easier to understand why her communication with others has been so upsetting over the years. She Paid privately to see specialists before she was diagnosed.

my partner did the online test a few years ago and scored quite highly. It has helped us to understand him - he too hates social situations, is brutally honest, cannot bear too much of the wrong kind of noise, goes off at a tangent, and can appear a bit aloof and arrogant, is more emotionally attuned to the cat than me. But we have been together over 25 years, and wouldn't change him.

*aspergers, flipping predictive texting

I agree, that we may all be on the spectrum, myself with my OCD, made worse by the shielding lol. My late husband, looking back, aspergillosis, a maths and science genius, built his own guitar, made a transistor radio, and if you got into conversation, accidentally, on anything technical, he would go into detail, even following people around to finish his lecture. So not picking up on social cues. However, the patience of Joab, and one of life’s good guys.
My youngest son I think has inherited it, another genius, just been doctored PHD. endless patience and beautiful natured.
I tend to go overboard on food, I get a liking for something, do it to death, then completely go off it.
My grandson, 10, has been diagnosed as autistic and ADHD.
So it can run in families.xx

@JuneRose I suspected my husband had aspergers and got him to do an online test. Well I asked him the questions and filled it in. He had quite a high score and it said he has aspergers. It does help to know because you then realise that’s how he is and you can’t change it.
It you can’t get him todo it just fill it in yourself from what you know about him. Here is the link www.aspergerstestsite.com/aq-test/
Hope it helps

I've read a lot about aspergers as I know and care about someone who may be on the spectrum and then I found it interesting and read more. The impression I've got is that the person who isn't on the spectrum does need to learn and understand, but so too can the person with Aspergers - and it can help them to feel more able to navigate the world and have a better understanding of their lives and the issues they have met.

June, its just yesterday that I asked a relative to consider the possibility she is on the spectrum. I did so because she's puzzled about certain aspects of her life as well as her family life and its something I'd been thinking for a while based on my exposure to autism. Anyway, she took it really well and after she'd read up on Autism in women, how it can and does present very differently, she got back in touch with me and said - that's me, but how it's never crossed my mind as the mother of a son who has a diagnosis of Aspergers is totally beyond me. She then went on to say - my first husband was definitely on the spectrum as was his dad so DS is just like his dad and grandad but now it turns out he's probably just like his mum as well.

Anyway she had a good read up on autism in females and she's now decided to seek a diagnosis. She said a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders and we spent the whole day discussing the very long texts she sent me. She'd recall things and say things about herself and I'd then say to her now go back and read the text from the perspective of someone on the spectrum. Can you now see you're not useless, that you're not a car crash. What does the future hold for my relative regarding her marriage and family life? Ive no idea to be honest and right now all I want for her is the diagnosis so she can go on in the future knowing she's not the person she presently thinks she is.

OceanMama, your last post was spot on. Well said.

Yes it really can help when you realise your OH Is probably on the spectrum. It explained several things to me and am now able to cope better. Mainly thinking it was all my fault that he spends all his time at work. It's not it's just his "thing".

Well I suppose you can see why he'd be shocked ? I think In the case of my OH he's quite mildly affected but he doesn't always get it when I am being dry or mildly sarcastic and gets really offended. I can't think of an example but it happens now and again.

I have a friend whose son has this and we were the only baby sitters he would have . We were out one day with G. and his mum and we met a friend with a new baby. G.'s mum looked in the pram and said " Oh I could eat that baby " . G.'s face was a picture as he could not understand she really did not exactly mean what she had said .

Well said OceanMama

As you learn more, you might read about how much some people have benefited from finding out, even later in life, that they have Aspergers. To suddenly find out why you felt wrong your entire life can be a relief.

We aren't all on the spectrum. It's a spectrum in there being a spectrum of traits, not degree of Aspergers. Some are against high and low functioning labels because they tend to be based on how the person comes across to observers rather than how they experience Aspergers. You either are or you aren't. It does bring its challenges but also strengths.

Thanks OceanMama for your knowledgeable answer as well which is much appreciated.