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Could my husband have aspergers?

(56 Posts)
JuneRose Mon 22-Jun-20 12:00:47

Has anyone else had the suspicion that their husband may have undiagnosed aspergers? I read an article recently about aspergers and it rang so very true. So many of the problems we have come up against in our relationship fell into place. Thing is I don't know how to bring this up with him or even if I need to. He is totally unwilling/unable to discuss things on an emotional level. He will not attend counselling. To be honest I'm tired of trying to talk to him and getting a total blank in response. But the possibility that this may be a reason for our difficulties in communication has actually helped me feel better about things and more compassionate towards him. I just wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if so how they coped with it.

OceanMama Mon 22-Jun-20 12:31:06

My husband is aspergic. It's not always easy and I think the aspergers in his family is one reason they are estranged - communication problems!

Some things to keep in mind is that aspergers people sometimes marry other aspergers people. It can present very differently in women. It is genetic. If someone is aspergic, it came from somewhere. It's also possible that you may have an aspergers child.

It's hard to give blanket advice because aspergers varies so much among individuals. If you have met one person with aspergers, you have met one person with aspergers.

How do I cope? It's not always easy. But we all have our short comings and aspergers partners bring strengths to a relationship as well.

I suggest doing some reading on the topic from autism positive sources.

OceanMama Mon 22-Jun-20 12:36:41

BTW, when I say it's not always easy I don't mean to be negative about it. I sometimes find the communication can make things a bit lonely and the anxiety that can come with it has been very challenging at times (for him too, obviously). But he's a very loyal and caring person who makes my life better and I wouldn't be without him.

travelsafar Mon 22-Jun-20 12:42:54

I have often wondered if my husband has this. He too can not talk about anthing relating to emotions. Has no friends. Gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks it is critisium then storms off. He always says sorry aftewards but nothing every gets discussed and resolved. He shows off when we have company as cant deal with social situations. It makes life very hard. Does everything according to a routine and can be controlling in a way Sometimes i just want to walk away sad

BlueBelle Mon 22-Jun-20 13:05:42

I think we re all on the spectrum A diagnosis would not really help him because if he could behave differently I m sure he would have done
I can’t see any value in telling him of your concerns instead use the knowledge you have (hopefully) gained by reading up, by pinpointing things in your brain and change the way YOU behave to his quirks He won’t have the ability to change he is what he is, you can’t cure Asperger but you can learn to understand it and stop banging your head against a brick wall trying to change him
Having a name for his lack of being how you are expecting him to be isn’t going to alter it, it may make it worse as he may feel attacked for something that seems quite normal for him

Read up as much as you can and hopefully you love him enough to alter how you react to him
Good luck

JuneRose Mon 22-Jun-20 22:20:11

Thanks so much for your insights. I could write a book on the problems we've had but I do love him and I agree with Bluebelle in that I don't think I have anything to gain by 'accusing' him of something he can't help. I think I will be able to come to terms with things more now I have an inkling of why things are as they are. Travelsafar I bet we could compare notes for hours! We don't have children as it's a second marriage so that's something I don't have to worry about. He doesn't like holidays, likes everything done in a certain way, can't stand certain noises, has a strong interest which he spends hours on, doesn't get irony/dry humour, doesn't always pick up the mood of a conversation, will interupt me mid sentence to say something like 'wow listen to that motorbike' will not talk emotions, has very low empathy... I could go on. But of course he's also funny, can be very kind, very practical, does his bit round the house. I will keep reading about the subject and arm myself with knowledge.

JuneRose Mon 22-Jun-20 22:23:47

Thanks OceanMama for your knowledgeable answer as well which is much appreciated.

OceanMama Mon 22-Jun-20 23:06:41

As you learn more, you might read about how much some people have benefited from finding out, even later in life, that they have Aspergers. To suddenly find out why you felt wrong your entire life can be a relief.

We aren't all on the spectrum. It's a spectrum in there being a spectrum of traits, not degree of Aspergers. Some are against high and low functioning labels because they tend to be based on how the person comes across to observers rather than how they experience Aspergers. You either are or you aren't. It does bring its challenges but also strengths.

lemongrove Mon 22-Jun-20 23:13:15

Well said OceanMama

Floradora9 Tue 23-Jun-20 22:01:44

I have a friend whose son has this and we were the only baby sitters he would have . We were out one day with G. and his mum and we met a friend with a new baby. G.'s mum looked in the pram and said " Oh I could eat that baby " . G.'s face was a picture as he could not understand she really did not exactly mean what she had said .

JuneRose Tue 23-Jun-20 22:35:44

Well I suppose you can see why he'd be shocked 😯 I think In the case of my OH he's quite mildly affected but he doesn't always get it when I am being dry or mildly sarcastic and gets really offended. I can't think of an example but it happens now and again.

loopyloo Wed 24-Jun-20 07:14:25

Yes it really can help when you realise your OH Is probably on the spectrum. It explained several things to me and am now able to cope better. Mainly thinking it was all my fault that he spends all his time at work. It's not it's just his "thing".

BibiSarah Wed 24-Jun-20 08:26:31

OceanMama, your last post was spot on. Well said.

BibiSarah Wed 24-Jun-20 09:30:26

June, its just yesterday that I asked a relative to consider the possibility she is on the spectrum. I did so because she's puzzled about certain aspects of her life as well as her family life and its something I'd been thinking for a while based on my exposure to autism. Anyway, she took it really well and after she'd read up on Autism in women, how it can and does present very differently, she got back in touch with me and said - that's me, but how it's never crossed my mind as the mother of a son who has a diagnosis of Aspergers is totally beyond me. She then went on to say - my first husband was definitely on the spectrum as was his dad so DS is just like his dad and grandad but now it turns out he's probably just like his mum as well.

Anyway she had a good read up on autism in females and she's now decided to seek a diagnosis. She said a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders and we spent the whole day discussing the very long texts she sent me. She'd recall things and say things about herself and I'd then say to her now go back and read the text from the perspective of someone on the spectrum. Can you now see you're not useless, that you're not a car crash. What does the future hold for my relative regarding her marriage and family life? Ive no idea to be honest and right now all I want for her is the diagnosis so she can go on in the future knowing she's not the person she presently thinks she is.

Applegran Wed 24-Jun-20 09:42:23

I've read a lot about aspergers as I know and care about someone who may be on the spectrum and then I found it interesting and read more. The impression I've got is that the person who isn't on the spectrum does need to learn and understand, but so too can the person with Aspergers - and it can help them to feel more able to navigate the world and have a better understanding of their lives and the issues they have met.

Wilma65 Wed 24-Jun-20 09:54:53

@JuneRose I suspected my husband had aspergers and got him to do an online test. Well I asked him the questions and filled it in. He had quite a high score and it said he has aspergers. It does help to know because you then realise that’s how he is and you can’t change it.
It you can’t get him todo it just fill it in yourself from what you know about him. Here is the link www.aspergerstestsite.com/aq-test/
Hope it helps

Florida12 Wed 24-Jun-20 09:56:43

I agree, that we may all be on the spectrum, myself with my OCD, made worse by the shielding lol. My late husband, looking back, aspergillosis, a maths and science genius, built his own guitar, made a transistor radio, and if you got into conversation, accidentally, on anything technical, he would go into detail, even following people around to finish his lecture. So not picking up on social cues. However, the patience of Joab, and one of life’s good guys.
My youngest son I think has inherited it, another genius, just been doctored PHD. endless patience and beautiful natured.
I tend to go overboard on food, I get a liking for something, do it to death, then completely go off it.
My grandson, 10, has been diagnosed as autistic and ADHD.
So it can run in families.xx

Florida12 Wed 24-Jun-20 09:58:03

*aspergers, flipping predictive texting

annab275 Wed 24-Jun-20 10:37:42

my partner did the online test a few years ago and scored quite highly. It has helped us to understand him - he too hates social situations, is brutally honest, cannot bear too much of the wrong kind of noise, goes off at a tangent, and can appear a bit aloof and arrogant, is more emotionally attuned to the cat than me. But we have been together over 25 years, and wouldn't change him.

nipsmum Wed 24-Jun-20 10:54:20

My friend who is 60 was recently diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. She says it makes it so much easier to understand why her communication with others has been so upsetting over the years. She Paid privately to see specialists before she was diagnosed.

kangaroo73 Wed 24-Jun-20 11:06:18

If you can try and watch ‘Asperger‘s and me’ Chris Packham. Very eye opening. I watched because there’s every likelihood my grandson has it. Trying to get a diagnosis on the NHS is virtually impossible so it looks like it’ll have to be sought privately. He is actually extremely clever but socially struggles, so much so that he eventually opted out of university because he found it difficult to interact. Now at the age of 24 he is unemployed basically because actually going for interviews is impossible for him. He doesn’t have any friends to speak of. It’s so sad as he is such a wonderful and clever person and has so much to give. All he needs is some kind of therapy to help him to interact. My daughter is doing her best to find him some help.

Frogs Wed 24-Jun-20 11:13:53

My husband (and his late mother) definitely has Asperger Syndrome. It all became clear when my son was diagnosed with it at the age of 15 (he’s 40 now). At the time my husband told my son’s psychiatrist that he was also on the Spectrum but she said not - saying she would definitely know! However it’s recognised now that there are many more ‘shades’ of the Spectrum than first thought. My husband was relieved although he’s never had an official diagnosis as it made him understand why he struggled all his life.
People with AS find it unhelpful that people often say that everyone is somewhere along the Spectrum as it undermines the difficulties that people on the Spectrum face everyday - having said that I’ve found myself saying the same too!
My son is quite badly affected, was bullied all through school and needed support in the workplace. However he is doing well now and has a very understanding wife (my experience is they often marry someone who is able to help them with the social interactions and communication that they find so difficult). It’s taken a long time but he is fully comfortable with the diagnosis and recommended I look at the Facebook page - Autistic, not Weird. You might want to look at that.
Of course we all know that the programme Doc Martin is based on a doctor with Asperger.

Nainijo Wed 24-Jun-20 11:27:23

June Rose my daughter thinks, as I do, that her partner has ADHD. So I am sure there are a lot of in diagnosed adult men, and women, who weren’t picked up and diagnosed as children. They are going through quite bad relationship issues now

CarrieAnn Wed 24-Jun-20 11:29:15

My forty six year old son has just been diagnosed as having Autism,the consultant he saw said it is quite often hereditary.When my son described his father ,the consultant said that even without a consultation,he was sure his Dad has Asperger's.As many of you have said,it helps you to understand the difficulties they(and me) have had with their partners over the years.

Beanie654321 Wed 24-Jun-20 11:41:08

I have been married 40 years and knew in my heart that DH was different. I just got on with things and then last year he came in and asked me if I thought he aspergers. I had to admit that I did as he sees things differently to most people and finds communication with others difficult. He now has asked for help from a wonderful and understanding GP who thinks he also has social interacting problems. He has always been protective of me, but found bringing up children difficult, but he does love them and they love him. It's not been easy, but it has been worth sticking with him and I would do it again. Good luck xxxx