Could my husband have aspergers?

I found out a few yes ago that my nephew was diagnosed with it, and is parapsychologist said he should look on his father's side of the family, my dad, apparently he almost certainly would have been diagnosed with it if they had known something about it in his life time, I too have it but psychiatrists always pop pop me, as if I don't know what I'm talking about, I think we the sufferers of it no best

Good grief. You miss gransnet for a couple of days and someone writes your letters for you! The times I have planned this self same letter and never got round to actually doing it. I have wondered for years if my DH may have autism to some degree or if he is a result of his very working class upbringing which has always made him feel very out of place in the very professional (legal ) world he now inhabits. Many years ago he told me he always expects someone to tap him on the shoulder and say "what are you doing here, get back to the slums by the docks where you belong". He has no friends. Has no banter or joking easy conversation. He is much happier in a very formal setting , going to work in a suit, shirt and tie (even in this heat), being called Sir, or going to a formal evening do in a dinner suit and bow tie. He belongs to one of the worlds biggest charitable service organisations and has held quite important roles in it. So we know dozens of people, but have made no friends. He has not got one single practical skill (except changing light bulbs). Doesn't cook, garden, DIY, etc etc. He won't even try to do , fix, repair anything. I am sure it is fear of failure. And worst of all he can't take any criticism at all. Even if he does the shopping (with a list) and gets the wrong thing or misses a great offer, I can't tell him. He doesn't get cross but just goes into " I am useless, no good at anything, get absolutely everything wrong" mode. He is endlessly polite. Insists on walking on kerb side of pavement. Always thanks me for his meals whether it is beans on toast or cordon bleu. He even thanks me after having sex!! I could never ever say anything to him, he would be horrified and devastated to think I thought he had a problem. I am probably way too late to join in this conversation. But it has been so good to write it down!

OceanMama, I agree with you. Interestingly enough the relative I mentioned in my first post on this thread said to me - oh, I thought I could possible have bi-polar disorder.

I stressed to her that ASD can and does present very differently in females and she probably hadn't thought of it because her experience of ASD is from the male perspective. She's since been doing a lot of reading and yesterday she told me she's just waiting to be put in touch with someone who specialise in diagnosing ASD in females. Im so pleased for her. Its like a tap's been opened these last few days, she discovering so much about herself and whilst there's a possibility she isn't on the spectrum I'm pretty sure she is.

Not saying that is correct about BPD, but it was food for thought and I can see that possibility in someone I know.

BibiSarah, I read that a lot of women diagnosed with BPD are really autistic. At this time, I think there is still a lot of luck involved with hitting the right person who can recognise ASD in someone and differentiate it from other potential diagnoses. Especially with females.

Freya, on my husbands side there's Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. There's also autism. It's something only seen in this generation but I believe if we could see into the past it would be easily spotted given what we know now. Some of his family 'only' have co-morbids such as dyslexia

On my side my mum had BiPolar disorder and that's about it as far as I can see.

Amongst my own children I have one who is severely autistic and one who's Dyslexic. The latter also has CAPD. I also have a grandchild who's the same but that child is the niece of my child who is Dyslexic and has CAPD. There's also another grandchild who is hyperactive but no diagnosis would be made because they're not hyperactive enough for one. But it most definitely is there. Then there's another who has sensory issues that require a sensory diet but nothing else. Then there's another one who would trip over a wet woodbine so to speak.

I find this part of things fascination and nothing surprises us when we spot things though it can be frustrating when you go to a professional and you're told oh, its way to soon to be thinking of these things - come back in a year. Its why we only ever buy in help now - we're listened to and once people realise we know what we're talking about we can sort things out for the person very quickly.

Im now pretty sure my husband is on the spectrum because I have one child with him who is and one of his other children from a different mum is also autistic.

Another thing we see in the family is people who would nowadays be said to have a personality disorder and Im now interested in any relationship there may between ASD and PD. There is research being done and I first heard about it from a psychiatrist where I live and a member of MN who's involved in the research professionally.

When people would say to me 'oh we're all on the spectrum somewhere' it always crossed my mind it was being said by way of comfort because I'm the mum of a young man who is severely autistic (amongst other things). I didn't need any comfort but I'd just accept it (and I still do) as being well meant at a time when people really didn't know what autism was

Are we all on the spectrum somewhere? No. Most definitely not. But it is safe to say that we can have things going on that (wrongly) make it seem that way and its why people also refer to a person as being extreme NT.

As for Aspergers, HF, LF, Classic Kanners Autism now being termed ASD. Well, I'll only ever refer to my sons autism as Classic Kanners Autism just as I'll continue to refer to Aspergers and HFA. Ive actually lost count of the different terms people have been told to use over the years and one thing'ss for sure - it won't be long before someone thinks up another term and we're told ASD should now be referred to as .....................

Thank you all so much for your insights. Very much appreciated and very helpful. I will definitely look at the different together website Thirdinline.

I first met other wives of men with AS on Mumsnet. There is a great website for “neurotypicals” married, or in a relationship with, partners with Aspergers (in USA they only use the terms ASD, or ASC. In UK Aspergers Syndrome is still used). www.different-together.co.uk
It was started by one of those wives I met on Mumsnet all those years ago. I recommend it to all of you still in relationships with men with AS, whether diagnosed or not. There’s so much advice and support on there.

For years I was led to believe (mainly by my MIL) that my family (siblings, mother may have been bipolar and father dyslexic) had a faulty gene. This was actually realised when we all started to have children. I have six brothers and me. My youngest son, daughter and nephew are dyslexic, a niece is deaf and another nephew is autistic. I had been diagnosed as dyslexic at university and my brother suspected he was because of his treatment at school. So I accepted these traits and never looked any further for answers.
However as the years went by I became aware that my eldest son is so like his father. Analysing my son he has always been hyper, never slept more then 4 hours in 24 from a baby and still doesn't and is a work alcoholic. My husband is the same; goes to bed at 3 am, always been a work alcoholic, does not like the idea of socialising but is popular at the party, never been wrong about anything and is very controlling. They are both very intelligent, top in everything, both kind and gentle but can drive you insane because of their insensitivity and lack of compassion. Both totally disorganised and thinks they knows everything; imagine the dinner conversations in this house.
So yes, I now do believe that both my husband and eldest son are Asperger's ,which has got more and more obvious the older they get. Not even sure what to do about it now. I have livid with this for 50 years but often wonder how my DIL is coping.

Just to add, he was never diagnosed. But when a mutual friend (who later related this to me) talked to him about Aspergers in connection with her work, he became very thoughtful, and said 'you know, this could be me'. Alas, this was after we divorced.

JuneRose and everyone - very interesting and informative exchange! I hope you can make it work, but you need to get your emotional needs covered elsewhere. For me it meant, after 23 years of marriage I had to throw in the towel. I lived with this man (who has many lovely qualities) in a foreign country (I come from Germany), with no family or close friends, and on top of that I was working with him. So isolated, so lonely. I tried hard, but in the end I had nightmares, I absolutely had to leave or I would have gone mad. I mean this literally. If I had known anything about Aspergers when I was younger, who knows things might have turned out differently.

Oh Babs49 your post is so eloquent.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Do speak more on the Bereavement thread. It might help.

I'll bear your experience in mind. Thank you for sharing.

My husband (Aspergers) brilliant mathematician, a very complex man..very difficult at times, lacked humour...died on March 1st..after 16 weeks of sudden cancer..he was so brave. Never underestimate how much you will miss them, I am in pieces. He could never show empathy or praise me. we were together 24 years and I really am grief stricken..cannot do all the finances he did effortlessly. It is so difficult to locate a trustworthy person to help me I have found. He was a superb driver..Rome, France anywhere, but I was forbidden to talk as he needed to concentrate, I was told. Gradually you both mould to the shapes you are...I miss him so very much. Never thought I would not be able to cope without him, but I have lost my rock and stability. The 'no change' attitude to our home really annoyed me, but I would give so much just for him to walk in the door.

When my niece’s son was a baby and until he was six she did not know what was wrong with him. Doctor was not helpful.
They moved to Wales. Her husband is Welsh. It was there he was diagnosed with Asperger so they knew how to deal with him. He is now 25 holding a job and has a steady girl friend.
My nieces father was always the most awkward person and led my sister a terrible life and we now believe that he must have had Asperger and it was carried down to his grandson

cassandra264 I understand what you’re saying about Aspergers being recognised as a ‘disability’. However before any help can be obtained it’s necessary to get a formal diagnosis. That’s like waiting for paint to dry on the NHS, which is why we’re now going down the private route. Interestingly, Chris Packham on his documentary about his Aspergers at one pint was in the USA. He was most disgruntled when one of the specialists there said he hoped for a cure. CP says it’s not something which needs to be cured - just slightly different ‘wiring’ in the brain

My partner has specific ASD traits. When we were first together and I realised this, he was hugely insulted. Over the years, he's accepted the idea and now, when he doesn't respond in a 'mainstream' way, he'll joke, 'I am on the spectrum, you know.'

I don't think us knowing about it has changed a lot for him, but it helped me accept him the way he is. I've had to be blunt at times and tell him he has to take specific actions because it is just the accepted thing to do. As long as I'm specific, he's usually happy to comply, which means we are both happy.

Learn as much as you can about the condition and how to live with someone with it. If he is not open to being helped the very least you deserve is to help yourself. There may be chatrooms on appropriate websites that might be an opening to offload as well as gain support - good luck

ASD, autistic spectrum disorder comes in many forms and cannot be learned about by reading other than gaining general information. That is because everyone on the spectrum is different, just like everyone not on the spectrum is different.

There are so many different aspects and combinations so it does help to refer to Asperger Syndrome which has so many similarities across very many of those diagnosed.

To understand this better you really need to live with a person so diagnosed. No amount of reading can prepare you for the range of experiences that can be encountered.

Our son was finally correctly diagnoed when he was 40. He died this year at 53. From all that he told us and everything we learnt fitted with so much reading that I had done yet none of that prepared us for the swift and devastating changes he could display.

As well as being an Aspie everyone of them can fall victim to any of the medical illnesses the rest of us experience. And some conditions such as agoraphobia and OCD are quite common for them.

The human experience can categorise many people into different groups such as, say, blind, deaf, mute, diabetic and so on with all the groups including some of those on ASD.

I have a neice whose first born son is an Aspie (he is doing well and is talented in music) while her second and last is an ASD mute. This category is, as many will recognise, extremely difficult to live with and manage. Yet he is not alone so many families are in similar positions. There are special schools that can help but rarely 24/7 and at 18 the family has to find what help they can.

Do not let anyone tell you they know all about ASD/autism/asperger. Even if they have a family member so diagnosed the differences always leave something more to be learnt.

I suspected that my ex husband had it.The stress when we went anywhere because he was socially awkward.He would take things very literally and didn't really understand jokes.I researched and spoke to lots of other people who had partners/husbands with it.He would do nothing about it or seek advice.After we had separated he was eventually diagnosed with it.Get some advice even if he won't is my best suggestion.Good luck !

Davidhs .... Men and emotions
This made me laugh as it reminded me of 'Martin' in 'Friday Night Dinner', only he keeps saying ''Women! Females! Emotion!''

I dont think this thread is really blaming men though.

I was a teacher in an all boys school. One day I was moaning that my DH had never arranged a holiday for us. Her suggestion was that I treat him the same as ASD boys. One instruction at a time and to start small. Well I was able to get him to book a table for a meal but the stress level for him was awful. I am now (mostly) kinder in my thoughts about him and in the way I 'manage' him.

Watch Doc Martin that might help as one example of aspergic behaviour. We are all different but I have yet to find an aspergic person who is not kind even though we often get things wrong through lack of awareness or inappropriate responses. Self awareness of the condition can help as my wife can prompt me with a squeeze of the arm when I may have responded in an inappropriate way. As others have said take pleasure from the good bits. None of us are perfect partners.

Men and emotions.
Men in general dont show emotions they are expected to be strong, supportive, stiff upper lip and all that. The worst combination is a couple that are both emotional at the same time.
I’m no different, when there are emotions shown by the women in my life I try to be as supportive as possible until things calm down

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful posts. It seems this is more common than I ever realised. I'm still feeling my way but hopefully just knowing there may be a reason why we have the difficulties we experience will help.