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Grandson and his partner have separated and I am so worried

(30 Posts)
Kartush Fri 03-Jul-20 11:52:33

My grandsons partner of 10 years informed him that she no longer loved him, had been unfaithful to him and no longer wanted to be with him. They are so young, he is 24 she is 23. They have a little boy who is 2 and a half.
While I am so sad for them as I love them both ( our grandson is devastated as he did not know there was a problem) I am very worried about our great grandson.
I know this will sound very selfish but we have babysat him since his mother returned to work when he was about 3 months old. We have him every Friday sometimes more, he sometimes sleeps over and he just adores my husband.
While things have not changed in the two weeks since the breakup the thought of loosing our great grandson fills me with dread.
I don’t know what to think or do.

Starblaze Fri 03-Jul-20 12:01:52

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing but continue to be friendly to your grandsons ex, do not get involved in any relationship shenanigans. Listen, nod, smile.... Act like nothing has changed between you, her and GGC. Then hopefully it won't

FlexibleFriend Fri 03-Jul-20 12:12:32

Behave exactly as you have until now, his partner will still need help with the little one, just because they've separated it doesn't mean she'll suddenly not need any help. Just don't take sides stay neutral and hopefully everything will continue as normal.

paddyanne Fri 03-Jul-20 12:26:20

My sons partner did the same to him when their baby was under a year old.He came home to us and had her half of every week.As he worked full time I looked after her while she was here.She stayed until very recently and she's now 11 .Dad has a new partner and a new baby and they are a lovely wee family .I saw far more of my GD because of the seperation than I wouldhave if they had stayed together.Dont panic over it.They are a very young couple and the relationship has lasted a long time for such young folk ,they will be able to be friends once the initial hurt wears off and things will become a new normal Just let the wee ones mum know you are happy to continue to help with him when needed .Keep smiling ,its hard but it helps

Hithere Fri 03-Jul-20 12:49:10

It is sad they broke up but there is nothing you can do.

I agree with others to act as usual and dont transfer your feelings to them - manage your worry on your own.

MellowYellow Fri 03-Jul-20 21:59:12

Similar thing happened to me and mine. I was in anguish for my little grandson, aged 2. I stayed in touch with his mum (not married to my son) even though she rubbished my son unfairly on Facebook. She never knew I knew. It took a lot of willpower not to react but I did it for my grandson as we were very close. I helped out more following the break up than before and now my grandson is 10 and I still see him (and his mum) regularly. But boy did I need a big roll of tape for my mouth for quite a long time!

BlueBelle Fri 03-Jul-20 22:14:16

His partner of 10 years and they re 23 and 24 !!! How can they have been ‘partners’ at 13/14 School kid boyfriend and girlfriend maybe, but not partners
Anyway to the point as you have been good friends With the mum and helped a lot hopefully she will still be in contact with you and still let you see the little boy
You ve had good advice keep it to yourself and hopefully still carry on as you were

welbeck Sat 04-Jul-20 00:16:21

yes keep your own counsel, and try to maintain an even keel.

Kartush Sat 04-Jul-20 00:52:30

Thank you so much for your support and advice, as you all suggest, I will take a deep breath and just go with the flow.

@BlueBelle you have roused my curiosity, at what stage does a relationship go from boyfriend/girlfriend to partners? Is it an age or a length of time together?

BlueBelle Sat 04-Jul-20 05:13:40

Its a good question isn’t it ? Surely like in business you aren’t partners until you both have enough understanding of a situation to make a concerted decision to be part of it (for ever supposedly in a human relationship) So certainly not before adulthood which is 18 isn’t it ? and ever that is incredible young
Surely this is the problem they were little children when they both started being boyfriend and girlfriend 13 and 14, just children, they have known nothing else and no one else, of course they have grown out of each other The exclusivity of their little relationship should have started after they had had all the fun of teenage years exploring people, places and life in general, they have left so many steps out

Of course shes fallen out of love she s probably bored and realising that she has lost the best years of her life and now has a child so can’t go exploring relationships, countries, jobs in the way she should have... it’s worn itself out

Exclusivity at 13 is the reason ten years on they are in trouble they have both missed out on so much

Hopefully she will still let you continue your relationship with the little boy, your great grandson and she may need your help more than ever but don’t blame her she was a baby herself far to young to commit to a lifetime relationship she is trying to do now what she should have done at 15/16
Good luck Kartush they both sound good people

Calendargirl Sat 04-Jul-20 07:36:32

Sometimes young relationships work out BlueBelle, but sadly, especially nowadays, often not.

There are so many opportunities out there, whereas years ago people just settled for the simple and the familiar.

I thought I was with the love of my life at 16, I look back and think no way.

BlueBelle Sat 04-Jul-20 08:45:57

I thought I was with the love of my life at 20 calandergirl’
Well that was a dream
Of course some young romances do work out my mum was 16 dad 18 and they were together a day off 70 years but at 13 and 14 that’s just babies experimenting with life when they should be playing leapfrog or whatever they play nowadays they have never experienced anything else, no other people no other relationships no learning to survive alone.... presumable they weren’t in a sexual relationship at that age !!! so now that is all new and exciting to her she can’t be blamed for now spreading her wings, it’s just a shame a baby s involved

Chezabella Sat 04-Jul-20 10:07:45

Wise words, as ever, Bluebelle. I’m sorry to hear your worry, Kartush, it must be very difficult seeing your GS so upset but he’s still the dad and his ex partner has grown up knowing you as a kind and helpful grandparent, that won’t change. Just carry on being there for them without passing judgement. She has done the decent thing, in being honest about her feelings. I know a couple who get together at a similar young age. For 40+ years the husband has had affairs and done disappearing acts, maybe they just got together & married too young. I’m not saying your GGS’s mum & dad would behave in the same way, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You can provide a place of calm in the storm. Good luck,

Kartush Sat 04-Jul-20 10:28:54

BlueBelle I don’t blame her, I just wish she had said something when she first started feeling this way over a year ago and I will always be there to help her if she needs me.
I guess I never saw anything strange in them being together when they were so young because I was 15 when I met my husband and married him when I was 16 and had 3 babies at her age.
Again thank you all for your kind words, it has helped me put my worries in perspective.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 04-Jul-20 10:54:36

Nothing you can do. Just keep on friendly terms and help out when you can, these things happen. I wouldn’t take any sides, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors,

jaylucy Sat 04-Jul-20 11:34:56

Just keep out of it.
There is absolutely no reason why you cannot continue with looking after GGS as you have been, if his mum is happy for you to do it. Let her know, with no comment or opinion that you can do this.
GS may well be upset at first but just explain it is for GGS, no one else.

trisher Sat 04-Jul-20 11:44:27

I agree with everything that has been said. Perhaps as well my experience might help you my DS split with his partner when DGS was just 2. They stayed with me for a bit and always came for tea on a Monday for many years. 15 years later DGS still has a room at my house he regards as his and he comes to stay overnight in the school holidays sometimes Hell be off to Uni next year and I will miss him. Your GGS will grow up and can be happy just keep caring for them all.

GreenGran78 Sat 04-Jul-20 11:54:27

It’s quite understandable, as others have said, that she wants to explore the part of her life that she missed out on. It’s a pity that there is a child involved, but there is nothing that you can do.
Just keep your head down, keep smiling, and don’t comment or take sides. You have a good relationship with your DIL, and that shouldn’t change if you don’t rock the boat.

Who knows, perhaps she will get it out of her system, realise that the grass wasn’t greener, and ask to be reconciled with your son. If so, and he can forgive, things may return to normal again.
Good luck

Namsnanny Sat 04-Jul-20 12:17:52

Everything you said is fair BlueBell but should woulda coulda!
Too late for recriminations. Anyway how do you make a 14y old look at thi gs from a 30-60y viewpoint?
When people think they're 'in lurv' there's no telling them, whatever their age.

Namsnanny Sat 04-Jul-20 12:19:43

Kartush ... as others have said smile and keep your own counsel.
Good luck!

BlueBelle Sat 04-Jul-20 12:58:26

I wasn’t saying anything about recriminations nansnanny merely explaining why the girl was now needing to start her real life as Kartush had said her grandson was devastated as he didn’t know there was a problem and I think the problem is very clear that’s all The girl probably has no idea how to deal with life outside her little bubble
I think Kartush you sound a lovely person who loves all three young people in your life and although things will change hopefully there ll be no BIG changes and you ll go on being close to all of them, albeit in a different way

Rowsie Sat 04-Jul-20 14:34:12

My son has had 2 relationships that broke up but I stayed in touch with the girls and therefore kept in touch with my grandsons. I made sure never to criticise them and was always available to help them out with babysitting or whatever they wanted. My house became a place where the two half brothers could meet up and now, one of them is 30 and the other is 27 and we are all still very involved in each others lives.

dogsmother Sat 04-Jul-20 15:32:14

I’m with you on this Bluebelle.
My two eldest were with their respective girlfriends for 7years and youngest for 6 and now looking dodgy.
All from teens at school. I thought I’d birthed swans lol

paddyanne Sat 04-Jul-20 16:04:24

Bluebelle my late Mum and Dad were together from 12 years old married at 22 until Dad died 5 months shy of their 50th wedding anniversary ,ALL my Aunts and, Uncles had similar relationships .My Godfather apparently brought his 13 year old GF home and introduced her as his future wife,and she was 10 years later and until he died in his 80's

JaneRn Sat 04-Jul-20 18:52:34

I think it is so sad that boys and girls commit themselves when they are so young and inexperienced, and when they breakup leave a child who is the real victim of their foolishness.

I waited until I was 28 to get married - an incredibly happy marriage - and when I think of the years before I remember what fun it all was. I wouldn't have missed them for anything! You're only young once, so enjoy it.