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I have just found out I am a granny .... from a stranger.

(39 Posts)
QueenieUK Sat 04-Jul-20 08:09:03

Yesterday I received a call from a Client to tell me that they had seen my daughter has had a baby ... but I did not even know my daughter was pregnant.

My family is trapped in a toxic relationship caused by my mother being a narcissist. I was emotionally and physically abused by her, and every relationship in the family has been prevented by her lies.

She has interfered with every relationship I have ever had ... friends and partners .. and more heartbreakingly with my relationship with my daughter. She has told people that I never wanted my daughter, she has told me in front of my Daughter for years that I am a rubbish mother etc etc.

After my daughters wedding my mother started in earnest with a scary campaign of lies and deceptions, resulting in me being alienated from my daughter. Heartbreaking and after nearly 4 years I have still not squared off being separated from my daughter.

And then came the blow yesterday ... to be told that I have a grandchild from a client. The hurt was enormous and I felt physical pain like I had been stabbed and couldn’t breath.

I have spent the day and the night in tears and I don’t know how to deal with this hurt. I am not brave enough to step into the arena ever again with my mother ... but miss my daughter and oh I just can’t tell you the pain of hearing I have a grandson.

Any help, support, guidance would be gratefully received.

BlueBelle Sat 04-Jul-20 08:37:26

Gosh that’s heartbreaking and I m not sure what I would do in that situation for the best You whole Being would want to go and see her but then she might think it’s only for the baby and not for her I m sure other posters will have better ideas but how about some beautiful flowers (just for her) perhaps nothing at this stage for the baby because I wouldn’t want it seeming that you want to get involved just for the baby so perhaps some flowers telling her you think about her every day and how happy you are for her and how much you love her ...then play the waiting game

lemsip Sat 04-Jul-20 08:44:13

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nannytopsy Sat 04-Jul-20 08:48:07

That’s very unkind lemsip and I hope you are proud of yourself. Did you actually read the post?
Good luck to the OP - I hope you can get some happiness from the situation.

Oopsadaisy3 Sat 04-Jul-20 08:49:06

Are you still in touch with your mother?
If not then I would do what Bluebelle suggested.
If you are still in touch with your mother, then it’s time to make a choice, her or your daughter.
Hopefully you will be able to have some sort of relationship with your daughter, but until you make the break you won’t.
Time to Man up ( as they say)

eazybee Sat 04-Jul-20 08:51:17

Surely the perfect reason to attempt a reconciliation. Simply write to your daughter and tell her you you are delighted to hear she has had a child, and you hope all is well. Then wait,
(and stop dragging your mother into everything.)
Time for a fresh start.

rafichagran Sat 04-Jul-20 08:54:46

FFS Lemsip what a spiteful reply, this poster has had years of abuse from a very toxic Mother, she has lied and ruined any relationships the OP had. Of course she is upset she did not know she had a Grandchild.

I hope given time things might change with your daughter and you have a relationship with your Grandson.

BlueBelle Sat 04-Jul-20 08:57:46

Well I know lemons are bitter but that was some nasty post lemsip You really should be ashamed of that reply

janeainsworth Sat 04-Jul-20 09:02:56

Lemsip I think that’s the most cruel post I’ve ever seen on Gransnet. It puts the nastiness on the political threads into the shade.

Queenie good advice from Bluebelle. I do hope you manage to re-establish a relationship with your daughter thanks

Nortsat Sat 04-Jul-20 09:08:13

Queenie, how distressing.
I can see your dilemma. If you send something to your DD and not to your new DGS, that could be misconstrued.

Perhaps a letter saying how pleased you are to hear about your grandson and that you would like to send him something, if that’s acceptable.

Small steps may lead to something more.
Good luck. 💐

rafichagran Sat 04-Jul-20 09:08:28

Lemsip is even more vile. I was wondering with that reply if the poster lived on sour grapes but I see it is bitter lemons.
The OP is distressed and asked for our advice, she did not deserve that reply.
OP please reach out to your daughter, explain she was loved and wanted, and then be prepared to wait. I hope you are not still seeing your Mother, but if you are, for your own sake stop now, she has ruined your life long enough.
Good Luck OP.

Smileless2012 Sat 04-Jul-20 09:15:41

I'm so very sorry Queenie. We are estranged from our youngest son and only GC so I know only too well that physical pain and being unable to breath.

Even if there was a part of you that thought one day your D would have a child of her own, and you would get the news from a 'stranger', the reality is shocking.

I don't know if during the last 4 years you've tried contacting your D, and if so when the last time that was. If you haven't done so, and I can understand why, I would advise against contacting her in anyway as no doubt it will be seen as you only being interested in your GC.

Your mother's influence over your D is extremely strong, it must be for you to have been estranged in the first place, so when you say you're "not brave enough to step into the arena with (your) mother ever again" be aware that your mother may not be the only person in the arena you'd face; your D could well be there too.

As difficult as I know this is, my advice for what it's worth is to do nothing. Unless the relationship between your D and your mother has changed, your estrangement is unlikely to change.

You D, now a mother herself may come to regret losing her relationship with you, her own mother, and contact you.

As Oopsadaisy has said, there is a choice to be made here but I don't think it's yours, to choose between your mother and your D, I think it's your D who must choose, between her GM and her mother.

Take care and come back and let us know how you're doingflowers.

pennykins Sat 04-Jul-20 09:18:57

I really feel for you and I know exactly how you feel. I have not seen one of my sons for nearly 10 years, we feel out after he got engaged as his fiancee turned him again us and we were not invited to their wedding in the UK.
I was told by one of my other sons that he had a son and it felt like someone had punched my in the stomach and quite took my breath away. I gradually had to accept it and he did eventually send me a photograph and telling me his name but I have no idea when he was born.
I have since heard that he also has a daughter now but again no idea of her dob.
Being your daughter, perhaps you could write to her but I would not say that you know she has a baby. You could just ask her how she is and how she has been coping with the lockdown, tell her you love her and can't stop thinking about her but do not make her feel guilty for not telling you about your grandchild.
I really hope you manage to sort things out. i really wish I had done something sooner but the main problem is my husband and he could have sorted things out sooner but he choose not to.
I don't even know where he lives.

Orangerose Sat 04-Jul-20 09:20:28

QueenieUK I agree with Bluebelle. Send her some lovely flowers and put in a little note in saying you love her. I hope it works out for you, you must be very upset.

Lemsip you nasty person. You obviously have no compassion at all. I wouldn’t like you as a friend.

mumofmadboys Sat 04-Jul-20 09:21:01

I agree re Lemsip. I think you need to apologise to Queenie. To be honest I am glad you are not a friend of mine, Lemsip.
I agree with others to send a letter to your DD and congratulate her. Perhaps say you would like to buy GS a present and is there anything particularly that he needs. Baby steps. Hopefully eventually you will meet up with your DD and GS. Don't mention your mum to her. Just say you are sorry you have become estranged and you are desperate to put things right. Good luck. Hope things improve for you

Shropshirelass Sat 04-Jul-20 09:30:46

I don't see my son, sadly, he lives a long way from me, and a few years ago I found out that he had 2 children. Yes, it hurt and I live in hope that one day he will have more contact but I have to accept that this is his choice. It does made me very sad.

Alexa Sat 04-Jul-20 10:09:23

Queenie, I wish you could find the courage to have a real fight with your mother. Also if I were your daughter I'd love to have a bunch of flowers like BlueBelle suggested and also a nice letter. I think it is time for you to express your feelings, and your feelings for your daughter and baby are all good .

Alexa Sat 04-Jul-20 10:11:34

Shropshire Lass, you have a right to tell him you love him and want the best for him and his little family. Do please keep us in the picture as to how you are feeling and what happens.

Alexa Sat 04-Jul-20 10:15:11

I did not read Lemsip's post but for goodness sake stop the opprobrium! (yes, I never in my life had the occasion to write or say that word but why not be adventurous?)
L obviously meant no harm why would she.

Grammaretto Sat 04-Jul-20 10:18:21

I would send her a present of flowers and a card or letter. This is what we do for anyone we care for.

Would it compound the hurt if you mentioned the baby?
Our relationships with our DC change during our lifetimes and often there is role reversal.

Your DM sounds like a very difficult person but why anyone would want to drive a wedge between a mother and her daughter, defeats me. Jealousy I suppose?

If you can hold your head up and be proud of everything you have achieved, be brave and not care about being hurt again, I would write a letter explaining the story from your point of view. No-one else can do that but you.

janeainsworth Sat 04-Jul-20 10:22:27

Lemsip’s post has been deleted now Alexa but why didn’t you read it?
If you’re going to have a go at everyone who has criticised a poster, it’s incumbent on you to at least read the post in question!

Illte Sat 04-Jul-20 10:37:05

Unless you've had a toxic person in your family it's hard to believe what some people will do.
And it's very hard to fight against because they will always manage to wrong foot you. They're not just nasty they are also very clever.

I'm truly sorry that your mother succeeded. Like Smileless, I would do nothing because it will just give your mother another thing to use against you. Though she'll probably also use not doing anything against you too.

You see, you just can't win with people like that. I'm so sorry 💐

Lolo81 Sat 04-Jul-20 13:33:04

My heart goes out to you Queenie, that must have been an awful way to find out that your daughter has become a mother.
If you don’t mind me asking, is your DD estranged from both you and your mother or is she on your mothers “side” (I couldn’t think of another way of putting that, I know it’s rather simplistic)? The reason I ask is that although it would be a lovely gesture to reach out with flowers, if DD is siding with her GM, then reaching out at this time is giving them ammunition that you’re only doing so to gain access to the new baby and furthering the “bad mum” narrative. I know this is not the case, but you say your mum is a narc - any display could be twisted to her agenda. Have you tried reaching out to DD prior to this?

Alexa Sat 04-Jul-20 14:17:19

janeainsworth, I suppose I must have read this thread after Lemsip's post was deleted. Nobody means to offend.

Alexa Sat 04-Jul-20 14:19:41

I mean nobody means to offend just for the sake of offending.