Friendship estrangement - am I right?

Don’t feel guilty. You must take care. Step back and she might seek professional help.

I'm going to take a different tack to most comments here.

She needs support. You have correctly analysed the kind of support she wants. (Maybe not what she NEEDS, but that's another matter.) So let her vent. You're NOT being 'perfectly useless', so there's no need for you to be angry or upset.

It's easy to be a friend when it's undemanding.

your friend is right you have no idea

I have a neighbour who is constantly telling me her husband is attacking her due to dementia I lost my husband in October last year my brother died two days after christmas and my beloved little dog died a few weeks since. this neighbour has hardly acknowledged my losses I still have my other dog who has developed a lump on her side and I cant get a vet to see her as it's not an emergency. i allow my dog to run about on the communual grass outside both our bungalows and very occasional she will do her business on said grass which I always clean up as soon as shes done well almost always sometimes I might not see shes done it straight away but her and her husband do and she wastes no time telling me even tho I always check she knows everytime I get visitors how long they stay what time I leave and return well today my son was fitting my new carpet and I was busy clearing the room when she knocked on the door with her dil in tow to say my dog had done her business out side and her husband had gone crazy and attacked her so I said she needed to get medical help and I would clean up as soon as I got a minute she said I should not let the dog on the grass as her hubby doesn't like it I told to her to send him to see me but she said he would swear and shout at me so I said he would get the same back .the thing is hes very pleasant polite and jovial everytime he sees me I'm getting the impression that it's her and not him with the problem other people walk there dogs on this grass and they often do the business on it but she never says a word to them I try to be a good neighbour always asking if they need shopping or anything fetching when I go out first time posting sorry it's been so long

I also agree back off a little. I wouldn’t answer the door especially the way she spoke to you , very rude! If you back off maybe she will ask her family for advice than bothering you all the time, don’t feel guilty. Sorry to hear of your sad bereavement of your late husband. And all the best

Ohh, I'm late to this, sorry.

Your friend is looking for pity, not help, in my opinion. I remember reading an article written by someone who had volunteered with The Samaritans, or a similar organisation. First call, gambler, the volunteer started advising about groups that can help, different resources - but wasn't really listening to the gambler who needed to talk, to unload, and be listened to.

I read a book some years ago when my DS was small, titled How to talk so kids will listen - and listen so kids will talk, brilliant book. Instead of saying "right, you need to do this thing, or contact this organisation", try - "that sounds awful, how does that make you feel". "What a horrible situation for you, what do you think you could do about it". Put the power back to your friend.

Just a suggestion.

Well done Notsooldat75 and I'm glad your neighbour has some family support now.

I think that when your neighbour appears on your doorstep she doesn't really want any help, she just wants to be away from her DH for a while.

She should just have a walk around the block instead.

If you do let her in again, and she is complaining, don't make suggestions but maybe ask her what she thinks could help.

Totally agree with you.

Oh dear, what a very sad situation. I feel for both of you - her, because she's trying to deal with a very frightening situation, and you, because you're fragile - understandably. I think you have to make this one of those times when you take care of yourself. You can't help others until you help yourself. If that takes time, then so be it. There are plenty of agencies out there who can help her - the wonderful Alzheimer's Society comes to mind. If she does become a little more receptive, then maybe point her in their direction, especially their online Talking Point forum.

Meanwhile, to quote someone somewhere "put your own lifejacket on first before helping anyone else." xx

It's called self=preservation. You must take care of yourself and your own mental wellbeing.

Remember that one of the consequences of Alzheimer’s is a change in personality, and an increase in anger/hostility. Added to which is probably her fully to expected distress at her predicament. This is not to say that you should set yourself up for this treatment from her; I think you probably have little alternative. It might just help you to understand her behaviour and of course if can bear to do it, perhaps letting her know that whilst you are drawing clear boundaries stating that you will not continue to accept hurtful and disrespectful behaviour. that you are there if she needs/wants you in the future.

With the violence now a factor in the illness your friend has to involve medical and social agencies. If ishe is not prepared to face facts you have to tell her you can offer nothing by way of support. Sad situation for you both but if the violence isn't addressed your friend could well come to harm.

Sorry, “I didn’t see her for dust with my own bereavement”!

Thank you, everyone, for your lovely, kind and supportive messages. I feel so supported by every single one of you. The irony is that this so-called friend is actually a bereavement counsellor herself!
I believe she has now involved her daughter and her family, thank goodness, and I can recover in peace. But I am keeping my front door locked and using the peephole if anyone calls!
And you’re all quite right, didn’t see her for dust with my own bereavements!
Thank you again, every single one of you. You really did help enormously!

I agree with all the good advice you have been given- you must look after yourself now.By the way, make sure YOU have someone you can rely on if you need it though too.

I must apologise for not saying I was sorry that you have been bereaved recently.

All the very best to you. Take care of yourself.

It's a terrible shame that your neighbour is in such a difficult position, but she is imposing on you and making you feel very uncomfortable. You are right to want that to stop.

Stick up for yourself and your happiness. I am no one to talk as I often get put upon, but I try hard not to.

All the very best to you.

You feel better? There you are you've answered your question.You've offered, help, support, advice and friendship. All you can do now is ensure your own energy is kept up and remove anything toxic. Stop feeling guilty. This person has a family. This now their responsibility. Best wishes.

If she’s online, you might point her to the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum for carers of people with Alzheimer’s or any other form of dementia.

It’s been a lifeline for many, inc. me when I was sorely pressed,
you can let off steam there as much as you like to others who know exactly what it’s like. There aren’t often any easy answers, but whatever you’re going through, someone else will have been there.

You are perfectly in the right to put yourself first. Hopefully you will get in touch with a support group or even probably better she should have a private word with the Doctor. Take care.

Is it only me that’s shocked by the “arriving at my doorstep” ??
What happened to social distancing?

You have to take care of yourself, especially as it takes time to go through the aftermath of a bereavement.

Your friend needs to now take responsibility for her situation and access help available. Difficult for some people, but you are right to take a step back.

Emily Harburn. Good idea to publish the contact details of the organisations that can help.
My sister's husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers almost 2 years ago and it has taken a long time for her to accept some of the realities of the condition for the carer.
Problem is, they live in France and although France has a good Dementia network, neither sister nor brother in law are fluent in French.
Because I volunteer with an Alzheimers singing group, I knew the very person that could help provided I could persuade my sister that a chat could be a plan. With her 'head in the sand' attitude I knew this would not be easy. However, she contacted my friend, who lost her husband to the disease about 8 months ago and a link has been established. Relief on my part.
Also the Alzheimers society have a free A5 paperback available about the condition plus other publications about caring for the carer which is crucial.
This latter is highly important, so I am aghast at the attitude of some of the posters who advise abandoning the poor woman. Bit more compassion, please, ladies!! She needs all the help she can get.
So, Notsooldat75, would it be possible to find someone who is experiencing the challenges that your neighbour is having? So that they might establish a helpful and productive link. She must be frightened and bewildered.
You might salvage your friendship too.

I think you're right Notsooldat75, if you're not available to run to, she might get help. Kwest suggested a really nice way of telling her this as she's a friend. You need to look after yourself though and not be a receptacle for her unhappiness. Also, how would you feel if he really hurt her? She needs to get professional help now, for both their sakes, before that happens so, yes, getting the information for her is a good idea but then tell her why you need to shut your door for a while.

Your friend needs professional help in addition to her husband. I am sure there must be support groups available or individual counseling. Might you kindly suggest as such to her since you have your own bereavement.