Living together but separated?

If you carried on living together what would happen if say, your husband found a lady friend, how would it work then? I would see a solicitor and try and find a way out of leaving and having your own place.

Dear Debutante, I'm sorry to hear how sad and lonely you feel within your marriage but can I please warn you that leaving the home you have for a retirement in poverty is an equally sad and lonely existence. If your husband has been a loyal and hardworking partner and a good father to your girls then maybe you can workout an arrangement where you each have a separate bedroom. I have known many couples who in older life have separate bedrooms because of health issues, snoring etc. If you are dreaming of a wonderful new romantic partner who will be selfless, be economically able to take care of you, has no other family ties demanding his attention and money, I do not think this is the reality of dating in your sixties. To be totally independent you will need good health and a means to support yourself financially.

From what I can work out you're only in your 60s so could have decades left with your DH. I understand that you want to leave money for your daughters but would you agree with them doing the same? That is to say, staying in an unhappy relationship so they could pass on money? I'm fairly sure you wouldn't. Please go to CAB and make a free appointment with a solicitor. Good luck OP

I'm with Tempest you do need to face the reality of leaving your home and looking for romance. The bed, presents etc should have been worked on decades ago. You also don't sound in completely good health, is it Osteoporosis with the spine fractures. Just to help you decide what to do why not see a Solicitor and maybe look at various kinds of shared or rented housing, get a few real facts in place, also a lot more outside interests would be a good idea. Although mid sixties is not old for some people for others it is a time when life slows down. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Living together like this is very hard I know as I did it for 13 months, I made the break and you should too, of course there’s going to be hurt but it’s the best thing I ever did, it’s not fair on either of you make the break after taking legal advice, don’t live with regret life’s too short

I can’t speak from personal experience but, had a friend who, after 50+ years, decided she could no longer cope with living with her husband (he was abusive). She contacted the council and was housed n a lovely flat designed for older people but, not wardened. Until the house was sold, she lived on her pension and some benefits. She said it was the best thing she ever did and really blossomed.

It might be worth speaking to Age UK or CAB for advice. I do hope everything works out for you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

05Debutante
Can I suggest that, before making any decisions, you pay a visit to your local Citizens Advice bureau or give them a call. They are very used to situations like yours and could help you look at options, for example they could do a benefit check to see how you would stand financially if you sold the house and looked at renting somewhere for yourself. You may be entitled to pension credit if you only have a small pension and housing benefit,that may even pay your rent if you have a small income as well as council tax support. You may be surprised at what you might be entitled to. Your husband could do the same but he would have to go to a different bureau as they wouldn't be able to advise both of you.
Hope this helps.

Over the years, in the course of my work, I met a number of long term married couples who had found ways to live separate lives without formally separating. Many of them were of an older generation that couldn't accept for personal or religious reasons the idea of separation or divorce. In some instances they had created actual physical divisions in their houses (eg. bricking up doorways) that gave them separate bedrooms and living spaces.

Others who had holiday homes or caravans somewhere worked out (often quite unconsciously it seemed) their plans so they were rarely, if ever, in the same place at the same time. I was frequently impressed with how creative they had been in living quite separate lives without ever acknowledging to themselves or others that they were actually living apart.

Times have changed and living separate lives isn't such a challenging idea. Given your financial circumstances could something like this work for you? You become housemates, maybe still friends but no longer a couple and all the expectations that implies. Would it be possible to negotiate a version of this with your husband and start to live the life you would like? Just some food for thought. Good luck. ?

i stayed in a marriage 27 years,mostly miserably,after a short period of time i started to educated myself, look at myself and life etc,my ex stayed still.It was a codependent relationship,it has taken a heavy toll on me,i fortunately got out only because my ex ran off with someone! it scares me to think if it wasn't for that we may be still together. You could live separately
,but for it to work ,would there be 2 separate front doors? what would happen if either of you met someone?
Ive a couple of friends who walked away from property ownership and went into social housing,on the whole they
have more peace of mind.Too many people stay stuck in miserable relationships ,as you know life is short,good luck.

A late in life divorce after long marriage is both economically and emotionally devastating, especially if there are insufficient assets to provide for reasonable standard of living for both parties.
Firstly find out exactly what you are entitled to out of existing matrimonial assets and liabilities and pensions. The starting point is 50:50 for long marriage in negotiations. Then assess your future income and needs. Until you know where you stand, you can't really make any decisions yet. At this stage do not worry about children's possible inheritance as they have no legal entitlement to anything, and can only have what is left to them. Most children would not wish you to be miserable if you have other choices, but whatever you decide to do may come as a shock to them.

Living separately in a shared house is extremely emotionally taxing, especially for givers living with takers and doesn't really give you any freedom to form new close relationship if that is what you intend to do, and also you will need to reach an agreement on future bills/cost shares. You are not the only decision maker in this situation, and also need to bear in mind that your husband may be difficult to deal with, whether you stay or leave him, which is another reason need to find out your entitlements, and what you are going to do for future income in case he eventually wants to divorce you. .A state pension doesn't go far if you are renting, as the rent levels for housing benefit single people are very low, usually set a less than market rent for one bedroom flat.

Whatever you do do not rely on meeting someone who can provide a magic wand to whisk you away to a happier place. It is usually easier to obtain a clean break from your marriage without the complications of infidelity entering the equation.

If you decide to carry on as you are, do widen your circle of friends and activities to fill the intellectual gaps and to dilute the boredom, frustration and resentment building up. Your husband probably feels powerless to deal with your inevitable resentment if staying with him in the same house is the only option, as you may be unable to conceal this much longer.

Debutante, so many couples are in this situation and they're both miserable. If, as you write, he is a "good, honest, hardworking man", he wouldn't be taking you for granted and gratifying solely his own needs. I married a persona that disappeared at the 5 year point. I stuck it out in spite of his nasty remarks, flirting with a neighbour and on a few occasions doing deliberately dangerous things that would have looked like accidents had he been successful, but which would have totally harmed, if not killed me.

One thing I would say, he may turn seriously hostile once separation begins. The solicitor I did hire told me there's always one in a divorce that asks, "who is that person?". That was before that solicitor began to put into play tactics that would have forced the sale of the house to pay their excess fees. I ditched the solicitor, became a litigant in person and the agreement as it stands is in my favour because he got up to some financial irregularities and I had all the proof. If the house had been sold, I'd have lost any profit paying private rent.

I totally understand your concern about leaving something for your children, particularly as one has ill-health. I also understand those that have said think about your happiness first. It is a balance you'll find.

Living together but apart would possibly work if you could sell the house and buy one with an annexe. Even then, you would still have to have dealings with that person you may be better off without.

Sadgrandma's advice first rate - and you might also think about going to your nearest (social) housing advice centre or office to see what options they might be able to offer you there. If a relationship breakdown means you can't afford to buy another place on your own, or afford to rent something reasonable which meets your needs in the private sector, you may be entitled (after the split) because of age,disability, and local connection factors to be allocated a flat or small bungalow - depends what there is in your area and the demand for both.The rent for this should be affordable - i.e. covered by housing benefit if provided by the council or a housing association.

Find out anyway before you take any irreversible steps - and make sure you see/talk to a professionally qualified housing officer as well as a solicitor - the solicitor should ideally be one who knows about housing law. SHELTER also a good bet for housing advice if you find yourself in a tricky situation- and their advice is free. Good luck.

I held on to a very unhappy marriage, for too long, and if I were you, it's time to move on, yes it's difficult, but you only have one life. If you had of told me, that I will go on and get a degree and have peace of mind, I would not believe you, but it's true !.
Good luck to you.

My husband and I are both on our second marriage. Very shortly into the marriage, I realized he is extremely OCD. I knew living together would absolutely not work. So, I moved back into my former residence, and he lives in his own house. We text and chat occasionally on the phone thru the week, and spends Saturday nights with me at my place. We go to church, date, and enjoy family functions together. We will be married 7 years this December, and it has worked out perfectly. I wouldnt want it any other way. Just an option you may want to consider for your own self preservation, and it could possibly even revive your relationship. Good luck to you.

I agree with Spice101 "Why are people so insistent on leaving what they have to their children?"
This is your life, you only get one shot at it and you should not sacrifice your happiness for the sake of leaving something to your children.
In many cases by the time children inherit they will have decent jobs, somewhere to live and are often better off than their parents. Odds are that they will lose some to inheritance tax and it will need to be split between them.
It may be possible to do a joint purchase with a housing association or join some other scheme that will enable you to get your own place.

I'm not really sure what you think you will achieve by separating but still living together. On one hand you appear to be looking towards a loving relationship with someone else. How would that work if you stay under the same roof. Are you expecting to bring a boyfriend home for the night? How are you hoping to afford this carefree life? Will you be looking for maintenance, earning a living or will you be living off benefits? Presumably your husband will have his own expenses and if you are separated you won't want to be going cap in hand to him for money to have these good times. Will you be ok if your husband finds a new partner and has nowhere else to take her? At what point do you say, we've both moved on and need to change the status quo?
I was much younger when I tried to do this with my ex husband and he just couldn't handle it. It became a point scoring battle with him taking pot shots at my pillow with an air rifle whilst I was out. Very frightening and not the man I thought I knew. I moved out and did battle from afar.
How do you think you are going to negotiate all this with a man who uses silent to deal with emotional upheaval? That is going to be a mountain to climb!!
It sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it. I don't mean that in a nasty way. At some point you will have to make a decision about what sacrifice you are prepared to make to feel you are living your best life.
I wonder whether your dysfunctional childhood has been truly addressed. If I were you, I would find a good counsellor to work with to ensure that you have worked through your issues and are in the best place to make such life changing decisions. If nothing else, it will be additional support in a very difficult situation.
Incidentally, you do not have to have sex with a man you don't wish to. Maybe being open in a kind way about what you want in the bedroom. I find it incredible that after 46 years, you still feel you have to be subtle about what you want to be satisfied. You can be open without criticism. There's a world of difference with "You're selfish in bed," to "Ooh, more of that please," or "I'd really like it if we tried this..."
It sounds like you could be your worst enemy and he suffers from the same affliction. At the end of this conundrum if you work through your issues, you will come out the other side with the tools to make another relationship work if that is what you want. Whilst you are working on yourself, you might find that you feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel which will make you feel happier too. If this post sounds like I am putting all the onus on you, it is not meant to sound like that. I really want you to be happy and the failure of any marriage is rarely a one way street. Good luck.

I should have added, if your house is jointly owned, you can get in touch with Land Registry to get it altered to 'Tenants in Common' and then make a new will leaving your half to your children.

I think what you are looking for is "peace". Peace for your mind and soul - not having that tense, annoyed feeling all the time. I'm afraid the only way is to not have to live with it on a daily basis @wildswan16 has really summed it up there.

icanhandthemback that's awful, mine tried to hedgetrim my arm off and drop logs and shed panels on me. Again, not the man I thought I knew and he was convinced he was a noble, trustworthy, loyal person...my foot.

If you have savings of more than £16,000, you will have to rent private.

I also agree with using any money you have for yourself. Also I think funeral prepayment is a good idea too. I would urge you to get legal advice and to explore housing associations and also almshouses, which are another type of social housing. I have some experience of the latter and there are some lovely properties which vet their residents/tenants and keep the buildings in good repair at affordable rents. Good luck .

Your life sounds like mine. I am now getting divorced and house is under offer. Even if I have to rent I decided that as much as I love my home living in it with a man who irritates the life out of me is making me miserable so house had to go. We tried the separate lives same house but was never going to work.

Some really good advice on here Debutante. A close friend of mine was in a similar situation. Eventually she left her husband of 37 yrs and lived in rented accommodation until their house sold. She didn’t have enough to buy another property but instead bought a caravan on a residential site. She couldn’t be happier now and has made her caravan into a cosy little home. Just another thought for you. Wishing you well. ?

So much good advice already. Just to add what I did... left after 34 years, secured a very good solicitor, bought a cottage with my half of our house sale, found I couldn't afford to maintain it because the divorce took its toll on me and I couldn't earn enough to cover basic living costs. Daughter suggested I rented and... well, I've never looked back! Sold cottage, gave a good dollop of money to my 3 kids as their inheritance, moved all over the place like an extended Gap year. I've had such fun. Living on my state pension, that's all, so no car or fancy holidays, but I'm so glad I did it all, though it wasn't easy. Have finally settled in one place cos of my grandkids. Went from huge Georgian townhouse, affluent lifestyle, running a business, to one bed flat with almost no disposable income. Saved my sanity and got my life back. Good luck with whatever decision you make.