Not good enough for my daughter?

And there really is no need for you to apologise - you could say you are sorry that you had different expectations and perhaps you could discuss it so that things go right next time.

It's all down to unrealistic expectations and a lack of honest communication. I agree Hetty, communication is the key. Saying 'you haven't done enough to help' is insufficient. You have to say what help you need/would like and if that's going to be doable for the person you're asking.

I think it is important not to interpret it as you being "not good enough" - all that has happened is that you both had different expectations about a particular situation. This happens all the time and the only way through is to talk about it and sort it out.

Definitely ask her what she had wanted you to do. After a long drive on your own surely she understood how you felt? I’m sure we are none us truly ourselves at present. Fret not and look after yourself.

That's clearly not what I said Smileless

It's all down to unrealistic expectations and a lack of honest communication. A good long discussion is needed.

I'd be exhausted after a 5.5 hour journey - even as a passenger! I'd much rather go by train. Still, I'd need a nap when I arrived.

Not sure how realistic it is that a GM could have trampled over her D to get to her GC when they're a 5.5 hour drive away.

It's a shame when posters are trying to be supportive that there is no response from the OP. Happens quite a bit.

Exactly Bluebell! So much missing from the post , was it a day visit, a week! What was she supposed to do from a distance of almost 6 hours. I would not drive that far for a day, I would be in bits, I don't know anyone that would. The older I get the less I want to drive any distances except within 20/30 miles and that's daytime, certainly not in the dark. I would be very hurt and upset at being treated like an unwanted visitor, but she woukd know that.

Are you a new poster gardenrose ?
This was posted two days ago and gardenrose hasn’t been back so you may be talking to yourselves

These days youngsters get more financial help with childcare, when mine were young we got no help at all. They also seem to be under the impression that we should be available and forget we have a life of their own. I would leave it for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

That made me laugh Beeny

She’s probably menopausal,don’t worry time will heal the problem———-just say what can I help with next time,good luck.You did very well to do that long drive.

I think too many parents have trampled over their children when the grandchildren turn up and we are seeing the direct result of the many horror stories (and they are horror stories) that go around.

Newer generations feel they have to set boundaries to avoid future problems.

The blame for that is on those who trampled all over their children.

That just about sums it up for a lot of GP's Beeny.

Got it in a nutshell Beeny! But not, fortunately, for all of us.

So, I'm a bit confused here... In my short time on Gransnet I've worked out that as grandparents we are to offer no opinions on any aspect of baby care, child rearing or schooling. "Keep your mouth shut, they're not your children, you've had your turn". (And that was from GPs).
We are not to visit unless invited, especially in the first month, and God forbid we break that rule. We are completely at the mercy of our adult children when it comes to seeing our grandchildren.
However, we are expected to be prepared to support them financially, act as unpaid childcare when it suits them, and finally, as if that wasn't enough, do chores when we do get to visit!!
How the Hell did it get this messed up? Unbelievable! Someone somewhere must be having a right laugh at our expense, and I think it might be our oh so entitled children. Sigh.
Back under my parapet....

You have to drive for over 5 hours to visit your daughter so really at your (our) age she shouldn't be expecting you to help when you get there. I visit my daughter, just over 2 hours away and quite frankly the last thing I want to do when I get there is to start doing things, just want a cup of tea and a chat.
Your daughter is an adult now and should realise that your energy levels are not the same as hers, talk to her find out what help she expected and if its physical work then remind her of how tired you get driving that distance.

I do sympathise with you on this. It is something that affected me when I shielded for 3 months with my daughter and family recently. I got up her nose because I tried to be TOO helpful.

I think we mothers can't really win whatever we do.

In the end I had 3 main jobs and they were Dogs ( feeding walking and general care) Ironing and the Dishwasher. At least I knew where I was once those duties were established.

Try to get her to be clear.

Does she acknowledge that it's a long drive ? Do you get the chance to rest after the journey ?

All the very best.

I am guessing that she is talking about the fact that she felt that you didn't help her during your visit, be it washing up, making coffee, cleaning, even laundry which to me is quite strange!
When you are a guest in someone else's house, it is not always easy to help with things in case you do it wrong! Why on earth did she not say to you either before you went or when you had arrived something like "Mum, while you are here staying with us, would you mind doing xyz?" . Maybe MiL just walks in and takes over so DD just assumed that while you were there, you would do the same - even after a 5 and a half hour drive!
I'm afraid that if you go and stay at someone elses house, you are a guest and the host does most of what is needed - seems DD got the idea it should be the other way round!

So many people are so very stressed at the moment and may seem over-sensitive - we all are in some degree.

I would just say to her that you were not aware of what her needs are and you are happy to do all you can if she would like to discuss it with you. But in the end if she is asking things that you cannot do for practical reasons, you may not be able to do as she wants - but perhaps also enter the discussion with some ideas of your own that you might be able to suggest when she has had her say.

Above everything else do not allow "other gran" considerations to get into the discussion - whatever you feel on that score is absolutely best left unsaid.

At 67 I am 10 yrs younger than Dd's mother in law. Her son always moans that hiss mum doesn't do enough on visits! I always point out that she is older and in poor health, the trip there alone is enough to put her in bed for a few days! They live in Australia!!

Most of the posters have said everything, and a few things I agree with are that a 5.5 journey is tiring, and you would have needed a rest after that. Also these days the younger mums are often looking for hands on help with cleaning etc. I would do my share to help my daughter and do not mind but then I also get asked if I could help with a few groceries. Like the original poster I have then been told I do not help enough.
I set my boundaries these days and "do what I can manage"
and if my daughter wants a cleaner I have told her to put an advert in the local shop for one. I am not getting any younger and I have my own home to run as well.

Just a thought - Could she have meant help financially? Had her MIL been helping financially during lockdown? I know some of my AC and their families have been struggling on 80% pay whilst on furlough. Two were very pleased (when we visited for the first time since lockdown) and arrived with a full meal ready to pop in the oven for all of us. I think they had been worrying about the cost of extra mouths to feed.

Er, what was the husband doing? Isn’t he also responsible for sharing household chores and child care?

It sounds like she was expecting a visit from Mary Poppins rather than her mum!