Adopted children finding birth mothers.

I have an adopted cousin who is rather strange and very few of the family like him. His adoptive parents were wonderful to him, and he was happy, but when he was about 18 he successfully tracked down his birth mother. She travelled to his home to meet him and his parents. Unfortunately the meeting did not go well and my cousin and his birth mother never met again.

I have 2 cousins that were adopted - both fully aware as they always had 2 celebrations - one for their actual birthday and another the day they were adopted.
When they both turned 21, they were both given the option of looking for their birth parents. 1 of them said he had no wish to as he regarded his adoptive parents as the only ones, the other said "Why should I? They didn't want me!" . Both were given files with all the info in, just in case they changed their minds
Year later, both adoptive parents had died. Unfortunately there was a big fall out between the two over the estate of their father .
My female cousin decided to look for her birth mother after all and actually found that she was part of a much larger family. She cut off all contact with her adoptive families relations that she had grown up with as well as her adopted brother.
I only found that out when I found her on facebook - I lost contact with her after her first marriage broke down - after I was in contact with her for about 6 months, I got an email from her where she stated that she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me or any of the rest of my family as I was no longer anything else to do with her family anymore - she had a family and us "borrowed family members" were no longer wanted or needed!

My niece, 16 years younger than me, was given documents when she reached a certain age. She didn’t do anything for some years. Eventually she started to investigate but, by then, my sister....her birth mother.....had died. Tracking further she found my sister’s first husband and, eventually me. She has been in our lives since then. She even lived with us for three years. Now married and lives in the next town. She found she had three half brothers, an aunt and uncle. My mother didn’t really want anything to do with her. I believe that may be a guilt thing. Even though my niece was put for adoption before the age of one she has many actions and reactions similar to my sister.

I was adopted in the 50s by the most wonderful parents you could imagine. As others have mentioned, as I got older and had my own family, I felt I needed to know where I had come from. I got hold of my original birth certificate and was surprised that my birth mother was an older mum. In the midst of my search, I received a phone call from a man who said he was my brother and was aware of my search. He explained that my birth mother was dead but I had three older brothers, one of which had also died. He also gave me details of extended family and grandparents. My birth mother had kept 2 of her children but had the other 2 adopted. To cut a long story short, I have been in touch with my brother who was adopted and we have a lovely relationship. I am also in contact with cousins. Sadly, the brother who phoned me died before we had a chance to meet. My search was full of highs and lows but I'm so glad I did it. Lovely to see family resemblances. I was so lucky to have such wonderful adoptive parents and they will always be my mum and dad.

A few years back I was contacted by someone through a genealogy site who had identified me as being related to their birth family and turned out to be an unknown cousin. I then had to explain to my cousin that she had a sibling she was unaware of. It was a very challenging time for her and her other siblings and most were very upset. Their mother had died some years earlier which I think was for the best. As I was the only family member in the same country as unknown cousin, I sort of provided a link I suppose and for sometime their family and mine were close and as other posters have said it was rather disconcerting to see characteristics of our mutual grandparents and their birth mother in this person who I had only just met. Sadly, there was a falling out between us and we now just exchange Christmas cards.

Everyone has the right to know who they are, and adopted children should be told as much information as possible. However, wanting to meet their mother is understandable, but not always wise. The mother should be asked if she wishes to meet her child and given the option to refuse.

DGD2 and DGS (siblings) were taken by the court at birth for adoption and have always known about their birth family, and are in occasional contact with some of their older brothers and sisters. When DGD2, a drama queen, falls out with her mother she declares she is off to live with her birth mother. At 14 this is not going to happen, but her mother simply says “good luck with that!” and lets it go. I have no doubt that at 18 she will want to meet her birth family and that it will be a huge let down, but she will then be old enough to read the file which explains why she was adopted. Of the seven children ahead of our two, five were adopted, one chose long term fostering, and the oldest is said to be back with the parents.

I understand why someone needs to know who they are, but it must be painful for adoptive parents to have their love and care put on the back burner while the adopted child goes through this painful and difficult process, especially if it doesn’t end well.

ladymuck Birth family do have the right to refuse to meet. A colleague spent a long time tracing her bm when she did the bm said she had no wish to see her or even talk. Colleague took it very badly I don't think she had even considered this and certainly not prepared for it. It was a long time before she got over the feelings of rejection.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I traced my birth mother and the heartbreak it caused me when she didn’t want to know me was horrendous, possibly one of the worse things I’ve experienced. When she died I contacted three of her other four children.. it turned out that I was the second of her children and it still makes me wonder what was wrong with me that she had to have me adopted but kept the others? I guess a different father. Anyway, I met the brother and felt nothing but guilt towards my wonderful Mum and Dad. I went on to meet two of the others and whilst they were absolutely lovely towards me and my family, they really could not have been kinder, for me there was always an elephant in the room, our mother and I would feel quite distressed after our meetings. I therefore took the decision to cut off all ties. I moved house and didn’t tell them where we had moved to. I eventually told my brothers from the family I had grown up in and expected them to be horrified at what I’d done, but they were so understanding. The lesson I learnt was that whilst the gaping hole that'I’d always felt was filled by completing my quest but in truth your family are the people you grew up with and have shared memories. I was lucky, I had a wonderful childhood, not much money but a lot of fun and love. If I was ever asked by an adopted person should they trace their birth family I would advise them to take great caution.

It is essential to find your birth parents to see if you have any genetic health conditions, also there is always a need to find your history. My mother was adopted but did not find out till she was 14 and she was traumatised. There is always a need to know.

I feel awful posting this, as it is only loosely related to the original post but here goes:

My husband was adopted in the mid '50s. He never showed any interest in looking for his birth mother. He was brought up in a secure family and was even the favourite grandchild of his father's mother. I get the impression that his birth grandmother was very attached to him and each year until his 4th birthday sent a present via the adoption agency, until my mother in law asked the agency to stop this. In 1975, when the law allowed adopted children to see their original birth certificates, our first child was born and in the euphoria my husband voiced an interest in his genealogy. However, he was not at all happy about having to see a counsellor and thought that was another level of interference, rightly or wrongly so put it out of his mind.

I have been researching family trees for some years, made profoundly easier by the internet age - and I have done quite a few. My father in law once told me the birth mother's name. Years later out of curiosity I traced my husband's birth certificate online and sent for a copy after my in laws had passed away. I have had it hidden for the last 6 years and have no idea what to do with it. He was born in a church run single mother and baby home, no father named on the certificate. I have no idea about birth mum's life but feel so sorry for her, I think the info could upset my husband, and he is 67 so his birth mother would be in her 80s. We have children and grandchildren so this is part of their history too.

I can see problems as in former times the vast majority of children were adopted as they were born 'illegitimate' and it was so hard for a single mother to keep the child. Often they were forced to give up the baby by well meaning others. Now, sadly, a lot of children are adopted because the parents just can't care for their children adequately or are neglectful to the point of cruelty. There are women who continue to give birth despite having had several children taken into care due to severe neglect, only to have those removed sometimes at birth.
I understand that the child will have counselling if choosing to seek birth parents but I do wonder if anything can prepare a child for parents who quite clearly should never have given birth.

I am adopted too and always knew from small. I didn't look for my birth parents until I had my own children. I did eventually track down my original birth certificate as my mother had been in a Mother and Baby home in Glasgow. I discovered that she had lived in a town only 10 miles from where I was brought up. We visited this town regularly for shopping. I discovered that her mother had died before I was born, she then had remarried, less than a year after having me and had a son who aged with my adopted sister. I got his address but have never had the courage to go any further as I discovered she had died. I have hit a dead end since then. I would have loved to ask so many questions regarding my father (unknown), any siblings etc. I have left my details on adopted sites, but to no avail. I don't have the courage to go any further as I would hate to turn up on some strangers doorstep and announce who I am, as I know adoptees where they have not met with a welcome reception. I envy those that have managed to do so and am happy that it has turned out so well for them.

When I was living abroad back in the seventies an ex-pat friend of mine there traced her birth mother in the UK and, as I was due for a home visit, asked me to go and see her. I did, found she was a lovely lady who later came out to visit her daughter, and they had a great relationship. My friend also met her uncle and cousins with whom she has continuing excellent contact now her birth mother has died.
I know it doesn't always work out that way but in this instance it was extremely successful.

I’m a birth mother. I was in an Unmarried Mothers’ hostel in 1961. Adoption of my baby son was arranged by a well known Society. Thirty years later I received a letter from the Society. It was unclear and I couldn’t understand what it was about, so I wrote back and said so. Apparently it was written by a Society worker because my son wanted to meet me and the Society was conscious of how carefully this had to be approached. I never imagined any problems (I’m a bit naive) so when we finally met I flung my arms around him and we hugged, before we even said hello. He’s been a joy in my life for the past 27 years. We’re very lucky.

I would like to tell my full story as it is a happy one (both with my adoptive parents and contact with my half-brother) but I understand the thread can be picked up by the press and used for articles. I would say I am so grateful to have had two great parents who told me from an early age (although not the full story) and was brought up within a very large family circle. I did research after my Mum and Dad had passed away and am so thankful as I discovered I was advertised "for boarding out or adoption" at 4 weeks and if boarded out an allowance would be paid. I could have ended up anywhere - no social services back then.

I have 5 adopted children. The eldest was adopted in Australia and at that time the law there was that adopted children could not have details of their birth parents at any time. He has never had any wish to make contact as he says a mother is the person who brings you up through thick and thin not the person who gave birth to you. I thought he might change his mind when he had children of his own but he didn't. The other 4 are a sibling group and do the elder 3 knew their mother and at first we met with her at regular intervals until her behaviour got too bad because of her illness poor dear. For years until she died I sent her a video on her birthday of their events during the year. One of the siblings has had two of her children taken away at birth and both have been adopted by the same couple. I think they are very brave considering they have a 50% chance of inheriting the defective gene too.

My cousin adopted two children and the daughter decided she wanted to trace her birth mother when she was in her early 20s. It caused a lot of upset with her parents. But her birth mother had been married and the father was not her husband so she had had her put up for adoption. At first everything was sweet with the birth mother but eventually her true nature came out and my young cousin was very upset. The the relationship between my cousin and her daughter never really got back to what it was before.

To add to my above post; I knew a young man who had been fostered and subsequently adopted. He traced his birth mother but did not involve social services. Sadly , he discovered that she was, to put it bluntly, evil. He killed himself as he could not cope with, what he saw as , being rejected twice. I think also that the reality of her abuse of him when he was a baby left him unable to cope with life. I still feel so sad for him; he was a lovely young man but his poor start in life left him unable to be resilient.

So there are some happier stories here, and its clear that birth mothers and adopted children want to bear witness to their experiences. Could I just say to @Tilly712 you can get an intermediary to act for you, this is normally done through a charity as only certainly people can act as intermediaries. If you google "post adoption services" you should find something, there are a couple of organisations in Scotland too.

I was adopted in Littleborough in 1959 by parents who wanted a sister for their 2 year old daughter. I was always told of my adoption and have made enquiries into finding my birth mother in the past, but drawn a blank. My childhood was OK. Money certainly wasn't a problem, but my mum was not very maternal and was jealous of the love shown to us by our father. Although I do feel part of my adoptive family and am really close to my sister, I have always felt slightly distanced from other members who never did anything to make me feel this. I think only anyone who has been adopted can relate to this feeling and now I have my own grown up children and young grandchildren I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Its as if a whole new bloodline has been started. My son and daughter can see where they came from which I could never do. It may be too late to try and trace my birth mother now as she may not still be alive but I keep dipping into online records to see if I can find a match for her name.

Our foster daughter was left in care after her birth. (She came to us at 18 months old but we weren't allowed to adopt her as she is black and we are white and the Social Services said we could not maintain her black heritage. I did ask about her white heritage as she is mixed race, but was assured that did not matter!)

Our daughter desperately wanted to find her birth mother when she was in her teens and she was told by her Social Worker that her mother was in the local mental hospital. She promptly went there, unknown to us, and said she had come to see her mother - disastrous! She later got a Christmas card from her mother saying that she never wanted to see her again - more misery.

Later, her Uncle came and asked to see her - a continuing friendly relationship began. Through him she found her other uncles and aunts and keeps in touch.

the moment she sees her mother occasionally when her mother is able to cope. I think she just felt so guilty, inadequate and resentful that contacting her daughter is just too difficult. However, she persevered and our daughter has come to terms with the situation. Now there are occasional meetings and things have settled.

Good luck, give it a try when you are feeling strong enough and I hope all goes well for you.

My brothers and I always knew we had an older brother who had been adopted. My mother was forced into it, made to go into a Covent aged 17 to have the baby and she breast fed him until he was six weeks old then he was taken from her. She never stopped hoping he would get in touch and luckily he did. It was amazing how quickly he became part of our family albeit from a distance, he lives up North. He felt like my brother from day 1. There was an obvious connection between all of us. Sadly mum died twelve years ago but the rest of us are in touch.

My husband traced the family. It turned out my mum had died three years earlier. I did meet my aunt and some cousins. That was it. I got lots of medical history which was helpful. Had a brief correspondence with a half sibling. They didn’t know about me for sure. They had heard from my mum’s husband after she died, but they didn’t believe him. My mum obviously never mentioned me. I thought it best left alone after that.

I was adopted as a baby, started looking for information as soon as I could at 18 and made contact in my early 30s after having my children. We are still in touch many years later, have met once and talk on the phone every couple of months.
My adoptive parents told me I was adopted when I was very young but never followed through with more info so I knew that I was different but didn’t really understand why. My brother (parents’ natural son) obviously knew and taunted me with it. There was a major row when I was 18 and it has never been mentioned since!
The social worker who helped me make initial contact advised me to tell my parents but I was very definite that I wasn’t going to say anything unless they specifically asked, which they have never done.
I had a good childhood but it has definitely affected my life.