Adopted children finding birth mothers.

I had a baby at 19, in 1968, who was adopted as I couldn’t take care of him. He went to a lovely family who sent the social worker regular updates and she was allowed to send them on to my mum and me, and we sent birthday cards and letters which the SW forwarded to the new parents so he could access them
if he asked. When he was 40 he made contact by letter. His adoptive mum was a little uncomfortable with us meeting up ( it happens) and he respects her wishes, so we’ve never met or spoken in the phone, but we’ve texted and sent photos to each other for over 10 years now. I’m happy to know he’s happy, and that he doesn’t blame me, and he’s happy to know the full story and that I loved him and still do, and that my family know about him and that he would be welcome here. He’s married with a child now, she’s 7, and doesn’t know about me . One day she will, and I can wait. The relationship we have is enough for us both. It must be awful for those families who are disappointed or who don’t have the contact, or who find out their birth mum has passed away. We both feel blessed we’ve found each other and are happy with the way things are .

I was adopted in 1954 at eight weeks. I always knew that I had been adopted and when the Children's Act came into being in 1975 I applied for my original birth certificate which gave me my birth mother's name and my place of birth. Using electoral rolls I eventually tracked an aunt who lived locally and social services contacted her on my behalf. I met with her and other aunts and was welcomed into the family. My birth mother had emigrated to Australia in 1969 with her husband (not my father but he knew all about me) and their two sons We began writing to each other. In 1990 I travelled to Australia to meet her and my new Australian family!
Sadly she died in 1992 and we lost contact but then in 2006 my niece found me on Facebook and contact resumed! Since then I have visited six times, my Australian family has grown as children have been born and we are affectionately known as the Poms!
I was a volunteer intermediary for NORCAP who undertook searches and reunions for adopted adults, siblings and birth families. Some of the cases worked out really well with all parties happy with the reunion but there were some that were not and as intermediary I had to help the disappointed clients come to terms with the result but also take the flak from the other party who did not want contact.
I have been incredibly lucky in my own search but I would counsel anyone looking for their long lost family to use intermediary services to act on their behalf.

Friends daughter sought to find her biological mother. Found her to have gone on to have and look after 3 more children. Devastated that she was the first yet was put up for adoption. The girl turned to drugs, had two children, her adoptive parents continued to support her but eventually children were taken into care, Adoptive parents eventually becoming guardians. The girl disappeared from their life. Have another friend whose son is adopted. He declared when a teenager he would never want to contact his biological mother. On carrying he also stated there wiukd be no children in case his wife happened to be related without the families' knowledge.

Not quite following the OP's line, but following on from Iam64 my daughter is a foster carer and is always given a lot of information about the birth family. In some cases the children are in contact with their siblings and even see their mothers, but most seem to understand why they are in care, appreciate why this has happened and accept that they cannot live with their birth mothers.
She plans to adopt next year, probably young siblings, and I know that she has every intention of making sure that they know about their birth family and the reasons that they have been adopted.
I agree with others that things have changed over the years. In earlier years single mothers were often forced to give children up for adoption, whereas today it is much more likely that they come from a family where they have been neglected, abused, or the mother is simply not capable of looking after the child(ren). This makes it much more difficult should the adoptee choose to find their birth mother. Will she tell the truth about what happened or will she try to come between the child and their adoptive parents?
Also childrens' services do try initially to find somebody within the birth family to take the children into their home, so there might be an element of guilt within the family that this has not been possible.
I think all this makes it more problematic for adopted children finding their birth mothers than it was in the days when children were unwillingly given up.

@wicklowwinnie are you coming back to your thread to tell us why you asked and what your experience is?

I should have mentioned that although I did most of the tracing groundwork myself, when it came to actually making contact I went through NORCAP whom provide valuable guidance.

We adopted our daughter in 1967. Her mother, we were told, was 17, and rejected by her parents. She has always known that she was adopted. Funnily enough she has never wanted to trace her family, but I would love to meet them. I suppose that I feel a slight sense of guilt for taking her child, and wonder if she has hoped, all these years, that they will be reunited. I also speculate if her parents may have married, as we were told that they had been engaged.
My DD had two miscarriages due to an unrecognised genetic blood condition. It’s sad to think that this may not have happened if they had found each other. Happily, the problem was finally found, and she had two children successfully.
In “Find my Family” there is always a ‘happy ever after’ ending. From reading everyones’ comments On here, it obviously isn’t always the case. Maybe my daughter is right to let things lie, but I will always wonder about her birth family.

mrsnonsmoker. I have been doing telephone befriending and was told the story on one of the calls. She has given me permission to relate it in the hope it might make some people think carefully about their actions.
Her child was born back in the days of unmarried mother's homes.
The child was the result of an incestuous rape in her own family!!
As you can imagine, when the adopted child discovered the truth it was very traumatic for her.
It wasn't her birth mother who told her the truth but another member of the family felt she ought to know.
Very unpleasant thing to do and has caused enormous upset.
Her birth mother was out at the time!

I find that very disrespectful of all those who have contributed their stories. So its not your own experience, but you wanted to use someone else's experience as a "cautionary tale"?! What a horrible thing to do.

You asked "Has anyone any experience of where this has been successful and ended in a satisfactory relationship long-term?" - so you are saying you didn't actually want an answer to that question at all, and you have no direct experience yourself whatsoever, but you wanted to "warn" all us silly adoptees about the possible error of our ways?!

Anyone could deduce that searching like that might cause problems, that's why its always best to use an intermediary and get the statutory counselling first - maybe the moral of this is that these requirements and services should be more widely advertised so that people can make a more informed decision.

So now some of us have been daft enough, me included, to reveal our own stories on here what will you do with the information? I'd have to really question your motives as a befriender too based on what you've done here - talk about idle curiosity, I think it was unkind to start a thread like this just so as you could tell us you knew of someone who was born as a result of incest.

* As you can imagine, when the adopted child discovered the truth it was very traumatic for her.*

It would have been, but surely she was spoken to by the GRO when she applied for her original certificate

They are very careful and would not have given details out without a lot of consultations and support.

I have been found by a sister who I didn't I had.Apparently she had been looking for my mother for thirty years.Unfortunately by the time she found me,only in January this year, Mum had been dead for fifteen years.I was totally bewildered as to why Mum hadn't told me anything about her having been born and adopted.She now lives in N.Z.so I'm not likely to actually meet her,but we Skype frequently.She looks very much like my Mum,and I feel we would probably get on well.

wicklowwinnie, what is a "telephone befriender"?
You say you heard about a terrible incident in the life of one family because of your role as a telephone befriender. I what you say is true, even if the person you 'befriended' over the phone gave permission for you to share their tragedy, surely confidentiality in any role involving people should have prevented you doing that.

I think it’s wonderful for adopted children to find their birth parents. However I wonder if all the programmes on TV take it a bit far sometimes. Sadly my daughter can’t have children and she and her husband are put off adoption not only because of the torturous adoption process (which they started) but also because they feel they could not cope with a child they love and care for suddenly finding someone ‘real’ and realising ‘something has always been missing in my life’ as finding lost parents is often portrayed on such shows. I think that a more positive programme about the positive relationships that can come out of adoption would be very helpful. Just my opinion don’t want to upset anyone

My parent's split up just after I was conceived and mum met my dad almost immediately. He adopted me and has never treated me any differently to my two sisters they subsequently had. I traced my Father when I was 25. He had never shown any interest in seeing me and had remarried and had a son and a daughter. His wife made it clear she didn't consider me family. We muddled along for about 15 years but then it fizzled out. Totally my decision. Sometimes it works out. I'm glad I met him but he was never my dad.

I wasn't exactly adopted, but as my birth was the result of my mum meeting a GI who (as my nana predicted) proved to be a married man with 2 small daughters, I was initially shuffled of to live with my aunt and uncle -she could not have children.

They eventually asked my mother if they could formally adopt me and apparently, she turned up unnanounced and just walked of with me. It must have been very traumatic as I have no memory of it or the next couple of years.

Long story short - a few years ago I decided to try and find my fathers family, as I had health problems which seemed totally alien to my mothers side of the family. Mother long dead by then. I found them via thier local newspaper in Missouri and have since met and visited. I have become very, very close to my nephew and my immediately oldest sister, who I adored on sight. Oldest sister a monster and hopefully, I will never have to see her again.

Other good news was that the selfish s.o.b who fathered me was long gone. Apparently, as soon as my mother told him she was pregnant he had himself returned to the states but never went back to his wife.

He was, as they say up north "a right piece of work".

I've never regreted looking for them, especially as it turned out that my health problems were common on that side of the family! By the way - I'm now in my 70's.

I was adopted at 10 weeks old. And I always new I was adopted. I tried to find my birth mother when my parents were both dead. I did go through an organisation (not sure which one). I had counselling first. I found out my birth mother had gone on to have 5 other children with her husband (not my dad).
We wrote to each other and exchanged photos, which eventually stopped. Non of her children contacted me, even though she told them about me.

So although it was interesting to find out. There was no happy reunion, like you see on the tv. But it’s nice to know my background.

I was brought up an only child as well. Who knows how my life would have turned out if I’d been part of my mothers large family.

Not sure how other adopted children feel. But for me, a feeling of rejection will always be part of me.

My auntie had to give up her first born a baby girl at birth and never forgot her. She went in the marry the girls father and had 3 boys and a baby girl that died at 3 days.

About 20 years ago through social services the girl now a woman with her own children contacted one of the boys - her Birth brother and they organised a reunion with the other two brothers (once coming back from Australia for the reunion) and their mum.

Everything went so well - my auntie was delighted to finally have her daughter back and life was good.

Unfortunately the daughter had battled with depression and about a year being back in touch she committed suicide so my auntie last her daughter got a 2nd time.

Our son traced his birth mother. Met her once and never saw or spoke to her again. That was almost 20 years ago. Our daughter has no interest in tracing her birth parents. She says having one set of parents is hard enough.

All adopted children are different. Some need to know and some do not. It works out for some but not for others. Our children were adopted as babies but always knew they were adopted . We even kept the names given by the birth parents so there was always a link. We now have grandchildren so doubly blessed.

I have an half sister who was put for adoption. I think mother had pressure put on her. I was passed to aunt when parents divorced and was always being reminded how lucky I was they took me in. A social worker said I talked like an adopted child. I would like to find my younger sister and know the routine but am nervous.
She was born in south of England July 1944. Still thinking.

We found out my mom's birth mother came from Scotland. My mom has been looking for 30 years. I did an Ancestry DNA test & found a half brother my mom never knew about.
When we went to meet the family last year - we where told he was brought up by his grandparents. In the late 70's he found out where she was living & travelled from Glasgow to Slough & was not made to feel very "welcome".
That was the last time he saw her.
I'm glad in a round about sort of way, my mom was saved from this. As the life she had with my nan was not very good either.

Our first child was adopted as a baby. I always made it clear to him that we would not object to his contacting his birth mother. Sadly, by the time he did so, she had died, but had surviving sisters whom he contacted. I advised him to enlist the help of a professional for contact, as it can be an emotional process, and this was useful.

I've never wanted to watch the tv programme about reuniting 'lost' relatives. I've only seen a couple of highlights on the advertisements for the programme. I may have misjudged it as a result but my impression was of heightened emotions, which of course can be expected. I don't feel it's an appropriate way to help people find their birth families or siblings. It's inevitably a process filled with heightened emotions, feelings of loss and possible rejection, possibly joy but no longer term certainties of anything.

I should have said - July 1943South of England.
People have seen me (son twice) but it wasn’t me. Makes me wonder.

My aunt adopted two children a boy and a girl, they knew from an early age that they were adopted as it was never a secret. The boys birth mother contacted him and they formed a casual but caring relationship. The girl was furious at this and has never wanted to meet or know anything about the woman who “threw her away” her words not mine.

mrsnonsmoker
I am so sorry I have offended you, please accept my apologies.
The lady in question has been greatly comforted by all the replies.
She asked me to pose the question and I did not mean to upset anyone.