Adopted children finding birth mothers.

@wicklowwinnie are you coming back to your thread to tell us why you asked and what your experience is?

Not quite following the OP's line, but following on from Iam64 my daughter is a foster carer and is always given a lot of information about the birth family. In some cases the children are in contact with their siblings and even see their mothers, but most seem to understand why they are in care, appreciate why this has happened and accept that they cannot live with their birth mothers.
She plans to adopt next year, probably young siblings, and I know that she has every intention of making sure that they know about their birth family and the reasons that they have been adopted.
I agree with others that things have changed over the years. In earlier years single mothers were often forced to give children up for adoption, whereas today it is much more likely that they come from a family where they have been neglected, abused, or the mother is simply not capable of looking after the child(ren). This makes it much more difficult should the adoptee choose to find their birth mother. Will she tell the truth about what happened or will she try to come between the child and their adoptive parents?
Also childrens' services do try initially to find somebody within the birth family to take the children into their home, so there might be an element of guilt within the family that this has not been possible.
I think all this makes it more problematic for adopted children finding their birth mothers than it was in the days when children were unwillingly given up.

Friends daughter sought to find her biological mother. Found her to have gone on to have and look after 3 more children. Devastated that she was the first yet was put up for adoption. The girl turned to drugs, had two children, her adoptive parents continued to support her but eventually children were taken into care, Adoptive parents eventually becoming guardians. The girl disappeared from their life. Have another friend whose son is adopted. He declared when a teenager he would never want to contact his biological mother. On carrying he also stated there wiukd be no children in case his wife happened to be related without the families' knowledge.

I was adopted in 1954 at eight weeks. I always knew that I had been adopted and when the Children's Act came into being in 1975 I applied for my original birth certificate which gave me my birth mother's name and my place of birth. Using electoral rolls I eventually tracked an aunt who lived locally and social services contacted her on my behalf. I met with her and other aunts and was welcomed into the family. My birth mother had emigrated to Australia in 1969 with her husband (not my father but he knew all about me) and their two sons We began writing to each other. In 1990 I travelled to Australia to meet her and my new Australian family!
Sadly she died in 1992 and we lost contact but then in 2006 my niece found me on Facebook and contact resumed! Since then I have visited six times, my Australian family has grown as children have been born and we are affectionately known as the Poms!
I was a volunteer intermediary for NORCAP who undertook searches and reunions for adopted adults, siblings and birth families. Some of the cases worked out really well with all parties happy with the reunion but there were some that were not and as intermediary I had to help the disappointed clients come to terms with the result but also take the flak from the other party who did not want contact.
I have been incredibly lucky in my own search but I would counsel anyone looking for their long lost family to use intermediary services to act on their behalf.

I had a baby at 19, in 1968, who was adopted as I couldn’t take care of him. He went to a lovely family who sent the social worker regular updates and she was allowed to send them on to my mum and me, and we sent birthday cards and letters which the SW forwarded to the new parents so he could access them
if he asked. When he was 40 he made contact by letter. His adoptive mum was a little uncomfortable with us meeting up ( it happens) and he respects her wishes, so we’ve never met or spoken in the phone, but we’ve texted and sent photos to each other for over 10 years now. I’m happy to know he’s happy, and that he doesn’t blame me, and he’s happy to know the full story and that I loved him and still do, and that my family know about him and that he would be welcome here. He’s married with a child now, she’s 7, and doesn’t know about me . One day she will, and I can wait. The relationship we have is enough for us both. It must be awful for those families who are disappointed or who don’t have the contact, or who find out their birth mum has passed away. We both feel blessed we’ve found each other and are happy with the way things are .

I was adopted as a baby, started looking for information as soon as I could at 18 and made contact in my early 30s after having my children. We are still in touch many years later, have met once and talk on the phone every couple of months.
My adoptive parents told me I was adopted when I was very young but never followed through with more info so I knew that I was different but didn’t really understand why. My brother (parents’ natural son) obviously knew and taunted me with it. There was a major row when I was 18 and it has never been mentioned since!
The social worker who helped me make initial contact advised me to tell my parents but I was very definite that I wasn’t going to say anything unless they specifically asked, which they have never done.
I had a good childhood but it has definitely affected my life.

My husband traced the family. It turned out my mum had died three years earlier. I did meet my aunt and some cousins. That was it. I got lots of medical history which was helpful. Had a brief correspondence with a half sibling. They didn’t know about me for sure. They had heard from my mum’s husband after she died, but they didn’t believe him. My mum obviously never mentioned me. I thought it best left alone after that.

My brothers and I always knew we had an older brother who had been adopted. My mother was forced into it, made to go into a Covent aged 17 to have the baby and she breast fed him until he was six weeks old then he was taken from her. She never stopped hoping he would get in touch and luckily he did. It was amazing how quickly he became part of our family albeit from a distance, he lives up North. He felt like my brother from day 1. There was an obvious connection between all of us. Sadly mum died twelve years ago but the rest of us are in touch.

Our foster daughter was left in care after her birth. (She came to us at 18 months old but we weren't allowed to adopt her as she is black and we are white and the Social Services said we could not maintain her black heritage. I did ask about her white heritage as she is mixed race, but was assured that did not matter!)

Our daughter desperately wanted to find her birth mother when she was in her teens and she was told by her Social Worker that her mother was in the local mental hospital. She promptly went there, unknown to us, and said she had come to see her mother - disastrous! She later got a Christmas card from her mother saying that she never wanted to see her again - more misery.

Later, her Uncle came and asked to see her - a continuing friendly relationship began. Through him she found her other uncles and aunts and keeps in touch.

the moment she sees her mother occasionally when her mother is able to cope. I think she just felt so guilty, inadequate and resentful that contacting her daughter is just too difficult. However, she persevered and our daughter has come to terms with the situation. Now there are occasional meetings and things have settled.

Good luck, give it a try when you are feeling strong enough and I hope all goes well for you.

I was adopted in Littleborough in 1959 by parents who wanted a sister for their 2 year old daughter. I was always told of my adoption and have made enquiries into finding my birth mother in the past, but drawn a blank. My childhood was OK. Money certainly wasn't a problem, but my mum was not very maternal and was jealous of the love shown to us by our father. Although I do feel part of my adoptive family and am really close to my sister, I have always felt slightly distanced from other members who never did anything to make me feel this. I think only anyone who has been adopted can relate to this feeling and now I have my own grown up children and young grandchildren I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Its as if a whole new bloodline has been started. My son and daughter can see where they came from which I could never do. It may be too late to try and trace my birth mother now as she may not still be alive but I keep dipping into online records to see if I can find a match for her name.

So there are some happier stories here, and its clear that birth mothers and adopted children want to bear witness to their experiences. Could I just say to @Tilly712 you can get an intermediary to act for you, this is normally done through a charity as only certainly people can act as intermediaries. If you google "post adoption services" you should find something, there are a couple of organisations in Scotland too.

To add to my above post; I knew a young man who had been fostered and subsequently adopted. He traced his birth mother but did not involve social services. Sadly , he discovered that she was, to put it bluntly, evil. He killed himself as he could not cope with, what he saw as , being rejected twice. I think also that the reality of her abuse of him when he was a baby left him unable to cope with life. I still feel so sad for him; he was a lovely young man but his poor start in life left him unable to be resilient.

I have 5 adopted children. The eldest was adopted in Australia and at that time the law there was that adopted children could not have details of their birth parents at any time. He has never had any wish to make contact as he says a mother is the person who brings you up through thick and thin not the person who gave birth to you. I thought he might change his mind when he had children of his own but he didn't. The other 4 are a sibling group and do the elder 3 knew their mother and at first we met with her at regular intervals until her behaviour got too bad because of her illness poor dear. For years until she died I sent her a video on her birthday of their events during the year. One of the siblings has had two of her children taken away at birth and both have been adopted by the same couple. I think they are very brave considering they have a 50% chance of inheriting the defective gene too.

My cousin adopted two children and the daughter decided she wanted to trace her birth mother when she was in her early 20s. It caused a lot of upset with her parents. But her birth mother had been married and the father was not her husband so she had had her put up for adoption. At first everything was sweet with the birth mother but eventually her true nature came out and my young cousin was very upset. The the relationship between my cousin and her daughter never really got back to what it was before.

I would like to tell my full story as it is a happy one (both with my adoptive parents and contact with my half-brother) but I understand the thread can be picked up by the press and used for articles. I would say I am so grateful to have had two great parents who told me from an early age (although not the full story) and was brought up within a very large family circle. I did research after my Mum and Dad had passed away and am so thankful as I discovered I was advertised "for boarding out or adoption" at 4 weeks and if boarded out an allowance would be paid. I could have ended up anywhere - no social services back then.

I’m a birth mother. I was in an Unmarried Mothers’ hostel in 1961. Adoption of my baby son was arranged by a well known Society. Thirty years later I received a letter from the Society. It was unclear and I couldn’t understand what it was about, so I wrote back and said so. Apparently it was written by a Society worker because my son wanted to meet me and the Society was conscious of how carefully this had to be approached. I never imagined any problems (I’m a bit naive) so when we finally met I flung my arms around him and we hugged, before we even said hello. He’s been a joy in my life for the past 27 years. We’re very lucky.

When I was living abroad back in the seventies an ex-pat friend of mine there traced her birth mother in the UK and, as I was due for a home visit, asked me to go and see her. I did, found she was a lovely lady who later came out to visit her daughter, and they had a great relationship. My friend also met her uncle and cousins with whom she has continuing excellent contact now her birth mother has died.
I know it doesn't always work out that way but in this instance it was extremely successful.

I am adopted too and always knew from small. I didn't look for my birth parents until I had my own children. I did eventually track down my original birth certificate as my mother had been in a Mother and Baby home in Glasgow. I discovered that she had lived in a town only 10 miles from where I was brought up. We visited this town regularly for shopping. I discovered that her mother had died before I was born, she then had remarried, less than a year after having me and had a son who aged with my adopted sister. I got his address but have never had the courage to go any further as I discovered she had died. I have hit a dead end since then. I would have loved to ask so many questions regarding my father (unknown), any siblings etc. I have left my details on adopted sites, but to no avail. I don't have the courage to go any further as I would hate to turn up on some strangers doorstep and announce who I am, as I know adoptees where they have not met with a welcome reception. I envy those that have managed to do so and am happy that it has turned out so well for them.

I can see problems as in former times the vast majority of children were adopted as they were born 'illegitimate' and it was so hard for a single mother to keep the child. Often they were forced to give up the baby by well meaning others. Now, sadly, a lot of children are adopted because the parents just can't care for their children adequately or are neglectful to the point of cruelty. There are women who continue to give birth despite having had several children taken into care due to severe neglect, only to have those removed sometimes at birth.
I understand that the child will have counselling if choosing to seek birth parents but I do wonder if anything can prepare a child for parents who quite clearly should never have given birth.

I feel awful posting this, as it is only loosely related to the original post but here goes:

My husband was adopted in the mid '50s. He never showed any interest in looking for his birth mother. He was brought up in a secure family and was even the favourite grandchild of his father's mother. I get the impression that his birth grandmother was very attached to him and each year until his 4th birthday sent a present via the adoption agency, until my mother in law asked the agency to stop this. In 1975, when the law allowed adopted children to see their original birth certificates, our first child was born and in the euphoria my husband voiced an interest in his genealogy. However, he was not at all happy about having to see a counsellor and thought that was another level of interference, rightly or wrongly so put it out of his mind.

I have been researching family trees for some years, made profoundly easier by the internet age - and I have done quite a few. My father in law once told me the birth mother's name. Years later out of curiosity I traced my husband's birth certificate online and sent for a copy after my in laws had passed away. I have had it hidden for the last 6 years and have no idea what to do with it. He was born in a church run single mother and baby home, no father named on the certificate. I have no idea about birth mum's life but feel so sorry for her, I think the info could upset my husband, and he is 67 so his birth mother would be in her 80s. We have children and grandchildren so this is part of their history too.

It is essential to find your birth parents to see if you have any genetic health conditions, also there is always a need to find your history. My mother was adopted but did not find out till she was 14 and she was traumatised. There is always a need to know.

I traced my birth mother and the heartbreak it caused me when she didn’t want to know me was horrendous, possibly one of the worse things I’ve experienced. When she died I contacted three of her other four children.. it turned out that I was the second of her children and it still makes me wonder what was wrong with me that she had to have me adopted but kept the others? I guess a different father. Anyway, I met the brother and felt nothing but guilt towards my wonderful Mum and Dad. I went on to meet two of the others and whilst they were absolutely lovely towards me and my family, they really could not have been kinder, for me there was always an elephant in the room, our mother and I would feel quite distressed after our meetings. I therefore took the decision to cut off all ties. I moved house and didn’t tell them where we had moved to. I eventually told my brothers from the family I had grown up in and expected them to be horrified at what I’d done, but they were so understanding. The lesson I learnt was that whilst the gaping hole that'I’d always felt was filled by completing my quest but in truth your family are the people you grew up with and have shared memories. I was lucky, I had a wonderful childhood, not much money but a lot of fun and love. If I was ever asked by an adopted person should they trace their birth family I would advise them to take great caution.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladymuck Birth family do have the right to refuse to meet. A colleague spent a long time tracing her bm when she did the bm said she had no wish to see her or even talk. Colleague took it very badly I don't think she had even considered this and certainly not prepared for it. It was a long time before she got over the feelings of rejection.

DGD2 and DGS (siblings) were taken by the court at birth for adoption and have always known about their birth family, and are in occasional contact with some of their older brothers and sisters. When DGD2, a drama queen, falls out with her mother she declares she is off to live with her birth mother. At 14 this is not going to happen, but her mother simply says “good luck with that!” and lets it go. I have no doubt that at 18 she will want to meet her birth family and that it will be a huge let down, but she will then be old enough to read the file which explains why she was adopted. Of the seven children ahead of our two, five were adopted, one chose long term fostering, and the oldest is said to be back with the parents.

I understand why someone needs to know who they are, but it must be painful for adoptive parents to have their love and care put on the back burner while the adopted child goes through this painful and difficult process, especially if it doesn’t end well.

Everyone has the right to know who they are, and adopted children should be told as much information as possible. However, wanting to meet their mother is understandable, but not always wise. The mother should be asked if she wishes to meet her child and given the option to refuse.