Adopted children finding birth mothers.

My neighbour had always known that her and her sibling were adopted. She traced her birth mother and found out that her birth mother had married her birth father and had more children. She went to visit her birth mother who lived on a council estate and my neighbour decided that didn't want to pursue the relationship with her birth mother and it was clear that they were in a different class- she didn't contact her again!!! I was flabbergasted and really couldn't believe it and have always wondered how the birth mother felt about finding her daughter then losing her but not knowing why. Clearly it doesn't always work out.

Even if future contact doesn’t last for some who locate their birth Mothers , finding out the details of their beginning goes along way to having peace of mind & instead of the continual
‘ wondering’ who, what, where.
Some also are able to have lasting relationships with siblings

My bio mother was in the Army during WWII, one reason I 'think' my bio father may have been in the services too. While my adoption has been a huge family secret, it doesn't sit well with me that they all took 'my' secret to their graves and I still don't know any details. I have never been told I was adopted, but gathering what info I could and talking at length to a couple of senior managers at Births/Deaths/Marriages they confirmed that my story was common for the time.

Unfortunately my adoption was inter-family and arranged through the Catholic church prior to my birth registration, so that registration was in the name of my adoptive parents, a major indicator apparently. No written records were kept and even birth records from the hospital were lost in a fire. Again, unfortunately, my adoptive parents weren't the ideal parents in that he abused me in every way possible and while adoptive mother didn't participate, she was complicit due to not making any attempt to stop him. This adoptive father was a narcissist and my bio mother's brother, they didn't get along and I remember many times she would leave in tears, after a huge argument.

However I think I met my bio father as a 3-4 yr old because I would be taken to my 'aunts' (bio mother) mostly on Sat afternoon and I can still 'see' this tall dark haired man (sometimes in uniform) he would arrive after me and leave before I was collected....so adoptive father didn't know he was there. I also remember he showered me with love and lots of hugs/kisses, small gifts and gave the best cuddles, something I never got at home. I was also told never to tell anyone he was there because if anyone knew, then he couldn't return.

I just wish I could 'see' the colour of his uniform or remember his name, but I was too young to remember many other details, although he and bio mother used to say 'what a lovely, little family we all made'. These visits were full of love and I couldn't wait until the next time we all met.

I guess he's passed away by now, so no chance of DNA and the major DNA companies have all suggested the chances are almost zero. Other searches are impossible without a name.

Otoh, my bio Mum and I got on really well and surprisingly some of my hobbies aligned with hers even though that was not a conscious decision on my part. Many times over a lot of years she used to tell me 'you and I have got to have a long-g-g-g-g talk some day about something very special' but she could never bring herself to have that conversation.

If only I could turn back the hands of time.....

My mother wasn't actually adopted, but she was given up at birth. After a horrific baby/toddler-hood, she was fostered by a well to do family in the area she came from. She had a cold, unhappy childhood with the foster family and left as soon as she could at 18 to go to college.

When she got engaged to my father, his father, my grandfather, somehow knew who my mother's mum was. He arranged a meeting in the grounds of what was eventually my secondary school.

My mother and her mum had a relationship for the rest of my granny's life. They weren't close but were definitely more than friends. Strangely, my granny chose never to reveal to my mum who her father was. My granny was very ashamed of having a baby while unmarried. Although she married twice (widowed twice), she did not have any more children. As a result, she was very non-judgemental of some of the more unusual life circumstances of other family members.

My mum has had quite a hard life. Consequently, when she inherited from my granny, it made her life a bit easier. Mum's difficult start in life has had a long-term affect on family relationships She was never a particularly warm mother, and her non-nurturing of my brother and me has affected our relationships with our children. Fortunately, it does seem to have worked its way out by my grandson's generation.

There is no peace until you know who you are. Not the same for everyone but the majotity it is. Even if its just to find out the truth.

I found out I had 2 half brothers i never knew about when I was 36. They were my late father children. Deep down I always knew there were missing pieces in my life.

Its called "family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you"

I know this isn't adoption however I do know that the majority of people need to at least know and connect in some way.

I did find my brothers who are alot older than me. We do have a great relationship

mrsnonsmoker
I am so sorry I have offended you, please accept my apologies.
The lady in question has been greatly comforted by all the replies.
She asked me to pose the question and I did not mean to upset anyone.

My aunt adopted two children a boy and a girl, they knew from an early age that they were adopted as it was never a secret. The boys birth mother contacted him and they formed a casual but caring relationship. The girl was furious at this and has never wanted to meet or know anything about the woman who “threw her away” her words not mine.

I should have said - July 1943South of England.
People have seen me (son twice) but it wasn’t me. Makes me wonder.

I've never wanted to watch the tv programme about reuniting 'lost' relatives. I've only seen a couple of highlights on the advertisements for the programme. I may have misjudged it as a result but my impression was of heightened emotions, which of course can be expected. I don't feel it's an appropriate way to help people find their birth families or siblings. It's inevitably a process filled with heightened emotions, feelings of loss and possible rejection, possibly joy but no longer term certainties of anything.

Our first child was adopted as a baby. I always made it clear to him that we would not object to his contacting his birth mother. Sadly, by the time he did so, she had died, but had surviving sisters whom he contacted. I advised him to enlist the help of a professional for contact, as it can be an emotional process, and this was useful.

We found out my mom's birth mother came from Scotland. My mom has been looking for 30 years. I did an Ancestry DNA test & found a half brother my mom never knew about.
When we went to meet the family last year - we where told he was brought up by his grandparents. In the late 70's he found out where she was living & travelled from Glasgow to Slough & was not made to feel very "welcome".
That was the last time he saw her.
I'm glad in a round about sort of way, my mom was saved from this. As the life she had with my nan was not very good either.

I have an half sister who was put for adoption. I think mother had pressure put on her. I was passed to aunt when parents divorced and was always being reminded how lucky I was they took me in. A social worker said I talked like an adopted child. I would like to find my younger sister and know the routine but am nervous.
She was born in south of England July 1944. Still thinking.

Our son traced his birth mother. Met her once and never saw or spoke to her again. That was almost 20 years ago. Our daughter has no interest in tracing her birth parents. She says having one set of parents is hard enough.

All adopted children are different. Some need to know and some do not. It works out for some but not for others. Our children were adopted as babies but always knew they were adopted . We even kept the names given by the birth parents so there was always a link. We now have grandchildren so doubly blessed.

My auntie had to give up her first born a baby girl at birth and never forgot her. She went in the marry the girls father and had 3 boys and a baby girl that died at 3 days.

About 20 years ago through social services the girl now a woman with her own children contacted one of the boys - her Birth brother and they organised a reunion with the other two brothers (once coming back from Australia for the reunion) and their mum.

Everything went so well - my auntie was delighted to finally have her daughter back and life was good.

Unfortunately the daughter had battled with depression and about a year being back in touch she committed suicide so my auntie last her daughter got a 2nd time.

I was adopted at 10 weeks old. And I always new I was adopted. I tried to find my birth mother when my parents were both dead. I did go through an organisation (not sure which one). I had counselling first. I found out my birth mother had gone on to have 5 other children with her husband (not my dad).
We wrote to each other and exchanged photos, which eventually stopped. Non of her children contacted me, even though she told them about me.

So although it was interesting to find out. There was no happy reunion, like you see on the tv. But it’s nice to know my background.

I was brought up an only child as well. Who knows how my life would have turned out if I’d been part of my mothers large family.

Not sure how other adopted children feel. But for me, a feeling of rejection will always be part of me.

I wasn't exactly adopted, but as my birth was the result of my mum meeting a GI who (as my nana predicted) proved to be a married man with 2 small daughters, I was initially shuffled of to live with my aunt and uncle -she could not have children.

They eventually asked my mother if they could formally adopt me and apparently, she turned up unnanounced and just walked of with me. It must have been very traumatic as I have no memory of it or the next couple of years.

Long story short - a few years ago I decided to try and find my fathers family, as I had health problems which seemed totally alien to my mothers side of the family. Mother long dead by then. I found them via thier local newspaper in Missouri and have since met and visited. I have become very, very close to my nephew and my immediately oldest sister, who I adored on sight. Oldest sister a monster and hopefully, I will never have to see her again.

Other good news was that the selfish s.o.b who fathered me was long gone. Apparently, as soon as my mother told him she was pregnant he had himself returned to the states but never went back to his wife.

He was, as they say up north "a right piece of work".

I've never regreted looking for them, especially as it turned out that my health problems were common on that side of the family! By the way - I'm now in my 70's.

My parent's split up just after I was conceived and mum met my dad almost immediately. He adopted me and has never treated me any differently to my two sisters they subsequently had. I traced my Father when I was 25. He had never shown any interest in seeing me and had remarried and had a son and a daughter. His wife made it clear she didn't consider me family. We muddled along for about 15 years but then it fizzled out. Totally my decision. Sometimes it works out. I'm glad I met him but he was never my dad.

I think it’s wonderful for adopted children to find their birth parents. However I wonder if all the programmes on TV take it a bit far sometimes. Sadly my daughter can’t have children and she and her husband are put off adoption not only because of the torturous adoption process (which they started) but also because they feel they could not cope with a child they love and care for suddenly finding someone ‘real’ and realising ‘something has always been missing in my life’ as finding lost parents is often portrayed on such shows. I think that a more positive programme about the positive relationships that can come out of adoption would be very helpful. Just my opinion don’t want to upset anyone

wicklowwinnie, what is a "telephone befriender"?
You say you heard about a terrible incident in the life of one family because of your role as a telephone befriender. I what you say is true, even if the person you 'befriended' over the phone gave permission for you to share their tragedy, surely confidentiality in any role involving people should have prevented you doing that.

I have been found by a sister who I didn't I had.Apparently she had been looking for my mother for thirty years.Unfortunately by the time she found me,only in January this year, Mum had been dead for fifteen years.I was totally bewildered as to why Mum hadn't told me anything about her having been born and adopted.She now lives in N.Z.so I'm not likely to actually meet her,but we Skype frequently.She looks very much like my Mum,and I feel we would probably get on well.

* As you can imagine, when the adopted child discovered the truth it was very traumatic for her.*

It would have been, but surely she was spoken to by the GRO when she applied for her original certificate

They are very careful and would not have given details out without a lot of consultations and support.

I find that very disrespectful of all those who have contributed their stories. So its not your own experience, but you wanted to use someone else's experience as a "cautionary tale"?! What a horrible thing to do.

You asked "Has anyone any experience of where this has been successful and ended in a satisfactory relationship long-term?" - so you are saying you didn't actually want an answer to that question at all, and you have no direct experience yourself whatsoever, but you wanted to "warn" all us silly adoptees about the possible error of our ways?!

Anyone could deduce that searching like that might cause problems, that's why its always best to use an intermediary and get the statutory counselling first - maybe the moral of this is that these requirements and services should be more widely advertised so that people can make a more informed decision.

So now some of us have been daft enough, me included, to reveal our own stories on here what will you do with the information? I'd have to really question your motives as a befriender too based on what you've done here - talk about idle curiosity, I think it was unkind to start a thread like this just so as you could tell us you knew of someone who was born as a result of incest.

mrsnonsmoker. I have been doing telephone befriending and was told the story on one of the calls. She has given me permission to relate it in the hope it might make some people think carefully about their actions.
Her child was born back in the days of unmarried mother's homes.
The child was the result of an incestuous rape in her own family!!
As you can imagine, when the adopted child discovered the truth it was very traumatic for her.
It wasn't her birth mother who told her the truth but another member of the family felt she ought to know.
Very unpleasant thing to do and has caused enormous upset.
Her birth mother was out at the time!

We adopted our daughter in 1967. Her mother, we were told, was 17, and rejected by her parents. She has always known that she was adopted. Funnily enough she has never wanted to trace her family, but I would love to meet them. I suppose that I feel a slight sense of guilt for taking her child, and wonder if she has hoped, all these years, that they will be reunited. I also speculate if her parents may have married, as we were told that they had been engaged.
My DD had two miscarriages due to an unrecognised genetic blood condition. It’s sad to think that this may not have happened if they had found each other. Happily, the problem was finally found, and she had two children successfully.
In “Find my Family” there is always a ‘happy ever after’ ending. From reading everyones’ comments On here, it obviously isn’t always the case. Maybe my daughter is right to let things lie, but I will always wonder about her birth family.

I should have mentioned that although I did most of the tracing groundwork myself, when it came to actually making contact I went through NORCAP whom provide valuable guidance.