Winning my Daughter-in-law Over

The important thing is to try and achieve that kind of relationship where possible

Absolutely.

. I was referring to the relationship overall from day one when new DIL/SIL arrives on the scene. I think that if they, for whatever reason, are not willing to develop that relationship, then eggshell treading can arise, and possibly get worse when grandchildren come along

Lolo81
Spot on

Madgran77, I completely agree it takes two willing parties to forge that kind of friendship. And I applaud anno-domini for sensible advise about finding common ground.
The important thing is to try and achieve that kind of relationship where possible before GC are on the scene and value the new in-law as a person instead of as a way to facilitate seeing a GC. By that time it can be too late as the transparency is obvious.

If there is anything I have said about getting on with in-laws, I'd emphasise that finding common ground, be it, books, cinema, sports, travel, can be a great way to treat one another as friends and equals - never as rivals.

That is so true anno-domini. I think though that it can be impossible to get to that point if, for whatever reason the new SIL/DIL does not want to do that.

That can be where egg shell treading can arise particularly once grandchildren are on the scene.

I'm in the same position ExD.
Horrible, isn't it?

Coordinating visits with anybody is not personal.
Being family does not issue a waiver for that.

A family is usually very busy and it is kind to schedule a visit, so when you visit they can give you their full attention, make special preparations and everybody can enjoy the visit.

The main problem is being at different phases in your lives. One party has more time than the other, different schedules and needs.

My DiL wants notice of visits too. Part of me understands but part of me feels really hurt. I’m family, I’m not judging just visiting the people I live.
I do respect the requirement though.
I was always close to my son but now everything is done through DiL. He used to ask us over without asking DiL first and then have to call to cancel.
I’m very welcome on Monday nights when I return DGD after looking after her all day though!
I suck it up, a little is better than none.

Illte

I had the same question for the exD

Do you mean you just turn up at the door without an invite?

My DIL's are lovely too, but there is still the invisible line over which I won’t cross. So different with my daughters.

I am in the same position except its my great grandkids who I never see. I cannot understand what I've done or said to upset their mother, but the heartbreak is real and devastating. I wish I had some advice to pass on, all I can offer is fellow feeling and hugs. I try hard not to be jealous of the other great mother in law ....... but she is not excluded ...... I don't know why. Its not possible to ask, I'm bundled away before I can draw breath at the door. "were just going out, "they're in bed" always some reason I'm not invited in.

Good post annodomini.

We've probably all been daughters-in-law and mostly are now mothers-in-law. Is it helpful to reflect on how we felt about our own M-i-Ls when we were the D-i-Ls? I was married abroad and didn't meet my I-Ls until we landed back in England. It didn't take me long to realise I had little in common with them, but it didn't matter as we were unlikely to live in the same area, and in the event, we didn't. We were quite far from my parents too. Many years later, I have come to realise that my MiL was probably a little afraid of me as I had a good education and years of interesting experiences before I married her son. She was firmly under the thumb of my F-i-L and, with hindsight, I feel quite sad for her.
I have always been friends with my sons' other halves. My DD-i-L I met when she and my DS were managing winter sports hotels in Switzerland and she gave me a great welcome. We did have a lot in common and, although she and my DS are now divorced, we are still good friends. During isolation, she ordered an afternoon tea and had it sent to me. My other DS and his partner have been together for 25 years but never married. She's very successful in her career and works hard but nevertheless always welcomes me wholeheartedly. We too have much in common, and frequently recommend books we have enjoyed.
If there is anything I have said about getting on with in-laws, I'd emphasise that finding common ground, be it, books, cinema, sports, travel, can be a great way to treat one another as friends and equals - never as rivals.

I was going to add, if she doesn't want a healthy relationship with you it will not be possible to "win her over". Take it from one who tried everything.

The exact same thing started with us several years ago. Whether we gave notice or not, (again, we too had the benign "you are always welcome" but in reality it was never convenient). I'm afraid that despite out best efforts, and we tried to improve things from all angles, the situation did not recover. We almost felt our DIL was worried that we would develop a good relationship with our grandsons that was rightfully "hers" and she didn't want that. We are now estranged from our son and grandchildren. For us it was a slippery slope.

Let’s hear some positive comments about daughters in law fir a change !

Mine is lovely! A lovely, kind and patient young woman to 2 young children; a loving and supportive wife to my DS and we get on great too. And she happily admits to being a rubbish cook!

Harris27

I have three sons two who have children and are married. I kept my distance after being treated a bit like this now I text if they want us to visit and ask what’s best. When your the mother of sons you will always come second.

Sweeping generalisation Harris. I’m the mother of two sons and treated with great affection by my daughters in law. Let’s hear some positive comments about daughters in law fir a change !

I would send them a little gift of lovely goodies. Perhaps from M&S address it to her. Then on the card put all their names saying you hope they are all ok. Perhaps this would encourage your daughter in law to phone you. Plus all the good advice above, always contact before visiting. Don’t put your son in a difficult position.

I'm blaming the covid-19 for most things at present!
My DD has been badly affected by the isolation. It's as if small things loom large and she worries over every slight or imagined slight.
I actually feel sorry for her in-laws because they are desperate to see the DC (their only DGC) but DD makes excuses to not take them round. I know because we live nearby and I see her in-laws.

I think you just have to keep the contact up through your son, try not to be over sensitive as it is probably all to do with her and nothing you have done wrong.

Text him, DS, and say you would like a video call chat with the children. Surely he can't deny you that!.

magshard20

My D-I-L of over 10 years, is the same with us, she is 6years older than our son, they have a daughter of 9. Son phones us daily usually if going to the shop, if we go to their house (arranged beforehand) and she is in the house, she stays upstairs, perhaps coming down just as we are ready for leaving !! We have got used to the situation now, but still feel left out.
It was her birthday a few weeks ago, I sent her a card, signed it, and put in brackets under our names "the outlaws", I asked son what she thought of it and he said she laughed, the sarcasm I intended probably didn't get through to her though, but I felt better for putting it in writing.

Oh my gosh
I’d be so upset if my mil did that
I hope she took it as well as your son says. I certainly wouldn’t have

Personally when I had a young family, and as a full time working mother) I liked to be notified at least a day in advance, but preferably a week, before my mother in law came to our house, so I could endeavour to straighten up the house and make sure the loo was clean!

At my husband's open invitation, my MiL would often call round unannounced when we lived closer to her, and it used to annoy me a bit, even though I liked her, as I had to stop what I was doing ( usually housework or shopping) to make tea and chat with her for a couple of hours, while her son did just what he pleased and only spent about 10 minutes with his own mother.

I recommend you limit the number
unplanned visits. Why don't you invite the whole family to yours for Sunday lunch when it's Covid possible, but expect to be flexible over dates and times as they are a busy family in their own right, or give a few days notice of any intended visit to theirs, and check that it will be convenient . Don't take offence if vists are postponed to a more convenient time. You might want to take the occasional treat such as a small bunch of flowers for your daughter in law do that she feels appreciated as a person. Also make visits short and sweet, if they are local, and don't outstay your welcome or expect to stay for meals unless actually invited unless you have established with your DiL whether the visit includes staying for lunch/dinner etc.

Working mums have it tough, so try not to be offended if frequent visits to theirs are not possible. Your son can always bring the grandchildren to visit you if DiL needs a break.

I vowed never to drop in uninvited on my DIL as my MIL used to all the time and it drove me nuts.She was always wanting to be useful and was a very loving person but she didnt understand the concept of me time when one is quietly pottering at home with kids..I always made her welcome as she was soul of hospitality herself...

It sounds as though somewhere between babies you said or did something that rankled. Maybe you were trying to be helpful, and never realised, but somewhere there was something that upset her.

You have 2 main choices. Talk to her alone and ask her outright, or let it be and try to make friends with her all over again.

Pay close attention to the things she likes and dislikes. Work hard at gifts. Treat her like she's as special as her kids. Never ever ever offer advice. Give advice only when she asks for it. Never question their family decisions and choices. Never act as though grandparents have rights (they don't).

However much any grandmother loves her grandkids, to the average DIL once a month is quite often enough to see MIL. If you push for more than that, you may well get in trouble.

Of course you will come second. Or third or fourth or fifth, depending on how many children he has.
If course his wife and children will come first.

I'm afraid that if you're giving the message that you expect to be number one in your sons life you are bound to meet with resistance.

Who would want to be married to a man that put his mother first!

It can be difficult for newly weds to adjust to being part of someone else's family as well as their own. When grandchildren arrive, they are part of both families.
The reason I say this is because I had difficulty with my in-laws just 'dropping in', and expecting to be made welcome.

The best thing is to arrange for visits to take place on a particular day and time. Then you know you are expected.