Winning my Daughter-in-law Over

it sounds a bit convoluted, now that you mention your daughter's strange behaviour too.
maybe DIL thinks you are in league with her, and she's just had enough of her husband's interfering family.
as she sees it. her priority is rightly her children and husband.
you may never know why her attitude towards you changed.
but i think you just have to respect her right to run her family in the way that suits her.

When my DIL became pregnant my daughter become very controlling like she was the one having the baby. All out of her love for her brother

Control is never about love. It’s about control. I’m wondering what your daughter-in-law views your place in that was.

I wouldn't either. BUT my son says "come by any time"... I too like time to plan so it never is one hour.

How nice of him to speak for your daughter-in-law’s time like that.

I do you think constantly adding in every text how much you would like to see them can come across as passive aggressive. Do you ever text just to check up on them without asking for a visit? You might not think you are being intrusive, but you do not know that you are not.

I would start just by texting them to try to build a relationship and see if an invitation happens. Don’t keep asking otherwise it will not go well

Cafegirl-- it does sound like your heart is in the right place. I admire your patience and faith in God. Lolo81 gave excellent advice.

I disagree with the advice to ask your son for a video chat since "he can't deny you that". You should only ask for a chat if that is something your son and DIL would genuinely be happy about. You don't want them to be interacting with you (or allowing their kids to interact with you) because they feel backed into a corner. Rather, you want to earn back their trust so they interact with you on their own volition. In the short term, pushing may work, but in the long term it will only further alienate them. They will stop answering your phone calls for fear that you will try to rope them into something.

* When my DIL became pregnant my daughter become very controlling like she was the one having the baby. All out of her love for her brother*

Cafegirl - can you not see how putting her behaviour down to being 'out of love for her brother' is making excuses for her and taking the easy way out of a situation?

@Summerlove - hilarious typo! You made my night!
@cafegirl - Something must have happened between baby #1 and baby #2. I got more relaxed with MIL after baby #2.

Sounds like a lot of family drama, honestly. Maybe DIL is just tired of it? Too much mental "noise." Especially now!

Not saying it is all you, but probably not all DIL, either. And an hour's notice would not work for me, either.

I wouldn’t ask your son if he thinks you have upset your DIL it could be something as simple as she is much busier these days with two children and doesn’t cope very well regarding anyone just dropping by to see her without giving notice a few days before etc, I would give her a bit more time, it was nice of you to send her a card, she could even have depression, when you say you always try to be accommodating maybe too much, what do you mean? I wonder if your dil thinks you are only interested in seeing your grandchildren, I hope you can resolve it soon op

BibiSarah
I don't brush what my daughter has done a side.

Cafegal - I think your relationship with your daughter and your ability to brush her obnoxious behavior under the carpet plays a very big part in the goings on. It’s to the extent you’ll even use the fact your DIL’s mum is estranged from one side of her family as a smokescreen to the reality of the dynamics in your own family. Could you take a step back from your daughter for a little while in order to try and see things a bit more clearly. I’m not talking about estrangement. Only about making yourself busier so that you’re less available.

I think you would benefit a lot from time out from this entire situation in order to try and see the way ahead a bit more clearly. None of you are blameless in this and the cycle has to be broken somehow.

Thank you Lolo81
Seeing the GC is only one goal. Healing broken hearts ... all family members is important too.

Hithere
I am not saying she wants him to herself as a bad thing. I don't blame her when he works like he does. They both enjoy their family time with their babies. They should!

Passive aggressive... i really need to think about that. I thought I was just addressing the fact that I was trying to coordinate time and it didn't matter what time I set up... it didn't work... I wanted her to speak up and tell me what would work. This passive aggressive thing really doesn't sound like me. I am always the one that takes the hurtful words, the disappointments and try to make it better. I would never be intrusive... that is not my nature.
And as far as putting it in God's hands ... without a higher power involved in your decisions concerning affairs of the heart... your soul is lost to hurting endlessly because all choices would be self serving and not for the right and loving reasons. (Just my opinion concerning God)

Welbeck
Yes. I watched the first child several times so they could get out. All was good! Second child and I would hear that Lily cries too much mom or Lily and Noah may be too much to handle. I even told DIL I would be happy to stop by while she runs errands or showers or bring them to me and go see a girlfriend for lunch.

Kim19
Her mother is estranged from her dad's family. Claiming that her SIL and his mother didn't like her and gave them issues.

So see a pattern.
I like her mother but honestly think she thinks that I don't care about the GC. I think if I talked to her about things it would turn ugly. Not between her and I but by her speaking to my DIL.
I have thought about it but don't think it would be wise.

not sure if you've mentioned this, but have you tried offering to babysit the children so that they can go out together as a couple.

Hithere

I wouldn't consider 1 hour notice enough notice to accommodate a visit.

I wouldn't either. BUT my son says "come by any time"... I too like time to plan so it never is one hour.

Lola81
I would love to have a relationship with my DIL. Before she married my son we would go out to lunch twice a month, she came over for dinner, our relationship was really genuine. All before my son put a ring on her hand. And even then my son came to me and told me all about how much he loved her, how he felt and if marriage should be the next step. He wasn't asking for my approval..he was simply sharing his love for her with me. It was all a warm and wonderful time.
What went wrong? I honestly don't know. I would guess "my daughter". When my DIL became pregnant my daughter become very controlling like she was the one having the baby. All out of her love for her brother. That all got out of hand and DIL stressed what she didn't like. They were all friends.
My son asked me to talk to his sister about it. I did... that resulted in them all arguing so I said "no more"! Settle your own issues and leave me out of it. The family drama kept fueling from there. My daughter was to blame because she would not let things go and forgive hurtful words said by her brother and SIL. Their issues have been going on for 3 years since my son's first child birth.
Past holidays they all play nice, but not without the dirty looks.

Hetty58
As I have stated "I am very accommodating". My DIL doesn't need to clean up for me. She can come here but won't. Son says "she has 2 babies which is too hard for her to pack up and head out". I would meet her at a park or even go by and help her with the kids to head out together. Nothing I wouldn't do.
So ... you think it is rude for me to text her and say I would love to see her?

Harris27
It really isn't about coming in second ?. I only wish to be a family.

I know somebody who often texts 'Hoping we can meet' - or - ' It would be so nice to see you soon'.

I always think she's obviously asking for an invite and I do find it rude and rather annoying. She must think that she's very special too - so I usually just reply 'Yes, we'll meet soon!'.

She should invite me over or arrange to meet out somewhere instead. But no, she wants me to make all the effort, tidy up and cook a meal for her. She never does that for me!

I have no objection to anyone just turning up for a cup of tea on the offchance. In fact, I prefer it. We can have a nice chat in the garden or maybe walk the dog.

If I've planned something else, they'll just stay for ten minutes. I can make them a snack too - but there's no getting changed, tidying or heavy cooking involved.

I am so sorry your son does not think you are a priority and gives you some of this time.
"Dil wants him all to herself" is an accusatory statement blaming the wrong person.
Your son is using his work schedule as an excuse not to have a relationship with you.

Your son has 100% of the blame here, 0% for your dil

Favouritism: it doesnt matter you think there is 0 favouritism between your dd and son.
He believes there is and that's his reality.
That, together with sibling rivalry, is a serious wrinkle in the family relationship that should be addressed if you want to improve the broken relationship with your son

Please do not send the passive aggressive guilt trippy message of "I dont think you dont want to come by " again when your first offer is rejected.
This defense mechanism triggered on your end could be one of the reasons why they dont see you more often
Not accepting the first no at face value and questioning it backfires, like it did in your case.

Hope is not a plan.
There are some things you can do on your end to improve the current situation, leaving it to God's arms will do nothing.

Cafegal, I sympathise completely with your position, you are obviously trying very hard to work on this relationship and given how hurt you are that’s admirable.
You say your kids don’t like to talk on the phone, maybe instead of calling try texting more regularly?
I understand your main focus is on getting to visit, however I would suggest you don’t mention that for a while and work on texting and getting into conversations that way? Also with DIL, it must feel natural when communicating to ask how are you and the kids, but again I’d suggest solely focusing on her.
I understand your frustration, I really do, but what you’ve tried this far hasn’t worked so maybe changing your method of communication to the way they’re more comfortable might yield you better results.
In the past I felt that when my IL’s text/called the “how are you” niceties were for show, not a genuine interest in me as a person and as a way to access my children. Even if you are genuinely interested, by focusing solely on your relationship with DIL and trying to strengthen it you may be able to build a trust that has obviously been eroded somewhere along the way.

Leslie60
Yes she did go through a rough pregnancy with the second and my son has shared he was concerned about her. That too I attempted to be understanding and there for her.

Daddima ...
My grown kids don't like to talk on the phone. They will post on FB or text before they would call. I have made several calls to my son and left am without a response. Or I will text"i am thinking of you" and get an emoji back.
I don't like not talking either but that is why I am asking for advice

Thank you all for your advice. Instead of replying to each of you individually I am going to attempt to summarize a few things in this post.
* No I don't ignore my DIL and just pay attention to GC. It is always about the kids and her.
* Yes I would love to see my son too, but he works M-F till 7 pm and weekends my DIL likes to have him to herself. Which I am okay with.
* No I would never talk about her badly to my son. I am actually a nice person and give ppl the benefit of the doubt.
* Yes I told my DIL during one of our attempts to coordinate time together that no matter how accommodating I was being nothing suited her availability... so I said "I don't think you really want me to come by". Her response was ... NOT TRUE. Yet I haven't seen them since.
*Yes I began with a text message to her first something like "Hi sweetie ... I hope you've had a great week. I have a doctors appointment this week and I will be in your area. Can I swing by? I can pick up lunch, too. If that data doesn't work, plz let me know what day is good. I'd love to see you."
* The response is either text silence for days or a smiley face emoji and I love you. I will let you know. ... and she never does.
*Yes .. my daughter got married and had her baby first before my son... I have been her babysitter for5 years. My son thinks that I love his little sister more than him... not true. I would give him the world and his wife and his kids it too...
*Yes there is alot of drama stems from sibling jealousy
* I am always the person that tries to give equal love, equal attention and equal understanding to all family members.
* I forgive even the worse things a person can do
* I love my DIL as if she is my flesh and blood.

I guess I continue to leave it in God's arms.

I wouldn't consider 1 hour notice enough notice to accommodate a visit.

I agree Smileless