Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

I'm so sorry to hear of this StrawberryShortcake and I can see why it causes you such distress ..it's hard enough being parent these days without having parental disapproval to deal with as well.

Your parents may be one of those couples who have never been comfortable with being warm and affectionate ...maybe not with each other or with you and possibly other family. Some people just aren't. It's them not you! They have tried I suppose in their way to show their commitment to you when you were younger with the paying for things that you needed and are currently still trying to spend money to compensate for their lack of emotional availability to you. If thats the way they themselves were brought up, stiff upper lip, don't show feelings, etc etc then its'a hard mould to break. It sounds from what you say about your mothers lies and tears and your father's silences, that it may be a difficult relationship behind closed doors and that they find it hard to keep up appearances when they visit. Or maybe it's not difficult for them its just the way it is and they become awkward and distant when they think that more is expected and they don't know how to 'do' that.

Whatever the reasons behind all this, I can only suggest that you concentrate on your own little family at home, don't dwell on the fact that your parents don't seem to 'get' you...sometimes you have to live with generational anomalies - you can't always make them better. It doesn't mean that they don't love you and your DH and children, nor that you don't love them...you are just very different people and whilst it isn't ideal from your perspective, perhaps you can accept them for who they are.

So many differing thoughts on this thread - hoping that some of them give you some comfort and reassurance and maybe some food for thought.

For what it's worth, my five children, apart from one, aren't huggers or given to PDAs - not with myself and my EXH at least - they go pale and nasueous at the thought!! Thankfully my youngest son is happy to greet me with a bearhug...however despite the older ones being physically distant, I know that I'm loved...and I hope that somewhere within yourself you do, too. Don't waste your future life in regretting what you can't change- as someone posted here, grieve the parents you wanted and then set your face to the sun and enjoy your little family at home.

Hello again OP, now you’ve clarified what you meant by DS3, and we know you’re an only child, is it possible it’s down to plain old jealousy? Your parents have had their ‘ baby’ for nearly 40 years, and now she has someone else to love. That coupled with your mum’s possible menopause, ( I did ask before), and the effect that may have had on your dad...may be enough to send them over the edge. The earrings may be their only way of communicating, bizarre though it may sound. I do hope you can resolve this, but the clues were there when you said the last three years. It makes sense now, but before, we all thought he was your third son. I think my advice remains the same though, if you can’t fix it, walk away for now at least, and wait for things to improve. Hopefully absence really will make their hearts fonder.

StrawberryShortcake. I really feel for you and to some extent have suffered similar with my Mother, I could never do anything right in her eyes, even now it rankles at times, but mostly over the years I have let it go. I know how much it hurts. You sound like a lovely Mummy, if in your heart you know you are doing your best, you can do no more, to have a friend and your Mother in Law confirm this is fantastic. I tell my daughter all the time what a wonderful Mummy she is, and how lucky my gorgeous grandchildren are to have such a fabulous Mummy and Daddy. I tell my grandchildren too, although they are only 4 and 2 yrs old. I also tell my daughter that her little family have to come first, before her parents, siblings, friends and work. Stay strong, that is what your own little family deserve, your love and attention and family happiness. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you strawberry shortcake. I'm an only child to and I do think it's a very different dynamic. It has advantages but disadvantages in that you are the sole focus of their attention and theres no one to compare notes with.!
I think for me a pivotal time was when I had my children. It brings home the enormity of the role of being a parent. It also very starkly by seeing how their relationship developed with my childeren bought back memories of my childhood experiences. As an adult you see your parents for the people they are warts and all! Mine were basically good but Mum could have an explosive temper. Dad was a quiet constantly patient man who would do anything for a quiet life but definitely not a man who hugged or told you he loved you but his actions spoke louder than words and he supported us in too many ways to count.! Christmas,that old chestnut. Mum was habitually late for everything by at least an hour. If we went to theirs we would be greeted by an explosive nan doing everything at last minute.! If they came here you would plan the meal an hour or so later than you told them! Dads response to everything be it a cheese sandwich or Mary Berry's finest was "very nice"! As time went on they grew increasingly frail, mum due to medical issues and dad vascular dementia. For 5 years I organised their lives and care package(they live a few miles away but I dont drive) and after mums death dad moved in with me until his death a few years later. They were tremendously challenging years but also golden in many ways. Mum mellowed in the last year but still had the odd outburst. She was argumentative and used to being the focus of dads attention and getting whatever she wanted whether or not it was reasonable! She was very pushy with myself and daughters but wanted us to have things she didnt. I remember a particular time when I was juggling their lives and mine and under considerable strain. She had fallen out with someone and phoned me to vent. I was trying to be diplomatic which made her crossed and resulted in her yelling down the phone that I didnt care and never did anything for her. It wasnt true and she didnt mean it but it hurt me dreadfully.
Several years on myself and my daughters remember them with great love and affection and also with a healthy dose of reality. At her core Mum was loving and very proud of us but her self centred and often explosive manner was stressful. On the plus side myself and daughters work in care related jobs and are very good at working with tricky clients through negotiating and firmly but not putting up with any nonsense ! Dad remained his usual placid self despite the dementia. After many years of planting my mother and being at her back and call it was his turn to be waited on,his reserve dropped and we had a very happy and companionable couple of years.
So how does this little saga relate to you?
I think becoming a parent and seeing how your parents relate to your childeren can awaken memories about how they parented you,for good or bad. The older we get the more realistic of our view as parents becomes. The best advice is that of the poster who said you cant change people only how you react to them.
I think its important that your son is protected against hurtful things such as rejection of little gifts he has made which I'm sure you are aware of.
Christmas is tricky. Yes you would probably have a more jolly time with your little family but as an only child there is more pressure put on you. It may be there are other relatives they could go to and they see you another day? This may not be possible or indeed what you want. As Christmas got increasingly complex we fell into the pattern of Christmas Eve being special in our household with special traditions just for us. Christmas day was Christmas day,its a whole Gransnet thread on it's own! Boxing day was my chill day!
I do get the impression that your parents may express themselves through things rather than emotions. I'm sure you would rather have a sense that you are loved and valued rather than a trinket. As the old saying goes it is the thought that counts and you would be happy with a cup of tea and a heartfelt chat. Relationships are such complex things and who knows what the relationship is really like between your parents. Some people just shouldn't be parents, they are not emotionally capable. Some are emotionally abuse. Some reflect issues from their own upbringing. We parent by example. I agree that the advice of the counselor to ask for a hug was over simplistic.
Cherish your own little family with an awareness of the parenting style you wish you had received. You may have to come to terms that your parents may never be able to nurture you in the way you need,for whatever reason that's just not who they are. That in itself can be liberating. Develop the ability to pat yourself on the back and boost your self esteem. Keep the lines of communication open but adapt your expectations of what you want and what is. Not easy but I'm sure you can do it and are a wonderful mother ?

I would suggest you talk this over with another counsellor. There are good ones out there. I'm in support of keeping contact between grandchildren and grandparents. Maybe you can't change them but you can change the way you react with them. You can't control everything.

I really should check before I post. It should read my father placated my mother not planted!

You first priority is your little family.

Frankly I think you should take them as they are, and see a little less of them. I certainly wouldn't make them the centrepiece of every Christmas.

Good luck

StrawberryShortcake you sound a very sensible and loving person - and a great mum! I'm sorry your parents aren't able to give you the sort of encouragement and love that you would like to have, but you honestly sound as though you can have a wonderful and fulfilling life if you can release all your expectations and hopes of them being the parents you would like them to be. Enjoy bringing up your son your way, and limit the amount of time with your parents to what you can cope with without feeling stressed out with their reactions. My in-laws were very good to me, but I had the eye-rolling etc too and just let it wash over me. I knew I was doing my best for my children that I could, and that they did the same for theirs. Our ways were just different. While we were together I let my rules relax so that they could enjoy their time with their grandchildren, and the children knew that it was only on those occasions that they had extra treats, stayed up later etc. It made them look forward to the visits more. Yes, I had to bite my tongue on some occasions, but for family harmony, and for just an hour or two, it was in my opinion worthwhile. You asked for a grandparents perspective. Would you be able to relax your rules for the period of your parents visits so that they can enjoy your son without feeling that you are judging them badly because they want to wake up your son to spend time with him while he's awake. I know it's much more interesting to spend time with a child awake rather than asleep (but more exhausting), and they may feel that they are wasting valuable time waiting for him to wake up. It probably depends on the length of time they are visiting. It's always said that it's a grandparents job to spoil their grandchildren. Annoying for the parents maybe, but it is only for a short time, unless they live in the same house. So long as they don't undermine your authority by criticising you in front of your child and husband, I think this might help them to enjoy being a grandparent more, and build a better relationship with you all. Maybe they feel they aren't able to be the grandparents they would like to be? If everything is more relaxed, maybe you will be able to build a better relationship with them again too. And I entirely agree that you needed to return the earrings as they gave them to you against your expressed wishes. I'm sure you did it in a gentle way. I think the other posters here who think you shouldn't have done this, didn't take on board that you had told them not to buy you and your husband anything anymore.

Change your therapist. Find a family therapist who would help you review your family life, understand what has happened and help you formulate a plan to create the best possible relationship in the circumstances acknowledging that your parents will not be going to change.
Always observe the usual courtesies of sending them birthday cards, christmas cards, and the other communications that make sure they know you are thinking of them. Do not expect a positive response from any of your actions, but you will know that you did your duty.

Concentrate on your own little family and enjoy your son. It sounds as if you have good relationships with him and your DH.

If your parents were acquaintances you would probably have dropped them by now because they don’t meet your expectations. I know it’s harder with family but if focussing on what they do or how you want them to be is taking up so much of your life and upsetting you, step back. Let things go for a while. If you don’t see them, they can’t upset you.
If your efforts so far have been met as you describe, you’re just asking for more stress.

As for the presents, I don’t know what I’d do.
Either post them back with a thank you note explaining why you are returning them, thus avoiding confrontation.
Maybe keep them unused and say nothing till they ask if you like them, then explain that you don’t wear them because you asked them not to send any more expensive presents, without adding any further explanation.
If they press you or get angry, offer to return them, otherwise don’t mention it.

I don’t really know that I expected praise for being a good mother. It came more in terms of compliments about the children- ‘Don’t your children have lovely manners’ ‘She’s such a kind little girl’. I don’t remember using exactly those words to my daughters but they know I think they’re doing a good job because I don’t criticise them and praise how the children are doing, (I just phoned my eldest to ask her before answering this).
I hope some of the answers on here have been some help.
Try writing a post to yourself as if you were your mother and you had read your post, not knowing it was from you.
What would she say?
How would she describe your relationship?
What would she want you to do to improve the relationship between you?
If you find she’s saying “There’s no point . . . then take her (your) advice.

There is a power struggle going on between you and your parents. This is a normal right of passage but has been rather delayed in your family and was triggered when you became a parent yourself in early middle age. You were close and all got on well until now because they were still the parents and you were the child that met their needs. They are finding it hard to give this up. Your mother tries to exercise control by shouting and crying and at times lying. Your father tries to exercise control by silent withdrawal. Your attempt to control when your own child should sleep, eat etc is undermined with eye rolling. Gift giving symbolises power over you. It requires gratitude. Which you understand because you try to ban gifts to try to free yourself. But they won’t accept you being free in this way. Hence the expensive earrings. You have to fight all this for your right to be your own person, You are still looking for their approval. Which is natural in a child. And is not unreasonable in an adult. But they are not dealing well with the loss of their own child -you -which has unfortunately been triggered for them by the birth of their grandchild. You need to become less dependent on their approval and stop looking for it and needing it. Don’t give them power in your own head and thoughts. I am sure they love you and you love them. They may be afraid of the loss of your love now you have your own child to love. They may be quite child like and insecure themselves. Cutting off from them entirely, which some people here recommend, would be a strong move and completely reverse the power dynamics. It might force them to come round. But it is very extreme behaviour. So painful and difficult for you all and it might not work and you could become permanently alienated which I think would be hard for you to deal with for the rest of your life. I would try becoming more assertive rather than cutting them off completely. Not so much in your actions. But in how you think and feel about what is happening. Be firm. But as kind as you can be. Don’t let them pull your strings or let them upset you or control your actions. Good luck.

I think your parents find you very difficult and don’t know how to behave around you. I think you need to lighten up and stop overthinking everything.
You should have kept the earrings (good manners to) and just thanked them instead of making them feel uncomfortable.

I think you might be looking down your nose a bit at your parents. My guess is that neither of them have had a University education and you see yourself as being better than them, smarter than them.

Cut them some slack and let them enjoy their only grandchild.

You did ask!

I think you are both digging your heels in and refusing to compromise on anything. Seems like mostly little things too! You all sound quite alike! There often comes a time in relationships of any kind that someone has to step back and give way unless it is over something major or important. Little things such as you mention are really not worth bothering about - it’s difficult to suggest any positive way forward since neither side would appear to understand how minor all these self inflicted troubles are. Maybe do some voluntary work to help get a perspective on your own situation.

Dear, dear me!

You cannot change a relationship unless the others in it want to change it too.

From what you say, it sounds as if your mum and dad won't change.

I would stop worrying if possible.

As far as Christmas goes, suggest they stay at home this year, as they obviously do not enjoy being at your house, or better, simply make other arrangements - go away yourselves for Christmas.

So much sadness on these pages. Could we hear more from those who have or have had loving close relationships with all their family? I will except mother-in-law from my list who was one of the most unpleasant, devious people I have ever known and would have been super happy if she had managed to break up our marriage. Fortunately, her son saw through it!

I really feel for you, I tried and tried for years and never did find a solution that protected my mental health while staying in the relationship.

There's some great advice here about enforcing boundaries but the one that struck me the most was allowing yourself to grieve the parents you needed and accept the parents you have.

There is low contact rather than estrangement and grey rock to protect yourself from giving parents ammunition against you (sorry if these have been mentioned). Both can be explained by Google much better than I can.

I just want you to know, you are not alone and your feelings are valid and understandable.

You might need to start a different thread for that JaneRn

I agree with everything BlueBelle says. My DM, and DF for that matter, never once gave me a word of praise or a compliment and I never expected or lamented it. However, I never doubted for one minute, although it was never said, that they loved me. They were a product of their background just as your parents are, and you can surely not doubt that they love you. They are not you, why do you want them to behave like you? You said you stopped gifts to encourage them to see you on your birthday, but you didn't tell them that, or that you'd prefer a card to a present. Why didn't you just invite them over? With all this drama, perhaps your parents think you don't want to see them. It seems that communication is difficult both ways and, to be honest, they sound frightened of upsetting you, despite the shouting. Try to talk to them about everyday things, invite them on your birthday if you want to see them and don't expect them to be mind readers. Perhaps try not to tell them how they disappoint you and try to see things from their perspective a bit, then the relationship might improve. Maybe you can pull back from all the introspection, treat them as you would friends, and accept them as they are. If their behaviour truly upsets you, see them less.

Thank you @crazygranny and @Jillybird, you are both very kind and Jillybird I’m so sorry to hear how your mother treated you. That must be very hard

To everyone I have missed, thank you for your input and suggestions, it’s really has been helpful

The point that was made, about you now being no longer their ‘little girl’ is a good one. You are an only child, and their lives have been focussed on you. It sounds as though they find it hard to show emotions physically, so have done so by being providers instead.
Now you have different priorities in your life, and they have been pushed out of the spotlight. Resentment has probably crept in, no matter how unreasonable that may be. Your husband and son have taken over their place in your life, so they are feeling a little jealous, and showing it by giving you the ‘cold shoulder’.
Have you considered writing to them, telling them that you still love them, and want them to be part of your lives? Explain how their treatment makes you feel. Ask if there is anything you have done, or not done, to upset them. Also ask if they really enjoy coming to you for Christmas, as you feel that they don’t enjoy it. Would they prefer to stay at home?
Make it clear that you love them, want a happy relationship with them, and want to find ways to get along better.
Some people aren’t good at communicating. That will probably never change. Writing down how you feel about their behaviour will at least give them the chance to mull over their behaviour before you speak to them again. You don’t need to refer to the letter. Just tell them how nice it is to see them again, and see how it goes.
I hope that things improve for you. At the end of the day, you have your own happy family, and shouldn’t let the situation with your parents cloud that.

Some very good points here already but just add a bit for consideration.

Your parents are different to you and they behave differently to you.

I understand that those differences are hurting you. How to lessen the hurt is the key.

1) I agree change your counsellor.

2) Your DS is 3.

When we have children we Can (not must or should) Re-Do some of our own childhood. We can find gaps from our own early child experiences resurfacing. I would suggest you do some research around this and see if there is anything there that you can now take care of to meet any unmet Needs in your own development. If you think there is something in this for you I would strongly suggest finding a good therapist if you want to embark on work.

3) I agree with building your own sense of self worth. Have confidence in your own ability as a person and as a parent.

4) Look at ways you set yourself and others up to let you down AND then change that - fast.

5) Accept that you want 2 "Other People" ( your parents ) to relate to you in ways that work for you. I get that but ...

What's real is you have is 2 other people relating to you in ways that are the BEST ways they figured out to be/survive/ relate in the world. They didn't arrive at this time in their lives or your life with a perfect way of being your parents.

They are who they are doing the best they can with what life, their families, their pain, their fears, their worries, their hopes and sadness, their skills, their joys has given them to get through their life with. Same as the rest of us - you included OP.

Accept that they don't relate to 1) themselves the way you do 2) others the way you do 3) to you the way you want them to 4) the way you relate to your child.

I suspect - out of awareness - they are giving you the things in life they wanted and never got. The financial support, the Material things. Support to go to Uni, to have the weeding you had ( I understand your contributed to both) did your contribution make the feel it was a team effort or that their effort alone wasn't enough ??? Who knows.

6) Ask yourself, really consider, may be they feel uncomfortable with the your Emotional, Nurturing, Calm, Caring approach to parenting. Either because it's different to how they parented and they don't relate to you that way, they could feel judged and criticised

7) If you think you are being a "Good Enough" parent (good enough is often as good as it gets as a parent) then take any compliments (strokes) when you get them - we all need them sometimes.

8) Do Not go Hunting for strokes in places you already know you won't find them. You are only setting yourself and the "Other" up to fail. Change that and change it now.

9) Look at what they do try to do. I understand about the 'Boundary" you set around presents from your parents but have you considered that you are preventing them from showing you How they show Value ?

It may just be them giving you something that later gives them a stick to be you with, I can't call it but I think if you take the time to sort out the distinction you will be able to separate it out.

10) Their referring back to past financial/material things and wanting gratitude could be - only could be - more to do about them feeling "Not Good Enough" than it is about them wanting you to feel 'Small and Indebted". They are Your parents, you know their back history.

I don't know what the distinctions are, it will take work. Start with getting your view clearer, are they Narcissist ? Are they relating to you in the best way they know how ?

I get that their way does not work for you - it does not give you what you want from them - so stop asking them to be mountaineers and being hurt when they can't climb the mountain to get you what you want.

I get that you Do Not get what you want from your parents, you Don't get your Needs met. That is painful. Work out How can you get your Needs met? Work out from whom do you get your needs met?

Are your parents inherently Wrong in the way they relate to you ? Or is there way of relating Wrong for you? Well their way of relating and valuing is clearly Wrong for You. You are hurting and that is sad.

We can not change other people but we can change how we "Think" about those people and their behaviour. We can change how much Time and Energy we put into Thinking and Feeling about relationships and situations in our lives.

You have lots of opportunities in your relationship with your parents that you can change to make your life better.

Finally get a diary and go through how much of your Time you spend with your parent every day, week, month year. Then how much time you spend being hurt, angry, sad about How you think your parents are and then How much Time you spend finding out Who your parents really are.

Once you can see that written down you can CHOOSE what you do with Your Time, Thoughts, Energy, and Feelings.

Most importantly Keep yourself Safe, get yourself some good support, while you go through this trying time. Good Luck

Hello Strawberry Shortcake. I can feel your pain. One thing I do know is that you must not let your deep unhappiness regarding your relationship with your parents affect your life with your husband and your son. I know that you already put them first but you must enjoy what you currently have.

People and relationships generally are so complex, I’d only be guessing. But my guess is that they still want to treat you as their little girl whom they could once control, not the adult you are.

I can’t solve all the difficulties that have occurred in my family/extended family, so I have gone for acceptance of heartbreaking situations. I have also lowered my expectations of others.

I’m not sure that this helps but you wanted an older person’s perspective. (I’m 71)

Be good to yourself, lots of love xx

She said her son was their first grandchild, I took it to mean that the issues began after her third son was born.
I was never close to my dad @Strawberryshortcake but he always praised me. I hated it. He came to live with me when he was unable to look after himself, it was the worst three years of my life. He was spiteful and unpleasant about everyone but mostly women we knew. I found out stuff about him that confirmed my lifelong distance from him. I am writing a book about it as therapy. My advice would be to question why you feel such a need for their approval? You don’t need it. Has it occurred to you that they may be jealous of your happy life? A relationship with parents is much like any other relationship, if you’re not getting what you need from it the answer is to end it I’m afraid.

I do not how old the parents/ grandparents are but there are often generational differences in ideas and beliefs on how to bring up children/ run a household which rises to the surface when married, and then
when grandchildrenn arrive and family dynamics change.

I was brought up strictly, essentials all provided for but no expensive gestures, and no hugs or kisses at all. My parents never ever praised anything I did, it was not their way. Nor was I ever able to ask for any help or support when I needed it, for fear of rejection which would have followed the inevitable refusal. My mum often gave me unwanted advice and did not agree with how I raised and, possibly indulged, my children.

I would have like to have changed the relationship but it takes both sides to adjust. Don't make yourself sad by overthinking this and expecting more emotionally than your parents can do. This is wasted energy that should be channelled into the happy parts of your life. Lighten up the mood when you see them, have the odd chat on the phone, and don't take everything that isn't actually said as a negative.

Could they be jealous of you having your own warm and loving family now? You said you used to be close so perhaps they feel they have lost their own little girl. Just go for it and give them a hug each next time you see them. Everybody likes to be liked! X