Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

Back off and stop torturing yourself. If who you are is not enough for them, then be yourself and leave them to it. We don't owe our parents anything. It sounds as if they think you are patheticvfor trying too hard. Enjoy your life without them then maybe they will come around.

I’m both a Grandma and the daughter of parents who are a lot like yours @StrawberryShortcake.

As I was reading your OP I was thinking ‘yep, yes, yes, yep’.

Unless you are the child of manipulative or disinterested parents I think it’s difficult to understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of it yourself. Summer bank holidays used to be the worst for me, I could hear happy families enjoying their time together and I never had that. If you don’t have a harmonious family you see happy families everywhere.

The ‘but we paid for x, y, z so we expect you to...’ absolutely resonates with me.

I’ve moved on from the way you feel now, many of my suggestions reiterate the excellent advice you’ve been given.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect that your parents would say kind things to you. Unfortunately, those aren’t the parents you’ve got. Find a way to accept that, it will help.

Now that I’ve paid for my own children through University I do not consider that they should demonstrate eternal gratitude to me for it, paying for your children’s education is just parenting.

You are already doing this but distance yourself from them, look after yourself. When you do have to see them try not to see them at their house, in my experience they will feel able to be at their worst there.

Stop yourself from hoping and giving, you can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. Decide on your boundaries, make them and keep them.

Their criticisms of your parenting are a nonsense, take all of the proper advice on board but you know your own son. They’ve had their chance at having small children, this is your son, you know if he is tired and needs to be in bed.

Choose your boundaries and stick to them, for your own sanity. They are looking after themselves. You have to look after you.

It sounds as though you, DH and DS make a lovely family. Enjoy what you have and focus on that.

allthe glitterglue Excellent advice...I really hope that it helps you Strawberry Shortcake

How heart breaking for you. It looks as if you're doing everything to keep things on an even keel. Some people might say there are two sides to every relationship but I have found from personal experience that this is not always the case. How about 'distancing' yourself a little. Not too much as this will impact the relationship your sone might have with them but don't let them treat you as they have been doing - if you let people treat you badly, they will!. Next time something is said that upsets you just say' I'm sorry you feel this way as I find what you've said very upsetting"It sounds like none of you can communicate, including you as you have put up with this. As far as the earrings are concerned, taking them back might make matters worse. instead ring up and thank them for them and say that you are sorry you missed them and it would have been nice to see them.

I dont understand how grandparents can’t love their grandson either. What s special prize grandchildren are. These parents sound horribly manipulative and obviously dislike their daughter making them grandparents!! Odd folk!! You were right to return the present...they broke your rules. I wouldnt contaminated ate your son with them...they sound toxic. You sound like an excellent mum..... I know my daughter is so much better a parent than I ever was and I’m immensely proud of her and tell her often how i feel. I think your parents may come around to their grandchild ....but only when they get their heads out of their ‘you-know-what’.

Thank you everyone, so many kind comments and helpful advice. I did give the gifts back and mentioned that I was disappointed they didn’t want to see me on my birthday. Since then they haven’t asked to see me (socially distanced of course), they FaceTime my son but that’s about it.

I keep coming back to the thought that I don’t think they are doing a lot of this consciously. I think some of it is poor communication skills, they are dismissive and I’m not sure what that’s about, and some of it is just laziness/not wanting to address thing. For example if they ask about me they could be worried I’d say I’m not ok or I needed something from them (I wouldn’t say this, but they could think I would) and they might have to then ‘deal’ with something/help me. I don’t know / clutching at straws I guess!

it doesn't matter.
don't try to analyse them. don't waste your emotional energy on them. just be glad you don't have to live with them.
you get to live with people who love and respect you.
that's all that matters.
and don't let them hurt yr son' feelings, with yr mother's one-upmanship. give them a wide berth. you can do it.
good luck.

Thank you Welbeck

Strawberry Shortcake, the poor communication skills could be purely generational. The old stiff upper lip and not addressing all those yucky emotions. I know I’m generalising as there are many within that generation who do have emotional intelligence, but the stereotype exists for a reason.
You’ve said a couple of times now they can’t communicate, perhaps they simply don’t know how to handle the more emotional aspects that you are craving.
I know that doesn’t make you feel any less hurt, but the emphasis on things and gifts could be their way of showing love that they cannot express and by returning the things/gifts or refusing them you are rejecting their “love”.
That doesn’t necessarily make their actions ok, if it’s hurting you then the decision you need to make is whether to address it head on and hope they’d be willing to try, to distance yourself in order to protect your own feelings, or try to accept their efforts and make peace with their limitations.

Thanks Lolo, I think I’m leaning towards just trying to accept things the way they are and keep a bit of emotional distance .