What would you do in my shoes, dear GN’s?

Cockooz well done

Cuckooz

Thank you everyone for your replies ? They have made me see what a fool I have been for putting up with my husband for so long. I know he’ll never change. He’s evil for saying what he did.

I’ve given him the best years of my life. Thing is the longer I’ve been with him the more weaker I’ve become. Had I been strong I’d have left him years ago. I think it was a case of being too scared of going it alone again and being scared of the unknown. It was hard for me to do it the first time and I was much younger then.

My first husband was an alcoholic and was always in and out of jobs. He physically and mentally abused me and when I finally left him the children and I were very happy. And we coped. Then I met my second husband. I thought the world of him and thought that from now on we’d be a happy family. How wrong I was.

It’s not all been bad. As the years passed by there’s been some wonderful times but they never lasted. I’ve always had to tread carefully and be careful what I said because one day I’d say something and it’d be fine. The next day I’d say something and he’d go off in one of his moods. Thinking back I realise he’s been a bully and very moody all our married life.

But no more. I don’t want to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to shed any more tears or feel alone when I have a wonderful family that don’t want to visit because of him. I will tell him today that we are well and truly over. There is no going back from this. My grandchildren are my world and I want to have them visit me without having to worry about my husband hating them being here.

I will seek legal advice. I will tell my children what I’m going to do.

Thank you everyone for your advice ?

Thank you for coming back to let us your know your decision.

Thank you everyone for your replies ? They have made me see what a fool I have been for putting up with my husband for so long. I know he’ll never change. He’s evil for saying what he did.

I’ve given him the best years of my life. Thing is the longer I’ve been with him the more weaker I’ve become. Had I been strong I’d have left him years ago. I think it was a case of being too scared of going it alone again and being scared of the unknown. It was hard for me to do it the first time and I was much younger then.

My first husband was an alcoholic and was always in and out of jobs. He physically and mentally abused me and when I finally left him the children and I were very happy. And we coped. Then I met my second husband. I thought the world of him and thought that from now on we’d be a happy family. How wrong I was.

It’s not all been bad. As the years passed by there’s been some wonderful times but they never lasted. I’ve always had to tread carefully and be careful what I said because one day I’d say something and it’d be fine. The next day I’d say something and he’d go off in one of his moods. Thinking back I realise he’s been a bully and very moody all our married life.

But no more. I don’t want to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to shed any more tears or feel alone when I have a wonderful family that don’t want to visit because of him. I will tell him today that we are well and truly over. There is no going back from this. My grandchildren are my world and I want to have them visit me without having to worry about my husband hating them being here.

I will seek legal advice. I will tell my children what I’m going to do.

Thank you everyone for your advice ?

You're married and have been for 30 years therefore the courts will look at the property as jointly owned no matter whose name it's in. They have a starting point of splitting everything 50/50. You need legal advice Asap before doing anything. You are told not to change the locks because it's still his home and he has right of entry, so if you change them you could be made to change them back. Speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Bloody hell, he sounds awful, how have you stuck it this long. I hope you leave him, you sound far too nice a person to be around such a horror

Don't throw him out or leave but gather evidence of his mistreatment. If he abuses or is rude to you or the rest of your family it could form the basis of an unreasonable behaviour claim for a divorce. Try and find a good divorce solicitor (they do vary). The advice about opening your own bank account is good as well. It won't be easy but keep in mind that one day you will be able to welcome your GCs and enjoy your family free from the worry of this awful man.

I don't think you can make him move out as marriage tends to make assets joint property.
Wikivorce site can be very useful for getting useful advice and support on Divorce matters.
Awful situation to be in but you can make a new life for yourself at 63.
My personal experience is don't leave the home yourself unless your safety is at risk

What a vile man. He doesn't deserve to have you or your family (or anyone) in his life. As has been suggested, go online (tonight!) and open a new account and transfer half the joint account money into it, it takes half an hour tops. Then tomorrow, find a decent family law solicitor and book an appointment. I would let your children know and suggest that their visit be postponed; there's no point in subjecting them or the GC to the unpleasant atmosphere that your husband has caused. Don't feel sorry for him if he starts to try and make amends - keep strong, just keep remembering what he said about the CG - how dare he. The pig (for want of a much stronger word).

I don't know why you've put up with him all these years. If I'd married a man like that, he'd have been gone a long time ago.

Perhaps you should see a solicitor, and see what you can do about forcing your husband to leave. Wha a nasty man he sounds.

Just seen the advice about not changing the locks, but as it is your property I don't think it would count against you. He will claim he has nowhere to go, and you will have to start eviction proceedings, which will be difficult as I don't suppose he is a tenant; his contribution to the house will be examined. But you can't continue to live with someone so callous.

You must get legal advice quickly, and I think probably take out an injunction. How you get him to leave the premises I don't know. A friend went through this with her ex-husband; it took ages to evict him, but she had put the property in joint names when they married, and had left the house because he attacked her.
Don't leave your property if you can avoid it until he has gone, and you have changed the locks. Don't offer him anything but secure your half of the joint account; let everything be sorted out legally. Whatever you do, don't change your mind.

Oh wow, he’s a nasty so n so isn’t he, I’m amazed you put up with such behaviour over the years, but no good going back there in your thoughts, the way is forward now, half hour of advice from solicitor, I think they still do this no cost involved, I would check this out,I’d take half of my money out of the account, pack his bags, I’d tell your AC what you are going to do, I bet they will breathe sigh of relief for their mum, hopefully they will support you in whichever way needed, and please please keep strong, my blood was boiling reading this post

My friend was told not to change the locks etc because it would count against her in the final settlement. He sounds like a nasty brutal piece of work and your life will be so much better without him. Good luck and keep us posted.

OK - no regrets - do not look back and wish you had done tings differently - that ship has sailed. You must now make plans for the future.

Go online to your bank and open an account in your own name and transfer half the money in the account - I did this when my poor OH was unable to manage money any more and it went through in a blink - no problem there.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and fond out where you stand legally - it will be money well spent.

Tell your children the situation - I am sure they will back you to the hilt.

Your OH is letting it wash by him as he knows he has had his own way all these years - but he will sit up and take notice when you have all your ducks in a row and can present him with a clear plan of action with the legal knowledge to back it up. I suspect that, married or not, if the house is in your name, you could put it on the market and move on.

You’re a strong woman cuckooz or you’d not have survived for this long in an incredibly tense marriage. You’ll be able to move on. Totally agree with others, a family law solicitor will give far better advice than we can. Gather your paperwork quietly, make an appointment and get advice. A handyman can make the garden safe if it’s not something you can do, enjoy the visit as much as you can. I wouldn’t go and stay with family until legal advice has been received. Could you talk to your family during the visit and explain? We’re always here to listen but nothing beats family support. Good luck, stay strong.

Sorry but he would have been gone the MINUTE
he was unkind to my kids but as he didn’t and you re saying you regret that, all you can do is make sure you don’t repeat those mistakes again ...he sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work As he’s not making any effort to move you need a solicitor ASAP to get him out (if possible) and hopefully an injunction against him coming near you ever again
Get as much evidence together as possible

In the meantime meet up with your family and grandchildren in a neutral place where the children can’t get hurt or have to see him and perhaps hear his hate

Yes, I agree with other posters.

You do need to get legal advice regarding the house and your finances. Move your money over asap and stay strong.
What an unpleasant man, don't waste any more of your life on him. No-one would speak about my DGC like that and get away with it, it is truly shocking.

That is not a marriage and you deserve better than this misery.

Don’t say any more to him until you have moved half of the money, if you have any proof of the amount that you have put into the family home, then gather it all together along with any Pension letters ( for you both) and bank statements and get an appointment with a Solicitor.
Just because the property is in your name doesn’t mean that he has to get out.
On the other hand, don’t move out yourself, stay put and get that appointment.
Good luck.

Sorry to hear you have such a dilemma Cuckoo. I think you have already made up your mind about the relationship,
But - if you are married - don’t be tempted to leave the house just because he’s sitting tight. You could be waiving some of your rights.
My friend did just that some years ago and lost the house as he stayed in it. She found it wasn’t possible to buy a house with her half of the “estate” and could afford only a flat. He stayed in what had been her home (with her first husband), as he was still working and able to afford to raise the other half of the mortgage.
Stay put, and get legal advice. Perhaps when he can see you are determined to stick to your guns he will go.

Advice given by welbeck about your bank accounts is sound too.

Good Luck, and come back and let us know how you get on. ?

You need a medal for having put up with this man all these years. Give him his marching orders asap followed by legal advice or LA first. And I thought I had it bad !!!!!!!

Oh goodness me, this relationship is over. Open a bank account in your own name transfer half the money, don't even bother telling him what you are doing, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of being informed. Go and see a solicitor, don't mess about with the free half hour stuff, get one, get them on the case, and start divorce proceedings. I can't see why on earth you are staying with this horrid man. Don't beat yourself up about the past and what you should or shouldn't have done when your children were small, but you can change your future. Please keep us posted, there are many on here with experience of ending a marriage and I am sure they will be along to advise and support, but in the meantime, just get a solicitor's appointment and get the rest of your life sorted. Good luck. xx

I think you very urgently need legal advice Cuckooz. This type of thing cannot possibly be managed by agreement without proper help to sort it all out. I really feel for you

I too am amazed your family still visit cuckooz the fact you prioritised your husband over your children does not sit well.
That's all water under the bridge now though and you need to follow through with your decision. I agree with welbeck about the money. You need legal advice about asking him to leave the marital home I'm not sure of the situation there. I hope you manage to free yourself from this man and have a better life with your family.

if i were you i would withdraw/ transfer half the balance of the joint account.
whatever you have offered him is not legally binding.
don't give anything away. bet he won't.
you are a fair and reasonable person. he is utterly selfish.
you could take all the joint account. so could he. maybe he has. by leaving half for him, this will show to the court your bona fides. good luck. keep looking forward.

if you are legally married, i don't think you can demand he leaves without a legal settlement.
if you are not married you can assert your property rights.
but i think the very fact of marriage means that you will have to start divorce proceedings and a court decision on division of assets.
as he is most unlikely to come to an agreement voluntarily.
get legal advice immediately. look on support websites that can advise you in more detail.