Gransnet forums

Relationships

Second marriage issues

(77 Posts)
Piperly Fri 31-Jul-20 09:49:53

Good morning dear grandmothers brew. I wonder if you could give me some advice please? I married for the second time 4 years ago after meeting my now husband in a blind date 7 years ago. We hit it off immediately and definitely had a spark. We started living together and I met his 2 grown up children and he met my 3 grown up children and all was well.

Anyway things have changed and I'm feeling very sad. Our sex life in the beginning was amazing and I felt very blessed to have found that in my late 40s. But now it is virtually non existent. My lovely husband just says that's he's 'getting old's and he's sorry but I feel abandoned and unattractive! He says he loves me but there is no affection at all. Just a kiss before he goes out and when he comes in, nothing else!. What can I do to try to get something back? I realise we are not going to be at it like rabbits now. I am 55 and he is 58 But surely it can't all be over just yet? Any tips from you would be very gratefully received. Thank you

kittylester Fri 31-Jul-20 10:30:24

I have no advice, I'm afraid but you should be aware there are also grandfathers on this site.

Someone will be along soon, I'm sure.

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 31-Jul-20 10:43:16

Time for a sit down and a proper talk, open and honest and don’t get up until you have some answers.
If it’s as he says then you have a choice to make, stay and put up with it or walk away.
If he loves you that much then he would make an effort , for you, (without being too graphic), if he doesn’t want to bother then , again, it’s up to you to stay or go.
Question is would you be more miserable without him, than you are with him?

Galaxy Fri 31-Jul-20 10:46:18

Are there any medical issues, could you discuss that possibility with him. 55 is very young you would need to think how you would feel about this fir the next 20 - 30 years.

Davidhs Fri 31-Jul-20 12:39:50

Men are just a different as women and some loose their sexdrive early, some remain active, it’s interesting that OP has mentioned lack of affection, rather than lack of sex. My new partner divorced her husband for just that reason, she hadn’t had a cuddle for 10yrs (her words).

That must have been really hard for her because when we cuddle now she just melts, we have both been surprised how strong our sex drives are, jokingly we refer to ourselves as “seenagers”.

All I can suggest is have a serious talk with your husband, tell him a peck on the cheek is not enough, you want a proper cuddle and see what happens, hide the pajamas too. Viagra and other treatments are available over the counter and online if you need them.

sodapop Fri 31-Jul-20 12:45:06

Oopsadaisy is right, you need to have a frank and honest discussion about this however uncomfortable that is . 55 is young to end your sex life. If there are medical reasons then you need to investigate further. It's not just about the sex but about feeling loved and attractive. Talk to your husband Piperly good luck.

kittylester I'm sure the grandfathers will have some helpful suggestions. It would be good to have a male view on this.

Grandad1943 Fri 31-Jul-20 13:52:54

Oopsadaisy, as you will be well aware a physical change has to take place in men for sex to take place and at the age of approximately fifty plus it is often that a range of issues can come about preventing that from happening.

Often there it is a straight forward remedy such as the taking of Viagra that can bring about full erections and sex can then happily take place.

However, the age of fifty plus is also the age in men when prostate problems very often appear and that can prevent full erections taking place and through that a great loss of confidence in men which they will not readily discuss with others.

I feel that you should sit down with your husband Oopsadaisy and ask him in a very diplomatic manner if his urinating is as it should be. In that, the symptoms of problems can be difficulty in starting urination, a weak stream while urinating and stopping while feeling the bladder is not properly empty. Should any of the above symptoms be present then medical attention should be sought as soon as possible?

In the above, it is often just the age related enlarging of the prostate that can bring about the above problems which in these times can be treated by medication. That stated the above symptoms can also be signs of a more serious condition which will require far larger treatments.

Therefore I would advise that do not let your husband just turn to the use of viagra to better your sex life if any of the above urination conditions are present. Should those symptoms exist seek advise from your GP who will in all probability send him for tests. One of those tests is "very unpleasant" indeed and therefore your husband will require much support all through the testing process.

I speak as one who has been through all the above and told no one until blood started to appear in my urine. It should also be remembered that prostrate conditions are one of the largest terminal illness situations in men.

Hope the above helps Oopsadaisy.

twinnytwin Fri 31-Jul-20 14:07:13

Excellent advice.

Hithere Fri 31-Jul-20 14:17:38

You need to talk together and see why and what changed.

Best of luck

Grandad1943 Fri 31-Jul-20 15:44:47

Apologies, my above post should have been addressed to Piperly as the opening poster and not to Oopsadaisy as I stated in my [email protected]:52.

Again apologies

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 31-Jul-20 15:50:55

Crikey grandad !!
I was thinking about the lack of affection as well though, let’s cut to the Chase - there are other ways of satisfying your partner than penetrative sex and if the OPs husband isn’t interested then there is possibly a problem other than Medical.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 31-Jul-20 15:54:19

I feel so bad for you. I have the opposite problem at the minute. My husband still wants to have sex, despite having medical problems. He tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I still am, but I just don’t see it. Menopause has changed me and run off with my sex drive!😟. We’re both 60, and were fine at your age, but I know people of your age who are struggling. It may be good to try and talk it out. Perhaps he has pain somewhere, as in my husband’s case, or something on his mind. Whatever it is, I hope you get it resolved. I believe love is much more important though, and maybe that could also be discussed in case something has changed. All the best to you .

Alexa Fri 31-Jul-20 15:58:52

Maybe offer to suck, blow, show off, tell exciting stories, mutual masturbation, do it before a meal?

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 31-Jul-20 16:00:29

Wow Alexa I need whatever you’ve got!!🤪

Lucca Fri 31-Jul-20 16:59:12

Alexa

Maybe offer to suck, blow, show off, tell exciting stories, mutual masturbation, do it before a meal?

Your post made me think of Dan Mascall commentating on Wimbledon. “oh I say!,!”

Piperly Fri 31-Jul-20 18:02:33

Thank you everyone for your very helpful advice and tips grin. I have tried but get rejected but in a nice way, he is not horrid to me at all. I will sit him down and ask if he has any health issues. I'll let you know how I get on. Thanks again

agnurse Sat 01-Aug-20 06:32:19

I'd strongly recommend that he go and get a checkup from his doctor.

Depression, diabetes, and heart problems are just a few of the medical conditions that can cause performance issues. His provider will be able to determine whether there is a medical or psychiatric issue that needs to be resolved.

JuneRose Sat 01-Aug-20 21:16:09

Hi Piperly. You could be describing my life. I am in the same situation but after 15 years of marriage. For 13 years things were good- of course we had our ups and downs but I thought life was good. Two years ago everything changed and things are pretty much as you describe. We are in separate bedrooms- his decision. He’s not shouty or mean but there’s very little affection and no love life, not even holding hands anymore. He absolutely refuses to talk about it. It hurts like hell. Who knows where we go from here?

Urmstongran Sat 01-Aug-20 21:45:47

When he goes out is he meeting someone else?
Just a thought.

Spangler Sat 01-Aug-20 21:55:25

Alexa

Maybe offer to suck, blow, show off, tell exciting stories, mutual masturbation, do it before a meal?

I was thinking of something along the same lines only caution told me that best wait until I'm better known.

Piperly, does he have a fetish? There's not a red blooded man that I know who isn't rendered gaga by his lady donning stockings and suspender belt.

maggiemay2 Sun 02-Aug-20 09:25:48

my husband had the same problem and started having testosterone injections after going through some tests and seeing a specialist. It does require examination to make sure no prostate cancer etc but the end results are certainly worth it.

timetogo2016 Sun 02-Aug-20 09:34:24

I have a friend in a similar situation,i adviced her to have a date night once a month and don`t pull out the stops.
It`s worked up to now with the aid of viagra i must add.

Agranbytheendofthesummer Sun 02-Aug-20 09:34:31

Stockings and suspenders belt? Oh please, what an outdated, cheesy cliche! Also very damaging if she walked into the bedroom dressed like that and was rejected.
Talk to your husband OP, gently and without blame, try and get to the bottom of it, you are both very young to give up sex and more importantly, physical affection 💐

harrigran Sun 02-Aug-20 09:45:17

To those mentioning Viagra, be aware that you should be checked by a Dr before taking drugs like that, they are not without risk.
I would suggest a well man check up and have PSA checked, men don't like to think there is anything wrong but prostate problems do arise with age.

Gilmul Sun 02-Aug-20 09:49:57

I agree that at 55 it is too young to just give up on sex, a very honest, caring conversation is warranted encompassing the physical and mental issues as previously discussed by all above. What you have to be prepared for is his inability to admit a problem. However it is a problem and as you used to have a good sex life surely he misses that too? We are at an age where freedom from children, financial pressures sometimes easing, more time for ourselves etc. To have a good sex life is a wonderful part of aging and can often be even better than ever before. I truly hope things work out for you. X