Have you told your child how much they hurt you, and does it help?

Have you thought about writing down your feelings and when it says exactly what you want it to say, sending it to your daughter? In that way you can edit and re-edit until it comes across exactly the way you want it to. The problem with directly talking is that it can lead to angry conversations and recriminations and ill feelings, which is exactly what you want to avoid. But I do think it’s important to let your daughter know how you feel. Relationships are really difficult at times but communication is the key. She may have no idea how bad it makes you feel and I know that if my mother felt like you do I would want to modify my behaviour because I really don’t want to hurt her.

Personally I would send her an email, explain exactly how you feel and ask what you can both so to make things better between you. She is not a mind reader so unless you are open, word it very non confrontational, things will not improve, I wish you well ....

I think I am sort of the opposite Flopen.

I have two grown sons, the eldest has my 4 gks. (ie. younger no children,not their choice)
gks only live about 6 miles from us, so ,our choice, (when dh was alive) for us to go to them, they have large house/garden, so a break for us, now I try to continue that, being isolated, it gets me out etc.

now they ie. dh and and dil have suggested, in a sort of back handed way that they can`t have me visiting at weekends, I only ever stay a couple of hours, and told them and told them they don`t have to "entertain" me, ie. can get on with their many jobs to do... so yes, I can hear someone saying
well ask them! I can`t do that, I would be in tears, I am at a more than emotional stage than ever I was.

so I feel rejected, unloved, unwanted.

now my mum lived with me!!! when dad died, she came to live with me, and stayed, my choice, her choice... so slightly different to you Flopen

so praps many of us have these hangups,, as we get older...

weekends are the worst for me, and that is what I heard my ds and dil saying.. come during the week! dark nights coming, I can`t drive in the dark...

I think I am dwelling too much on all of this and have to let go and get on with something else.. but what? I am no chicken, ie. getting on in years.

It is all perception, when my parents would come and visit me and stay in a hotel instead of our home. I saw it as a type of rejection. They saw it as giving us the space we needed and not being a burden in a busy family home.
Next visit, ask what they would prefer, but do not take offence if the hotel is suggested as other things could be happening at their home.
Personally, I prefer not to stay with people as I feel uncomfortable. Not them.

Can`t add anything more than what`s been posted.
Well done all.

flopen I have exactly the same type of upbringing so have behaved like you. Yes and got hurt by what I perceived. And that's it. When you hear the true story it is usually totally different to what you had heard and imagined.
You have been very considerate in your stay, it could well be the in laws weren't.

Good thought. I'll go away and think about it

Can I ask, what is it that you would like to be different? Sometimes it's helpful to start from there rather than make comparisons, either with in laws or with your relationship with your mother.

Obviously not the staying in the house since the hotel is your choice.

So if I could wave a magic wand, what one thing would you change about how things are now ?

thank you all so much.
We actually bought an air bed, and slept on the floor once, but find it more comfortable to stay in a nearby hotel. So, yes, our choice.
I often think about the hurt I've caused my mother, and think this is karma. But she WAS unreasonable and demanding. And I still lose out when I'm bending over backwards to be the opposite.
Anyway, thanks everybody. Your responses do help.

The in laws may have been foisted on your dd and she had no choice. Have you asked her if she would like you to stay at their house? Maybe she would like it, maybe not. Again perhaps the in laws were instrumental in the children being up late. Maybe they wound them up and they were overtired. Maybe your dd was cursing the in laws! ☺ I understand you are feeling sore about this and it's occupying a big space in your mind and heart. However you do have to let it go as it is doing you no good.

Apologies Flopen- autobluddywrongagain!

I think sometimes none of us know how much we hurt our own parents when we were younger and our own children won’t realise their own thoughtlessness until their children do it to them! Such is life!

Take it at her speed and intensity Florentine’s, and don’t be comparing what t’other side get/do - thereby madness lies!

Don’t let it ruin your life or your relationship
I can see where the differences are affecting your thoughts whose idea was it to stay at a hotel?b yours or hers if it was yours then obviously the in laws didn’t suggest it however if she asked you to stay in a hotel and didn’t ask the in,laws then that is strange and I d feel miffed too
I can’t personally understand this business of staying in hotels to visit a close family member, my children would think I was a nut if I went and stayed in a hotel when visiting them and even my extended family would be mortified, theyd rather sleep on the floor than have us stay in a hotel
You say your daughter is very loving so I d take that with both hands and try not to dwell on other things
are you sure you’re not projecting your own flawed relationship with your mum onto your mother/daughter relationship