Moving away from family

I don't think any man should try to stop you seeing your family. He knew you had children when you got together but maybe not having a family of his own he possibly didn't appreciate the strength of those ties. It's sad that he is making it a them or him situation. I think you would end up resenting him if you were to move away and you'd miss your family dreadfully. Would you be able to travel back regularly to see them or is he expecting you to cut yourself off? He doesn't sound like much of a team player. To buy a house secretly is pretty calculated. I don't think you should have to choose but the situation is of his making not yours and you shouldn't be guilt tripped into a decision that you are not comfortable with.

I have to say, if I were in your husband's position, I would probably move away too. I don't want to be involved with a partner's family either.

However, in your position, I would cleave to my family. You will be very isolated if you move away to an area you don't know, to a house he's selected.

If you both have homes, let him go. Tell him you're very sad about it and that you'll miss him desperately, but that don't want to move away again.

The fact that he bought a house and renovated it behind your back tells you all you need to know. He is moving there, with or without you. He knew you had a family when he married you and is now telling you that you have to choose; them or him. If you go with him, you'll feel that you've been bullied into moving away from your family and be miserable ever after. If you manage to cajole him into staying near your family, he'll be miserable and blame you.

It's a no brainer; let him go. Blood is thicker than water.

Morley 58 if you only see your daughters and gc once a week, that seems to leave plenty of time for you to spend with your dh. However you mention 3 daughters. Do you see them all at the same time once a week or do you mean that you spend one day a week with each of them?

If you are seeing each separate family once a week I can see how he might be feeling a bit lonely as that would take up almost half of the week every week. It is a real dilemma. It is natural for you to want to spend plenty of time with your family but I can see that he may not find that so great.

On the other hand, if you mean that you only spend one day a week in total with your family that seems fair enough.

Of course there is the other problem of him not liking the area. He seems very determined to make a change if he has bought another house without consulting you.

I hope you can find some sort of compromise but of course that is only going to work if it leaves both of you feeling a reasonable degree of happiness. In the end, if he is determined to move away, only you can decide whether to stay or go. It may be possible that he would compromise by moving to an area which is more countrified but still within a reasonable travel distance to your family so that you could still see them weekly. Hope you can find a solution you can both be happy with.

He did as you wished and has given it a try. He does not like it. You don't be taking I to account that he has given it a try. I can see that living in a built up area is very different to being in the country. I could never do that. Is a possible compromise that you move to a countryside area but closer to your children than you were? It seems you are wanting it all your way. Compromise is a word tgat comes to mind

Is there no countryside/villages you could move to that is near to the area you are living in, that is still close enough to see your family but hasn't the hustle and bustle of a town? You could split your time between both places/possibly rent out the place he has done up. Some compromise on both sides is needed.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh BUT I think your husband is behaving like a spoilt child ! I do empathise with him not enjoying where you are living, BUT he is a grown man and cannot have it all his own way. To have purchased a house without your knowledge is appalling ! Such a lack of trust ! Does he not have children of his own ? It sounds like jealousy, I would NOT move away from your children and GC, sounds like he’s planning to leave you anyhow, I’d be getting my financial affairs in order ! Best of luck xx

I see my dd and gc who live an hour and a half drive away every couple of weeks, but I chat andWhatsApp my dd all the time, and my local dd also - WhatsApp phone calls drop ins. They are my kids, my second husband of 25 years didn’t want any children, although I think he regrets that a bit now.
It gets on his nerves that I am so close with my daughters, he says I’m obsessed with texting them etc. But he just has to suck it up! As they say. As a couple we are happy.
I think your husband has made his choice by buying his house in the area you used to live. Bye!

I’m with you, what a horrible choice !

What an absolutely awful situation, let me check I have this right...? A long term bachelor marries a vibrant, family-orientated lady, they live in isolation for 8 years, finally move to be nearer family-orientated lady's family, long-term bachelor continues to isolate against said family, doesn't have any outside interests, begrudges family-orientated lady even thinking about family let alone seeing them once a week, secretly purchases another isolated home and still states he's not happy? Hmmmmm...

You say there is more that you can’t say here. It very much sounds as if he wants out. If he’s been buying and renovating a house he obviously doesn’t include you in his plans. It takes ages to renovate a house. When has he been doing it? Have you not wondered where he’s been? It’s second time round for me and sometimes my DH opts out of my family gatherings. But then there’s other times he looks after GC all in his own. I think the thing missing here is communication and compromise. If he’s not up for counselling then maybe you are better on your own with your family. .

Where is HIS family in all this?

Has the fact that you have moved to be near your family resulted in him being isolated from his? I've seen this so often - the wife concentrates on HER family whilst the husband's gets neglected.
He did say, a year ago, that he wasn't happy - you really must think this over calmly and reach a compromise.

To be quite honest, why did you marry him in the first place?
You were married before and have a family from that - he hadn't and you expected him to just slot into your life at your convenience? Hardly fair is it?
You got your way, moved closer to your family and do nothing but run your life around them, to the point of excluding him from any social contact with them and you are surprised that he is unhappy and feels used and unwanted?
You complain that you only see your family only a couple of times a week - what do you do the rest of the week? Has it never occurred to you to go out with your husband on the other days, even if it is just out for a meal, or a walk, or when possible to something that he is interested in.
If you want your marriage to continue, you need to involve him in your family and also, is it not possible to move to somewhere that is still within reach of your family, but in a less built up area? All very well to suggest counselling - but both of you need to want to make the changes to make your relationship work, not just go to a few appointments and carry on as you were before.

Let him go
Move on

Obviously I don't know you Morley and I wish you well in this difficult situation, but I do have several friends who think and talk endlessly about their families to the exclusion of almost any other topic. This can get tedious, even for friends, and I do have some sympathy for men who have not had children of their own and really struggle to adapt to a second relationship involving a family once the initial glow has worn off. I don't think this is necessarily 'needy', he has made it clear that he is unhappy and going to the extent of setting up another house for himself shows that he is fairly desperate. I don't know if there is any chance of a compromise, but try to look at it from the opposite point of view... the misery of women whose partners are obsessed with their motor bikes, gardens or even their jobs and talk and think about not much else!

When you marry someone knowing they have a family, you accept that you will be sharing your spouse with the extended family.
MM has to distance Prince Harry from his family and it sounds as if your DH is trying to do the same.
If he is not prepared to give and take then perhaps he would be better off 200 miles away in a house he thought it was okay to buy on the quiet.

Marriage is a compromise, and both of your happiness is equally important, so if you do move 200 ml away, you will be unhappy. Mediation may be the way forward, but if he won’t budge, it’s a big decision for you. Would you stay with someone who is all about him ? Only you can answer that.

I truly don't understand this couples-exclusivity thing. Couples have to make contingency plans for one dying first. Living in the back of beyond as a widow 200 miles from family is not a plan.
I understand this husband has lived his adult life getting his own way. He isn't going to change. Can he be negotiated with? Can both houses be sold and a quieter area found?
Imo when we retire, these things have to be considered.

Morley58I am in a second marriage for over thirty years but we both had children and now grandchildren. Your husband has only this marriage so he has no experience with children nor does he know what it means to have them and grandchildren. He sounds possessive and wants you all to himself like a child. No way would I move from my family. Why do you have to give them up? He needs to learn to share like he was taught at five years old. He could embrace your family and be a part of it.
You can have the best of both worlds family and husband. He sounds very immature I’m sorry. He knew you gave a family before you married. I would not move or if I did it would be in the same area but away from traffic.

He obviously sees his future/ retirement with you doing things together making plans together. And as he’s not family orientated he didn’t anticipate he would have to share you with your family. What do you do together when your not seeing your family? Do you share things together or go places together, or are you just sitting around waiting till you next see your family. Could you not move to more rural area where you are now, why does it have to be back where you came from. I think some compromise has to be had on both sides. You shouldn’t have to choose,but he wants a life with you away from family, so somehow you have to work out how to put this in place.

My 2nd marriage was like this. He wanted it to be just the 2 of us. No one else. Particularly no family didn't like me having friends going out without him. Controlling. In secure. Jealous. Manipulative. All these words come to mind. Others have mentioned these solutions counselling relate etc . If you've tried these then you have to put yourself and your happiness first. I was 58 when l left him. Scary and difficult to start again in later life. It's a bonus if you have family and good friends to help you before you lose them. I hope you make the right decision for your mental and physical well-being.

IMO he’s being very unreasonable in expecting you to concentrate on him, and give up most of the contact you have with your own family. Especially if you only see them once a week!
It does seems incredibly selfish on his part. If he needs to live in a quieter area, isn’t there somewhere a lot closer than 200 miles away?
TBH I wouldn’t do it - I couldn’t give up my own family to that extent. I’d ditch him (and probably get a dog instead.)

However all this really resonated with me, since a close friend had similar with her (now deceased) dh. It was a 2nd marriage for both, he’d never had children, she had 2 a long way away.)

He really resented the little enough time she spent with her children and grandchildren - to him her place was with him, catering to his every want and need. He would sulk massively on her return, to ‘serve her right’.
He was a very selfish and self centred man.
She has since moved close to her own family and is very happy.

Could it be not so much the time spent with your family but your constant talking about them to the exclusion of him and other things?

I think the answer is in the first part of your post. It’s his first marriage late on in life. He obviously in my opinion is bad at forming close relationships. ( I have a poor opinion of a lot of men) I think he married you to have someone look after him in his old age. He should have tried to embrace family life but clearly haven’t and now resents it.
I personally would get out whilst you are still young enough to enjoy the rest of you life and family.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Hi
As hard as it maybe i would let him go. Family i feel comes first .the fact he bought a house without telling you i think is wrong. Be happy with your family dont move and leave them sounds like coersive control be careful sounds like your not happy he us trying to isolate you. Hes a man not a child acting up. Also once a week is nothin he has the issues not you. Take care hope you sort it