Moving away from family

To me, one partner dictating to the other about who they may or may not see is a massive red flag. Whether it is family, friends or whomever - unless there is a genuine reason why seeing them is harmful it should be up to you if you see them or not. Nobody would stop me from seeing my children, and I would struggle to love anyone who wanted to try.

The question of how often is one that you and your husband need to discuss, though. As 52Bright points out, it is not really clear whether you are seeing each of your daughters separately once a week, or spending one day a week in total with them. If it's the former it does, I think, make a difference. Not to whether or not you should see them, but to how much time you and your husband have together.

I would not be happy if my husband bought a house miles away from me. Doing so would make a massive dent in our shared finances, however, so it would be a dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't dream of spending that sort of money without discussing it with him either. Maybe if you and your husband have enough spare cash to absorb expenditure like that you see it differently, though.

Even so, the distance involved, and the fact that a house is to live in is important - it's not just the money, it's the fact that he is buying somewhere to live in without you.

It does sound as though you have very separate lives, financially, emotionally and geographically. How do you feel about him? That hasn't really been discussed. If he did leave, how would you feel about it, and would you be ok financially?

Wow buying a house without telling you, that’s a biggie! We aren’t talking about a small thing here, sounds as though he really has had enough if he’s renovating it and says he will move in with or without you,

I am sure that your husband could have found somewhere nearer than 200 miles away. He knew that you had moved to be closer to your family because you missed them so much but now he is saying he wants you to move far away. Your happiness isn't at the top of his mind, his is the one that counts. Yes, he has tried but it does seem that there is a lack of compromise overall (maybe from both of you) and a complete incompatibility of values when it comes to family.
His neediness, his willingness to go behind your back and his ultimatum that he goes with you or alone all ring alarm bells to me. My husband isn't as family orientated as I am. As an only child with few relatives, he really doesn't get sibling relationships or wider relationships and certainly doesn't want to spend his life visiting relatives but he is more than happy for me to do so. We have a balance because I enjoy his company enough to want to spend a lot of my time with him. Can you say that about your husband?
It sounds like you are at a crossroads and only you can determine whether he is worth such a huge sacrifice. Personally, it would be a definite no from me although I would be prepared to compromise.

Morley58 I really do feel for you as you are in an awful situation. However, I can't get past the fact that he bought another property and renovated it without telling you! Did you never wonder where he was spending his time and what he was doing? It seems you have some big decisions to make about your future. I wish you well.

Do you love him ? If not just sort the finances and say goodbye. Life is definitely too short.

Totally on his side actually.
One life to live, and he wants to live it with you, not as a spare you-know-what-at-a-wedding.
The other house etc, points to a very unhappy individual.
You really really need to sit down and talk/get couples counselling to resolve this.
I am surprised that you are "devestated", and echo WELBEK's comments.

I only ever had the one marriage but I'm naive enough to wonder what kind of relationship under the heading of marriage affords one to buy a house without the other partner knowing. Blimey! Of course, I've heard of the more modern practice of separate bank accounts but, a house? Even if he did anticipate luring you away, are you to have no say in the location, style or decor of this dwelling? I'm certainly no expert but this sounds very cold, uncaring and indifferent. His one redeeming feature is that he was willing to give moving closer to your family a go. He can't be all bad. Very difficult for you but at least you have choices. Hope you manage to achieve an outcome which makes you happy.

First of all I would say that you lived with this man down south for 7 year and agreed to move 200 miles north. He does not like the built up area when he has lived in the countryside for 50 years, I don't blame him.
You also have to remember that your gc will eventually go to school and your dd will perhaps go to work so may not be available for a day out every week and then where will you be if your day out every week stops.
My son and family move 250 north 10 years ago and we see then a couple of times a year and a lot of that was sitting in soft play areas which was as enjoyable as watching paint dry.
I think you really need to have a good talk to yourself and ask yourself whether you love this man or not. He will be there for you when your children and grand children have gone and got on with their own lives and you do not see much of them. Your first priority should be to your husband.
Perhaps your husband bought the house and decorated it as a surprise or perhaps he is just fed up and want to go and live on his own, you really need to ask him that and then decide if you both want to continue with the marriage.
You could visit your daughter once a month and stay over night and spend the rest of your time going out with your husband as the countryside is much preferable to a built up area.

I wouldn't make a move further away from my children and grandchildren. He has obviously decided he is going to move away (why buy a property otherwise) so you need to decide if you are going to stay with him and make the move as well or find somewhere to live on your own close to your family. My advice would be to let him go - maybe he will find that being on his own isn't what he wants and he will be prepared to make a compromise. I have a friend whose partner is settled quite some distance away (both are retired). They spend half the week at her home and the other half of the week at his, this might be an option that could work for you perhaps?

It doesn't sound as though he's been at a loose end, lonely and pining for your company whilst you've been spending time with your family. Perhaps it suited him as, presumably, in your absence, it seems he was secretly renovating a house 200 miles away. It must have taken up a great deal of his time. Did you ever suspect anything?

I presume your husband was single until his fifties or did he have any long term relationships before you married? if so why did previous relationships end ? There may be some clues or patterns that might help provide some direction.

Also there does appear to be an absence of any detail of what you do by way of leisure activities as a couple. If you are going out and doing things with your family and nothing interesting when you are with him, no wonder he feels left out of the relationship. I think he has reached the point of giving you an ultimatum as you do not appear to have taken on board his unhappiness with urban life. Buying a second home without telling you speaks volumes.
If there is any mileage left in your marriage and as others have said you are going to have to compromise.

I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable to want to be near your family and see them. He bought a house behind your back? Sounds to me that he wants you to himself. He knew you had a family when you married, please don't make yourself unhappy

By buying another house and doing it up without telling you shows a complete lack of trust in your marriage. If you are spending too much time either with or thinking about your family why is that? Is it because there is so much lacking in your marriage? Neither your nor your husband seem happy in this marriage and it might be best for you to part. You need to think about it carefully. Seeking counselling either on your own or preferably both of you would be a good move to sort out what you both want for the future and whether it is obtainable together or apart.

DH has always said to me that when he goes I should feel free to have another relationship but under no circumstances marry them.
We have experienced second marriages in extended family and seen the grief when the new spouse walks off with all the money and family heirlooms.

It seems your husband was single till his fifties...this signals a reluctance to be committed at the least. I think you are very lucky having a good relationship with your family, especially with the grandchildren - they are the future and your influence will outlive you. One day a week or fortnight is not unreasonable. What would be reasonable would be to find a house that is both more rural and near your family. He is making you feel guilty...that is not a good sign. good luck. Surely the time that women sacrificed their family ties for a husband is over?

Compromise by looking to move to a quiet countryside area that's still within a daily commute of your family?
Also, once there, throw yourself into the local life together with your DH so that he's got people to see and things to do on the days you're not around? Also look at making some of the time spent with AC and GC at weekends when their orher halves are around so your DH is included?
You really should have taken on board what your DH said a year ago and not just ignored and continued to plough your own furrow. You did have warning this was coming but you ignored it. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
You hint that there may be more to it but I have based my reply on information given. Hope you can find a way forward.

Is there no way you could move midway to a quieter place. You would have further to travel to see your GC but you may have more time with your DH. It is possible to exist without close regular contact with GC, many do!

I agree with the others who have said move to a country village that you can visit your family from . He can’t expect you to give up your family and you can’t expect him to live in a town if he hates it . One of you will eventually and inevitably end up on your own so if it’s you you’ll be glad of your family then . If it’s him he can happily suit himself!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So he told you he was unhappy and expects you to do everything he wants to make him happy. Where does your happiness fit into his plans? There is nothing stopping him going to soft play except he doesn't want to, his choice. Maybe he just wants you to himself with no family to distract you from catering for his every need. Think carefully before letting this situation isolate you from your family, your happiness is important too.

Perhaps he's a country bumpkin like me. I wouldn't survive in the city, I would hate it. Perhaps if you lived in the countryside but closer to your family he would accept the balance.

I’d consult a solicitor. Buying and renovating a house without your knowledge sounds like the first step in stealthy divorce proceedings.

Tbh you do sound like a bit of a family-obsessed lady. Someone else posted that they spend a lot of time phoning and What’s-apping their family, apart from meeting them. Is that what you do, too? You have known for a year that your DH thinks that your family intrudes too much on your marriage, but don’t seem to have taken this on board. Did you do anything, at all, to resolve the situation? Does he sit at home, bored, when you are out. Has he got any friends or hobbies? Do you do things together, or do you spend your home-time talking about your family?
It seems that he has given it a good go by moving north with you, but can’t settle. Has he considered that, if he goes to live in his isolated house on his own, he may be even more bored and lonely?
Perhaps he has been underhanded in buying the house, and needy in wanting you to himself. I certainly wouldn’t move so far away from your family, whom you may need help from as you get older. You do need to do some serious talking together. Decide if you both love each other enough to try to find a compromise, or if you should just cut your losses and separate.
I can see faults on both sides. Only the two of you can decide on the way forward.

I was in a similar situation which unfortunately ended our partnership. Now all the grandchildren are grown up I dont see much of them at all. Wish I had moved and saved the relationship. Kenny

Well this is all very interesting stuff as I happen to be the husband of Morley58! Probably not unheard of for a response to occur from the other party but I’m sure it’s a rarity. Having seen my wife looking on Gransnet such a lot, my curiosity was piqued so I did a quick search. She will understand why I was able to track down the thread immediately – so maybe not as creepy as it initially sounds.

This response is obviously to my wife and not to the good people posting on Gransnet. However, given the description of the situation, I am surprised by the number of responses that indicate a certain amount of understanding towards me; I don’t think I would have given her husband the time of day. From the description provided by Morley he deserves nothing but contempt.

As so many of you have pointed out, inevitably, you are only going to get one side of a story and the same applies to me just as it does to Morley58. However, in this case I would request that if anything I say in this post is inaccurate, then please correct me Morley58.

In 2016 given the birth of grandchildren, it became clear that Morley58 was being pulled elsewhere. I may not have children, but I am not insensitive. It was a serious issue for Morley so I willingly agreed to sell up and make a new home closer to her family. I have an active life with many friends and interests, so setting up somewhere new was not particularly daunting. Furthermore, whilst her family have always been pleasant to me, I have never felt a sense of inclusion; perhaps the move would go some way to remedying an otherwise acceptable, if not loving arrangement.

I worked hard with Morley to build a good home environment and I must stress it was me that insisted that whenever we saw her family we should always go as a pair. Really, if I was to (and should) accept her family, then some degree of reciprocation ought to be forthcoming. Unfortunately, that inclusion did not materialise and events (that Morley knows all about) led me to the inescapable conclusion that most of her family, whilst being outwardly pleasant cared little about whether I was there or not. Inclusivity and being made to feel even a small part of the family was never going to be on the cards despite me trying for the first two years to make the effort. (I admit to no longer making this effort as I realise there is nothing much I can do now to change anything).

By this stage, Morley was becoming so focused on the grandchildren and her family that we as a couple were becoming progressively more irrelevant. It was NEVER the issue that Morley visited family. As the active and gregarious one I am always happy for Morley to visit family as on a purely selfish note I get more time to pursue my own interests and friends. The issue is that we had stopped doing things as a couple. Even when we were together, Morley’s actions indicated she was focused almost exclusively on her family. Perhaps you good people from Gransnet might like to ask how many friends Morley has in this area and how often she sees them. Work that one out for yourselves!

Eventually, 18 months ago things clarified in my mind and it became clear I did not belong here or in this relationship anymore. Through inheritance I had come into a reasonable amount of money and was in a position to buy a second home but had not purchased it.

It was at this time I explained to Morley how I was feeling and why. I know it was a bombshell and she took it badly. I will forever feel bad about this and it was at that stage I proposed a solution that we keep both homes and spend equal amounts of time at each. I had hoped (in my poor deluded male way) that physical distancing might focus Morley’s attention more on us as a couple. I would have been happy to do my part and engage more with the family when staying in the North. This was met with less than enthusiastic approval but not complete dismissal so I did go ahead and buy the house 6 months later - at least I had a bolt hole to go to if all else failed.

During this time I consulted with many friends (male and female) and asked them to appraise my actions in a negative way to act as Devil’s Advocate. Was I being totally unreasonable? Please look at the situation from Morley’s point of view not mine. Everybody was upset to see the way things were developing but understood there was little choice in the way I had acted. (Yes, I know they were my friends!)

Currently, we are going ahead with the two homes narrative and I genuinely hope we can make it work. I do love Morley and we are good together. I would never have continued and taken things this far otherwise. As Morley has explained, this is a bare bones summary and there are always further factors feeding in and details that could potentially be hurtful to mention. Whatever the outcome I hope you will wish us both well for the future.