Very difficult DIL

Oh dear. This could be me. It doesn't matter who I'm visiting after a bit I need some alone time. I've always thought they might be glad to see the back of me for a bit too?

If I could sit quietly and read on the same room that would be manageable but some people just can't help talking to you.

For the record I adored my mother in law but she could only go about five minutes before needing to engage. I used to go for a walk.

I also used to disappear to give her some time with her son, without me tagging along.

Now I think I might have got it all wrong.

I have a d.il. who has treated me awfully at times, snide remarks, and if there were no snide remarks, it was the silent treatment. Blame my son......he can be obnoxious and she must have picked up the vibes and thought 'what's sauce for the goose.....'. Things between us are better now, but we are certainly not best of friends.
For the sake of your son and grandchildren, just go with the flow....

It does seem a bit rude just to disappear for a couple of hours without saying anything. Best not to say anything to her as your dh says but you are both thinking badly of her. Instead of thinking ill of her when she may have a reason to need to be alone, how about showing some thoughtful concern?When she has taken herself off why not ask your son if she is alright and have you done anything to upset her?if he says she is fine just let it go.

When I read your title ‘Very difficult DIL’ I was expecting far worse than the actions you’ve listed. I too would need some time alone if I was staying with friends or family for a weekend. I can’t do ‘sociable’ for days on end. It doesn’t mean I don’t like my hosts. It just means I need my own space for a while. Neither would I feel the need to join in on Skype. You speak to your DS and DGDs so why do you need to speak with DIL as well? Particularly as you don’t seem to like her.

Tbh, if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about.

When Mums talk to their DD and perhaps DGC on Skype, Facetime or whatever, do they expect their sons-in-law to join in the conversation too, I wonder?

Or is that ok if they don't?

I am truly amazed, shocked even, that some of these responses are so extremely unsympathetic, bordering on the brutal. If I was wanting a few helpful hints on what is to us a delicate situation, then obviously this is not the place to encounter them.
To say "if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about" is judgemental. How do you know what we have to worry about? Don't worry though, wont be posting again. Cyber-warriors!

All replies seem fairly reasonable to me, seeing that we only know one side of the story.

Are you a new poster, CountessFosco?
If so, welcome if you are still on here.

You took the words right out of my mouth callistemon

When we talk to our DDs on Skype we sometimes here a shout as a Male passes through the room but that is all. They do WhatsApp every now and again - birthdays and Christmas or can you have the children! And, I love them all!

As JuneRose says surely a bit of give and take isn't too much to ask. It costs nothing to wish someone a happy birthday and just to be pleasant surely.

I would tend to agree anna7. However the problem is her DIL is not fitting that "model" and probably never will because it is not her way in this context! Is that behaviour worth challenging as the OP doesn't like it, despite the potential consequences if arguments develop?

CountessFosco there are lots of positives in your situation. You see your family, you see your son, you enjoy your grandchildren. Your DIL does not try to stop any of that, she chooses not to engage too much which could be many for many reasons and in the end is her choice in the relationship.

I think you are best to quietly accept the situation as it is, continue to be polite and inclusive towards her. If you start to push for "a different relationship" that better fits the picture that you had of that relationship, you could lose some or all of what you already have that is positive. These things can escalate, can cause misunderstandings etc

Others have suggested gifts etc and that one can "catch more flies with honey" (like that phrase). This may help. However I think you need to keep in mind that it may not work; she may not want a deeper relationship; she may not respond in the way you want ...and ensure that if that is the case those gifts etc don't become yet another source of resentment for you. She may just not be interested!

Accept and enjoy what you have and leave her be, as your wise husband says

Your Dil does not sound 'Very Difficult' to me.
As suggested, you could ask your son if she is all right when she has disappeared for a bit.
If he says she's fine and not upset with you, then don't worry.
She may be exaggerating about hating her mother, or she may have good reason.
Either way, it seems she doesn't hate you so just accept her as she is and you should find things less stressful.

CountessFosco

I am truly amazed, shocked even, that some of these responses are so extremely unsympathetic, bordering on the brutal. If I was wanting a few helpful hints on what is to us a delicate situation, then obviously this is not the place to encounter them.
To say "if these minor things leave you feeling ‘disrespected’ then quite frankly you obviously don’t have enough to worry about" is judgemental. How do you know what we have to worry about? Don't worry though, wont be posting again. Cyber-warriors!

So...you can’t figure out why your DIL might want some time to herself, huh?

welbeck may have sussed this.
It follows a pattern
New poster, problems with DIL.

from the britannica, re interesting user -name,....

Count Fosco, in full Count Isidore Ottavio Baldassore Fosco, fictional character, a refined but implacable villain in The Woman in White (1860) by Wilkie Collins. Fosco is considered the original of the corpulent, cultured villain who later became a common type in crime novels

Well I never!

We have that book on the bookshelf but have never read it (it was MIL's).

Well done Welbeck

Why on earth do people do this? !!!!

What are they looking for? Ammunition against MiLs?

No idea Gagajo ...who knows!!

* it would be more pleasant for the son if his wife makes an effort to get on with his mum. Isn't that what families are all about?*

If it were a son-in-law who refused to engage even on the most basic level with her family I can guarantee that the responses would be totally different!

Agree totally with PetitFromage.. Give her time.It might be a long time but if she sees you being a lovely Gran and her children love you she will come round.Only advice- never take over and don't give opinions unless asked for and always positive!

I used to leave my husband and his mother alone together for periods when she was with us, or we with her. I certainly thought I was doing them a kindness and never thought I could be criticised for doing so.

countess
i feel for you,yours is a carbon copy of my DIL Ive tried to be civil.inject a sense of humour into this 'inlaw 'nonsense, but all i get is sneers,dirty looks etc etc ive given up on trying to be nice to her,I think ive looked at the situation from every angle ,I see a lot of 'its there problem/life you've got yours etc a lot of pop psychology around these days from forums.'I now have to regroup somehow and concentrate on keeping contact with my son and grandkids.If you want to PM please do,i share your frustrations

WELBECK I find your comments disgraceful! This is a forum for grans to express their worries and fears and get some empathetic help to enable them to deal with a situation. Your bullying comments and those of others shock me. Are you actually a MIL or a DIL who has had any issue I wonder. No one is suggesting that this particular DIL is doing anything awful BUT Countessfosco needed some advice. Thankfully there are others who are kinder than you. Thank goodness we have some respect for others feelings left in some of us.

Just leave her alone. Your husband is right.

She sounds perfectly ok to me she. Just chill out and stop looking for faults.