Very difficult DIL

I agree with those who tell you to leave her to do her own thing. I’s not unusual. My husband is from a family I find overwhelming most of the time - six siblings who forget any other family exists. It took a long time, but my OH knows how stressful this is - we have argued about it in the past but he accepts now that the introverted aspect of my personality emerges when they’re around. She’s not being difficult - she’s being different.

Just accept that she is different from.you, different mother-daughter relationship, different generation ....if she is a good mom to your grandchildren and your husband is happy .....what else matters?

Not much sympathy coming through for you but you have mine. It’s like a war of attrition and emotionally exhausting.

If it helps, I'd say that I have a good relationship with my MIL, but it's never dawned on me that I ought to join in with my husband's Skype conversations with her. I'll wave hello on the way past and nip in briefly if I have anything particular to say, but otherwise see it as their time together.

Bibbity
That’s very harsh, what that DIL is doing is not only disrespectful, it’s downright bad manners!! And you have to ask what that message sends to the children. Unacceptable!!

Leave her to it. It’s her problem, don’t make it yours. She probably won’t change, all you can do is live with it and not let it change your relationship with the rest of the family.

My DIL is much the same. She was fine at beginning (that was approx 20 years ago) but once DIL and son became more solid she somehow changed. Also, when my husband passed away she somehow became more distant towards me. I think she feared I would become dependant on them both. I understand her mother told her to be careful in that I become too needy - if anything I am quite the reverse. I am a bugger to ask for help at the best of times in any event and I have always been that way unless of course absolutely necessary. I believe much of her negatively towards me does come from her own mother. So, some years back I gave up trying to ease our relationship, trying to be friends or mates with her. Pointless. So nowadays I just work around her and only when it is convenient for her and my son I get to see my grandchildren (who are priority). At times I will get a phone call from son saying I can visit as DIL is out for whatever reason so I will visit then. Of course she is fully aware and it does not bother her at all and it does not really bother me. Likewise she has never been to my home in the 20years - of course she is asthmatic and is allergic to cats so therefore she cannot visit in any event - which I would say suits us both fine. The times when we have had to spend time in same room we are very polite to each other, i suppose we both tolerate each other but It’s not really comfortable, but then my focus is a lot on grandchildren. I accepted long ago we would never be the best of friends - it happens! It’s a shame in many ways as would have been nice to have a DIL who could be your friend, and I am sure she feels same about me. It happens in all families I.e sisters don’t get on, brothers don’t get on, relationships between parents and child also are not always perfect either! I just make the best of what I got and enjoy.

I can relate to your daughter in law. Sometimes I long to disappear for an hour or two when we have a house full. Its not bad manners as she is part of your family. I remember suggesting that our dil went for a rest when the children were small. A chance to recharge the batteries. She was so grateful. Lighten up and enjoy your family as it is.

My husband came from a large family and I found it difficult to adjust to being part of it. They were lovely people and welcomed me into the family, but I just didn't want to join in with their activities.
Perhaps your DIL feels the same. Try to see things from her point of view.

My DIL is similar - she goes out if we are there / works on her computer etc / but she is good company otherwise. We don’t comment or force the issue as it would make it uncomfortable/ I just enjoy the company of the grandchildren etc .
Not everyone wants to be with their in- laws or lots of other family members you have to respect their wishes / they partnered your son not you / sometimes you have to choose to be offended or not !

Give her a break. She has not done anything nasty or offensive to you. Perhaps she is shy, anxious, feels gauche etc. Could be all sorts of things. So long as she and your son are fine leave her to it.

Perhaps the difficulty belongs to you? You have expectations of your dil she cannot meet. You have taken your expectations to your husband and your son. They have assured you what you want is not possible. So maybe turn your question round and ask yourself quietly why you persist in being a difficult mil?

Suppose you released all expectations of your dil. No resentment no disappointment, no worrying away at why she doesnt behave as you want. Suppose you joined your son and your husband in accepting her exactly as she is. No ifs no buts.

Sometime people just need some space. I know when I have a houseful of guests. I can get overwhelmed and my guests all know if I take myself off for an hour or two it’s my resting / having some space to myself. We’re all different / I’d leave her to her peace ?

I sympathise with your desire for a closer relationship, but like others here I’d leave her to get on with it.
She comes to stay-that might have to be enough. Imagine how you’d feel if she wasn’t comfortable enough with you to do that and always stayed away.
It sounds disrespectful to just disappear without saying anything, but if that’s what she always does, perhaps she thinks you don’t mind.
I got on with my MIL, but welcomed the time she spent with the GC as a break for me.

My sympathies are with DIL. I don’t like Skyping or phoning.
If the girls (7 & 9) are nice children she’s doing something right! Give her some space. Who knows what her problems may be.

This perfectly describes both my dil . Maybe just a generation thing as they disappear somewhere else even when we are at their homes.

I agree with anna7... just good manners really.

Both my daughter and DIL suffer from social anxiety and avoid family contact. When they can't, they need to escape before their anxiety bubbles over and they can't help themselves. You wouldn't know it to look at them and I wouldn't have realised myself about my DIL until one of my other DIL's explained it to me. I thought my daughter was just someone who enjoyed ruining family occasions because she couldn't explain why she acted like she did. It was a Psychiatric Nurse who explained it.
If anxiety is the problem, confronting her about her "rudeness" will just make things worse because she will be aware her anxiety shows and is misunderstood. If she had a difficult relationship with her mother, it may be hard for her to relate to others. Be the bigger person here, taking the pressure off may be the thing that causes a better relationship in the long term.

sandelf ( what a lively and intriguing name!). I agree with you. Obviously, she is not as keen on socialising as the OP.

CountessFosco, you should not press your expectations on your daughter-in-law. She visits and brings grandchildren but does not feel comfortable sitting with the rest of the family and would rather take a break. Heaven knows, she probably needs a break from housekeeping, parenting and so on and feels she can do that in your, home knowing her husband and son are being cared for.
Not everybody finds it easy to socialise, particularly if not used to it while growing up. It sounds as though that was how it was in her case. She may well feel overwhelmed by close family life. That is not a reflection on you, just a difference in your two cultures.
I think you should feel flattered that she feels comfortable enough to feel she can go and be alone for a while while in your home.

I wonder if on mumsnet women rush in to defend Mothers in law the way on gransnet they rush in to defend daughters in law? Doubt it. There is so much MIL prejudice you’d think we were in a fifties sitcom. Does everyone perceive themselves to be put upon daughters?

Take care and tread lightly with this one. I have walked in your shoes and it does not end well.
We have a DIL just like her. Hates her Mother and at one point when I looked after our Grandson whilst she was in hospital having our second Grandson she told me she preferred me to her Mother. I offered up a silent prayer that my own Daughter would never feel like that about me. I was shocked to the core when she said it.
She had always been jealous of the relationship we had with my Son. So much so that one day she caused a row and then lied to my Son about what had happened. My DH was there at the time and knew the truth of what had gone on.
We have not seen our Son or Grandsons since. (11 years). I used to send gifts for Birthdays ect. However at one point I bought £100 worth of riding lessons for the eldest Grandson knowing he would love this. She sent them back with a covering letter to the Riding School. I don't believe either my Son or Grandson knew the gift had ever arrived.
I kept the letter the Riding School sent expressing surprise that the child had not even been allowed to try riding. Needless to say the Riding School said the lessons were non refundable and I did not blame them for that a little business trying to make a living. I stopped sending anything but cards after this. I often wonder if they ever received the cards.
I say one of my Grandsons in the street one day. I was afraid to speak to him. I thought he might think I was a bod person trying to entice him away.
The rest of our family are very shocked by what has gone on and want to intervene. However my Daughter did try years ago and was told never to contact them again. I wonder what she did except stick up for her Mother?
I don't think this rift will ever be healed after all this time.
I do understand my DIL had a very poor childhood. Her Mother apparently was always out looking for a man. However this is not our family's fault. Yet DIL somehow feels we should pay for it.

There are some very harsh and unhelpful responses to OP here.
I agree with Anna7 that some congeniality and kindness is not much to ask from the DiL. The fact she doesn't get on with her own mother is a sign that generally she might find relationships with other women difficult/threatening. Bluebellwould's advice is wonderful, thoughtful and kind. Let's stop bragging about how wonderful we get on with our DiL's. We all know that it is a difficult and often puzzling relationship to get right. Even introverts need to make an effort here and stop using this label as an excuse to be unfriendly or rude. There are better ways of managing it than just disappearing out of husband's family. Part of the marriage deal is in-laws and I am sure all of us here make a real effort to be a good one so a bit of effort from DiL's should be expected.

CountessFosco - you have no idea why your dil has a poor relationship with her mother - any number of events might have occurred in her childhood or teenage years which are unresolved and perhaps never will be so to expect your dil to want to spend time with another mother is too much - her own mother may have placed great expectations on her and you can’t afford to follow that pattern. Be grateful that she does not try to prevent her children or your son from interacting with you and continue to offer your warmth to her - she may have dreadful social anxiety where older women authority figures are concerned so just let her be.

Its difficult fitting into a family and especially if you feel shy or overwhelmed. It takes time to adapt.I don't think she means any slight to you at all.

A touch on the shoulder or a smile at times can make someone feel more at ease.

Put yourself in her shoes and give her space .

Well, I’m going against the majority and say that she is just downright rude.
However, I think you should just ignore her and concentrate your contract to your son and grandchildten. She might then feel left out and may make a move towards you.