My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

I wonder if he would react the same if it was a boy? Maybe he's just not keen on very young children and finds it hard to communicate. Can you go out somewhere together that you both enjoy and try and engage him that way?

My husband is much older than me and I find it less stressful if he is out of the way when the grandsons come so we often play upstairs or go outside for a while. It's not him that can't cope but me trying to look after 3 "children " instead of 2.

I'm on my 3rd marriage and current husband had a hissy fit a few weeks ago as i had said (his version) i would be back at 4 to take him to the allotment i said (my version) i will be back as soon as i can i got back at 6pm.
In my previous life with first grandchild i had looked after him all the time as my daughter had mental health probs after hus birth. 10 years on and DD split with partner in lockdown because of his refusal to help with childcare of his own toddler. So im back on getting up 5 days to see to tge kuds plus DS 2 girls when he has them. I work full time as well all weekend.
I dont care if i was seeing to everyone for 24 hours a day as long as my children can work and my daughter doesnt have to do low paid work like i always had to and still do as i had my furst child at 17.
The big blow up over it and sulk happened i said leave if you dont like it. Its fractured our relatiinship. He doesnt want ust to split now but im not bothered. Im not obsessed with tge grandkids or my children but i'm not having a man think he can control my daughter (her ex partner) not being able to work in a global pandemic because of lack of childcare.
It's horrible when someone tries to make you choose between them or your family. Husband 3 says its up to kids to see to there own kids. He doesnt see much of his even though they live nearby but i always buy equally for them at xmas and birthdays etc.
One of the hardest things in a later 2nd marriage or 3rd or 4th ! Is not sharing grandchildren. I've read many threads on here on this subject and the word excessive comes up. Well i won't have much to leave my family so my gift is my time while im here. My husband number 3 is now on thin ice as i don't like him that much any more.
Others probably don't agree with me but how your husband is being is very hurtful to you and that's not a fair marriage. Don't give in to him.

My own husband is not particularly great with my grandchildren (who are not his too, by the way). He will make comments about their behaviour or their hair or they way they talk or anything. I try to avoid them being here with he is too, but sometimes that doesnt work out. I always defend them - like if he said 'his hair's too long' - I would say 'a two year old can't take himself to the barber!', But frankly it's all very well other replies here saying 'he's controlling, leave him' but even if you wanted to (which you probably don't) you may not be in a financial position to do so.

I think the one week here, one week at grandchild's own home is a reasonable compromise, and protect the child from his behaviour. Kids grow up and learn to avoid people who are difficult or who they can sense don't like them.

Best wishes.

I have to agree with all posters
what a horrible situation .good luck

CreamTeas

Thank you SO much for your comments, I feel as though i’m not going mad after all and that this behaviour is wrong.

Your reply here makes me wonder just how successful you've been in the past about honouring your own feelings and sticking up for yourself in this relationship? Why on earth would you think that you were "going mad"? (Has anyone suggested that?) And of course his behaviour is wrong! Anyone with a healthy self esteem would have seen that straight away. SO - now I'm wondering what's gone on in the past that you've ended up with someone like him (were you frightened of being on your own perhaps) and how you see your future with him? He sounds very selfish and insensitive to your needs, and the needs of your little GD. I'm afraid, if it was me - no matter what he does or says now - I would be quietly planning to bring this relationship to an end. Why would you want to spend the last part of your precious life with such a person? (It's not going to get any better as the two of you age; worse in fact).

I had a similar problem. What worked for me was explaining to my husband that the child was too young to understand who were blood relations and who were related by marriage. This was his chance to be a really good grandfather and it would be a shame to miss out on the experience. It took a little time but I knew it had finally worked when he gave her a packet of his favorite marshmallows which he had been given as a present. That was progress indeed. Covid has made him a little bit more wary but we are doing fine.

Get rid! What a horrible man, having tantrums!
You deserve better.

Goodness knows how you put up with this behaviour! My grandaughter would come before any partner that I have, and if they behaved like that towards a little one, they would be out of my door quicker than they ever moved in. Get rid!! Your poor daughter, how upset she must feel. Do yourself a favour!

He is just nasty I have the same problem mine even smokes around them if I could leave I would be gone in a heartbeat! He will never change I bet

Oh, and another thing. I personally would say that if he doesn't like it he can pack his bag.Maybe that will shock him.

I had the same scenario......we are now separated!

I agree that you shouldn't be forced to go to your daughter's to look after your GC. Then he has won. You need to give him a few home truths and stop allowing this behaviour to spoil the time you have with your GC. Don't pander to him. He is showing his true colours. Any other family would enjoy the time with the little girl, taking her out , all the sort of things
" normal" grandparents and yes, step-grandparents do .Miserable s+d

Totally unacceptable, selfish and controlling behaviour. He clearly has no concern for your feelings whatsoever, it’s all about him and I would ask myself .... do I want this in my life.
He needs to grow up and realise that a marriage is a partnership with both of your feelings being equal. I’m afraid you need to adopt zero tolerance here, it’s cruel what he is doing.

This happened to my friends mum. 2nd marriage, did everything his way and for his family even caring for his mother in law, after 25 years of marriage partially due to being worn out she had a stroke and he couldn't get her in a home fast enough. Do not wreck your relationship with your family he is putting his needs very much before yours. Please do not be bullied into living his life and not yours.

I'm with H1954 on this.
When my daughter and her husband split up we undertook quite a bit of childcare for her two girls.
When the eldest was eighteen she wrote him a wonderful letter thanking him for always being there for her.
I wonder what your husband will get if you stay with him ?

I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation - if you think it might help, you can have a look at the posts I put on Gransnet some time ago. I too felt that I was going mad, and the gransnetters advice was very helpful.
I had reached the end of my tether in March. Finally my DH realised that this was no storm in a teacup, but a real marriage breaker. He contacted one of my SILs and the result was that he, my daughter and their two children came to stay for a week. All passed enjoyably and peacefully. I’m not saying that DH truly enjoyed it - but I felt that an enormous burden had been lifted off my shoulders: one I’d been carrying around for years. DH’s attitudes sound very similar to yours. Please private message me if you need to.

I echo with the above comments and advice.
My thoughts are why would you want to spend ANY time with this childish, petulant man? He appears to have no redeeming features and I would be making moves to end this relationship. Sorry to sound harsh but if he can behave in such a disgusting manner towards a tiny child what other behaviours is he capable of?

What an absolute pig he is! He's not a man, he's a self centred, inconsiderate moron! Me ex was like this with my first grandchild, hence I walked!

That is so sad, to be put in that position. I look after my nieces occasionally, they are 8 and 12, my husband isn't that great with girls so when they spend the day he usually heads to his workshop, he isnt unkind to them, just leaves us to enjoy our day. This is what your husband should be doing, isnt there something he could do. Its so silly for him to be resentful of one day. Is he like this with other things you do or just with your family?

If a child is rejected by an adult then that’s a huge thing for the child. And the child gets a message about men too. I really think this is unacceptable and your job is to protect your grandchild. So maybe tell him you cannot have your grandchild round whilst he behaves badly towards her and you will be spending time out of the house with her. Unfortunately, he needs to understand that he will be seeing less of you not more. I gave experience if this from an earlier relationship where a step dad rejected my daughter and was unpleasant to her. It has had huge ramifications for her as a young adult. Please, please make sure your grandchild isn’t hurt by this. Keep her away from him x

Before he retired your husband didn't have to consider what was happening at home but now he does. The way he's responding to your grandchild like a small child with a new sibling. He is being unkind and his behaviour is unacceptable. With a small child you do at least have the hope that they will grow out of it. In his case he won't and he clearly has developed no adult skills for discussing his needs openly. Don't subject the little one to being badly treated, just go to her house for the day. It's really hard when someone is being self-centred and unkind, but just try hard not to be drawn into arguments about this. State what your and the little one's needs are and, despite the cold shoulder or whatever you may be treated to when you follow them, just follow through on what you've said. If the sulking and rudeness continues I'm afraid you may have much deeper problems with this man. So very sorry. Bullying in whatever form is so hard to bear.

Wow petty and controlling, why would you subject your grandchild to that or yourself.

Maybe he can take up a hobby like golf. Or something he always wanted to take up when he retired.. U3A (University of the Third Age) has branches everywhere and they have lots of activities for retired people. Anything to get him out of the house! PROBUS have interesting things for active retired businessmen. For a grown up man, a grandad , to be nasty to a little child is really awful and shows a meanness of spirit that is a bit concerning, and it would break my heart if my husband (we’re in our 70s and been together 8 years) was like that towards my family. It shows a meanness or spirit which is quite worrying. A serious discussion about his behaviour is on the cards. Give him some options but then he must decide how he’s going to deal with the repercussions. Marriage is give and take and he’s not giving much ! Best of luck!

This sounds so familiar to me.
My 2year old gs, lives with us. My husband has dementia, he’s coping with it and trying to lead a normal life.
But his attitude is very similar to your husbands.
He’s is jealous of my gs. And always has been. Shouts at him for the smallest thing. Is annoyed when I ask him to be quiet, if gs is asleep. I get the eye rolling as well.
He has no patience with him. He’s just a horrible granddad.
But he does have an excuse. The awful dementia.
If your husband is fit and healthy, it’s unacceptable. I’d go to your daughters to look after your gd. She doesn’t need to be around this horrible man. I feel so sorry for you.
My husband won’t get any better , he can’t stand noise, and children are noisy. So we’re in a no win situation.