My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

This is so sad, you must be walking on eggshells constantly.
Your poor granddaughter probably feels his negativity as well as your daughter. She may only be a toddler but children are intuitive and pick up on these things.
He needs to grow up or ship out.
I think you have got some serious consideration coming up. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out in the way you want it to.

Just a thought, but could your husband be depressed? You say he has retired now and this can be difficult for some people as their identity can be tied to the job. Depression can cause irritability and anxiety and just not coping well with social situations. Toddlers are exhausting too!

This is so unacceptable - he really is acting like a spoiled child.

I know that my OH (who had PD) found the GC difficult as his disease progressed - but behind all that I knew he loved them with all his heart; he just could not cope with their boisterousness because he was weak and anxious. It was a difficult situation, as I wished to honour my care agreements with the DDs, and having them helped me to deal with the challenges of a sick partner.

I tried to find ways in which it was not too full-on for my OH, as his feelings were part of his illness, not really part of him.

But if a fit grown adult is behaving in this way I would find that objectionable - and TBH not find him at all likeable.

I am sorry you are having to grapple with this problem, that is not of your making.

What a difficult situation you are in. I couldn't imagine not being able to spend time with my granddaughter in peace. Perhaps if you made it clear to him that his attitude was distressing you but you would not pander to it, and that you would prefer to spend time at your own home with him and your grandchild but if he continued to be difficult you would simply go to your daughter's house instead. Be firm but kind. Then take yourself off to your daughter's house each week so you can enjoy the little one's company without worrying about a grumpy man in the background, and give him time to reflect on being on his own. Sadly I believe even if this makes him modify his behaviour his underlying attitude is unlikely to change, so all you may achieve is a compromise. Whatever you do you need to be firm and not let him pressure you with his moods.

Just to add, stand your ground CreamTeas and wanted to let you know that it is not only a problem when the grandchild is not ‘shared’.

You knew him for 4 years before you married him, I’m sure he didn’t turn into a child hater the day you wed so there must have been hints of his character beforehand. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty man. Lots of men, usually the older ones, find young children trying but accommodate them for the sake of their partner and her wishes or as has been said disappear for the day. Even though your grandchild is only 2, the animosity and indifference will be having an effect and will get worse as they get older. Look after your grandchild at her home, you are not joined at the hip.

Being a retired 63-year-old male I really enjoy taking my grandson out on my own. We've got an exceptionally strong bond together and we Facetime each other. I know that I probably won't be around to see his kids so I do as much as I can. I do however like downtime and like to chill either reading or listening to music. I do make a big effort.

Get rid of him , he is like a spoilt child.

He does sound awful to behave so rudely. Is your marriage OK the rest of the time?
Having said that, my DH does not particularly enjoy small children and large gatherings. We have lunch together then he will retire to his study for peace and quiet while the rest of us chat and the kids play. My adult DSs are happy, they know that is how Dad is, and if they want to chat they go into his study. It works for us. Maybe accepting that he simply finds these gatherings difficult would help?

OP is in a horrible situation and I feel very sorry for her. I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out.

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Sorry your feeling sad/angry over your husbands actions. Surely a marriage is about compromise. I wouldn’t want my 2 year old Gd to pick up on the way he is to her, this will only get worse the older she gets. I would definitely nip it in the bud now and stand your ground he cannot cause a wedge between your immediate family and you have to show your dd that as well. After all they will be around for a long time and it won’t get any better unless a solution is found and he needs to understand this. Sending best wishes.

I have a similar problem with my dh and it is our granddaughter whom we/I look after for one day a week since she was 10 months old during term time as mum is a teacher. He virtually ignores her and goes out for the day. When they visit as a family he makes no effort to interact with her and she is obviously frightened of him, not walking past him and glaring at him. (If looks could kill! ) His excuse is that he doesn’t think mothers should go to work and people shouldn’t have children if they can’t look after them. He comes from a big family himself and money was extremely tight, wages were depleted at the local pub on the way home on payday.
He is often moody and when he is particularly bad I go to our sons house to look after gd making excuses so as to try and preserve relationship with his father.
Sorry, I needed to rant.

This book was helpful when my laid back, calm husband started being a bit aggressive due to steroids.

It's mainly regarding controlling husband's so could definitely be helpful in your situation. From Amazon.

Sorry to say but I couldn’t be with such a horrible man

Show him the door if he is behaving like that. He should not be behaving like that in front of your granddaughter and making her feel upset and probably nervous. If he has any love and respect for you he should not be behaving like that. Sounds like he needs to grow up and act like an adult!

Is this new behaviours? Is he ok when the baby isn’t there? I ask because my husband’s behaviours changed (gradually but very obvious) and he was eventually diagnosed with dementia. It’s not all about memory loss. Personality changes are a big part of some dementias. I only say this as you didn’t mention he had always been like this.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I also have a husband who moans when my gd is coming round but thankfully he is great with her when she is here. It does however put me off inviting my d, sil and gd around as often as I would like to. He has also got worse since lockdown, seems to just moan about everything!

As a parent and step parent of many years experience, I can tell you that this is not on, CreamTeas. This man needs to be on the naughty bench with his flouncing hat on. There are many profoundly good men who have not only brought up their stepchildren but looked after their step grandchildren, loved them, holidayed with them, put up,with their teenage tantrums, as if they were their own. The fact that he hardly sees his own says it all. Your daughter is obviously a sensitive woman who sees what is happening. She must be worried for you, too. No, two year olds aren’t easy and I, for one, am not so maternal that I would want to look after them all the time, either. But this man comes nowhere near. You are doing exactly the right thing - a welcome for young grandchildren in non negotiable. Tell him this. If he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to go or this will cast a long shadow over the rest of your life.

Id tell him im not going to be doing things together with him as hes an unpleasant selfish man! If its your house only, id give him his (permanant) marching orders! Im surprised you actually thought this behaviour wasnt wrong before we all told you.i suppose you must think you love him to have put up with this all this time, but i just couldnt have stood a man like that. As someone else pointed out, why do you suppose his own family rarely saw him? Also, men are very rarely in a 'previously divorced state' for no good reason

Completely agree with the comments here. If your husband doesn't care for children that is his decision but you feel differently and he has to acknowledge that. He needs to leave you space as many husbands do. Find other things to occupy himself, anything from golf to computers and stay out of the way. But and most importantly he needs to look to his manners. Your daughter and her family must be made to feel welcome in your home because that is what you are accustomed to telling them. He has to find ways to show his welcome. This is all about adjustment to retirement I guess. We have all been there.

Ps, I have a little granddaughter of similar age and I would be absolutely mortified if the man in my life behaved towards her like your husband does , it’s totally unacceptable, what an awful man you have there . Tell him to go out or ship out .

All I can say is don’t get upset, he’s behaving like a spoilt child, when your GD is at yours just make a joke of it by smiling and saying Grumpy old grandad is a bit tired and noughty today. Ignore his selfish attitude, take your GD to park or for ice cream and ignore him, he’s being astoundingly selfish and pathetic !! Good luck, enjoy your GD they are little for such a short time. Ask your other half what he would like to do when you have nowhere else there, go out somewhere nice, stately home or a nice cafe, if he continues to act like a brat, then treat him accordingly !!!!

I could have almost written this myself ! I have just come out of a 14 year relationship because his adult children treated me so badly.Some of the things they did were unforgiveable.My family however treated him with love,respect and kindness.In the end I gave up because of the nastiness and secrecy that was going on.After 14 years (living together) he refused to marry me or commit to me in any way because they didn't want him to be with anyone.So I am 4 weeks into being on my own.In all honesty I know it is better to be alone than to be treated badly.I feel relief and peace at last.My lovely family are the best support in the world.Don't be with anyone who treats you or your beloved family badly.It is not worth the heartbreak or stress.