My husband is very hostile towards my grandchildren

Bluebelle - i'm a first time poster on this thread.
I chose to post yesterday because Creamteas post was familiar to me.
I've read other threads on here where it has been suggested time spent with grandchildren isn't excessive. I have been observing age groups and perceived status of posts and whether i had anything relevant to say eg life in retirement. I have been feeling gransnet comes across a bit old, cliquey and not very relevant for me yet but i have been persevering. I have 4 grandchildren afed 11 and below so i feel i could be a relevant poster. i am feeling old and out of touch with the younger generations on mumsnet. I took the plunge yesterday but your comment about new posters is making me wonder whether i have come to the right place are we welcome or are we cluttering up the thread.

You should stop looking after you granddaughter so much. Your husband retired so now you should spend more time together not stuck in looking after a child. Not what you wanted to here I know but my opinion. If you ignore your partner you will end up alone. You didn’t sign up for babysitting duties and when he retired he would have expected you to himself with at most a weekly visit from the children and grandchildren.

But it’s one day a week, Mooney59, and seems to be something the OP enjoys doing. In my opinion the happiest couples always have their own interests as well as spending time together. They don’t have to live in each other’s pockets.

Yes posts like Mooney69's just don't sit well with me. Leaves me wondering if i have a place here yet.

Whatdayisit welcome to Gransnet. Don’t be put off by one thread and one particular post. I don’t think Bluebelle was having a go at you in particular, but maybe she’ll come back and explain her remark.
There are all shades of opinion on here and something for (nearly)everyone.
I like your username

Mooney69 looking after a grandchild one day a week is far from excessive and from the OP's comments, it sounds like she actually wants to mind her granddaughter. I love (well we both love) looking after our grandchildren, it's an absolute pleasure. Personally I can't get my head around parents that don't want to help their own children when they have children of their own - but hey ho, it takes all sorts.

I think they may be old posters with new names?

Thankyou Janeainsworth that's very kind of you to post.

Mooney69 when he retired he would have expected you to himself

Oh Mooney69 you are funny!

Honestly Mooney? I'd agree with your post if the OP looked after grandkids every day- but why should a husband (or wife for that matter) expect spouse solely to themselves 24/7!

My sil is supposed to go swimming and to the gym every week after heart problems, but can't go as her OH makes it impossible as he is jealous and makes daft comments all the time- and she has given up. Wrong.

Mooney69 when he retired he would have expected you to himself

Er ...well silly him!!

Mooney59 - I would much rather be alone than be with a partner who resents my family. Do you think a woman's role is to be a doormat for her DH to wipe his feet on?

Misread I think. Could have sworn she said she looked after when daughter went to work meaning all week. Do think many of you seem to have forgotten that you married your spouse not their family.

Reread so apologies. Your husband is wrong

Mooney Do think many of you seem to have forgotten that you married your spouse not their family
Well that is the question, isn’t it? To what extent should a spouse care for their partner’s family?
Perhaps it’s a question of shared values.
I’m only on my first marriage, so we don’t have step-grandchildren.
But when our mothers were alive, both MrA and I made sacrifices and compromises when they were in the last years and months of their lives.
We didn’t do it because we had married each other’s families.
We did it because it was the right thing to do.

I suspect this problem is more prevelant in 2nd or subsequent marriages/life partnerships. But being natural caregivers comes easier to some people. My children had lovely step-grandparents - better than their natural grandparents. I have tried with my DH's children but they don't want me involved with their kids otherwise i would be carting them all around in a minibus. But that doesn't mean he can dictate the time i spend with mine.
Hope Creamteas can see from her thread that a lot of us are going through a similar experience. And however she chooses to handle it is up to her. But the majority consensus seems to be not to let him behave like he is doing. Good luck Creamteas and everyone else.

Coming at this from a slightly different angle, men rarely feel the same way about small children as we ladies do. Of course there are exceptions before anyone starts ranting. My DH (my 2nd husband) doesn't really care for them. He tolerates them. I know (though he's never said) that he'd prefer to spend time with just me than me and my GC. So, if I were you, I'd look after the little girl at her own house and if he asks why you can tell him it's because you understand he gets tired. In my experience a lot of older men get grumpy so try to work out a compromise. I recently looked after a young boy for a day who was no relation and I was exhausted and definitely wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis. So I can understand how he feels b- he just needs to learn to be more a bit more tolerant. I'm sure you will be able to work it out without too much difficulty.

Whatever the psychology is of "not really liking small children", wanting to spend more time together or whatever, his behaviours are highly inappropriate both towards the child and also within his relationship ...and THAT is the real issue here!!

Jealous, narcissistic behaviour. Please don't think that it may improve. It won't.
Decision time.

CreamTeas, there are a lot of 'new' posters recently , stay with it.
I disagree with the posters who suggest you should somehow humour your husband's behaviour. The suggestion that "men rarely feel the same way about small children as we ladies do" made me feel I was somewhere back in a 1930's magazine where an agony aunt was giving advice to "ladies".

Your husband is the person who needs to reflect on his selfish cold behaviour to you and your family. Look after yourself in this and don't collude with him by trying to "manage" his nonsense. Confront it and work through the consequences

When my daughter had her children and I visited her, DH used to get quite grumpy if I was a bit late back. One day I sat him down and told him that I loved them very much and that they were as much a part of my life as him, and that I wasn't going to put up with his rather childish behaviour!He stopped being grumpy. Once his daughter had her DGD he suddenly understood the depth of feelings that one has for the DGCs.

He needs to grow up,what a selfish man.
I hope the child doesn`t sence what he feels about her.
Anyway,your the grandma,so he can get lost.
And hopefully stay lost.

Hi. Cream teas
My husband is exactly the same. We have been married for 19 years, and I moved from my children and grandchildren to be with him in another city. Now that I am retiring, I have moved back to my hometown to be closer to my children and grandchildren. If my children or grandchildren come over he doesn’t like it they are 13, 9 and 5 and years old. They are kids and love coming over only about 2 times per month. As your situation he has no relationship with his children except one or grandchildren. I walk on egg shells if my daughter has something to come up and she asks me to watch the kids for a couple of hours. He says he should come first. I respond I do put you first and have for 19 years. I left my whole family for him. It’s to the limit I can no longer take it. I will not give up my relationship with my grand children. I am their I just grand parent except my ex husband who is in poor health. Like you I think he is jealous or just possessive. Just wondering how your situation worked out?

I’m so sorry! I feel your pain. I’ve been married for 12 years to a man 14 years older than me. My step daughters are only 5-7 years younger than me. He has numerous gc but only seems to care for one of them, a 2 year old boy. I have 4 grown daughters and 5 grandkids ages 2, 3, 4, 6 and 12. He likes my 3 year old gd the best because she’s really cute. But has no interest in the others. All of our kids and gc live 1-10 min away. My problem is that my kids and gc are not welcome to just pop in and visit. Only stop by if they absolutely have to. But his kids can stop by anytime they want and it’s quite regularly. I have always dreamed of my little gc staying the night or weekend, doing fun things with them. Cuddling on the sofa watching a movie… But my husband will not allow it. His gs comes over all the time so Papaw can babysit and I totally resent it. I’ve tried being super nice to the gs hoping he would be nice to mine. But after 2 years I’m done. I’m polite but I’m not bending over backwards anymore. I hate it that my girls can’t stop and visit their mom without a good reason. Idk what to do anymore. My husband is retired and a disabled veteran and never wanted me to work. He has a good retirement saved up and we don’t want for anything. But he controls the bank acct and my name is not on the deed to our house since he lived here before we got together. I know if I ever wanted to divorce I could stay with one of my daughters. But he won’t let me stay the night at their house or let me take them and go do something besides the local playground or pool. I’m at my Witt’s end?

I forgot to say that 3 of my gc never had a grandpa. My husband has been in the pic since the oldest gc was 3 months old. I try to tell him they think he’s their real grandpa! But he’s never acted like it. It breaks my heart and I know I’ll never get back the time I’ve lost.