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Husband’s Indifference.

(80 Posts)
Londonwifi Tue 18-Aug-20 23:05:13

AIBU to be miffed about my husband’s indifference toward me? I have a urine infection which got quite bad and I have a lot of pain in my tummy. However, I have a high pain threshold. That means if I am mentioning it then it is very, very painful. Three times this evening I have told him and his response was
1) oh look at the grain in the wood isn’t it lovely? (Youtube video he was watching)
2) That boat’s doing 25 knots! (A different YouTube video)
3) I think I’ll have an apple.
The third time I told him was in the kitchen, side by side, no distractions!
He often does this to me and it’s not because I’m a complainer or a hypochondriac because I’m neither. When I ask him outright about it he says he never heard me even when we are looking each other in the face. By the way there is nothing wrong with his hearing!

MawB2 Tue 18-Aug-20 23:08:41

Nothing wrong with his hearing , but plenty wrong with his listening, I fear!
Twas ever thus.

PinkCakes Tue 18-Aug-20 23:11:48

UTIs (urinary tract infections) can be very unpleasant and cause quite a bit of pain. I sympathise, I've been like that myself a few times.

Is your husband always like that? Perhaps because you have a high pain threshold so don't complain, he knows you "just get on with it". My husband is the same. I'm not often unwell, but when I am, I still do everything as normal - housework, etc.

The next time your man feels unwell, perhaps you should just take no notice, see how he likes it.
I hope you feel better soon x

Marydoll Tue 18-Aug-20 23:12:24

He probably heard, but doesn't listen. There is a difference.
I have a husband like that, it doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Randomactsofpurple Wed 19-Aug-20 02:35:43

My DH is brilliant when I’m ill.

Tonight he asked me if I really wanted a birthday card this week, or not ? it was up to me.

I won’t repeat what I told him.

It seems they are all flawed, just on different things.

welbeck Wed 19-Aug-20 03:20:26

i wonder what grandpas' net is on about at the moment...
bossy wives, who are never satisfied, either we don't listen, or we are fussing too much, or under their feet...
so we just kind of zone out, when not actually gone out to the shed.
anything for a quiet life.
ho hum.

mumofmadboys Wed 19-Aug-20 05:32:52

Perhaps you could say that you aren't feeling at all well and then just go off to bed if your DH doesn't respond. Hope you feel better soon

sodapop Wed 19-Aug-20 07:49:16

Some people just don't cope well with illness in a loved one and try to block it out. This may be what your husband is doing Londonwifi Maybe you need to explain to him how this makes you feel.
Hope you feel better soon.

Gingster Wed 19-Aug-20 07:59:01

DH is at his best when I’m not well. He is sympathetic and caring. I wish he was like it all the tim 😢😂

Londonwifi Wed 19-Aug-20 08:09:18

Thank you all.

lemongrove Wed 19-Aug-20 08:49:40

Does he hate talking about illness? I think a lot of men do.
Although he doesn’t seem to acknowledge what you are saying, does he make an effort to be helpful....bring you a cup of tea or offer to cook?
You need to say his name loudly, and when you have his full attention then tell him again about how you are feeling and actually force a reaction from him.

Witzend Wed 19-Aug-20 09:02:02

You poor thing, I do hope you’ll be feeling a lot better soon.

My dh once said to a relative on the phone, ‘Yes, we’re both fine, thanks!’

At the time I was just across the room, lying on the sofa feeling extremely rough with shingles!!
I did have a go at him later. He’d ‘forgotten’.
I dare say it was because I wasn’t endlessly sighing and moaning in the ‘ dressing gown of doom’ as someone on MN once so memorably put it.

Sunshine9 Thu 20-Aug-20 09:27:09

Maybe it’s because they don’t want you to be ill as it worry’s them of the consequences of what could happen if it’s something serious. However what I would recommend is if you want sympathy don’t be a martyr just take to your bed and leave them to it they will soon notice you are ill.

Beanie654321 Thu 20-Aug-20 09:28:17

I'm sorry you are under the weather with a very painful condition. My husband was the same until I wasn't there to do every thing for him, I remained in bed and nothing got done, for him. I stayed in bed for 3 days and since then he has listened and appropriately commented and acted. I was the patient from hell. Having been a nurse for 40 years helped me prepare from dealing with similar occurrences. Dont think he liked nursing me as his legs went up and down those stairs fetching and carrying. Xxx

Coconut Thu 20-Aug-20 09:36:31

Selective deafness .... and it’s inborn of that I’m sure 🤣

crazygranny Thu 20-Aug-20 09:37:44

Sorry but I think that is just weird!

polnan Thu 20-Aug-20 09:38:19

hmm! I think some men/people just cannot cope/deal with a loved ones pain/illness. my dh was not unlike that.

NanaPlenty Thu 20-Aug-20 09:40:14

Wish you well. I think men are somehow ‘put out’ by illness . They just can’t cope with the disruption to their normal so they switch off and try to pretend it’s not happening. It really is annoying, especially when if you are like me , you go the extra mile for someone when they don’t feel well . Sending a hug.

aggie Thu 20-Aug-20 09:43:16

I hope you aren't just putting up with it and not ringing the GP for medication , it is so painful

GrannyAnnie2010 Thu 20-Aug-20 09:45:58


You poor thing, I do hope you’ll be feeling a lot better soon.

My dh once said to a relative on the phone, ‘Yes, we’re both fine, thanks!’

At the time I was just across the room, lying on the sofa feeling extremely rough with shingles!!
I did have a go at him later. He’d ‘forgotten’.
I dare say it was because I wasn’t endlessly sighing and moaning in the ‘ dressing gown of doom’ as someone on MN once so memorably put it.

Witzend - I burst out laughing at your description!

Seefah Thu 20-Aug-20 09:48:18

I’m worse than your husband I just stand there looking helpless. I always say though, I need to be told or asked what to do and I’ll fall over my feet to do it. But that’s because I prefer deciding what I need when I’m in pain. UTI are awful I had one last year what a painful thing it is , just drove straight to the doctor and got the antibiotics.
Maybe your husband just doesn’t know what to do.

25Avalon Thu 20-Aug-20 09:48:25

Londonwifi not only are UTI’s very painful and unpleasant but they can affect your emotions so you would be more sensitive to your extremely insensitive dh. It is possible that he cannot concentrate on more than one thing at a time, like a lot of men, so did not listen or hear what you were saying, although from what you were saying you did chose no distractions. Maybe he thinks it’s just “woman’s stuff”. I bet if he had it you’d never hear the end of it.

I had a painful broken wrist a while back and my dh said I had a low pain threshold when I grimaced. A female friend told him off “she’s got a broken wrist for God’s sake”. Now I use it in evidence against him!!

Poor you, you need some sympathy and tlc at the moment. I hope you feel better soon. Look after yourself and leave dh to it.

Flakesdayout Thu 20-Aug-20 09:53:52

I used to get UTI's all the time. Horrible uncomfortable and painful things. Apparently the antibiotics I was prescribed (several courses after several infections) may have triggered my illness but that is not proven. Anyway my point is check how you are washing and what you are using. If you use a flannel or sponge may sure it is scrupulously clean after use. Always wipe from front to rear and drink plenty of fluids. You probably know this already.
My OH wasn't overly sympathetic when I had them. I think it is because they do not understand how uncomfortable they are and us women just soldier on. Sometimes for them it is better to bury their heads rather than think of us being unwell. I hope you feel better soon

Bellocchild Thu 20-Aug-20 10:13:46

You don't need sympathy so much as help. UTIs can develop into kidney infection and worse. You should get a urine sample into your GP surgery for testing as quickly as possible, and then act on their advice.
I am prone to these infections and buy urinalysis reagent strips from Amazon or my pharmacy. I keep a pack of them stored and test my own urine regularly, and seek medical help immediately if I notice the colour on the strip changing. This has helped, as has regularly taking a D-mannose supplement, which leaves the urine less likely to develop bacterial infection.

LuckyFour Thu 20-Aug-20 10:13:51

My Dh drops off to sleep every evening after dinner no matter how little he's done during the day. I am busy all day, housework, garden, shopping, jobs etc. and I never go to sleep in the evening. The other day I felt very tired after a particularly busy day and dropped off on the sofa late afternoon. I made dinner then went to bed about 9 pm, feeling a little unwell. I went to sleep immediately and didn't wake till after 9 am. No comment from Dh, I thought he might think I was unwell and be concerned as it was so unusual, but he said nothing at all. I am not a happy bunny.