Unwanted Gift

Looks like theres another reason he went on, is he perhaps hoping for, or indeed has, rekindled his relationship with this ex? So maybe feeling he has to stick up for her on her behalf over the gift..if it was me id have given him 5minutes to get it off his chest, then had to put him in his place! Its a blooming cushion for goodness sake, not a puppy! It wont harm it in the cupboard! You could have just said you popped it in there out of way while you hoovered or something& forgot? But really if you get a gift, its up to you where you put it, hes no right to harangue you over it,i agree with others, put him in his place! Also, yes i see too why hes got 2 exes! Women, (people in general) dont like to be harangued over everything.as for xmas,give a list of things to choose from, or ask for gift vouchers, or a voucher for a 'doing' gift, like weekend away, or tea somewhere, or spa day or some such, or a meal out. Or yes something small like perfume , soaps or make up.or a magazine subscription is always nice, spreads gift throughout the year.?But certainly dont 'dread it' and dont put up with his behaviour.If any of mine did that (one or 2 try occasionally) i give them a 5minute 'spout' and then remind them im Their mother, not other way round.

Hello Alexa, gosh..... you'd have to start by defining for me your idea of a 'good' Mother. More so when the 'children' are adults. Mine are of the ilk who survived in spite of me. I also have two sons different as chalk and cheese but I have managed to persuade them into gifts that I really want (at last). Difficult though it may be, you must stop your son right in the middle of one of his rants and tell him how rude, dictatorial and hurtful he is being. Yep, there may be consequences but he may even turn into a 'good' son whatever you perceive that to be. Good luck. Families, eh?!!

i agree put it on the bed .....as for your son argue ing with you for two hours, say please dont speak to me in that way .its very hurtful,,,,and walk away ,.....or even throw the cushion at him .for christmas ask for gift card that way you can buy what you want...

A gift, once given, becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they wish. You can throw it on the back of the fire if you wish to! Your son has no right to harangue you. That cushion is yours! I shouldn't ask but how many wives has he had?

I think the nub of this is "He helped her to choose it for me,". His feelings are hurt because, as you say, he is overly sensitive. However, that is something he is going to have to deal with and you have no control over that. I suggest that next time you say, very kindly, "You seem to be taking this as a personal slight when, in fact, it is a practicality issue. I am sorry you are hurt by my actions but absolutely no malice was intended. The fact I have found that I have no use for this is not because I don't like it and I think you have wonderful taste. I have just reached a time in my life where I want to go for ease rather than managing other people's expectations so please don't feel offended." If he carries on just quietly respond with, "I'm sorry, this is not up for discussion so can we talk about something else." Hopefully it would shock him into silence.
Another response would be that what he does in his generation might be the "done thing" but what you do in yours is acceptable to yours. Good grief, how very dare he lecture on where you are going wrong!

In my family we usually tell each other what we'd like and we often go for gifts that involve spending time together, such as a meal out. Last Christmas DS and DiL gave me a 'voucher' which promised to take me to the theatre in London and a meal. They asked me to choose a production I'd like and suggest dates. Unfortunately with the lockdown etc it is unused and may be difficult to do now as they are expecting a baby this next month, then moving abroad. DD bought me a voucher for an upholstery class, again not used because of covid19 but hopefully will be before too long.
As a 'soon to be retired' person I rarely need 'stuff' as I need to get rid of things rather than acquire new things so this approach works for me. The best present for me is to spend time with them as they live a long way away. Last time DS and DiL came to stay they spent a day clearing my garden of overgrown shrubs, knee high grass and digging out ant hills! They came with tools to do the job, borrowed from her father who used to be a tree surgeon. I'm loving the change to the garden and will soon be able to enjoy it even more when I remove the last load of 'cuttings'. If I never get the theatre trip or the meal out I shalln't mind a bit!
As someone else suggested, set your son to work in the garden with the rake!

Sorry? The present was from one of his ex wives and he's the one getting upset?
In my mind, once a gift is given, it belongs to the person it was given to , to do with as they wish!
Nobody ever should feel they have the right to harangue their mother at all, not even for 5 minutes - maybe why he has got at least 2 ex wives!
You tell him that you don't want or need a grass rake, so he insists you keep it - what planet is he on? Does he just give you useless gifts to make himself feel better?
As far as future gifts are concerned, you either need to tell him not to worry to buy you gifts - you'd be quite happy with flowers or say that because you find it difficult to buy clothes for yourself, suggest he gives you a gift card for a particular shop, or maybe he could have afternoon tea delivered, a nice cake for your birthday or when possible, take you out for a meal or take you out for the day , even if it is just to the coast fro a fish and chip supper even in winter! Plenty of gift ideas without having to give "things"!

Dear Alexa. It must have been terribly upsetting for you to have your son go on at you for two whole hours, especially if you are, as you say, very elderly. I don’t think I would have let him go on for 5 minutes, let alone 2 hours! You could have said that you really love the cushion and the thought behind it, but you have put it in the cupboard to keep it safe from the dog!
Our daughter in the US usually sends us a plant for the house or garden, which are always very welcome. We are just finishing off the grapes and strawberries from plants she has sent us.
It’s a bit more tricky as it’s from you ex-daughter-in-law. It’s lovely that she still thinks a lot of you and buys you presents, even if they aren’t exactly suitable. I think you did the right thing in putting it in the cupboard, but your big mistake was not having it in view when your son came round! Maybe you didn’t know he was coming. Even so, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. It’s your gift to do as you like with and nothing to do with him. If he goes on like that, I’m not surprised they are ex-wives!

I thought the same as grandmabatty, he sounds like a bit of a bully and shouldn't be telling you off at all never mind two hours. I'm not really into fancy gifts and every year I tell my daughter I don't need anything but she always insists on buying me lovely presents I don't use. She then discovers I don't use them but does the same the following year. I love gardening and each year I ask her to buy me a rose, or a plant or voucher instead (loads of choice) if she wants some ideas. They haven't got pots of money as a family so trying to be diplomatic, I try to pick something fairly cheap when she asks without offending her.

What a burden!

Please remember that offence is taken and nor usually given, in my experience.

Take a deep breath and tell your son that he has hurt you a lot. Then just sit and listen calmly. Let him rant if he wants to. Then say 'I understand and I'm sorry you feel like that' , nothing more. Then concentrate on being calm and wait to see what happens. Focus on something else such as 'how like his father he is' or what you are planning for the next meal and what order to use the ingredients.

Let the moment pass and pick up as if nothing has happened, with some local news or similar.

Probably least said soonest mended afterwards. You have made your point and don't need to repeat it and prolong the unpleasantness.

Good luck!

If I've been given something I don't like or want I put it in a cupboard to donate as raffle prizes at Christmas, making sure, of course, that the person who gave it me won't be at the 'do'.

Alexa, you say that your son has been told that he's too sensitive. Perhaps you could remind him that truly sensitive people are sensitive to other peoples feelings as well as their own. Were you not being sensitive by not saying immediately that the cushion was inappropriate for you?

I received a gift back from a friend the other day for my birthday which I had given her last Christmas!

That happened to me last Christmas! I didn't mention it.

Agree with all the above. But, am insanely curious as to what are the correct form of words for refusing a gift? That sounds like useful information

At least two ex-wives! Something tells me it's him with the problem, not you. Especially as you say you like the ex who bought you the cushion.

I think that maybe he has been over indulged all his.life (That's not meant as a criticism) . We all have our own tastes and it seems silly that your ex daughter in law would buy something for your house. You said your self you don't see her very much. We (My children and family) give a little list of gift ideas. We reach an age where we have everything, (one of my birthday presents from my sister was a moisturiser l love. Some may think a strange present but it's something l needed and love to use. Much better receiving something you need than a cushion that doesn't go anywhere! You are defending a son and his behaviour (and l understand that too) but no one should go on at you for 2 hours over anything.

I received a gift back from a friend the other day for my birthday which I had given her last Christmas! I said thank you to her and put it in the cupboard. Not worth falling out over. It's ridiculous your son us speaking and treating you this way over a cushion. Put it behind your chair& when he comes put it on it.

Not necessarily helpful regarding your son but having recently decluttered I have asked my family please not to give me any more 'stuff' but if they want to give me a gift then a nicer version than I would buy myself of something I actually use would be very welcome eg soap, handcream, wine, chocolate, candles.

Why not some time after bring up in the conversation that It's a pity you dont have space for little extras, but what you would love is a hand with the garden or a bit of DIY, very welcome presents

I am sorry but I felt really cross that your son had spoken to you like this! You deserve to be treated like an adult and not a naughty child! Haranguing you for 2 hours!!
You really need to be firm with him and tell him that you will not be spoken to like this. You are an adult, his mother, and moreover the one who taught him what good manners mean, so it is not his place to lecture you.

Rather than asking not to get you anything for Christmas could you say rather than ‘stuff’ you’d like a lovely meal out / stay somewhere or similar? People usually like to give something

Don’t let him get to you. I have three sons and if any one of them went like that with me they would certainly be told in no uncertain terms to be quiet! My eldest son is lovely but very oppiniated and sometime s I let him rant on but recently when he told me which car I needed I firmly thanked him for his opinion and sorted the car I wanted myself!

Men behaving badly!

I would tell him to button up otherwise he might have an ex-mother to add to his collection of ex-wives! Really, who does he think he is?

Sometimes we do love a present when we're given it but then realise that there's nowhere to put it / we will never use it. That's completely different from hating it at first sight. So he is being unreasonable and you need to find a way of stopping his bullying (sorry, that's the first word that came up for me - 2 hours !!!) If you're afraid of standing up to him (?) then I suggest when a birthday is coming up or other celebration, you circulate a small list of things you would be grateful for (and things like "being taken out for lunch" could be on there). Explain that yours is a small home and you don't have any room for new things to be added (although a bunch of flowers is always appreciated)?