Can't do this marriage anymore

I agree with others about getting your paperwork sorted, but you don’t have to divorce straightaway. I think you need to see a Dr first get your depression seen to so you can sleep, then you can start collating all necessary paperwork. You can rent privately for a year for you and your son it will be easier and a quicker solution and give you time to breathe and work out what to do next. I’m happiest I’ve been for a long time being on my own,doing what I want when I want with no one else to consider or moan at me. You will feel a sigh of relief when you shut your door for the first time and you will wonder why it took you so long. Please don’t suffer like this anymore there of thousands of women our age that make this decision and do something about it.

I'd suggest the first stop is to your doctor for a discussion, maybe ask if you can get a double appointment so you don't feel rushed. It's not just about depression, you need to talk to a professional about how long you've felt this way.

Have you talked to your son? There's another consideration, you leave where does he go -

Have you talked to your husband? Maybe an appointment with Relate - not with the intention of maintaining your relationship, but with an independent person in the room while you discuss things, separation, how to move forward in this.

As someone who has been on the other side of this - my husband (23 year marriage) wanting to leave, making plans to leave, talking to his friends wife (33, blonde, sympathetic yadda yadda) at all hours about how much he wanted to leave and not a single word to me, I was completely blindsided - the sneaking around looking at his paperwork, bank statements etc, really doesn't sit well with me. Ladies out there suggesting this, think about how you would feel if this were a bunch of guys saying the same thing.

Houndi, if a husband/partner dies with only his name on the deeds, the wife doesn't automatically become the owner. That's the law. The wife becomes what's known as a tenancy in common which is why it's so important to have both names on the deeds of a house.

About 27 years ago, I got the free half hour with a solicitor and was told that it would be a 50/50 divide. We agreed that it would be much cheaper for us to sort it out ourselves and I divorced him without using a solicitor.

There is another thread on gransnet about favourite proverbs, mine has always been that "the thought is worse than the deed"

I dont wish to sound flippant, and am not pretending that this will be an easy ride, but it is indeed possible, and one day in the not too distant future you will be so proud of yourself and what you have accomplished.

Just make that first step and follow the practical advice given by others on here, and remember that the thought (is virtually always!!) worse than the deed.

Good luck

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
Lots of info here about finances, Benefits, property etc.
Have a read first ( this is for England, there are differences in Scotland).

This sounds an awful situation for you. The Courts have restructured their divorce system now and you can issue your own divorce online via the gov.uk website which is the easiest route. If you prefer to do it on paper please be aware that most Courts no longer issue divorce petitions as they are done through a small number of Divorce Centres. No need to pay for any business to do it for you. However I would get legal advice for your finances as soon as possible. As another post above said you can get free advice to start with.
Good luck and you only have one life so don’t delay

The law sates you are entitled to half .See a solicitor now and start divorce proceedings

Excellent advice on here as per usual, and yes, you are fully entitled to a 50/50 split on everything. Check all your finances, get legal advice and opt for CBT rather than pills for depression, so counselling would be good to get yourself mentally strong. Def move into the spare room and get support from any friends and family who understand what you have gone thro. When it’s all over you will berate yourself for not doing it sooner ... today is the 1st day of the rest of your life ?

Sorry to hear how you feel.
Just a thought, why should you be the one to move out?
See a solicitor.

Firstly , I'd advise that you get some legal advice . Go to a solicitor that specialises in marital legalities before you make plans to move out.
If there is only a joint bank account, open your own - either by visiting a bank , if you feel comfortable to do so, or online. Maybe your son will have some suggestions about which bank to choose.
Seek advice from the CAB as to which benefits and help that you would be entitled to.
I think that your son may be able to help you, if only to back you up and give you some support so that you can look on it as moving forward together (if only temp) rather than just you on your own
The fact that you are his 4th wife makes me wonder if he has been exactly the same with the other 3 ! Butter you up first then just slump back and expect you to be his personal servant.

I hear a presumption that the previous 3 (?) marriages ended in divorce, it could have been death?

that really is beside the point in my view, but I so feel for you Maddy68.

even if you have not yet made up your mind to leave, it is such good advice here for you to get your finances in order, then try and get them in the order as if you ARE going to leave, after taking GOOD legal advice, then is the time to make the decision.

I think most all of us are here for you... so please do not hesitate to come back here, pm. anyone here that you feel could support you mentally, but the finances and final decision is yours...

another thought occurs to me, and apologies if I have missed this, but have your talked to your son about this,and if so, is he "with" you?

Prayers and all good thoughts winging your way Maddy

I am in the same position apart from the fact he has no money, the house is in my name and have a company pension. If he would leave he wants half the house half my pension and half any assets. He has already had half to pay failed business debts, so I feel he has already had the money. I have worked since i was 16 had a flat we bought a house mortgage up to the hilt sold moved and bought outright. I have paid the mortgage and bills all the time so I am stuck as i could not afford to live on half my pension and don't want to sell the house.

it may be worth contacting local housing associations if you have no where to live due to a relationship breakup they should help you.

As others have said get all information regarding bank accounts, insurance, pensions, savings, investments also any debts and whatever you do, do not leave without advice and do not use the solicitor as a counsellor for them time is money. Take care and good luck

Look for Housing 21 - they often have flats for over 60’s

15 years is considered a long marriage by the courts. They have a starting point of 50/50 for division of assets any deviation of this is based on need. It makes no difference whose name is on the deeds. If he has a private pension / pensions you'll get half, the same with savings and any other assets. Don't leave unless you have to, why should you it's your home too. Get all the finances sorted and try to siphon some money away into an account of your own.

Most solicitors will do a free initial consultation. I went with my neice and the amount of advice she got was amazing. Sadly she went back to the bully.

Get your paperwork organised first and don't move out of your home before getting legal advice. You can get one free consultation with a solicitor via the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Take a list of questions you want answered to the consultation and don't be afraid to write down the answers. Best of luck and hope you get sorted soon.

Oh dear so sad to have come to this realisation, but you aren't alone. Before you do anything speak to your GP about the depression, just even to get some help with the sleep issues so you gain clarity of mind. If you can just get a decent nights sleep, it will help. ...Then plan your exit.

If you are able, give yourself some distance in the home, move into a spare bedroom, get all your paperwork together and take advice. I'm sure there will be plenty of helpful folk on here with relevant contacts to give you.

Don't whatever you do, vacate your home as you have a financial investment there which will help you restart in the fullness of time.
As he has 3 previous wives you will have evidence as to how he treated them in divorce so all the more reason to plan carefully, so you maximise the outcome for you.

But you need to build up your resilience first so do speak with your GP.

I agree that now is the time to get all your ducks in a row, Maddy68 and start to make plans. I’m very sorry you’re in this difficult marriage but it really sounds as though it’s time to go.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. Three of my internet friends have made the great escape during the pandemic and a fourth is about to go. One of them is now living in her brother’s bedroom with scarcely a penny to her name, (her vile ex lives in another country) but she says she doesn’t care, she feels so much lighter, brighter and more optimistic now the great burden of her failing marriage has been lifted.

Do please take the good advice here and start your own great escape.

You have made up your mind, so now it is the practical side of things you need to see to.

Do get legal advice or at the very least get yourself down to CAB.

Do you have your own bank accounts? If not, see to that first.

Could you and your son perhaps find a house or flat you could share, living in each your own half, for the time being?

Can you and your son share somewhere?
I agree with everyone else you cannot waste more time at our ages if it’s done and over and it’s certainly sounds as if it’s totally dead in the water then make all your plans, get everything in place before you make your move known If it’s complex see a solicitor
If this situation is as unhappy to you as it sounds you will need to get out sooner rather than later but make your plans carefully

So sorry you feel like this Maddy it's horrible feeling trapped.
Lots of good advice on here, don't leave until you have finances etc sorted. As Welbeck said get some professional advice and take things from there. Better to be content alone than in a miserable marriage. Good luck.

that is not the law in england, re title deeds.
if the house was the matrimonial home it is part of the joint assets of the marriage.
a judge with make a financial settlement, taking into account all the circumstances, including the respective needs of the parties.
that is the essence of marriage, why it is different from co-habiting where names on deeds are relevant.

The fact that you're his fourth wife tells you something.

Start to plan how you might cope and put things in place, following the advice others have given. You may well feel better for doing that and it will help you to take the next steps.